Happy St. Patrick’s Day to actual Irish people. You folks that aren’t Irish, but celebrate today like you are, I got some winning words for you. You want to know why I don’t get smashed on St. Patrick’s Day? Because everyday is St. Patrick’s Day for Charlie Sheen. I slam four eight balls with three porn stars on Easter. I chug fifths of Patron on Arbor Day. I slam 7-gram rocks on August 18th. You get the idea. I don’t need to show up on “Amateur Night”. I don’t need to gag on three green beers to show how full throttle I am, and neither do you. Earn yourself. Win the war. Torpedo the giraffe…The troll of the day award (sponsored by Defeat is Not an Option) goes to Randy Moss. Seriously, I didn’t sound half as pathetic when I was begging Denise Richards to stay with me. Stick a fork in me if I ever crawl back to Chuck Lorre begging forgiveness…Who’s looking more haggard these days, me or Katie Couric?…I’d like to welcome all NFL players to the exclusive “Unemployed Winners” club. Enjoy it while it lasts…My live tour is in jeopardy because I just found out I can’t snort blow on stage…When will ESPN assign Todd McShay to laundry duty for Mel Kiper?…When I start feeling bad about myself, I replay The Situation’s bit from the Donald Trump roast on my DVR…Is it really that hard for Bruce Pearl to not think about his future, seeing how he won’t have one with Tennessee?…When I finally go totally insane, I hope I randomly start yelling “JIMMER!”…I can emphasize with Jalen Rose. Duke would never of recruited a kid like me either…Kevin Durant has enough tiger blood in his pipe cleaners to win the Western Conference…When I win my $100 from Warner Brothers, will that be enough money to buy Clippers? Blake Griffin will look good wearing a Hollywood Tiger Bloods jersey…Say what you want about my career, but at least I didn’t end up on a CBS-spin off series co-starring with LL Cool J…
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