NBA Off-Season Game Plans - New Orleans and Charlotte

Every few days, No Credentials will look at the long term prospects of each NBA team. We'll look at who each team has under contract, their cap space for next summer, and how No Credentials thinks they should manager their off-season. We'll start with the biggest winner of last night's draft lottery paired with last night's biggest loser.

 

New Orleans Hornets

A-Level Potential Players Under Contract = None (SG Eric Gordon is a restricted free agent)
B-Level Potential Players Under Contract = PF/C Emeka Okafor
C-Level Players Under Contract = SF Al-Farouq Aminu, SF Trevor Ariza, PG Jarrett Jack
Cap Space = $17 million
The No Credentials Plan = Thanks to the luck of the draw (or David Stern rigging the lottery, you believe what you want), New Orleans will know that Anthony Davis will be in the fold. The Uni-Brow is fortunate to begin his NBA career alongside Emeka Okafor, who will allow The Uni-Brow to primarily serve as a weak-side shot blocker. Even if Davis doesn’t develop an offensive game for five years, he will still be a dominant force on the defensive end.
            The draft won’t end for New Orleans after selecting The Uni-Brow. The Hornets also have the tenth pick, acquired in the Chris Paul trade from the Clippers. What they should do with this pick depends largely on whether or not Eric Gordon will return. If Gordon stays in the fold, they should address the point guard position (my vote would be for North Carolina’s Kendall Marshall, but Weber State’s Damian Lillard would also be in the mix). If it appears Gordon is going to bolt (many folks believe that Gordon has wanted to join the Pacers ever since he arrived in the NBA), Austin Rivers should be the pick.
            In a perfect world, New Orleans opening night starting line-up next season would be Marshall-Gordon-Ariza-Uni-Brow-Okafor, which is an intriguing group. After resigning Gordon, New Orleans would be best served just adding short term contracts to fill out the team. Even with Gordon healthy, this group would have a hard time making the playoffs in the ultra-deep West, so making a 5-year, $30 million dollar offer to a veteran doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Give the kids a year or two to develop, and by 2015 we could be talking about a very dangerous Hornets team.

Charlotte Bobcats

A-Level Potential Players U.C. = None
B-Level Potential Players U.C. = PG Kemba Walker, C Bismack Biyombo
C-Level Players U.C. = SG Gerald Henderson
Cap Space = $10 million
The No Credentials Plan = Man does it suck balls to be a Bobcats fan. You missed out on Anthony Davis. You only have $10 million in cap space this off-season, thanks to paying DeSagana Diop and Corey Maggette a combined $17 million (ouch). At least the second pick will net them a potential A-Level prospect in Michael Kidd-Gilchrist (Yahoo has Thomas Robinson going second, but don’t believe them. A bunch of monkeys run their sports outfit). The team will stink for another two or three years, but at least they’ll have another solid prospect to group with Biyombo and Walker. Diop is a $7 million expiring contract, so Charlotte would be wise to flip him to a team desperate for cap space in exchange for a couple of picks.
            If Charlotte thinks outside of the box, they should strongly consider moving down in the draft. Portland (who owns the sixth and eleventh picks) would be a logical trade partner. I don’t think it would be all that hard to talk the Trail Blazers, a team that many had pegged as a dark horse for this season’s title, into shipping them their two first round picks, plus a future first along with it. When you’re as bad as Charlotte, acquiring as many solid assets as possible is the best course of action.   

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (5/25-5/27)

10. Dwight Howard Claims He Had No Say On Stan Van Gundy Getting Fired
            In related news, Bill Clinton is claiming he had nothing to do with the stain on Monica Lewinsky’s dress.

9. Jon Beason Defends Cam Newton, Blasts Alex Smith

            It’s a great sign to see someone from the opposite side of the ball defend their quarterback. Buy stock in the 2012 Carolina Panthers.

8. Landon Donovan Nets a Hat Trick

            Apparently, this still means something even though it happened against Scotland.

7. Junior Dos Santos Destroys Frank Mir

            Mir had no chance against Dos Santos Saturday night. Equally impressive was Cain Velasquez, who demolished Antonio Silva in a first round bloodbath.

6. Spurs Take Control Late, Snag Game 1 Win Over Thunder

            A 39-point fourth quarter for the Spurs spelled doom for Oklahoma City.

5. Kasey Kahne Wins Third Career Coca-Cola 600

            The start of Kahne’s 2012 season (his first driving for Rick Hendrick) was a complete disaster, but that is all forgotten now. Kahne put on a show with 70 laps to go, rocketing from seventh to first in less than ten laps.

4. Josh Hamilton, in Need of IV and Oxygen, Hits Walk-Off Homer

            With as dominant as Hamilton has been this season, I could read “Hamilton hits three home runs despite left arm falling off” and not be surprised.

3. New Jersey Devils Advance to Stanley Cup Finals With Game 6 Overtime Win

            I had to do a little digging, but I was able to find a paragraph some idiot blogger posted in response to an e-mail back in January.

Please make the case for Martin Brodeur to hang up his goalie pads. – Claude R., Berlin, NH

Sadly, it’s not a hard one to make. If Brodeur were to finish the season with his current .893 save percentage, that would be a career low (other than when Brodeur had a four game cup of tea back in 1991-92). Getting pelted with shots behind a shoddy Devils defense hasn’t helped (he doesn’t have the luxury of having guys like Scott Stevens taking care of business for him), but the fact remains that the team looks better when Johan Hedberg is in net. Remember this paragraph in June when a red-hot Brodeur is carrying the eighth seeded Devils to the Stanley Cup Finals.

            Man that guy was a dumbass…oh wait that was me! Further proof that this blog is called No Credentials for a reason.

2. Stubborn Celtics Outlast 76ers, Earn a Date With Miami

            Will Boston get slaughtered by Miami in the Easern Conference Finals? Probably, but the 2011-12 Celtics will be remembered as one of the more resiliant Celtics clubs of the post-Bird era.

1. Dario Franchitti Wins Third Indianapolis 500

            Dario recovered from getting spun out on pit road, and then survived a last-lap dive bomb attempt by Takuma Sato to claim his third 500 trophy. A great finish to a great day filled with multiple tributes to the late Dan Wheldon (who remember, was the defending champion of the 500).

            This post will be the final review of the weekend until the week after Labor Day (aka Week 1 of the NFL season). I typically will run these through the end of the NBA Finals, but I have a wedding to go to this weekend followed by two weeks of new job training out of town (believe it or not, I'm still not paying the bills writing these uninformed columns). We’ll still be posting throughout the summer (although it could be a little quiet the next few weeks) about a variety of different topics, so continue to stay tuned to “No Credentials At All” all summer long. Drive on.

Classic NASCAR Crash of the Week - Charlotte

     Had to do some serious digging this week, but finally tripped over a crash from 1980 in the Sportmen Series. Oddly enough, 1999 Winston Cup Champion (and 3-time Daytona 500 winner) Dale Jarrett is involved in a major accident with Gene Glover (who was the father of Tony Glover, a well known Cup Crew Chief). Apparently the brakes on these cars weren't up to code.



Inspiring SPAM Messages

            It’s taken me almost 26 years, but I can finally say that I have found my true calling. I need to start writing SPAM messages. After perusing my junk e-mail folder in my Hotmail account I’ve had since high school, I found 3 messages that if were written by me, could’ve been better.
            The first one is supposed to represent a girl from “my past” that is moving back to where I live.

TORI – Hey, WHERE ARE U? Are you getting these?

BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been? In case u dont know who this is its ME TORI.. we used to chat a bit on facebook and then I think u deleted me :( haha.. anyways guess what... I got 2 things to tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up about 3 months ago... and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEAR U.. lol... ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3 cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally can HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im hoping this email addy is still the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe even help me move my shit in...are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui was soo confused... anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town and take me out so u better be around bebe...we only chatted a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot
know u better when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnt tell u cause i wasnt single lol...ok so more info about me.. well im 23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty named BOO and i luv her to death... uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but every gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all that.. love sex etc blah blah blah...who doesnt..I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the fone before i get there enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still wanna chill and arent married yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get there.. do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE to work in a bar or osmehting like that...really anythgin cause my current job is fun and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out meeting people.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i did? hmm shud i......????
 ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded out on me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat with people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right :)? I NOW.. like i figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play with myself heheh...anyways I hope u dont look down on that and NO THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol... i actually need help once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out....like i said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..
 ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives each of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like everyone else... the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY USE IT FOR URSELF... i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER...
  i figured u cud always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room... if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUST U... im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move.. also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :(
 I really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. im gonna go start work.. i really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my stress about the move... REALLY i mean that....anyways once i see u in insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dont wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me now days.. if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. but im hopign to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha...
k babe im out for now... chat ya soon..
kisses xoxo

            I have several issues with that message. One, I’m not attracted to grammatical errors. You can talk about licking balls all day, but if you can’t spell (or for that matter, be too lazy to click “SPELL CHECK”), I’m all set. Two, if I deleted you as one of my Facebook friends, there’s a 100% chance I never want to talk to you again. Third, if you’re unable to access your e-mail on a regular basis, I’m pretty sure chatting on a web cam would be even more impossible. I’ll give that message a C-.

            The next message is the classic “inheritance” message from overseas.

Konate Bedie: No Subject

From: Konate Bedie
ECO BANK BENIN
 
Dear Sir,
 
l am Konate Bedie, I am a banker and account officer to a foreigner who died  in Dec 26, 2003 that shared same surname with you. I am contacting  you to assist retrieve his huge deposit of US$37 Million left in  the bank here in Cotonou Benin before it gets confiscated. l wait to hear from you for more details. Please get in touch with  me as soon as your read this mail.

Best regards,
Konate Bedie

            I love this type of scam message. The poor typing validates the idea that you’re getting contacted by someone in Europe. I like the idea of a nine year gap from when the person died to when you’re getting contacted. I like the idea of sharing the same surname opening the door to you inheriting millions of dollars. I think this form of SPAM message would probably be my bread and butter.

            Finally, we finish with a SPAM message that invokes the patriot in all of us.

Dan Anderson: I need your help

I am captain Daniel Anderson with the United Nations troop in Afghanistan, to establishing a new government and the freedom of the people of Afghanistan on war against terrorism, Based on the United States legislative and executive decision that we will start withdrawal from Afghanistan in September 2012.

I found your contact through my search but honestly I don't know you, I need a reliable individual who can assist me. Because of series of killing of United States troops in Afghanistan especially the shot down of US helicopter that killed 30 American soldiers on the 5th of August 2011 and the five American soldiers who were killed by a bomb in Afghanistan on Thursday. After this series of killing I and my colleague decided to share the money we recovered on our raids on terrorist’s camp in Afghanistan. I have now in my possession the sum of $16.2M (Sixteen million two hundred thousand US Dollars) I packaged this money in a box which I deposited with a Red Cross Agents informing them that we are making contact for the real owner of the box and it is under my power to approve whoever comes forth for the box.
 
I want to invest the money under your care as soon as I leave Afghanistan for a good business anyway you will advise me on that, since I am not a businessperson. I cannot move this money on my own because of that I need someone I could trust. If you accept, I will transfer the money to you where you will be the beneficiary because I am a uniformed person and I cannot be parading with such an amount of money so I need to present someone as the beneficiary. I believe I can trust you.
 
I am an intelligence officer for that I have 100% authentic means of transferring the money through diplomatic courier service .I just need your acceptance and all is done.
 
Please if you are interested in the transaction; send me information’s below so that we can go into action. In less than 5days, the money should have been in your position and I will come over for my money. I will give you 30% of the total sum and 70% is for me.
 
A copy of your passport or drivers license …….………….
Your Address…………………………………………………
Your direct telephone….. …………………………………..
 
Why am requesting for a copy of your passport or driver’s license is to prepare a document which I will present to the Red Cross officials as the rightful owner of the box.
 
I wait for urgent response, Reply back on, dananderson1@skymail.mn
 
Regards,
Capt. Daniel Anderson

            It took every ounce of my being to not submit my personal information in the name of fighting terrorism. SPAM operators everywhere listen up. I can write messages just like these. Sign me up.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (5/18-5/20)

10. Kerry Wood Strikes Out a Dude, Then Retires
            Wood’s decision to retire after a strikeout is one of the coolest baseball stories of the past decade. Call me crazy, but I think he took a page out of the George Costanza playbook in deciding to leave on a high note.

9. Jimmie Johnson Wins All-Star Race

            Thanks to the ill-fated format change (on paper rewarding winners of each segment with a prime starting spot for the final 10 laps wasn’t a horrendous idea, except for once Jimmie Johnson won the first segment, he had no reason to drive hard for the next 60 laps), this race will go down as the most hated All-Star race in history. To erase any ill will created by Saturday night’s debacle, here’s the classic finish of “One Hot Night”, the first Motorsports race run under the lights on a super-speedway.

8. Chelsea Wins First Champions League Title

            Heroics by Didier Drogba (a legend in EA Sports FIFA games for years) carried Chelsea to an unlikely victory over Bayern Munich.

7. Lebron and Wade Combine For 70 Points to Lead Miami to Game 4 Win

            Apparently it took a desperate situation to bring out the best in Miami’s dynamic duo. In a series where Indiana now probably has the 3^rd-10^th best players, they’ll need to carry their momentum into Game 5.

6. Strasburg Ks 8 in Five Innings, Also Hits a Home Run

            With as talented as Strasburg is, I’m shocked he didn’t also come up with a cure for cancer during his start Sunday against Baltimore.

5. Spurs Sweep Clippers

             There isn’t a hotter team in the NBA than the oldest team in the NBA not named the Boston Celtics.

4. Celtics Blow 15-Point Lead, Let 76ers Even Series

            Thankfully, Boston got their act together in Game 5.

3. Papelbon Records Save in First Career Appearance Against Red Sox

            After their former closer (who apparently Boston couldn’t afford because you know, they don’t have much money or anything) shut them down in an embarrassing loss, it was imperative for Boston to sweep the weekend games.

2. I’ll Have Another Wins Another Race

            I wish I could take as much credit for I’ll Have Another’s success in the Preakness like I did with the Kentucky Derby, but I waffled a little bit and threw him and Bodemiester in a two horse parlay (which won, thank you very much). No Credentials will be cheering I.H.A. on when he attempts to win the first Triple Crown in 34 years at the Belmont.

1. Durant Buries The Lakers, Thunder Take 3-1 Series Lead   

            If not for some shady calls by refs Friday night, we’d be talking about an Oklahoma City sweep. Kevin Durant is clearly the best player in this series (his effectiveness on the defensive end appears to be growing with every game), and Russell Westbrook is making a case that he’s the second. There battle with the Spurs in the Western Conference Finals will be one for the ages. 

No Credentials "Mailbag" 5-18-12

            As usual, these may or may not be actual messages from real or fake people.

Assuming that the Mayans are on to something, what are the best signs that the end of days will be upon us soon? – Edgar, Lynn, MA

            Here’s two clear events that might lead you to plan you finances so you have $0 in your bank account on December 21^st, 2012.

2. Kanye West dating Kim Kardashian – If these two create offspring, we’re dead. We’re all DEAD.

1. Dick Clark died – Assuming that the Mayans are right, I’m guessing this conversation happened shortly before Clark passed away.

God: It’s your time.

Clark: I can’t leave yet! That’ll leave Seacrest all alone on New Year’s Eve. He’ll ruin the show!
God: The world is going to explode 10 days before New Year’s Eve this year. You won’t have to worry about that.
Clark: Well if that’s the case, can I listen to Robert Johnson in Heaven?
God: You can download him on Lord-Tunes, but you can’t see him live. He went straight to Hell.

So Mariano Rivera is indestructable for parts of 3 decades, but his replacement can’t even stay upright for two weeks? Tony, Riverhead, NY

            Whenever an unusually durable athlete does down to an injury, the replacement always goes down with an ailment of his own shortly after. A similar thing happened when Brett Favre’s consecutive games streak came to an end in 2010. Tavaris “The Virus” Jackson tore a knee ligament the next week.

(EDITORS NOTE: In a year that MLB instituted a second wildcard in an attempt to insure that the Yankees and Red Sox make the playoffs, isn’t it funny that the odds of both squads making it this year are very low? Both team's bullpens are suspect. Boston’s starting pitching has been inconsistent, while New York’s aging offense has been sputtering (with the exception of Derek Jeter, who figured out that ditching Minka Kelly was the key to restoring his power stroke). The only saving grace for both teams has been the struggles of the Angels, who No Credentials predicted would be a shoe-in for one of the two Wildcard spots (I’m not giving up on them yet. It’s still way to early to count out any team, assuming they don’t play in Kansas City, Minnesota, Seattle, Oakland, Houston, Chicago, or San Diego), are five games under .500 at the time of this writing.

Justin Bieber says he has “had a beer”. What brand do you think it was? Tasha, Harrison, ME

            What a great question. Let’s rank the top-5 candidates in reverse order.

5.  Mike’s Hard Lemonade

4.  Molson Canadian (he's from Canada after all)
3. Smirnoff Triple Raspberry Lemon Shake w/hint of Pineapple (guessing this is a custom beverage Smirnoff made for the Bieb)
2. Skyy Blue
1. Labatt Blue

Who do you have winning the Preakness? – Abigail, Red Rock, TX

            I want to stay loyal to I’ll Have Another, but facing a small field with very few sprinters, Bodemiester should have an easier go of it. He won’t need to try to set a land-speed record in the first half of the race, and should have plenty left in the tank coming down the stretch. 

Still trying to wrap my head around how Chris Bosh makes such a huge difference for the Miami Heat. Sam, Epping, NH

            Anyone that knows anything about basketball would never argue that Chris Bosh is the second best player on the Miami Heat. However, one could make a case that he’s the second most valuable player the Heat have. The similar skill sets of Lebron James and Dwyane Wade make it hard for them to function together in the same play (unless it’s a fast break). More often than not, one of them gets the ball at the top of the key and runs a pick-and-roll with a Miami big (when healthy, that big would be Bosh) while the other stands on the side and watches from the 3-point line. With Bosh out, whoever is setting the screen for James/Wade is not a consistent threat to score in a pick-and-roll. This allows the opposing big men to clog the lane and shut down drives to the basket. Miami’s half-court offense has morphed into the basketball equivalent of a poop sandwich without Bosh.
            The secret to solving this problem? Run James and Wade in the pick and roll together (if Lebron bitches about playing the 4, tell him to shut the fuck up), surround them with Chalmers and whichever stiff you want to plug in at small forward (I’ll vote for Shane Battier over Mike Miller and James Jones) on the wings, with Joel Anthony on the backside to hit the offensive glass (not that he could catch an offensive rebound, he’s much more likely to fumble it out of bounds). The most likely outcomes of running this offense would be a drive to the basket or a wide open 3. Let’s make sure Coach Spo doesn’t see this paragraph until the Heat are eliminated by the Pacers.      

How much do you have to like hockey to give a shit about Kings-Coyotes? – Ed, Manchester, VT

            I’ll grade myself a slightly above average fan of hockey (I play fantasy hockey, that earns me the above average tag), and I’m struggling to care about this one. Anything involving Phoenix makes it hard to take seriously, espeically when you have a throwback match-up in the Eastern Conference.

Who wins a fight, Axl Rose or a pissed off Kurt Busch? – George, Hickory, NC

            This one would definitly be a lightweight division battle. Kurt is certainly a volitale personality, but all of his abuse has been verbal. Axl’s willingness to throw a fist or two gives him the edge.

"Its black and white". Translation - its obvious, crystal clear, incontrovertible, fact. I understand the statement. I often use it.

           So now I give you my problem (question). Why is it black and white? Is it because they are equal and exact opposites? If that were the case why would we not say "its positive and negative" IE battery terminals? And if we are basing this on black and white being equal and exact opposites we must take into consideration that black isn't a color and as we all know white is. ( We could debate that statement until I was blue and you were red in the face) Or is it because we look at it like words on a page? Something written in a "matter of fact" way? If this is the case, could we say "blue (ink) and yellow (paper)"? Walk into any Staples and shop around the Post It and Sharpie section and we might be saying "Its pecker pink and pumpkin orange". But maybe that wouldn't have the impact the user was looking for.
          And what if your colorblind? I guess in that case white, blue, black or yellow don't apply. Ultimately Wrench, what I'm asking is why is it "black and white". And please don't tell me its obvious, crystal clear, incontrovertible or fact. – Ryan B., Kearsarge, NH
          I think there were 16 questions in the previous two paragraphs. For fear of drifting too far into a gray area, we’ll let the question stand on it’s own. Until next time…

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (5/11-5/13)

10. Osi Umenyiora Wishes LeSean McCoy a Happy Mother’s Day
            I’ll give Umenyiora an A+ for one of the more clever uses of Twitter in recent memory.

9. Andy Pettitte Returns

            Pettitte is going to have to order up a double shot of HGH after getting roughed up by the light-hitting Seattle Mariners Sunday.

8. Josh Hamilton Keeps Going Bonkers

            Hamilton is in a stratosphere of dominance right now usually reserved for Barry Bonds and Ken Griffey Jr. in TECMO Super Baseball. I had the chance to draft Hamilton in three leagues this year (as in, there were three drafts where it was him or another player that I was going to take at some point in the third or fourth round), but sadly only took him in one. Bummer.

7. Lebron and Wade Lead Bosh-less Heat

            I could see Indiana keeping four games with Miami close through 3 quarters, but the Lebron-Wade combo figuring out a way to win all of them.

6. Defying History, Clippers Win at Memphis

            This is one of the most confusing series I ever remember following in the past 10 years. I guess when characters like Zach Randolph and Vinny Del Negro are involved, craziness should be expected. Los Angeles has earned the right to get slaughtered by San Antonio in the second round.

5. Jimmie Johnson Earns Win #200 For Rick Hendrick

            Check out this page for a bunch of assorted facts about Rick Hendrick’s 200 wins in the Winston/Nextel/Sprint Cup Series. The numbers say that Mr. Hendrick is very fortunate to have employed Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson over the past 18 years. 

4. Lakers Take Game 7, Earn Second Round Date With Oklahoma City

            Normally Laker victories don’t rank that high in this space, but I made a bunch of money thanks to the heroics of Steve Blake. 

3. Manchester City Scores Twice in Injury Time, Steals Premier League Title From Manchester United

            It’s hard enough to score two goals in 90 minutes, much less two goals in stoppage time. Considering the stakes, this is one of the most incredible comebacks in EPL history.

2. Rangers Finally Eliminate Pesky Capitals

            In a Stanley Cup Playoffs that has been completely upside down, the New York Rangers advancing to the Eastern Conference Finals is the only thing that makes sense.

1. Hobbled Celtics Survive Game 1 Against 76ers

            It wasn’t a thing of beauty, but Boston was bailed out by the play of Rajon Rondo and Kevin Garnett. I had more nice things to say before Game 2 of this series set the game of basketball back 60 years.         

NBA Eastern Conference Semi-Finals Picks

Celtics Over 76ers
Philadelphia barely beat a Bulls team that was missing it's best player (and last year's MVP) and it's second or third best player for the majority of the series. Even though I like Philadelphia to cover a 5-point spread in Game 1, you're on crack if you think they can beat Boston.

Celtics in 5

Heat Over Pacers
Indiana is arguably the deepest team in the Eastern Conference, but Miami still will have the best two players on the court. The Pacers might push the Heat, but depth will lose to talent in the end.

Heat in 5

Classic NASCAR Crash of the Week - Darlington

It's hard to believe there was a time when window nets weren't mandatory in NASCAR, but that all changed after this horrofic Richard Petty crash at Darlington in 1970.

Despite ending up with his arm and head hanging out of the car, Petty escaped this accident with a concussion and a seperated shoulder.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (5/4-5/6)

10. Eric McClure is Still With Us
            If McClure’s crash in Saturday’s Nationwide Series event at Talladega had happened in 2000 instead of 2012, he would be dead. Yet another reminder of how important the safety improvements in Motorsports has been.  

9. Shaq Gets His Degree

            If getting his degree gets him one step closer to leaving the TV set with Charles Barkley, I’m all for Shaq earning the title of “Doctor”.

8. Thunder Sweep Mavericks

            It’s not often you get to see two rosters on totally different long term tracks face off in a playoff series. Dallas essentially punted 2012, clearing enough cap space to make a run at both Dwight Howard and Deron Williams in the off-season. Unfortunately for them, Howard elected to remain under contract for one more season, and now Dallas might not be attractive enough (only Dirk Nowitzki and Jason Kidd are under contract for next season) to warrant Deron Williams giving up more money to bolt Brooklyn. Oklahoma City on the other hand, looks like an emerging super power. When James Harden plays the way he did in Game 4 against the Mavericks, the Thunder are unstoppable.

7. Kings Sweep Blues

            I may be in the minority (the television ratings for the Western Conference Finals will prove that), but it’s pretty cool to have the Kings back as a competitive hockey club. Not since Little Wayne was in town has Los Angeles been relevant.

6. Albert Pujols Finally Hits a Home Run

            Mike Scioscia should’ve given Pujols a day off on April 10^th instead of May 5^th.

5. Capitals Even Series With Rangers

            Has there been a quicker change of identity by a NHL team than what the Capitals have pulled off the past year? They’ve gone from being a high scoring, up-and down attack to a style that isn’t far off of the dreaded trap used by the New Jersey Devils in the 1990s. What they’ve done so far against the top two seeds in the East is remarkable.

4. Knicks Finally Win a Playoff Game

            You have to give Amar’e Stoudemire some credit. After doing something incredibly dumb (punching a glass fire extinguisher case qualifies as “incredibly dumb” in my book), it would’ve been easy for him to disappear while his team was swept out of the playoffs by a superior Heat squad. Stoudemire went the other way, playing with heavy padding on his left hand and giving the Knicks a huge lift in the first quarter. Miami is probably going to slaughter the Knicks Wednesday night, but this win at least gives New York fans some hope that a Carmelo-Stoudemire pairing can be successful.

3. Brad Keselowski Pulls A Fast One at Talladega

            Keselowski’s solution to holding on to the lead on the last lap at Talladega was so simple, it’s amazing no one else had thought of it before. Even more amazing was Tony Stewart apologizing to the fans because they didn’t crash enough.  

2. Celtics Take Control With 2 Wins Over Atlanta

            After nearly choking away Game 3, it was important for Boston to lay the smack down Sunday evening. They’ll look to close out the disinterested looking Hawks Tuesday night at Atlanta.

1. I’ll Have Another Wins Kentucky Derby  

            My attachment to I’ll Have Another started thanks to a blog post where my main objectives were to make fun of every horse’s name and find a horse to waste a $20 bet on. It resulted in the greatest random gambling moment in the history of No Credentials. Here’s the video, followed by a breakdown of what No Credentials was thinking during each segment of the race.      

0:00-0:34 = One of the few things I understand about horse racing is that a good start is crucial. Starting in post position 19 (the second slot from the left on screen), if I.H.A. got buried behind 10 horses it was over. Fortunately, he didn’t get mired in the pack, and had a nice little space of his own through the first turn.

0:35-0:59 = I.H.A. is cruising on the tail end of the mid-pack while Bodemiester is setting a blistering pace. Not sure why Bodemiester’s jockey was pushing him so hard early. Maybe he had a hot date. At this point my wife thought I’ll Have Another was done, but I was optimistic. “The horse that leads early never wins,” I said. You’d almost swear that I knew things about horses.

1:00-1:40 = I’ll Have Another makes his move, weaving through four different horses to place himself in second as they turned for home. I was stunned that by ridiculous $20 bet (with 12/1 odds!) actually had a chance of hitting.

1:41-1:49 = Here’s some dialogue from the Muir home at this point in the race.

My Wife = “He’s too far behind.”
No Credentials = “He’s coming.”

1:50-1:54 = Go, go, go…

1:55-2:00 = (insert fist pumping here) GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!!!…

2:01-2:18 = …GO, GO, GO…YAAAAAAAAA!!! WHOO!!!!!!!!

            My son, perplexed as to why Daddy would be screaming about horses, finally figured out that all the commotion was a good thing and started throwing in some little “WHOO!”s for good measure. Screw football. Horse racing is the new favorite sport of No Credentials.

Classic NASCAR Crash of the Week - Talladega

Only Dale Earnhardt's fatal crash at Daytona impacted NASCAR more than Bobby Allison's 1987 accident at Talladega.

Amazingly, no spectators or Allison were seriously injured. This was the last time Cup cars ran without a restrictor plate at either Daytona or Talladega. Bobby's son Davey scored his first career Winston Cup victory in this same race.



100% Uninformed Kentucky Derby Pick

            Amazingly, my Sportsbook account still has a fair amount of cash in it (almost 3 times more than the initial investment, thank you very much), which has now given me a chance to cross an item off of my gambling bucket list…wagering on the Kentucky Derby. Ever since missing the race when I was 12 or 13 because I had to go to the bathroom (that’s no joke, I got up from the living room near the end of a commercial break, and when I came back, the winning horse was galloping into turn 1 after crossing the finish line) I’ve had a fascination with the event. Friend of the blog Mike Stevens and I watched together as Eight Belles tragically collapsed after she finished second in 2008. We paid tribute to her the rest of the evening (by paying tribute I mean, we said a few words and then had a Jagerbomb four or five times). I wish I had more of a back-story about my fascination with the Kentucky Derby, but that’s all I got. 
            Today I’m publishing the thought process behind which horse I will bet $20 on. Three factors determined the horse I will endorse (hey that rhymed!).

1. The horse has to have a cool name. Kind of like pro athletes and actors, if the horse doesn’t have a name, he doesn’t have a game.
2. I want some good odds. Especially this year, where most experts are saying that as many as ten horses have a great chance to win, it’s best to get some good odds on your investment. For example, a $20 bet on Bodemiester will net you an $80 win, while a $20 bet on El Padrino will get you $400.
3. If a horse covers the first two bases, I needed to find at least one writer on-line who thought that horse could win.

         Now that you know the in-exact science behind my selections, let’s look at each of the 20 horses that will run tomorrow.

20. Liaison (50/1)

            I’m not prepared to wager on a horse whose name means “a means to maintain communication”. What a stupid name for a horse.

19. Done Talking (50/1)

            This name would be much more fitting for a classic Carrie Underwood man-hating power ballad than a Kentucky Derby winner.

18. Sabercat (30/1)

            On one hand, I’d like to rank a horse named after an arena football team higher. On the other, couldn’t they have at least named it after a Double-A baseball team? You could talk me into betting on “Sea Dog”.

17. Trinniberg (50/1)

            I wasn’t able to find the origin of Trinniberg’s name within 35 seconds, but I’m guessing it has to do with something German. I have nothing against Germans, just thought I would note it.

16. Optimizer (50/1)

            Was this horse named by an eight year old?

15. Rousing Sermon (50/1)

            Rousing Sermon would be at least 20/1 if its name had something to do with Tim Tebow. I’d plunk some cash on a horse named “Errant Throw” without hesitation.

14. Went The Day Well (20/1)

            A horse with four words in its name has never won the Kentucky Derby (look it up here if you don’t believe me), so if you planned on betting on Went The Day Well, save yourself some time and set your money on fire.

13. Hansen (10/1)

            I’m not betting on any horse whose name is loosely associated with this band.

12. Daddy Nose Best (15/1)

           Naming a racehorse with a pun should be considered a major misuse of a resource.

11. Daddy Long Legs (30/1)

            I guess it’s cool to have two horses whose name starts with “Daddy” in the same race. It wasn’t a wise move to name a horse after a spider. I could think of an ark’s worth of animals that are faster than spiders. Daddy Long Legs doesn’t have a chance Saturday.

10. Alpha (15-1)

            Alpha is the only horse in the field that will be running for 25% of our galaxy (there’s a reference for all three “Star Trek” nerds that read this blog). His success will hinge on how well he handles that burden.

9. El Padrino (20/1)

            El Padrino was a nickname for Pablo Escobar; a Colombian cocaine dealer who Forbes Magazine estimated was the seventh richest man on Earth in the late-80s. The owners of this horse should’ve played it safe and named him “Big Papi” instead. 

8. Creative Cause (12/1)

            To fully capitalize on a name like this, the jockey better have “Save the Whales” plastered all over his back.

7. Gemologist (6/1)

            Can you picture a horse grading the quality of diamonds? Me neither, which makes this stupid name that much more fun. Here are some other cool careers that you could name a horse after.

Hygienist

Stylist
Physicist
Appraisist
Pharmacist
Masturbationist  
Machinist
Botanist
Quarterbackist
Gamblist
Humorist
Kardashianist

6. Take Charge Indy (15/1)

            Is the name of this horse paying homage to Indianapolis Motor Speedway? Peyton Manning? Reggie Miller? Bob Knight? Leaving the state of Indiana for a second, Indiana Jones? I demand answers.

5. Bodemiester (4/1)

            I can’t cheer for a horse that is owned by…

…this asshole

4. Prospective (30/1)

            I support any and all forms of prospecting (whether it be in relation to business, real estate, dating, ect.), so I’m a fan of the name. Also, Prospective has won 4 of its last 6 races. Even though he’s not my number one choice, Prospective is my favorite long shot winner. No Credentials will probably drop $5 on him just for kicks.   

3. Dullahan (8/1)

            Named after a headless Irish fairy, Dullahan’s trainers claim that even if he is in last place coming off of the first turn, he could still win the race. I’ll let the world know that Dullahan was firmly entrenched in the number one spot on this list until I found out that a fairy is involved in his name origin (another reminder, this blog is called No Credentials for a reason). 

2. Union Rags (4.5/1)
            Here’s my wife’s pick to win. Her interest in this horse may or may not be related to a slang term for the menstrual cycle.

1. I’ll Have Another (12/1)

            Flashbacks to nights of consuming multiple Jagerbombs and Budweisers drew me to this horse immediately. Also, assorted web pages give I.H.A. a good chance to win. So here’s the “No Credentials Horse That We’ll Blow $20 On” for 2012, I’ll Have Another. If you don’t have a dog in the fight, do us a favor and pull for him Saturday.