10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (10/28-10/30)

10. NBA Cancels Regular Season Games Through Month of November
            And sadly, I’m not sure if anyone other than Bill Simmons or myself cares.    

9. Snowstorm Plows Up I-95 Corridor

            Blizzards in October make me want to relocate to a warm climate as soon as humanly possible.

8. Holding Penalty Costs Me $20…I Mean, Late FG Miss Gives Minnesota Win Over Panthers

            Needing to cover a 3.5-point spread (and more importantly to him, win the game), Cam Newton scrambled to the Vikings’ seven yard line for a first down with under 30 seconds to play. Unfortunately, Steve Smith was called for holding, pushing the Panthers back and forcing them to attempt a field goal. The snap was high, Olindo Mare’s kick went wide left, and another sad gambling tale was completed.  

7. LeSean McCoy Runs All Over Dallas

            It’s a good thing Rob Ryan kept two safeties 20 yards deep the entire game to prevent DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin from getting down the field. We couldn’t of used one of those guys to help stop the run.

6. Rams Ruin Suicide Pools and 3-Team Teasers Across the Country, Beat Saints

            I was one of the three-team teaser casualties, but at least Steven Jackson had a really strong day for one of my fantasy teams.

5. God’s QB Crushed By Lions

            Perhaps the Lord is attempting to teach his QB to learn from adversity. Either that, or the Broncos really stink.

4. Tony Stewart Makes Incredible Late Race Pass, Wins at Martinsville

            You aren’t supposed to pass people on the outside at Martinsville, but that’s what Smoke was able to do to Jimmie Johnson on the final restart of the race. He’s only eight points behind leader Carl Edwards with three races left.

3. Steelers Solve Patriots, Win 25-17

            For years, Pittsburgh has attempted to confuse Tom Brady with their complex zone blitz packages. For years, Brady has been able to figure out the blitz and carve the Steelers like a roast. Finally, Pittsburgh adjusted and played man-to-man. Without an elite receiver to beat tight coverage (sorry Patriots fans, Wes Welker is not elite), the Patriots were shut down. New England should expect to see more of this type of defense going forward.

2. Andrew Luck Leads Stanford Over USC in Triple Overtime

            With all of the tuck about “Suck for Luck” in relation to next year’s NFL Draft, it’s almost hard to remember that Luck is still playing in college. He was at his best after throwing a pick-6 late to give USC a seven-point lead. Luck rallied the team for a tying score with 30 seconds left, and then engineered three scoring drives in overtime.

1. St. Louis Cardinals Finish Improbable Run, Win World Series

            The team that would never say die, even when faced with multiple two-run deficits late in Game 6, took care of business Friday night. Their victory is all the more amazing when considering these following facts.

-         Their best player, and arguably the best player in baseball, broke off contract talks in March and is a free agent entering the 2012 season. Distractions like this usually kill teams.

-         Their best starting pitcher, a former Cy Young winner, underwent Tommy John surgery in February and was lost for the season.

-         They were 10.5 games back in the wild-card in August.

-         They were heavy underdogs to both the Phillies and Brewers before reaching the World Series.

-         Game 6 can’t be overstated. St. Louis ran out of position players, and was forced to trot out two weak left handed hitters and a pitcher in the bottom of the eleventh. Both hitters produced singles, and pitcher Kyle Lohse was able to bunt both of them into scoring position with one out.

 
            Hats off to the Cardinals. I hope for fans of the team that Albert Pujols resigns, but even if he leaves for more money, I have a feeling St. Louis will figure out a way to remain competitive.

Week 8 NFL Picks

            This week might set the record for most teams to logically include in a three-team teaser. An incredible feat considering Green Bay has the week off.

Week 8 Byes = Packers, Falcons, Bears, Jets, Buccaneers, Raiders

TITANS (-9) over Colts

            These two teams lost by a combined score of 103-14 last week. If I had more ambition, I’d try to figure out if that was some sort of record. If Curtis Painter weren’t involved, I’d take the points.

Tennessee 24, Indianapolis 10

Confidence Score = 10

Jaguars (+9.5) over TEXANS

            Was ready to roll Houston with confidence (fantasy hockey players who use Yahoo! might get that joke), but Andre Johnson missing his fourth straight start will keep it close.

Houston 17, Jacksonville 16

Confidence Score = 8

PANTHERS (-3.5) over Vikings

            Christian Ponder reminded my dad of Fran Tarkenton last week. My dad despises Cam Newton. You could say that worlds are colliding this Sunday in Charlotte.

Carolina 31, Minnesota 20

Confidence Score = 13

Saints (-13.5) over RAMS

            There’s a possibility that St. Louis is worse than the Colts. New Orleans beat Indy 62-7 last week. Yikes.

New Orleans 41, St. Louis 14

Confidence Score = 14

RAVENS (-12.5) over Cardinals

            Baltimore will much better off when they figure out they should run the ball 35 times a game with Ray Rice and Ricky Williams. Expect a pissed off Ravens team to take out some frustration on a hapless Arizona squad.

Baltimore 37, Arizona 3

Confidence Score = 16

GIANTS (-9.5) over Dolphins

            Eli Manning wants Miami to keep losing so they get the number one pick (which means the Colts wouldn’t, and therefore his brother would not have to worry about Andrew Luck), so look for a strong game out of him. That and Miami is really, really, really bad.

New York 30, Miami 10

Confidence Score = 15

BILLS (-5.5) over Redskins (in Toronto)

            It didn’t take long for the wheels to fall off the Washington Redskins’ wagon. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that they could lose the rest of their games.

Buffalo 27, Washington 14

Confidence Score = 12

Patriots (-2.5) over STEELERS

            I think Pittsburgh could win, but until they prove they can beat Tom Brady (which hasn’t happened since the 2004 regular season), you’re better off just taking the Patriots in this one.

New England 31, Pittsburgh 28

Confidence Score = 4

49ERS (-9) over Browns

            Asking Alex Smith to cover a nine-point spread sounds like a lot, until you remember Colt McCoy is under center for the opposing team. It’s also important to note that the Madden Curse is alive in well with Peyton Hillis this year.

San Francisco 17, Cleveland 0

Confidence Score = 11

Lions (-3) over BRONCOS

            I was forced to pick up God’s QB on one of my fantasy teams this week, so I figure I should play it safe and hedge by picking Detroit in my blog.

Detroit 28, Denver 20

Confidence Score = 5

SEAHAWKS (+3) over Bengals

            Taking the points isn’t a bad option when you have Seattle at home. They are a totally different team in their own building.

Seattle 13, Cincinnati 9

Confidence Score = 7

Cowboys (+3) over EAGLES

            Will DeMarco Murray run for 253 yards again? Probably not, but 120 and a touchdown isn’t out of the question against the Eagles lousy run defense. If Dallas plays as well as they did defensively against New England, they win this game.

Dallas 24, Philadelphia 16
Confidence Score = 6

Chargers (-3.5) over CHIEFS

            San Diego’s two-minute drill against the Jets last week was about as inspired as Herman Cain’s tax plan.

San Diego 34, Kansas City 20

Confidence Score = 9

Last Week Record = 7-5-1

LW Top-5 Picks = 2-3
Season Record = 55-41-7
S Top-5 Picks = 19-14-2

An Inspirational Song About Settling? An Intense Analysis

            Every now and then, No Credentials will take a break from sports to analyze the lyrics of a song. Songs may come from any genre, any era, and may or may not have been big hits.

     

We are starting this series with Luther Vandross’ 1994 version of “Love the One You’re With”. Vandross isn’t in my musical wheelhouse, but I hear it once a day at work and it bothers me. Is this really an inspirational song about settling for something less than you desire, or is there something else that the late R&B singer was attempting to convey? Lyrics will be in italics.  

There's a Rose
In a fisted Glove
and the eagle flies
with the dove

and if you can't be
with the one you love
it's alright
Go ahead and love the one,
love the one,
love the one your with
love the one,
love the one,
love the one your with

            This opening stanza sets the stage for my primary thesis that this is an inspirational song about settling. We’ll guess that the rose is the love that someone wants to share with the person that doesn’t care about him or her anymore.

If your guy can't come to you
and you don't remember
who your talking to
your concentration slips away
because your baby,
she is so so far away

So you know when you have that pathetic friend who can’t let go of a failed relationship? It’s been clearly established that this song is about that guy or girl.

[Chorus:]
And there's a rose
in a fisted glove
and the eagle flies
with the dove
and if you can't be
with the one you love
love the one your with

            On the second run through the chorus, I’m starting to believe that this song isn’t about someone who is in a relationship with someone when they’d rather be with someone else. Sometimes, it’s better to take the lyrics literally to decipher the true meaning.

Don't be angry
don't be sad
Don't sit cryin'
for good times you had
There's a girl right next to you
and she's waiting
for something to do
[Chorus:]

            Something to do? Pray tell, what could that something be?

Do it
do it
do it
Turn your heartache into joy
She's a girl and your a boy
get together, make it tonight,
you ain't gonna need no more advice
[Chorus:]
Just love the one your with

            Jackpot! While I was correct about the part about the main character of this song wishing they were with someone else, Luther Vandross isn’t lobbying for the person to jump into a relationship with someone. He just wants you to have rebound sex with the first man or woman that has interest in you. 

Recap: Have a pathetic, lovesick friend who can’t get over getting dumped? Tell them to have sex with someone else. If it doesn’t work out, blame Luther Vandross.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (10/21-10/23)

10. Houston Blows Out Titans 41-7
            So did I curse Tennessee more when I wagered money on them, or when I picked up their quarterback to sub for Michael Vick this week on one of my fantasy teams?

9. Manchester City Rocks Manchester United

            I’ll never pretend to be a futbol guy, but winning 6-1 in Man U’s house is list worthy.

8. Raiders Toss Six Picks, Get Crushed By Hapless Chiefs

            For those of you surprised by the stink bomb let loose by Carson Palmer in the second half of Sunday’s game, I’ll refer you to some analysis written by No Credentials a day after the Palmer trade went down.

7. Clint Bowyer Wins, Jimmie Johnson’s Title Hopes Are Toast (Hopefully)
            50 points behind points leader Carl Edwards, and stuck behind six other drivers, it looks like we will finally be crowning a new champion in NASCAR.

6. Pujols Mashes Three Homers in Game 3

            Texas evened the series Sunday night, but that doesn’t diminish Albert’s accomplishment Saturday night. Pujols becomes only the third player in MLB history to hit three home runs in a World Series game, joining hall of famers Babe Ruth and Reggie Jackson. Theo Epstein might have to tack on an extra $20 million if he wants to get Pujols into a Cub uniform.

5. Green Bay 33, Minnesota 27

4. Dallas 34, St. Louis 7
3. New Orleans 62, Indianapolis 7
            Why are three items together this week? Because the Cowboys, Packers, and Saints delivered No Credentials first successful three-team teaser on Sportsbook. I felt like Lance Armstrong during the final stage of the Tour ‘de France (minus the glass of wine and HGH pulsating through my veins) as New Orleans scored touchdown after touchdown against the hapless Colts. I’m looking forward to blowing all of my winnings next week on either another three-team teaser or betting on Brad Keselowski to win the Sprint Cup.

2. God’s Quarterback Pulls Off Epic Rally

            Similar to the junior mint episode of “Seinfeld”, something otherworldly appeared to happen in Miami today as Tim Tebow led two scoring drives in the final three minutes to force overtime. Or more likely, Miami remembered that they have to lose every game in order to get Andrew Luck on their team.

1. Hail Mary Dooms Wisconsin, Gives Michigan State Victory

            What does it take for college football to grab the top spot on the weekly top 10? A Hail Mary pass that knocks off a BCS title contender.

Week 7 NFL Picks

Buccaneers (+1) over Bears (game being played in London)
            Chicago is overvalued after beating on a sorry Vikings club last week.

Tampa Bay 17, Chicago 14

Confidence Score = 11

PANTHERS (-2.5) over Redskins

            Was happy that I finally looked smart after writing that the Redskins suck for two months.

Carolina 21, Washington 10

Confidence Score = 9

JETS (+1.5) over Chargers

            Tough game to call, but it seems like New York needs it much more than San Diego does.

New York 21, San Diego 20

Confidence Score = 5

BROWNS (-3) over Seahawks
            There are only three reasons you’d have interest in this game.

1. You’re a Browns fan.
2. You’re a Seahawks fan.
3. You have a severe gambling problem and wagered money on the outcome.

          Fortunately for me, none of those three apply.

Cleveland 16, Seattle 10

Confidence Score = 7

TITANS (-3) over Texans

            Houston played hard against Baltimore, but losing Mario Williams and Andre Johnson at the same time is too much for this club to overcome. A well-rested Titans team after a bye week doesn’t make things easier.

Tennessee 24, Houston 14

Confidence Score = 13

Broncos (EVEN) over DOLPHINS

            God’s QB playing in Florida (where he is a rockstar) against the best implementers of the “Suck for Luck” strategy? Give me some Tebow.

Denver 20, Miami 12

Confidence Score = 10

Falcons (+3.5) over LIONS

            When you can’t pick one team over another, take the points.

Detroit 24, Atlanta 21

Confidence Score = 4

RAIDERS (-4) over Chiefs

            Betty White could start at quarterback for Oakland this week. There will be a whole lot of “McFadden left, McFadden right, McFadden up the middle…”

Oakland 14, Kansas City 6

Confidence Score = 6

Steelers (-4) over CARDINALS

            Cardinals Coach Ken Whisenhunt always has a solid game plan cooked up for his former employer. Expect the game to be close, but Pittsburgh to cover late.

Pittsburgh 27, Arizona 20

Confidence Score = 8

COWBOYS (-13) over Rams

            Dallas impressed a lot of people last week with their performance on defense, but they need to take the shackles off of Romo in order to take it to the next level. If they really are the most talented club in the NFC East, they clobber the Rams.

Dallas 34, St. Louis 10

Confidence Score = 12
 

Packers (-9.5) over VIKINGS

            Tough assignment for Christian Ponder in his first NFL start.

Green Bay 31, Minnesota 13

Confidence Score = 15

SAINTS (-13.5) over Colts

            This could’ve been a trap game for a New Orleans club that gets bored sometimes, but they will be motivated after their loss at Tampa.

New Orleans 28, Indianapolis 10

Confidence Score = 14

Ravens (-8) over JAGUARS

            After I post this column, I think I’ll check on what the over/under is for turnovers by the Jaguars.

Baltimore 27, Jacksonville 3

Confidence Score = 16

Last Week Record = 7-4-1
LW Top-5 Picks = 4-1
Season Record = 48-36-6
S Top-5 Picks = 17-11-2

Bengals Rob Raiders

            I’m not sure if I’ll ever have the opportunity to praise a move by the Cincinnati Bengals again, so let’s take advantage of it and talk up their fleecing of the Oakland Raiders. Bengals owner Mike Brown stubbornly refused to trade former number one overall pick Carson Palmer for the past eight months. Conventional wisdom would say that with each day that went by, Palmer’s value would drop. Factor in Palmer’s mediocre play over the past two seasons (he was a liability during Cincinnati’s surprising division winning season in 2009) and the solid play of second round pick Andy Dalton, I had a hard time believing that Cincinnati would get anything more than a third round pick for him. Amazingly, Mike Brown’s incompetence paid off in the end.

            Oakland sent a 2012 first round pick, and a conditional 2013 second rounder (it would bump up to a first round pick if the Raiders make one of the next two AFC Championship games) for the rights to Palmer. The Raiders have been impressive early, but Jason Campbell’s broken collarbone threatened to put a huge damper on Oakland’s playoff chances. When Kyle Boller is the only viable quarterback on the roster, it certainly is understandable that the Raiders would look elsewhere. However, in this case the price was too high. Palmer has been an elite quarterback in the NFL, but sending two high draft picks for a guy who can only help you for nine games is a risky proposition. To put it in perspective, Brandon Lloyd, who was the leading receiver in the league last season, was just shipped from Denver to St. Louis for a sixth round pick. Familiarity with Raiders Head Coach Hue Jackson (who worked with Palmer in the past at USC and Cincinnati) will help speed up the learning curve, but it will take weeks for Carson to have a full grasp of the playbook. It’s very likely that Palmer will not be able to play at a high level until 2012. To make matters worse for Oakland, they now only have two picks left in next year’s draft.
            If I’m Cincinnati and got a phone call with this sort of offer, I would’ve accepted this deal in approximately 0.000328 seconds. Getting two draft picks that will land somewhere in the top 60 of the next two drafts is an incredible haul for a guy that clearly wasn’t involved in your future plans. Added picks will give Cincinnati the luxury of using one on a stud runningback, or adding depth on the offensive line. I wrote before the season that things were looking brighter for the Bengals. Their outlook improves after making this trade.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (10/14-10/16)

10. Prompto Saves Me Some Cash

            To make a long story short, I brought my car in for an oil-change. Even though it had been three months, I barely drive my car so the oil was still in great shape. Instead of going ahead with a change and making an easy $20 (even though I’m a NASCAR fan, I’m a dolt when it comes to cars. They could’ve done a change and I wouldn’t of even known whether or not my oil was fine or not), the good folks at Prompto advised me to hold off for a month or two because a change wasn’t necessary. Kudos to the Prompto people for having morals and doing the right thing (which is saving me money).     

9. Sean Payton Injured During Loss to Buccaneers

            I’m going to bring you folks to a dark place with the following paragraph, but I really enjoy it when coaches get wiped out on the sidelines. As long as there isn’t a fatality (which is always a real possibility when Joe Paterno is involved), I could watch a montage of coaches crumbling to the ground all day.

8. St. Louis Knocks Off Brewers to Earn World Series Berth

            At least for Brewers fans, they can now spend time on more important things, like watching the Packers and increasing their cholesterol.

7. Ravens Win 29-14 Over Houston

            Wouldn’t be noteworthy under normal circumstances, but this game was the first one that No Credentials wagered real cash on. A good start for No Credentials on Sportsbook.

6. Donovan McNabb Gets Benched (Again)

            In this case, it was properly in McNabb’s best interests that Vikings coaches decided to pull him from a 39-10 Bears blowout. Expect Christian Ponder to be starting within three weeks.

5. Matt Kenseth Wins, Jimmie Johnson Crashes Late at Charlotte

    

While it’s easy to get excited that Jimmie Johnson is in eighth place in The Chase with five races to go, we need to get through Talladega before declaring that Johnson has no chance to win another title.

4. Texas Rangers Advance to Second Straight World Series

            I must be out on baseball, because I had forgotten that Texas won the American League pennant last season. I expect the Ranger’s superior firepower to overwhelm St. Louis in six games (you know what that means loyal readers, bet on Cardinals in five!).

3. Lions and 49ers Attempt to Stage Post-Game Coaches Fight
            For the record, if Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz ever meant in a boxing ring, I’d expect it to go the full 12. Schwartz would be favored (because he’s psychotic), but I’d like Harbaugh to win in a split-decision.

2. Cowboys Rip My Heart Out in Person, Lose Late to Patriots

            I didn’t get to personally witness Romo choke, but instead get to say I was at a game that Jason Garrett ended up as the scapegoat (here’s some real-life reporting for you…I don’t think Pats fan would’ve known who Jason Garrett was if he was standing on the sideline with a t-shirt that said, “Hi, My Name is Jason Garrett.” Rob Ryan on the other hand? Completely different story. Ryan was booed lustily all 678 times he was shown on the Jumbotron. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or not, just merely making an observation). For the record, everyone at the stadium knew Dallas was going to run the ball three times on their final possession. Our seats were fairly high up, so we had a pretty clear of both Patriots safeties flying up to the line of scrimmage before the ball was snapped on first down. If Romo is supposedly an elite quarterback, Garrett had to give him a chance to ice the game. We’ll talk more about this game later in the week on No Credentials.

1. Indy Car Drivers Pay Tribute to Fallen Comrade Dan Wheldon
            With all of the safety advancements that auto racing has seen since the death of Dale Earnhardt, it’s been easy to forget just how dangerous the sport really is. Racing lost one it’s best personalities in Dan Wheldon. If Wheldon had been a successful NASCAR driver for the last decade, his sense of humor and joy for life would’ve easily made him a household name. For those that didn’t see the race (which I’ll assume is all of you), here’s what transpired.

            Dan Wheldon leaves behind his wife Susie, 2-year old son Sebastian, and 6-month old son Oliver. He was only 33 years old. R.I.P.

Week 6 NFL Picks

Week 6 Bye Week Teams – Broncos, Titans, Chiefs, Cardinals, Chargers, Seahawks

PACKERS (-14) over Rams

            Aaron Rodgers isn’t a quarterback the Rams wanted to see the week after their bye.

Packers 37, St. Louis 17

Confidence Score = 13

STEELERS (-12.5) over Jaguars

            Even if the defense is older and slower than years past, Blaine Gabbert will not have a good time in Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh 31, Jacksonville 3

Confidence Score = 14

Eagles (-2) over REDSKINS

            I promise that if Washington wins this game, I will acknowledge that the Redskins are good and the Eagles are bad.

Philadelphia 24, Washington 20

Confidence Score = 11

49ers (+4.5) over LIONS

            Two interesting gambling theories are combining here. Do you knock the 49ers for traveling across the country for a 1pm eastern time zone game, or bank on a letdown for Detroit following an emotional win over a division rival? Expect Detroit to win, but the 49ers to keep it close.

Detroit 21, San Francisco 17

Confidence Score = 6

FALCONS (-4) over Panthers

            Still patiently waiting for a Cam Newton stinker.

Atlanta 30, Carolina 21

Confidence Score = 12

Colts (+7) over BENGALS

            I like the Bengals to win, but the Colts defense to keep it close.

Cincinnati 17, Indianapolis 13
Confidence Score = 8

GIANTS (-3) over Bills

            Can the Bills knock off two NFC East teams in a row? I would like their chances if New York didn’t give away a game against Seattle last week. Expect to see a motivated Giants team.

New York 34, Buffalo 24

Confidence Score = 10

RAVENS (-8) over Texans

            If Houston couldn’t beat Oakland at home without Andre Johnson, what are they going to do in Baltimore without their star receiver?

Baltimore 34, Houston 10

Confidence Score = 15

Browns (+7) over RAIDERS

            I’ve stared at this line for 20 minutes. When all else fails, take the points.

Oakland 14, Cleveland 10
Confidence Score = 4

PATRIOTS (-6.5) over Cowboys

            This game has the feel of the Cowboys and Patriots putting on a show, but Romo killing Dallas with a late backbreaking interception.

New England 42, Dallas 34

Confidence Score = 7

Saints (-4.5) over BUCCANEERS

            Tricky game. Tampa got their doors blown off in San Francisco last week, but should rise to the occasion for a division opponent. However, I like New Orleans to take Tampa’s best shot and win by 10.

New Orleans 27, Tampa Bay 17

Confidence Score = 5

BEARS (-3) over Vikings

            It’s a shame we aren’t in the flex scheduling portion of the schedule. This is the worst Sunday night game of the year.
 
Chicago 17, Minnesota 10
Confidence Score = 9

JETS (-7) over Dolphins

            New York has looked awful the past three weeks, but Miami is the perfect team to get back on track. Expect a beat down in the Meadowlands.

New York 24, Miami 7

Confidence Score = 16
 

Last Week Record = 7-6

LW TOP-5 Record = 2-3
Season Record = 41-32-4
S Top-5 Record = 13-10-2

Scoring System for Fantasy Basketball During NBA Lockout

            I’ve been running a fantasy basketball league for four seasons now, but sadly year five appears to be in jeopardy. Our draft is scheduled to happen in 10 days, but unfortunately we might be without NBA games for a year. In light of the league being unable to be decided by statistics, I’ve come up with a fairly simple scoring system to use during the lockout for my fantasy league, and I’m kind enough to share it with the world.

20 points for participating in a playground league game.

10 points for being on the cover of a grocery store magazine (bump Kris Humphries, aka “Mr. Kardashian”, up a few rounds).

40 points for making Sportcenter’s top 10 plays with a dunk over some poor European dude.

30 points for using a trending “#” on Twitter.

 -100 points for comparing NBA owners to “slave drivers”.

50 points for earning an invite to a fellow player’s all-star game, 100 points for hosting an all-star game.

75 points for legally changing a name (example: Meta World Peace).

15 points for getting arrested.

0.25 points for every day worked at a retail store (had to make Delonte West valuable somehow).

1 point for every anti-owners tweet.

30 points for recording a song.

25 points for creating a fetus (if we applied these rules back in fantasy basketball during the 1998-99 lockout, Shawn Kemp would’ve been a fantasy legend).

60 points for appearing in a movie.

-50 points for showing up at the first game post-lockout 30 pounds overweight (I’m looking at you Michael Beasley. Baron Davis is out of the running because he put on 40 pounds after getting traded to Cleveland).

10 points for airing a new commercial.

-20 points for saying that “we care about the fans”.

15 points for a player tweeting that they are hitting the gym (Russell Westbrook looks like the clubhouse leader in this category so far).

5 points for showing up at a NFL, MLB, NHL, or NASCAR event.

40 points for being involved in a nightclub altercation.

250 points for appearing in a porn movie (makes Greg Oden worth a late-round flyer).

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (10/7-10/9)

10. Clint Bowyer Agrees to Join Michael Waltrip Racing in 2012
            I’ll let the following video explain the irony of this situation.

9. Tebow Gets in the Game, Almost Leads Comeback Against Chargers

            If Tebow doesn’t start in two weeks after the Broncos have their bye week, I’m not sure there’s enough marijuana in Denver to subdue angry Denver fans.

8. Jimmie Johnson Dominates Kansas, Within Four Points of Championship Lead

            Probably should save time and just start calling Jimmie “Six-Time”.

7. Ben Roethlisberger Tosses Five Touchdowns in Steelers Rout of Tennessee

            My worst of three fantasy teams is very thankful that Ben Roethlisberger finally decided to show up this season.

6. Milwaukee Brewers Win Game 1 of NLCS

            The folks in charge of the Brewers bandwagon were nice enough to let me on it despite the fact that my cholesterol level is significantly lower than their average fan.

5. Tiger Wood Has Hot Dog Thrown At Him While Lining up Putt

            As strange a headline as that is, the most bizarre part is that the person who tossed the dog wasn’t a female.

4. The Philadelphia Eagles Stink

            Philadelphia is further proof that signing a bunch of big names doesn’t create instant chemistry. We saw it in the NBA last year during the Miami Heat’s first 15 games. Unfortunately, the Eagles don’t have an 82-game season to figure things out.

3. “The Firm” Goes Bonkers, Leads Patriots Over Jets
            I was at Gillette Stadium back in October of 2008 when Ben-Jarvis Green-Ellis made his first appearance in a regular season game for the Patriots. New England was hammering Denver on a Monday night (which was a pisser for me because I had three Broncos going on my fantasy team that week. I was down by 25 points or so going into the game, and those four Broncos combined for 12). Due to alcohol consumption, it sounded like the stadium announcer was saying seven names after Green-Ellis’ first carry. It was easily the most entertaining moment of the night (other than the crowd booing Matt Cassel, who got sacked eight times. I wish I could’ve talked to Chiefs fans before he signed with them). I don’t think any of us there that night expected Green-Ellis to become so relevant that he would earn a nickname, or that he would someday run for 136 yards and two touchdowns against the Jets.

2. Chris Carpenter Out-Duels Roy Halladay, Knocks Out Phillies

            How excited must the executives of FOX be now that the World Series will be without the Red Sox, Yankees, and Phillies?

1. Oakland Raiders Honor Al Davis, Steal a Win in Houston

            I’m too young to remember Al Davis being more than just a punching bag for sports columnists. People questioned if Davis was actually a sea monster. Some even wondered if he had actually died ten years ago. My most memorable Davis moment was when he awkwardly bashed former Raiders Head Coach Lane Kiffin during a press conference a few years back. Instead of writing a long, Wikipedia-esque paragraph about what Al Davis met to the game of football, I’ll let current Raiders Head Coach Hue Jackson explain what Davis meant to the Raiders.

Week 5 NFL Picks

Keeping the analysis short this week (real life has been a bitch this week). This is the first week of byes, which means we don’t have Baltimore, Dallas, Washington, Cleveland, St. Louis, and the future home of Andrew Luck, the Miami Dolphins, in action. Losing crap the last three teams makes this a tough week, as those are usually decent squads to bet against on a weekly basis.

COLTS (-2) over Chiefs

One of only a few opportunities Indianapolis will have to get a win this season.

Indianapolis 14, Kansas City 10

Confidence Score = 8

VIKINGS (-3) over Cardinals

Ditto.

Minnesota 20, Arizona 10

Confidence Score = 11

Eagles (-3) over BILLS

If Philadelphia has any sort of chance of saving the season, they win this game.

Philadelphia 34, Buffalo 24

Confidence Score = 12

Raiders (+5) over TEXANS

R.I.P. Al Davis.

Oakland 20, Houston 17

Confidence Score = 7

Saints (-6.5) over PANTHERS

Cam Newton is due for a stinker.

New Orleans 30, Carolina 13

Confidence Score = 13
 
JAGUARS (+1) over Bengals
I like Cincinnati, but don’t trust them enough to win on the road.

Jacksonville 16, Cincinnati 14

Confidence Score = 6

STEELERS (-3) over Titans
Read analysis of Eagles-Bills and substitute “Pittsburgh” for “Philadelphia”.

Pittsburgh 24, Tennessee 13

Confidence Score = 14

GIANTS (-9.5) over Seahawks

How many cream puffs in a row will the Giants play?

New York 31, Seattle 7

Confidence Score = 15

49ERS (-3) over Buccaneers

Tough game to gauge, but I’ll downgrade Tampa Bay because of cross-country travel after a Monday night game.

San Francisco 27, Tampa Bay 21

Confidence Score = 5

PATRIOTS (-7.5) over Jets

Was planning on picking the Jets to cover (the game opened at Pats –9), but the return of Aaron Hernandez to the Patriots offense will give them enough fire power to win by 10.

New England 27, New York 17

Confidence Score = 10

Chargers (-3.5) over BRONCOS

This line should be at least –7.5. Seems too easy, which probably means Denver will keep it within a field goal.

San Diego 31, Denver 14

Confidence Score = 16

Packers (-6) over FALCONS

Hardest game of the week to call. I’ll bank on Atlanta being mediocre this year, and Green Bay putting on a show in their first Sunday night appearance of the season.

Green Bay 37, Atlanta 28

Confidence Score = 4

Bears (+5) over LIONS

I like Detroit to win, but not by much.

Detroit 28, Chicago 27

Confidence Score = 9

Last Week Record = 10-6

LW Top-5 Picks = 4-1
Season Record = 34-26-4
S Top-5 Picks = 11-7

NFL 1st Quarter Power Poll

This is the first power poll in the history of No Credentials. I've ranked every team in the league. We'll do this again after Weeks 9, 13, and 17. Each team is grouped into divisions (shameless rip-off of Bill Simmons). Have a problem with the rankings? Let it be known in the comments section.

The Andrew Luck Division

32. Miami Dolphins (0-4) – It’s a good thing Brandon Marshall got his meds figured out, otherwise I’m not sure he would’ve mentally been able to handle another full season of putrid quarterback play. If I were Marshall, I’d be faking a groin injury and missing the rest of the year in order to secure a 0-16 season.

31. Indianapolis Colts (0-4) – Props need to be given to a defense that has played really hard the past two weeks, but the astronomical downgrade at the quarterback position is too much for this team to overcome.

30. St. Louis Rams (0-4) – During my NFC West preview, I did forecast the potential of a tough start for St. Louis. However, I never expected them to look as listless as they have. Sam Bradford still is in desperate need of a number one receiver.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-3) – Don’t let the win against Minnesota (what a barn burner that game was) fool you. Too many injuries will keep this team in the bottom tier of the NFL all season long.

28. Minnesota Vikings (0-4) – It’s too bad the Vikings didn’t realize how bad they were going to be this season. In retrospect, it would’ve made more sense to draft an offensive lineman who could potentially protect Andrew Luck. If Minnesota does wind up with the top pick expect all sorts of awkwardness when they try to move last year’s first round pick, quarterback Christian Ponder. 

The Quincy Carter Division

27. Denver Broncos (1-3) – Either Tim Tebow’s shadow is hanging over Mile High, or God is punishing the Broncos for not putting Tebow in the game. Josh McDaniels did an excellent job of screwing this club for 2011.

26. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-3) – Jacksonville followed the 2001 Jerry Jones playbook perfectly, cutting an established (albeit mediocre) veteran quarterback to clear the way for a rookie. At least Blaine Gabbert has shown flashes of competency (which Quincy Carter rarely showed during his rookie campaign, or any campaign).

25. Seattle Seahawks (1-3) – If it weren’t for their incredible home-field advantage (give credit to Seattle fans, they make noise even when the product their team puts on the field is sub-par), the Seahawks would be in pole position in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes.

24. Arizona Cardinals (1-3) – Kevin Kolb hasn’t been that good, but for a guy who only had a month of practice with the team before opening day, Arizona fans can’t complain. We’ll have to wait until 2012 before making a verdict on whether or not Kolb is a viable NFL starter.

The Good Bad Teams Division

23. Cleveland Browns (2-2) – I’m pretty sure Peyton Hillis wouldn’t of won the Madden cover vote if fans knew he was going to complain about his contract so much to the point that teammates believe he missed time during a game because of it. The Great White Hope’s contract squabble has overshadowed the solid play of quarterback Colt McCoy.

22. Carolina Panthers (1-3) – Holy Cam Newton Batman! The wins aren’t there, but Panthers fans (all 624 of them) have to be excited about what Newton has shown so far. There were legitimate concerns that Newton could be a bust. He has put those worries at ease through the first four weeks.                       

21. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2) – Even without Jonathan Joseph, the defense has still managed to play at a high level. Andy Dalton has been the second most impressive rookie quarterback, and seems to be developing chemistry with fellow rookie A.J. Green. For the first time since 2005, there is reason for optimism in Cincinnati.

20. Oakland Raiders (2-2) – There aren’t enough weapons in the passing game for Oakland to be a playoff team, but when they can get the running game going watch out. Trips to Oakland won’t be fun for teams with soft defensive lines.

The Enigma Division

19. Chicago Bears (2-2) – Chicago graduated from the Good Bad Teams Division after the commitment to the run they showed against Carolina. The Bears offense flows much better when Matt Forte is the focal point instead of Jay Cutler.

18. Philadelphia Eagles (1-3) – Philadelphia is two Vick injuries away from being 3-1, but Michael Vick injuries are to be expected when he is the regular starting quarterback. Any quarterback would be banged up playing behind the shoddy offensive line the Eagles have thrown together. Andy Reid needs to have a more balanced offensive game plan in order to keep his franchise quarterback on the field.

17. Atlanta Falcons (2-2) – Atlanta just doesn’t look right. They look like a team that should be pounding the ball between the tackles, but seems hell bent on throwing 45 times a game. If they don’t figure out that Michael Turner needs to get the rock, we’re looking at a team that traded five draft picks for a wide receiver finishing 8-8.

16. Dallas Cowboys (2-2) – Dallas would be 4-0 if Tony Romo didn’t piss away two games. However, Dallas would also be 0-4 if it weren’t for two heroic Romo comebacks. Hopefully with a week off (and a week of rest for banged up receivers Miles Austin and Dez Bryant), we’ll see more good Romo than bad Romo the rest of the way.

15. New York Jets (2-2) – How much better would the Jets look if Josh Freeman was their starting quarterback instead of Mark Sanchez?

14. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-2) – Apparently in addition to the four game suspension he served at the beginning of the 2010 season, Ben Roethlisberger was also forced play behind a terrible offensive line for two seasons. 

The Lucky Sons of Bitches Division

13. Washington Redskins (3-1) – Washington has done well to take an advantage of an easy start to the season (except the blowing the Week 3 game at Dallas). Things are going to get harder the rest of the way, so expect Rex Grossman and company to crash back to Earth by Week 10.

12. San Francisco 49ers (3-1) – No Credentials should’ve given Coach Jim Harbaugh more credit before the season. He’s done a nice job of implementing a mistake free offense that is keeping the team in games. San Francisco probably only needs to play .500 ball the rest of the way to win the division.

The Fringe Contenders Division

11. Buffalo Bills (3-1) – The “Fighting Fitzpatricks” were on cloud nine before a loss at Cincinnati brought them back to Earth a little bit. If Mark Sanchez continues to do his best Ryan Leaf impersonation, Buffalo may be on course for a beating by Baltimore in the Wildcard Round of the playoffs.

10. Tennessee Titans (3-1) – Tennessee would be four spots higher on this list if it weren’t for the loss of wide receiver Kenny Britt. Even without him, Matt Hasselbeck has provided enough stability at the quarterback position to open up the offense. Chris Johnson cracked 100 yards for the first time last week, and expect him to be a monster the rest of the way.

9. New York Giants (3-1) – Based on looks, the Giants should be in The Enigma Division. Expect injuries to eventually catch up with this club.  

8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1) – Tampa is a year or two away from serious contention. Buccaneers fans feels do have to feel good about the young core of Josh Freeman, LeGarrette Blount, and Mike Williams.

7. Houston Texans (3-1) – I could play runningback and average 4 yard per carry for Houston. The Texans appear to have enough talent to withstand the loss of Andre Johnson for a few weeks.

The Feel Good Story Division

6. Detroit Lions (4-0) – Monday’s date with the Bears will tell us a lot about whether or not we need to take Detroit seriously the rest of the season. If they can find any semblance of a consistent running game, Detroit will be a serious threat in the NFC.

The Heavy Hitters Division

5. Baltimore Ravens (3-1) – I’d bump this team up three spots if they stopped letting Joe Flacco try to prove that he’s a franchise quarterback that can carry an offense.  Flacco was the only thing keeping the Ravens from beating New York 45-7 last Sunday night.

4. New Orleans Saints (3-1)

3. New England Patriots (3-1) – I’ll lump these two together because they both have extraordinary passing games, but have a hard time running out the clock to finish off a game. I’d bank on New Orleans figuring that out with Mark Ingram getting his legs under him before the Patriots find a solution.

2. San Diego Chargers (3-1) – I didn’t research this, but I believe San Diego was over .500 during September for the first time since Stan Humphries was under center. The emergence of Ryan Matthews makes this a real scary team to potentially face off against in the playoffs. For nothing else, this is a pretty solid club to ride for gambling purposes.

The Jimmie Johnson Division

1. Green Bay Packers (4-0) – Sure, this team looks like it gets kind of bored sometimes and lets teams hang around in games (that didn’t stop Green Bay last season). As long as Aaron Rodgers is still playing lights out, this team is still the favorite to win the Lombardi Trophy.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (9/30-10/2)

10. Terry Francona and Red Sox Part Ways
            Every epic collapse has to have a scapegoat. In this case, it was Francona, who will forever be known as the manager of the team that broke The Curse of the Bambino. He probably lasted about a year or two longer than he should, but Tito should be remembered fondly in Boston. I wish him well.

9. Rangers and Rays Split Games in Arlington

            A rematch of last years ALCS, look for Tampa Bay’s pitching depth to overwhelm Texas by the end of the series.

8. Tigers Steal Game in New York, Even Series

            About the only thing Red Sox fans have left to as far as baseball is concerned is cheer against the Yankees. Hopefully Justin Verlander can take of business in Game 3 after Miguel Cabrera gave them a lift in Game 2.

7. Kurt Busch Conquers Monster Mile

            Even more noteworthy than Busch winning is Jimmie Johnson creeping back into championship contention. He’s only 13 points and a missed crash at Talladega away from taking his sixth straight title.

6. Wisconsin Destroys Nebraska in Cornhuskers Big 10 Debut

            I hope this happens to every school that leaves a conference for more dollars in their first game.

5. Brewers Take Two at Home

            If I still liked baseball, I’d jump onto the Brewers bandwagon. For starters, their team name has a whole lot to do with beer, which is awesome. Secondly, when the average shirt size of the fan base is 4XL, you know there is a hearty bunch of folks supporting this team. I’m as all-in as a non-baseball fan can be on the Milwaukee Brewers after they smoked Arizona in Game 2.

4. Cowboys Blow 27-3 Lead, Lose to Lions

            I say that whenever a quarterback has a game that they throw for over 300 hundred yards, three touchdowns, and three interceptions, that it is referred to as “A Romo”.

3. Eagles Suffer Embarrassing Collapse at Home Against 49ers

            Did Philadelphia sign Lebron James as a third-string tight end and not tell anyone? Or did they not assemble enough quality linemen on both sides of the ball? The second question is the reason for Philadelphia’s struggles, but it would be fun to blame their 1-3 record on Lebron.

2. Arian Foster Goes Bonkers, Carries Texans Over Steelers

            Evidently during the lockout, the Steelers forgot how to tackle. Impressive win by Houston, who cruised even without star receiver Andre Johnson.

1. Ravens Dominate Jets Offense in a Rout

            If Tony Romo had a bad game Sunday, does that mean Mark Sanchez had a putrid one?

Week 4 NFL Picks

            Week 3 was No Credentials first sub-.500 week, and it was a disaster with my top-5 picks. Here’s to hoping for a rebound.

Lions (+2.5) over COWBOYS

            I’d take Dallas, but Romo having to chase down errant snaps while simultaneously running from Ndamukong Suh isn’t a good combination.

Detroit 27, Dallas 14

Confidence Score = 10

Saints (-7.5) over JAGUARS

            Somehow New Orleans comeback against Houston last week slipped through the cracks of the weekend review. The Saints have been quietly taking care of business since their opening night defeat.

New Orleans 30, Jacksonville 10

Confidence Score = 16

EAGLES (-9) over 49ers

            Philadelphia is living proof that you win football games by dominating the trenches. Look for a mediocre 49ers squad to make them look good for a week.

Philadelphia 31, San Francisco 20

Confidence Score = 7

RAMS (+2.5) over Redskins

            How Washington couldn’t beat a team that snapped the ball when the quarterback wasn’t ready, or figure out where wide receivers needed to go on hot routes, I’ll never know. It must be because Rex Grossman is the equivalent of Tony Romo on steroids.

St. Louis 16, Washington 10

Confidence Score = 4

Titans (Even) over BROWNS
            Kenny Britt is a devastating loss for Tennessee (and one of my fantasy teams), but look for Chris Johnson to get his mojo back against the sorry Browns.

Tennessee 20, Cleveland 10

Confidence Score = 9

BENGALS (+3) over Bills

            Upset special of the week. Classic let down game after an epic win.

Cincinnati 24, Buffalo 21

Confidence Score = 8

CHIEFS (+3) over Vikings

            The stay away game of the week brought to you by ADT Security Systems. If you wager actual money on this game, you have a sickness.

Kansas City 21, Minnesota 20

Confidence Score = 1

BEARS (-6.5) over Panthers

            This is a tricky one. I expect Carolina to keep it close throughout, but this one has “late Brian Urlacher interception to set up spread covering score” written all over it.

Chicago 17, Carolina 10

Confidence Score = 2

Steelers (+3.5) over TEXANS

            If Pittsburgh has any backbone (and playoff aspirations) at all, they bounce back in a big way after their pathetic win in Indianapolis last week.

Pittsburgh 30, Houston 27

Confidence Score = 5

Falcons (-4.5) over SEAHAWKS

            Seattle is a tough home team and all, but even with Atlanta’s shoddy play so far, I can’t take Tavaris Jackson against them.

Atlanta 24, Seattle 10

Confidence Score = 14

Giants (-1.5) over CARDINALS

            There will be an equal amount of Giants fans as there will be Cardinals fans at this game in Glendale. That will be enough for New York to eke out an ugly win.

New York 20, Arizona 17

Confidence Score = 3

CHARGERS (-7) over Dolphins

            It’s October, so look for San Diego to begin looking like a Super Bowl favorite.

San Diego 27, Miami 7

Confidence Score = 15

PACKERS (-12.5) over Broncos

            Green Bay still hasn’t laid a hammer of god beat down yet. Denver is a good team to get that accomplishment done.

Green Bay 37, Denver 13

Confidence Score = 13

Patriots (-5.5) over RAIDERS

            I don’t think Oakland is good enough at passing to take advantage of the Patriots biggest defensive weakness. It’s a funny point spread to pick, but I like New England by a touchdown.

New England 31, Oakland 24

Confidence Score = 6

RAVENS (-3.5) over Jets

            I hope all of you like reading panic stories about the New York Jets, because that’s what we are going to read after Mark Sanchez looks terrible against the Ravens.

Baltimore 10, New York 3

Confidence Score = 12

BUCCANEERS (-10) over Colts

            The Colts defense was very impressive against Pittsburgh last week. Don’t expect an effort like that on the road against Tampa Bay.

Tampa Bay 23, Indianapolis 6

Confidence Score = 11

Last Week Record = 7-9

LW Top-5 Picks = 1-4 (ouch!)
Season Record = 24-20-4
S Top-5 Picks = 7-6