Thursdays With Sheen (3-10-11)

This following column may or may not have been written by Charlie Sheen. Sheen may (or may not) be writing a weekly column for No Credentials At All. Read at your own risk.

            Hello everyone it’s great to be here…oops wait a second I think the pizza man has finally gotten to the Sober Valley Lodge…what do you know it was Jon Cryer…Anyways it’s a pleasure to be added to the No Credentials staff. Cameron told me he needed a warlock, and damnit I’m the guy for the job…besides how many more rounds of his fantasy baseball draft can he jam down your throats? Like anyone gives a s*** what round he thinks Marco Scutaro should go in…You know what’s the best part of this gig? I’m not getting paid any money, so I can still claim to be an “unemployed winner”…If Chris Bosh keeps whining about not getting enough touches in the post, he’ll be joining me on the unemployment line. Here’s a novel concept to get through your cranium Chris…GET A F***ING OFFENSIVE REBOUND. YOU’LL END UP WITH A PRETTY GOOD LOOK WON’T YOU? DUH…If the price of gas gets any higher, I’m going to have to start riding a bicycle to pick up my coke…There’s not enough winning going on in Miami right now. They could use a little leadership, a little fists of fury, a little tiger blood. You know what they could really use? A little Charlie Sheen. Not the drug Charlie Sheen, because then everyone would end up lifeless like Mike Bibby, but myself, the metaphysical being that walks the earth in a shell that is named Charlie Sheen…When did Wisconsin move to the Middle East?…I caught a re-run of “Two and A Half Men” the other day. Man that show sucked. Good thing that show is off the air … Oh wait I forgot I was on it…Fastball; I think in my next life, I’m going to come back as the mechanical robots in “Battle: Los Angeles”…I don’t know what is more unrealistic, expecting St. Johns to make a deep run in the NCAA Tournament or the scene in “Con Air” where they land the plane on the Vegas strip…Here’s a torpedo for you to digest; Cam Newton has the tiger blood and enough Adonis DNA to make the entire cast of “Desperate Housewives” enter into premature menopause. That joke didn’t make sense to you, but it made sense to me…If Mike Tyson is really a vegan, than I’m as sober as a Catholic nun…I hope I don’t have to take any more drug tests. My whizzinator expired three days ago…I’m proud to say that I’m the illegitimate father of 6% of the kids that will be playing in the NCAA tournament. What can I say? I was a big star after “Wall Street”…I don’t care what deal the NFL players and owners draw up. As long as there is football next fall, we will all be winners…