Thursday, April 28, 2011

NFL Draft Running Diary With Charlie Sheen

7:45pm = We are coming to you live from my living room. For those of you that have never read Bill Simmons' columns on ESPN, this running diary is a shameless rip-off of him. Fortunately, he can't sue me because I don't generate any income with this blog.

Tonight, myself and fellow No Credentials analyst Charlie Sheen will be analyzing each selection of the NFL Draft. Also, since the draft is boring, we'll be flicking around between three NBA Game 6s and the first game of the Canucks-Predators series. Anything Charlie writes will be in italics.

It's great to be here. Ever since my goddesse's ditched me I have way more free time. Now instead of supplying enough cocaine for three people, I only need to get enough to support myself. Life is good. Winning.

7:50pm = I've got the Magic-Hawks on right now before the draft starts at 8pm. Both teams are competing valiantly for the right to get slaughtered by the Bulls in round 2.

7:53pm = Remember watching Joe Morgan on Sunday Night Baseball, when for the past decade he would claim that home run totals were up due to players "working out more", and never acknowledging that any of the players took steroids? I'm expecting a similar performance from Chris Berman tonight in regards to the NFL labor woes.

7:56pm = Cam Newton's dad looks like me just before I'm about to bang a 8-gram rock.

7:57pm = On the ESPN main stage, we have Chris Berman hosting, with Jon Gruden, Mel Kiper, and Mel Kiper's hair joining him. Berman just shocked me by actually mentioning the lockout. Big ups to him.

7:58pm = 14-12 Hawks with 5 minutes left in the first quarter. Of all the first round series in both the NBA and NHL, this is the only series that was completly unwatchable.

7:59pm = First alley-oop of the series for Dwight Howard. He still looks like he hates everyone of his teammates though.

8:00pm = Cam Newton is on his cell phone. No word if he is finalizing his last payment from Auburn or setting up his plane trip to Carolina.

8:03pm = Newton is hugging his family before the pick is announced. This shouldn't be allowed.

8:04pm = Roger Goodell is loudly booed by the fans in attendance at the draft. Good times.

8:05pm = Carolina Panthers select Auburn quarterback Cam Newton with the first pick. His ceiling is Ben Roethlisberger (minus the luring underage girls into a bathroom hopefully). His floor is JaMarcus Russell.

Say what you want about Newton earning more money at Auburn than I did filming an episode of "Two and a Half Men", but the guy has Adonis DNA. He's got the tiger blood. Love this pick. He's a rockstar.

8:08pm = "He's overrated" - my fiancee on Cam Newton.

8:11pm = Jon Gruden just ran through 14 things that Cam Newton needs to work on to be an effective NFL QB. Panthers fans everywhere threw up in their mouths.

8:13pm = Texas A&M linebacker Von Miller goes to Denver with the 2nd pick. He's probably among the five safest picks in this draft.

I didn't like to see him cry there. Winners don't cry. Jon Cryer cries. Hell, the first three letters of his last name spell cry.

8:18pm = Flipped over to TNT to check out Lakers-Hornets for a bit. Solid acting job by Derek Fisher to draw offensive foul on Chris Paul.

8:20pm = After screwing up last years 1st round pick, Buffalo makes amends by grabbing Alabama DT Marcell Dareus. Apparently know when told him he's going to Buffalo, because he's smiling way to much.

8:24pm = The Bengals draft WR A.J. Green out of Georgia. I hate when bad teams grab skill position players. What good does a wideout do when you can't block or play defense?

That's similar to this theory...what good is a porn star without Charlie Sheen to have sex with her?

8:30pm = Everyone was expecting a trade at the 5th spot, but Arizona stays put and grabs LSU CB Patrick Peterson. This guy looks like he will be a shut-down cornerback for the next decade. Arizona made the right move staying put, and not drafting a quarterback.

8:33pm = "This guy better be a shutdown corner with the 5th pick in the draft" - I'm glad we flew Jon Gruden in for expert analysis tonight.

8:34pm = Atlanta makes an aggressive move and trades for the 6th pick from Cleveland. It looks like Julio Jones is going to the Falcons.

8:36pm = ESPN shows a montage narrated by Jon Gruden of Julio Jones dropping passes. I'm enjoying ESPN's decision to antagonize fanbases this evening.

8:37pm = Alabama WR Julio Jones is officially announced as the 6th pick by the Atlanta Falcons. Atlanta gave up five picks (2011 1st, 2nd, and 4th, along with 2012 1st and 4th) for the right to move up 21 spots in the first round.

At first glance, that is an insane amount of picks to give up for a rookie wide out. Perhaps adding another weapon alongside Roddy White will make the Falcons a dynamite offense, but they better hope their roster is solid for the next two seasons to withstand losing four draft picks.

On the flipside, a great move by Cleveland. As mentioned earliar with Cincinnati, I hate when bad teams grab wide receivers and runningbacks with top 10 picks. It didn't make much sense for Cleveland to add a receiver when they have tons of holes on defense. Grabbing four extra players will prove much more beneficial than adding one wide receiver.

I tried to trade Denise Richards one night for a bottle of vodka, a Volkswagen Bug, and Chuck Norris.

8:42pm = San Francisco passes up Missouri quarterback Blaine Gabbert for Missouri DE Aldon Smith. This is a good move to shore up a solid defense.

8:45pm = The first "WOW!" of the night. Tennessee goes way off the board and takes Washington QB Jake Locker. I think we can safely say that the Vince Young era is over. Mel Kiper is killing Locker for his completion percentage. Gruden is arguing saying that the percentage was due to poor talent around him. Chris Berman just compared him to Brett Favre (first Favre mention of the night). Needless to say, craziness ensued when Locker was taken. It's fun in any draft (real-life or fantasy) when a team or individual makes the first pick that makes absoleutly no sense.

The lone defense of this pick is the comparison to Favre. Favre started four years for Southern Mississippi in college, barely completed half of his passes, and went on to become the greatest quarterback in NFL history who ever texted a picture of his penis to a fellow team employee.

8:52pm = Blaine Gabbert looks like someone just punched him in the face.

8:54pm = My Dallas Cowboys take Tackle Tyron Smith from USC. This is the first time the Cowboys have taken an offensive lineman in the Jerry Jones era. I wish we traded down, but am happy we addressed the offensive line. And no, I won't apoligize for saying "we".

8:58pm = Wasn't Nick Fairley the projected #1 pick three months ago? Can someone explain to me why he is still on the board?

9:00pm = Washington trades down from #10, sending the 10th pick to Jacksonville.

9:01pm = "What is that, a hockey player?" - my fiancee on Blaine Gabbert, who looks like he is about to be taken by Jacksonville.

9:02pm = Gabbert (out of Missouri) is officially chosen by Jacksonville. I read the other day on ESPN.com that apparently Gabbert has a "great memory". In other words, he's the anti-me. I can't remember anything.

Of all the quarterback picks so far, this makes the most sense. Gabbert can sit on the bench for a year or two behind Garrard and develop. Still waiting to see the official package that they shipped to Washington.

Can I sign Suzy Kolber up as one of my new goddesses? What a saucy babe.

9:07pm = Just found out Jacksonville is playing twice on Monday Night Football this year. Can someone tell me why?

9:08pm = Houston grabs J.J. Watt out of Wisconsin. It made sense for the Texans to find a pass rusher. He's a great compliment to Mario Williams.

9:11pm = They just showed Nick Fairley in the green room. I wasn't sure why he was still sitting on the board, but now I'm thinking his outfit might have something to do with it.

Forget the fat guy, I want to talk about St. John's recruiting God's Gift. If he's not winning, than what chance do we have?

9:14pm = Minnesota just made quite possibly the worst first round pick in the last five years by taking Florida State QB Christian Ponder. Mel Kiper just compared him to Chad Pennington. That's right, the same Chad Pennington with a noodle arm. Yikes.

9:21pm = Detroit just formed the best young 1-2 punch in the middle with DT Nick Fairley from Auburn. Good luck running up the middle against him and last years defensive rookie of the year Ndamouka Suh. The steal of the draft. I don't even care what happens for the rest of it.

9:26pm = It's funny that the worst pick of the draft was followed up by the best one. We'll remember this day when Detroit is a much better football team in three years than Minnesota.

9:29pm = St. Louis takes North Carolina DE Robert Quinn. Quinn was suspended last year because of NCAA violations, but he was a monster when he played in 2009. Quinn is a top-5 talent that the Rams grabbed at 14.

9:34pm = It looks like the Lakers and Hawks are taking care of business. Lakers up by 8 in the 3rd, Hawks up by 10 in the 4th.

9:35pm = Miami avoids the temptation to grab a quarterback or runningback by snagging Florida C Mike Pouncey. Mike is the twin brother of Maurkice Pouncey, who was a Pro Bowler for the Steelers last year. Great selection by Miami.

9:39pm = Either I missed what Jacksonville traded to Washington or ESPN neglected to mention it, but Washington is now on the clock at 16. I'm secretly pulling for them to take the red-headed quarterback (because I think he is going to suck).

I could make numerous inappropriate jokes about red-heads sucking...but I'll just stick to winning and digress.

9:42pm = It looks like Washington actually made a good decision (they must've locked Daniel Snyder out of the war room) and picked Purdue DE Ryan Kerrigan.

9:48pm = New England uses the first of their 67 draft picks on Colorado tackle Nate Solder. Kiper isn't crazy about this pick, but one should never bet against The Hoodie.

Did someone say "The Hoodie"? Sweet, I think my eight ball is here.

9:53pm = Chris Berman just spoke passionately about improving the Chargers defense. Not sure why he's so invested in their success, but it was an enjoyable speech.

9:56pm = Apparently Roger Goodell was taking a bathroom pick, because Illinois DT Cory Liuget had to wait an extra five minutes for the commish to annouce his selection by the San Diego Chargers.

9:57pm = Now is as good a time as any to make fun of the fans sitting in the crowd at Radio City Music Hall (the site of the draft). Assumming that these people paid money to attend this event, they are all morons. Let's think about what you're watching. Big dudes in suits walking on to a stage and taking pictures. That's it.

10:02pm = Giants grab top ten talent Prince Amukamara, a cornerback out of Nebraska. If Dallas took him at nine I wouldn't of complained. Solid pick by the Giants.

10:06pm = Lakers are hammering New Orleans by 16 with 7 and a half minutes to play.

10:20pm = I had to miss the last few minutes because my 10-month old son woke up and I had to rock him to sleep for a little bit. If for even a second I'm annoyed by this scenario, I always remind myself that in fourteen years he'll want nothing to do with me.

10:22pm = Here's what I missed...

#20 - Adrian Clayborn, DE, Iowa
#21 - Phil Taylor, DT, Baylor

What's with all the fat dudes? When are we drafting Mila Kunis?

10:26pm = Colts make a solid pick with Boston College OT Anthony Castonzo. They needed to find some form of youth to block for Peyton Manning. Castonzo fits the bill.

10:31pm = Apparently, the Eagles are drafting the entire New York Fire Department. At least they milked a "USA" chant out of the idiots in the audience.

The odd chant reminds me of the Black Friday NASCAR race I wrote about in my NASCAR preview blog. Brad Whitford from Aerosmith was the Grand Marshal (which means he got to say "GENTLEMAN START YOUR ENGINES!"). Anyways, before the festivities started, Whitford got on the microphone and asked the crowd to get a "USA" chant going for the drivers. The fans in the crowd (who were freezing) didn't even make a peep. After an awkward silence, Whitford said, "No...okay," and then got off the mic. I promise it was much funnier if you were actually there. You're just going to have to trust me.

10:34pm = After the awkward tribute to the firemen, it was finally announced that the Eagles select Baylor guard Danny Watkins. I have nothing to say about him other than I like his pink shirt.

10:39pm = Jon Gruden is begging someone to draft Da'Quan Bowers. Maybe he will get a commission.

10:42pm = New Orleans snags California DE Cameron Jordan. Jordan is obviously destined for stardom because he shares the same first name as me. Kiper's Hair loves this pick.

10:44pm = I'm still trying to figure out how the Atlanta Hawks beat Orlando. I know the Magic are a one-man gang, but it's the fricken Hawks. They never beat anybody. We can start debating where Dwight Howard will end up right now.

10:47pm = Adam Schefter is reporting that Seattle is attempting to move back in the draft. No word yet on whether or not Chris Mortensen wants to push Schefter off of the balcony.

10:51pm = Unable to make a trade, Seattle selects Alabama guard James Carpenter. Solid pick at this point in the first round.

10:57pm = We just had our annual Drew Rosenhaus sighting during the NFL Draft. I love that guy. He could sell Jesus to Osama Bin Laden.

11:00pm = Apparently Baltimore couldn't figure out what to do, because somehow they ran out of time. I can't figure out how this is possible. This means that Kansas City jumps up to #26, with Baltimore falling back to #27. This wasn't quite as bad as Minnesota wasting 15 minutes a few years back and then grabbing Bryant McKinnie with the 8th pick instead of the 7th (which resulted in a long hold out from McKinnie because he felt he should've been paid as much money as the 7th player in the draft).

11:04pm = Kansas City takes WR Jon Baldwin (out of Pittsburgh) with the 26th pick. Baltimore fans everywhere are very confused.

11:05pm = Baltimore finally gets to choose a player and grabs Colorado CB Jimmy Smith. Apparently Baltimore had a trade in place with Chicago that fell through (which is why they ran out of time), but in the end they up with a player who will help them.

11:09pm = In typical form, New England trades away the 28th pick to New Orleans. Looks like the Saints are taking Mark Ingram.

11:13pm = New Orleans traded this years 2nd round pick and next year's 1st to New England for the rights to acquire Mark Ingram. Other than New England or Indianapolis, I don't think Ingram could've ended up in a better situation.

If I'm a Patriots fan, I have to be shaking my head. Stockpiling picks is great and all, but don't you have to use them eventually?

11:16pm = As a die-hard Cowboys fan, I firmly disagree with Mel Kiper comparing Mark Ingram to Emmitt Smith.

11:20pm = Chicago makes a solid selection with Wisconsion OT Gabe Carimi. They need someone to block for Jay Cutler.

11:22pm = We better hammer through these last three picks. I'm starting to fall asleep in my chair.

Instead of watching this stupid draft, we should've invited Tera Patrick, Savana Samson, and Sasha Grey over. Talk about some winning.

11:24pm = The annual footage of dumbass Jets fans just woke me up a little bit. The Jets grabbed Muhammad Wilkerson, a DT out of Temple. A very good depth pick for them. He won't need to contribute right away, but within a year or two he could be a force.

11:27pm = Pittsburgh selects DE Cameron Heyward out of Ohio State. If nothing else, he'll be able to help his teammates find a great place to get a cheap tatoo.

11:35pm = Green Bay mercifully ends the 1st round by taking Mississippi St. OT Derek Sherrod.

With that, we are signing off. Sheen wandered into my basement and passed out on my washing machine, so unfortunately we'll get no closing thoughts from him. Look for more running diarys in the near future. Good night, and drive on.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Overconfident Stanley Cup Conference Semi-Finals Picks

            After watching the exciting end to the Bruins-Canadiens series, I’m ready to prepare my Stanley Cup Playoffs 2nd Round picks. I’m feeling pretty good about myself (at least when it comes to picking NHL playoff series) after correctly choosing six of the eight winners. Furthermore, I nailed the correct distance for three of the Eastern Conference series. The only one I was way off on was the Red Wings-Coyotes series, but you can chalk that up to deep-seeded disdain for Detroit (planted by their vicious playoff battles with the Colorado Avalanche in the mid-90s. I was a front-runner as a child, so I attached myself to the Roy-Sakic-Forsberg group), and Jimmy Howard screwing my fantasy team’s save percentage this past season. Without further ado…

EASTERN CONFERENCE


#1 Washington Capitals vs. #5 Tampa Bay Lightning
            I’d love to pick Tampa Bay in this series. Goalie Dwayne Roloson is roughly 67 years old, but somehow still finds a way to stop the puck. He stoned the Penguins during the final minutes of Game 7. Lastly, take a look at the dude’s picture. If you look up the word goalie in the dictionary, there should be Dwayne Roloson’s face right next to it. However, my love for Roloson does not change the fact that Washington is a superior team that has also had the luxury of extra days off. I’m predicting the Capitals to easily advance to the conference finals.
            PREDICTION = Capitals in 5

#2 Philadelphia Flyers vs. #3 Boston Bruins
            Last year, Boston had a 3-0 series lead over Philly in the conference semi-finals before pulling off an epic choke job. It’s fitting that they get a chance to exercise those demons. Boston should have an easier time scoring going up against whomever Philadelphia throws in net as opposed to Carey Price.
            PREDICTION = Bruins in 6

WESTERN CONFERENCE

#1 Vancouver Canucks vs. #5 Nashville Predators
            Vancouver was supposed to be the favorite going into the playoffs this season, and looked the part after winning the first three games against Chicago. Following three straight losses, a narrow overtime escape in Game 7, and a goalie controversy, and now we are looking at a very shaky club. Throw in an underrated Predators team, and this has all the makings for an upset. Just ask the Anaheim Ducks how hard it is going up against a goalie named Pekka.
            PREDICTION = Predators in 7

#2 San Jose Sharks vs. #3 Detroit Red Wings
            For my money, this is the best of the four conference semi-final series. All the reasons I picked against Detroit during the first round still apply here. Throw in a strong Sharks club that has the look of a team finally ready to succeed in the playoffs, and I’ll sign off on San Jose taking the series (that means all of you should go bet money on Detroit. Right now. They’re a guaranteed winner).
            PREDICTION = Sharks in 7

A Mother and Her Daughter

            Believe it or not, this blog doesn’t pay the bills for me yet. For my day job, I’m a manager at a shoe store. I was working this past Friday evening when a young lady walked in pushing her young daughter on a stroller. At that point, the only thing odd about them was the fact that they weren’t Canadian (we had been flooded with shoppers from north of the border all day). They immediately made their way over to the kid’s section.
            After a couple of minutes, I popped over to them to see if I could offer any assistance. The mother explained that they were looking for “Dora the Explorer” shoes, because Dora was her daughter’s favorite cartoon character. Sometimes when you get parents with young kids in the store past 8pm, they can be a little grouchy, but that wasn’t the case here. The young mother was completely invested in taking care of her child. Her daughter was very well behaved, never once crying or showing any form of discontent. Mom had to keep pulling her pants up because she didn’t have a belt on. I’m guessing remembering that was secondary to making sure she had food, clothes, and other baby items packed with her. Just in the ten minutes I spent helping her out, I could tell that this wasn’t a woman burdened by parenthood. After checking the computer for sizes that we were missing, and then cashing her out, the mother and daughter left the store around 8:30pm.

            I probably have close to 100 interactions like that on a busy day, but those events came back to me in a big way when I saw the front page of my local paper Tuesday morning. I had heard of the “missing mother” story out of North Conway, but had missed the local news on television and hadn’t seen her face. After seeing the paper, I realized that the mother I had assisted late Friday night was Krista Dittmeyer, who has now been missing for over three days. After informing the police of my interaction with her that evening, the officer I spoke with told me that as of now, I was the last person to have contact with her before she disappeared.
            I don’t have any relevant information about where she went. As a matter of fact, I didn’t even learn her name that evening. I felt it was important for the police to know that she wasn’t scared or odd acting at the time I was assisting here. Perhaps it’s important for some of you to know that too. I hope and pray that Krista can be reunited with her daughter.  

            UPDATE - For those of you that haven't heard, authorities announced that Krista's body was found at a pond in North Conway. May she rest in peace.

Monday, April 25, 2011

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (4/22-4/24)

10. Playstation 3 Online Network is Shut-Down
            Sadly, 2.5 million gamers had to actually interact with people face to face this weekend.

9. Rich Rodriguez Admits Leaving West Virginia Was Bad Idea
            In related news…

  1. Brett Favre admits having an unlimited texting plan was a bad idea.
  2. George W. Bush admits becoming the President was a bad idea.
  3. Christian Slater admits that his entire career was a bad idea.
  4. The Wiggles admit that going on without the original Yellow Wiggle was a bad idea.
  5. Led Zeppelin will admit the song “Hot Dog” was a bad idea (if you want audio proof, here you go).

8. Washington Capitals Eliminate Rangers
            After last year’s disappointing ouster by the Canadiens, Washington took care of business against the Rangers. I would also like to point out that I correctly picked the length of this series. I don’t expect a reward for doing this, but I wanted to show some physical evidence that every now and then a blind squirrel would find a nut. 

7. Anibal Sanchez Loses No-Hit Bid in the 9th Inning Friday
            Sanchez is the first to make it into the 9th with a no-hit bid this season, but several starters have already gone very deep into games with no hits allowed. Hell, Josh Johnson has gotten into the 6th inning three times already this season without surrendering a hit. Johnson is a great pitcher (when healthy), but he’s not the second coming of Bob Gibson.
            A few weeks ago I had written about forming a group for Red Sox fans that are against Red Sox Nation, but have come up with a better idea that will benefit all baseball fans. I want to bring steroids back. The main thesis for this movement will be that baseball was much more entertaining when everyone was on the juice. Look for a manifesto for this group to come out within a few weeks.

6. Pacers Win Game 4 Against Bulls
            Indiana has been in every single game in this series, so it was nice to see them pull off a win at home before more than likely losing at Chicago.
              
5. Miami Loses Game 4 to 76ers
            The Heat blew a six-point lead with just over a minute and a half to play in this one. This sort of hiccup won’t keep them from closing out Philadelphia, but similar gags in round 2 against Boston will send them home for the summer in six games or less.

4. Chris Paul’s Triple-Double Helps Hornets Even Series With Lakers           
            No matter what happens the rest of this series, at least we have been given more proof that Chris Paul is the best point guard on planet Earth (that’s right, better than Derrick Rose). Throw in Kobe leaving the arena last night on crutches, and Los Angeles could be in serious trouble. 

3. Grizzlies Take 2-1 Lead Over Spurs
            I’ll keep this short because the two teams are playing as I’m typing this. When you look at the rosters, Memphis beating up on San Antonio isn’t a shock, but to watch San Antonio struggle with the Grizzlies is sort of simple to watching Peyton Manning drag a sub-par Colts team into the playoffs.

2. Brandon Roy Leads Epic Blazers Comeback Over Mavericks
            Portland was down 23 at one point before Roy went bonkers, scoring 18 of his 24 points in the 4th quarter. Not a lot of east coasters realize this, but the failure of Brandon Roy’s knees has been one of the sadder stories in the NBA (probably #3 behind Yao Ming and Greg Oden). Anonymous sources have indicated that Roy may be lucky to play another two years in the league. It was great to see him party like it was 2007 for one quarter.

1. Bruins Win in Double OT, Take 3-2 Series Lead
            If you watched either Games 4 or 5 of the Boston-Montreal series, and were not thoroughly entertained, than you will never enjoy watching hockey. Both Tim Thomas and Carey Price filled Saturday’s double overtime thriller with game saving saves with startling regularity. I’m pulling for the Bruins, but part of me is hoping Montreal wins Game 6 so we get to watch an epic Game 7.  


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

In Fear of KG

            For those who didn’t see the end of Game 2 between Boston and New York, here’s some video of Kevin Garnett getting a steal and calling a timeout to put the game away. KG used approximately 200 expletives in ten seconds (that estimate is probably conservative). Say what you want about him, but the dude cares.
            That got me thinking about what games I would never want to play against Garnett. What would put your health and/or life in the most jeopardy? Here’s my short list (in reverse order).

5. Any Video Game for Wii – Wii games move up to #1 if you had Garnett over your house for Wii Bowling. If he ends up with a 7-10 split, his remote will be flying into your television screen.

4. Darts – KG armed with a hand-powered missile that could stick into your temple is a scary thought.

(QUICK TANGENT ALERT: It’s amazing there aren’t more dart related deaths in this country. Roughly 75% people who play are heavily intoxicated while they are doing it. Just speaking from personal experience, I don’t think I’ve ever played when my blood alcohol level has been below 0.10.  They say not to drink and drive, but I’m surprised there isn’t a “Don’t Drink and Dart” movement alongside it)

3. Dodgeball – I don’t think there’s an explanation needed for this one.

2. Quittage – I’ll grant you that this game only exists in the world of Harry Potter, but imagine it was real. Would you 100-feet up in the air with KG chasing after you on a flying broom? I don’t think so.

1. Poker – The game itself isn’t necessarily dangerous (unless Garnett jams a poker chip down your throat), but the aftermath is what’s scary. If you sucked out on him on the river, you could end up through the table WWE style.

Monday, April 18, 2011

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (4/16-4/18)

10. On-Line Poker Shutdown in United States
            I was bummed out when I first read this headline, but now feel better that I will no longer lose pots to 17-year old kids from Argentina who are hitting miracle flushes on the river. On the other hand, I can’t sit in pajamas and play poker in my living room anymore (unless I had a pajama Texas Hold ‘Em party, but that would be weird). It looks like we are moving closer to a world where the US Government will be regulating on-line poker games.

9. Ducks Forward Bobby Ryan Suspended For Stomping On Opponents Skate
            Ryan claims that he wasn’t intentionally stomping on Predators defenseman Jonathon Blum skate during game 2 of the Ducks-Predators series. I’ll refer you to this video so you can decide for yourself (plus, you get to see Barry Melrose and his mullet, which is always a good time).

8. Jimmie Johnson Wins By .002 Seconds at Talladega
            If you didn’t enjoy the last laps of this race, than you will never enjoy any NASCAR event.

7. Durant Drops 41 to Lead Thunder Over Nuggets
            Russell Westbrook chipped in with 31 to carry Oklahoma City in the best shoot out of the game 1s. I really like how Oklahoma City is looking right now. You have two stud scorers, two big men to control the paint (Kendrick Perkins and Serge Ibaka), a stopper on the wing (Thabo Sefolosha), and a very good 6th man (James Harden). San Antonio or Los Angles will not want to see this team in the 2nd round.

6. Canadiens Take 2-0 Series Lead Over Bruins
            Boston has now lost six straight postseason games dating back to last season. The Bruins look like they are a stud goal scorer short this year. I wouldn’t be surprised if they still pulled this series out, but anyone who thinks of this team as a Stanley Cup favorite is either a real homer or on drugs (or both).

5. Down 10, Bulls Pull Off 4th Quarter Comeback Against Pacers
            My Dad actually watched the end of this game (which could be a sign of the apocalypse, because my Dad watches NBA games approximately once every nine years), and he claims that the Bulls were bailed out by the officials in game 1. In honor of him watching the game, I’ll let that stand as my analysis of this event.

4. Hawks Win Game 1 in Orlando
            When your best player scores 46, and you still lose by 10 points, you have serious issues. I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating that Orlando has done a horrendous job building a team around Dwight Howard. 12-year olds running a franchise on NBA 2K12 could’ve done a better job.

3. Grizzlies Win First Playoff Game in Franchise History Over Spurs
            In my first round preview, I predicted a sweep by the Spurs, but also predicted Memphis to be in every single game. In my mind, that counts for something. If I was a Spurs fan, I would be very worried if Ginobili cannot return at anything less than 100%. 

2. Chris Paul Goes Bonkers, Leads Hornets to Game 1 Upset of Lakers
            On paper, it made a lot of sense that Chris Paul would destroy Derek Fisher in this series. Paul is one of the best three point guards in the league, and Derek Fisher has been washed-up for five years. However, it was very surprising that the Lakers were not able to lock down the rest of the Hornets. Expect a better game plan from the Lakers in Game 2. They won’t shut down Paul, but if they can keep him under 10 assists, they will be fine. Pau Gasol showing up will also help (only 8 points for him on 2-8 shooting).

1. Ray Allen From Downtown…BANG
            Boston was terrible in the first half, but found some life after halftime. I’m predicting a double-digit Celtics win in game 2, which is a lock if Chauncey Billups can’t play after injuring his knee late in game 1.




Thursday, April 14, 2011

Slightly More Informed NBA 1st Round Picks

            I’m not going to spend that much time here because it looks like it will be a mostly chalk first round.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

#1 Chicago Bulls vs. #8 Indiana Pacers
            Indiana can run and gun a little bit, but Chicago’s overwhelming defense will be too much for them. I would be surprised if any of these games were close.
Prediction = Bulls in 4

#2 Miami Heat vs. #7 Philadelphia 76ers
            Some of you may think I’m on drugs, but I expect this to be the most competitive first-round series in the Eastern Conference. Remember back in 2008, when Boston’s Big 3 played its first playoff series against the Atlanta Hawks? Joe Johnson and Josh Smith played out of their minds during the Hawks’ home games, and ended up pushing Boston to seven games. 76ers coach Doug Collins has had his group playing inspired defense since the New Year. Miami obviously has the best three players, but Philadelphia probably has the 4th through 11th best. Look for plenty of drama, and a spike in “What’s wrong with the Heat?” stories on ESPN (because we haven’t been force fed enough of those all year).
Prediction = Heat in 7

#3 Boston Celtics vs. # New York Knicks
            Boston has looked like a drunken college student playing Madden at 2 am ever since the February trade deadline, but the Knicks are the perfect opponent to get them fired up. The Knicks actually believe that they are a very dangerous team, and are dumb enough to talk that up with the media. Garnett and Pierce will not let Boston lose this series.
Prediction = Celtics in 6

#4 Orlando Magic vs. #5 Atlanta Hawks
            Atlanta always chokes in the postseason (with the exception of 2008 against Boston). There undersized front-line will be no match against Dwight Howard.
Prediction = Magic in 4

WESTERN CONFERENCE

#1 San Antonio Spurs vs. #8 Memphis Grizzlies
            I’m predicting a Spurs sweep, but I also am willing to bet Memphis will be in every game. Memphis plays real tough defense, but when you rely on a few crazy dudes (Zack Randolph, O.J. Mayo, Tony Allen), you should expect a few late-game breakdowns.
Prediction = Spurs in 4

#2 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #7 New Orleans Hornets
            It wouldn’t be a surprise if the Lakers win every game by more than 10 points. Along with the Bulls-Pacers, this is the most lop-sided match-up of the first round.
Prediction = Lakers in 4

#3 Dallas Mavericks vs. #6 Portland Trail-Blazers
            The only “upset” I’m willing to bet on (I say upset loosely because on paper, Portland is a better team). Portland’s massive front-line should be able to overwhelm Dallas. Other than Dirk Nowitzki, the Mavericks do no have another player that would crack the starting lineup for Portland. Unless Dirk scores 35 a game, I like Portland to advance to the second round.
Prediction = Blazers in 6

#4 Oklahoma City Thunder vs. #5 Denver Nuggets
            Since trading away Carmelo Anthony, the Nuggets have been a fantastic story. However, they could not have ended up with a worse match up than Oklahoma City. They don’t have anyone that can guard Kevin Durant, and the Perkins-Ibaka duo should be able to control the paint. I’d like to see Denver move on, but it’s not going to happen.
Prediction = Thunder in 5

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Uninformed 1st Round Stanley Cup Playoff Picks

            As I’ve aged, hockey and I have steadily grown apart. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but with the 2004-05 lockout, and the difficulty in finding a game that involved two teams other than the Bruins, it’s been a very hard league to follow the last five years.

When I first moved into my own apartment, I was able to purchase the Time Warner Digital Cable package, and for the first time, was able to watch Versus. This led to a torrid affair between the Stanley Cup Playoffs and myself for the first time since Martin St.Louis led the Lightning to the Cup in 2004 (not a romantic affair, that phrase just means I watched an awful lot of hockey). Versus aired playoff games every night for two months. It felt like getting together with an old girlfriend (you know, the part where you remember all the best parts of her and forget why you broke up with her in the first place?). The outstanding final that year between Pittsburgh and Detroit capped off a fantastic spring. Unfortunately though, hockey faded to the background again when the 2008-09 regular season started and it was again difficult to find games. I've still kept an eye on hockey from a distant, and am now ready to offer to the world my official uninformed Stanley Cup 1st Round Picks.  

                   

EASTERN CONFERENCE


#1 Washington Capitals vs. #8 New York Rangers
            Washington isn’t quite the offensive juggernaut it was in past seasons, but that may actually be a good team. An increased focus on defense has led the Capitals to giving up the fourth fewest goals in the NHL. As long as young goalie Michal Neuvirth is competent, Washington should be able to overpower the Rangers. I’ll be shocked if they go down in the first round as a top seed for a second straight year.
            Prediction = Capitals in 5

#2 Philadelphia Flyers vs. #7 Buffalo Sabres
            Buffalo was fighting for their playoff lives the second half of the season, and rose to the challenge by finishing the year on a 28-11-6 run. All-world goalie Ryan Miller (of 2010 Olympic fame) is more than capable of stoning a superior club for a seven game series. Philadelphia patched together their goaltending situation last year, but I don’t think they’ll be able to pull it off two years in a row.
            Prediction = Sabres in 7

#3 Boston Bruins vs. #6 Montreal Canadiens
            It seems like there is a rule that these two teams need to meet every single year in the NHL Playoffs. Maybe these two franchises are magnetically attracted to each other. As if the series needed any more juice, we are just a month removed from Zdeno Chara’s devastating hit on Max Pacioretty. Boston has looked like a team that is on a mission to avenge their epic choke against the Flyers in last year’s playoffs. Look for Montreal to bring plenty of fight, but the more physical Bruins will wear them down eventually.
            Prediction = Bruins in 7  

#4 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #5 Tampa Bay Lightning
            What Pittsburgh has done in without superstar centers Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin has been remarkable. Marc-Andre Fleury has been outstanding the past two months, but has been all or nothing the past few seasons in the playoffs. Tampa Bay has a huge edge on the offensive end of the ice, but needs to get solid goaltending out of journeyman Dwayne Roloson. He’s done it before back in 2006 when he backstopped the Edmonton Oilers to the Stanley Cup Finals. Look for him to provide steady enough play to get Tampa Bay into the second round.
            Prediction = Lightning in 6

WESTERN CONFERENCE

#1 Vancouver Canucks vs. # Chicago Blackhawks
            Vancouver would probably much rather be playing Los Angeles as opposed to the defending Stanley Cup champions, but this is not the same Blackhawks team that knocked the Canucks out of the playoffs the past two seasons. I expect the Sedin twins and Roberto Luongo to power the Canucks into the second round.
            Prediction = Canucks in 5

#2 San Jose Sharks vs. #7 Los Angeles Kings
            I would’ve been all over the Kings in this series, but the loss of star center Anze Kopitar crushed them. San Jose has struggled in past seasons during the playoffs, but they couldn’t of asked for a better set-up here.
            Prediction = Sharks in 4

#3 Detroit Red Wings vs. #6 Phoenix Coyotes
            Phoenix pushed Detroit to seven games before losing to them in the first round a year ago. Coyotes’ goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov is the key. If he significantly outplays opposing goaltender Jimmy Howard (which isn’t that much of a stretch), Phoenix is capable of stealing this series. Detroit will be in real trouble if they don’t get Henrik Zetterberg back at any point after game 2.
            Prediction = Coyotes in 6

#4 Anaheim Ducks vs. #5 Nashville Predators
            This series is a tough one for me. On one side, you have 50-goal scorer Corey Perry, and Teamu Selanne, who is somewhere between 38 and 64 years old. On the other, you have badass defenseman Shea Weber and the breakout goalie of the year, Pekka Rinne. Most experts that I’ve read are choosing the Ducks, but I’m throwing my weight (what littler there is of it) behind the dude named Pekka and the Nashville Predators.
            Prediction = Predators in 7

Monday, April 11, 2011

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (4/8-4/10)

10. Manny Ramirez Retires to Avoid 100-Game Steroids Suspension
            I plan on writing an obituary for Manny’s career sometime by the end of the week, so I won’t write too much here (for some analysis from an actual expert, read this post by ESPN’s Buster Olney). I will say that it is a sad end for one of my favorite Red Sox players of the ‘00s.

9. Derrick Rose Drops 39 Against Magic
            MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP!

8. New Jersey Devils Coach Jacques Lemaire Retires
            Lemaire and the Devils are sort of like Ronnie and Sammy from “Jersey Shore”. Lemaire first coached the Devils 1993 to 1998. After coaching the Minnesota Wild for the first nine years of their existence, he returned to New Jersey to coach for the 2009-10 season. He tearfully announced his retirement after last season, but was brought back this past December after New Jersey woefully underachieved for the first three months of the season. I don’t know if there is a place where you can wager on this sort of thing, but I’d like to bet that Lemaire is back on the bench for New Jersey at some point (possibly next season, if Ilya Kovalchuk is to be believed).

7. Matt Kenseth Dominates Under the Lights at Texas
            Kenseth had the fastest car all-night, and pretty much stunk up the show. It was good to see the former champion snap his 76-race winless streak.

6. Minnesota Duluth Wins NCAA Men’s Hockey Championship
            You can always count on the Frozen Four for producing at least one school that no one had ever heard of before.

5. Nuggets PG Ty Lawson Hits 10 3-Pointers
            Normally this event wouldn’t stick out to me, but the fact he is on my fiancĂ©e’s fantasy team (the team that I happen to be playing in our fantasy basketball championship) made this occurrence a bit of a bummer. Lawson had never hit more than three shots from three-point range in a single game before his performance Saturday night. 

4. New York Rangers and Chicago Blackhawks Sneak Into Stanley Cup Playoffs
            No offense to the fans of the Stars and Hurricanes, but the Stanley Cup Playoffs are much more interesting if the Rangers and Blackhawks are involved.
            By the way, I’ll be posting my uninformed first round NHL picks Tuesday evening. I’m super excited about it.

3. Heat Blast Celtics
            This isn’t actually awesome for Celtics fans such as myself, but it was a noteworthy event. Either Boston doesn’t care about potentially playing a second round Game 7 in Miami, or this team is truly fractured after the Kendrick Perkins trade.

2. Red Sox Win Two Out of Three Against Yankees
            I’m not sure where Boston found the 2007 edition of Josh Beckett, but it sure was a pleasure to watch him pitch last night. Hopefully ignorant Red Sox fans don’t think the sky is falling anymore.

(EDITORS NOTE: Within the next month, I’ll be writing a Magna Carta-esque document for a new group of Red Sox members. It will be primarily targeted at the pre-2004 Red Sox fan. I’m still trying to work all the kinks out, but there’s a possibility that it will be a separate web page. Stay tuned…)

1. Charl Schwartzel Wins Masters
            The only two rounds of golf I ever make a point to watch are the final rounds of The Masters and the US Open, and Sunday’s final round at Augusta didn’t disappoint. For a very casual fan of golf, this event had everything you wanted. There was Rory McIlroy (who started the day in the lead by four shots), who bombed almost as bad as The Situation did on the Donald Trump Roast (I say almost, because no one will ever bomb as bad as the Sitch did). His final round 80 was the score for the 54-hole leader since 1956. There was a point on the back nine where six golfers were tied for first. Among them was Tiger Woods, who went –5 on the front nine but couldn’t get over the hump after that. There was Jason Day’s significant other, who is somewhere between an 8.5 and a 8.75 on a ten point scale (that’s right, my scale has decimals. Deal with it). Finally, there was South Africa native Charl Schwartzel (wouldn’t of that been a great name for a bad guy in one of the “Die Hard” movies?), who birdied the last four holes to bring home the tacky Green Jacket. Sure we were missing Phil Mickelson, gratuitous violence, and full-frontal female nudity, but what more could you ask for from a golf tournament?  

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Instant Reaction: Celtics @ Bulls (4-7-11)

            I was able to watch the Celtics-Bulls game in its entirety tonight. Here is what I took away from the telecast.

-         If you took “The Walking Dead”, replaced the zombies with aliens, and then dumbed the story down for TNT’s typical viewer, you would end up with “Falling Skies”, TNT’s new soon to be hit drama.
-         Rajon Rondo should channel his inner Pedro Martinez and call Derrick Rose his daddy. Rose dropped 30 points, along with 5 boards and 8 assists, while Rondo struggled (7-5-6 in those categories).
-         Without Shaq, Boston’s bigs can’t hang with Chicago. Joakim Noah and Carlos Boozer are the perfect compliments for each other. Taj Gibson is talented enough to be starting for most NBA teams. Even the much-traveled Kurt Thomas is capable of giving the Bulls quality minutes if needed. This group isn’t as big as what the Lakers can roll out every night, but they aren’t far off skill wise.
-         It was really difficult to tell if Boston actually cared about winning this game. Doc Rivers gave his bench heavy minutes in the second quarter. It doesn’t appear the Celtics care about ending up as either the #2 or #3 seed.
-         If Luol Deng is your team’s second best player, you’re probably destined for a 1st round exit from the playoffs. If Deng is your 4th best player, you can absolutely win a championship. 
-         Everyone knows that Reggie Miller is an awful announcer (and if you don’t, you either never watch the NBA or you are an idiot), but it was really evident tonight when we are able to listen to Marv Albert work with Mike Fratello (aka The Czar).

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Fixing College Basketball

            I was going to type a review of college basketball in general after Monday night’s championship game, but my doctor ordered me to avoid college hoops at all costs after watching Connecticut and Butler look like elementary school kids for 40 minutes. I was an assistant coach for a 5th/6th grade boys team last year, and I can say with confidence that our team never missed as many lay-ups in one game as Butler did.
            Both teams are better than what they showed Monday night, but the game was a fitting end to an uneven season in college basketball. One-and-done players have created a lack of familiarity, as well as a lack of chemistry between clubs. The only thing that generates a great all around season is if there is an outstanding freshmen class (the group that included Kevin Durant and Greg Oden in 2007 comes to mind). How can we fix college basketball so it is not only more consistently watchable, but also generating better pro prospects? Here are a few simple ideas.

  1. Adopt the same rules and regulations as the NBA – Why is it that the three-point line is shorter in college than the pros? How come teams get a 35-second shot clock in college, but only 24 seconds in the pros? Why are there different rules in regards to hand-checking (the NBA’s restrictions on hand-checks make it much easier for guards like Chris Paul and Deron Williams to operate in the NBA than it was for them in college. Does it make any sense that elite point guards would have a tougher road playing on the amateur level than the pros?). The only difference between college and the NBA should be the length of the games.
  2. College coaches need to have their clubs attack the basket – The Elite 8 game between Butler and Florida was a great example of a typical college game plan. Instead of using his superior athletes to drive to the hole, Florida Coach Billy Donavan watched his team settle for five contest three-point jump shots between the final minute of regulation and overtime. There’s way to much dribbling around the three-point line, and not nearly enough driving to the basket.
  3. NBA should not allow players to play in the league until two years after they graduate high school – The NFL has a similar rule in place that prohibits players from playing in their league until three years after graduation. If this rule had been in place before this season, we could’ve gotten to watch a second year of John Wall, DeMarcus Cousins, and Eric Bledsoe on Kentucky. While all three have had varying degrees of success during their rookie seasons, how great would it have been to watch them play for one more year together? Casual fans who normally only watch the NCAA Tournament would’ve immediately recognized them from the previous year. This would also provide the NBA with young prospects that the general public has known for a little while (as opposed to the current NBA draft, where it feels like we’ve watched some of these freshmen play for five minutes). For those that can’t make it in college for two years, they can play in Europe or the NBA-D League.
  4. Players drafted outside of the lottery should be allowed to return to school if they have remaining eligibility, regardless if they had signed an agent or not – Under current rules, as soon as a player signs an agent, he is ineligible to play in the NCAA ever again. Adjusting this rule would give players a chance to return to school if where they ended up in the draft was not as high as they anticipated.

          That’s all I got for now. I had to plead with my doctor just to be able to write these four things (for those of you that didn’t have the misfortune of watching the game, you’ll just have to trust me). These rules won’t prevent a game like Butler-Connecticut from ever happening again, but they would at least guaruantee a stronger regular season year after year.  

Monday, April 4, 2011

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (4/1-4/3)

10. Charlie Sheen Bombs in Detroit
            I’m as big a Charlie fan as there is, but when you start your set by saying the city you are performing in is a great place to talk about crack cocaine, you’re digging a bit of a hole for yourself.

9. Nuggets Defeat Lakers in Los Angeles
            Amazingly, Denver is now 15-4 since making the Carmelo trade after their stunning win on the Lakers’ home-court. Head Coach George Karl is making a late push to be the Coach of the Year.

8. Phillies Score Three in the 9th, Steal Opening Day Win From Astros
            I didn’t watch this live, but did read several hundred angry Tweets from people who have Brandon Lyon on their fantasy team. Good times.

7. My Fiancée Advances to Championship Game in My Fantasy Basketball League
            What is even scarier about this scenario is she is facing me in the championship round.

6. India Wins Cricket World Cup
            Other than the fact that the game is named after an insect, I know nothing about cricket. Apparently though, this tournament was a huge deal to a billion people in India, so that’s pretty cool.

5. Detroit Pistons Retire Dennis Rodman’s Jersey
            Most of you probably remember Rodman as the ace rebounder for the second Bulls three-peat team, but before then he was a member of the Bad Boy Pistons. I may be in the minority here, but I have not gotten nearly enough Dennis Rodman this past decade. For cheap laughs, check out some classic Dennis Rodman moments listed below this paragraph.







(EDITORS NOTE: I spent about an hour and a half looking at old Rodman clips when looking for links. He couldn’t shoot to save his life, and he may have been insane, but you can’t argue about how much The Worm loved the game)

4. Harvick Passes Dale Jr. to Win at Martinsville
            This race took an eternity to finish (mostly due to Martin Truex making a bold attempt to knock the turn three wall down. Fast forward to around the 1:10 mark of this video to see his crash with Kasey Kahne), but for those who caught the finish it was worth it. While Dale Earnhardt Jr. winning would’ve been the best result for NASCAR, him being in contention to win should be enough to boost fan interest going forward. Don’t be surprised if Junior pulls into victory lane after one of the next three races (Texas, Talladega, Richmond). Those are all tracks he has won at before.

3. Butler Makes 2nd Straight National Championship Game
            Whether Butler defeats Connecticut tonight or not, the fact that a mid-major made the championship game as a 5th seed and then an 8th seed is remarkable.

2. Notre Dame Eliminates Lady Huskies
            With this loss, the citizens of Connecticut are spared of Geno Auriemma’s ego growing even larger than it already was. For greater insight into the Connecticut sports culture, check out a podcast that Bill Simmons did with his friend JackO (click on the podcast called New England Sports, which is currently the second most recent podcast on the page). 

1. Connecticut Survives Against Kentucky
            The Huskies looked like they were going to run away with it, but at least Kentucky made a game of it in the second half.

            Sorry to keep the #1 and #3 posts extra short this week. Look for an extended analysis of the National Championship Game, as well as the state of college basketball, to drop Tuesday or Wednesday.

Friday, April 1, 2011

NFL Lockout Ends

     Against all odds, the NFL lockout has come to an end. Roger Goodell and NFLPA leader Demaurice Smith stood side by side today to make the announcement. Here are the twenty key points that got the deal done.

  1. League agrees to meet in the middle on splitting of overall revenue. Furthermore, league will adopt union’s proposal of a $161 million salary cap for next season.

  1. A new rookie wage scale. Money saved will be allocated to veterans and player health benefits.

  1. Up to $1 million guaranteed the year following a player suffers a serious injury.

  1. Reduction of all off-season activities, as well as limits on number of full-contact practices.

  1. Brett Favre will be banned from ever playing in the NFL again (“This is a win-win for all parties involved,” says Goodell).

  1. 2011 and 2012 seasons will be 16 games long. Both players and owners must agree upon any future move to 18 games.

  1.  Owners will fund $82 million benefit fund for former players.

  1. Current players will have opportunity to stay on league healthcare plan for life.

  1. $5 million reward for defensive player that is able to convince Tiki Barber he should’ve thought twice about returning to the NFL.

  1. Jaguars will be forced to relocate by the start of the 2014 season (“Have you ever tried to find some ass in downtown Jacksonville on a Saturday night?” asks an anonymous player, “It’s a scary situation.”).

  1. Any appeals of drug or steroid related suspensions will be handled by third-party arbitration.

  1. Improvements in the Mackey Plan (designed to assist players suffering from dementia and other brain-related issues), disability plan, and a college degree bonus program.

  1. Teams will each be forced to roster five ex-convicts on their team (“We need more Lawrence Taylors,” says Smith).

  1. Larry Fitzgerald and Steve Smith will be placed on teams that actually have NFL-caliber quarterbacks.

  1. Current players will be banned from participating in “Dancing With the Stars” in order to keep jobs open for retired hall of famers.

  1. All 32 clubs must use at least 90% of salary cap over course of three seasons.

  1. NFL will enact the “Travis Henry Bonus”, which gives a player an extra $100,000 for each woman he impregnates.

  1. Fantasy Football will be replaced by a game where you wager on which of two monkeys will fling poop at the other first.

  1. “Welcome to the Jungle” and “Crazy Train” will be retired from ever being played during a game again (what does it say for the state of music when the two go-to songs to play during games are from the 1980s? I love me some Guns ‘n Roses and Ozzy, but it’s time we find something else).

  1. Tom Brady will be forced to cut his hair or retire.