Against all odds, the NFL lockout has come to an end. Roger Goodell and NFLPA leader Demaurice Smith stood side by side today to make the announcement. Here are the twenty key points that got the deal done.
- League agrees to meet in the middle on splitting of overall revenue. Furthermore, league will adopt union’s proposal of a $161 million salary cap for next season.
- A new rookie wage scale. Money saved will be allocated to veterans and player health benefits.
- Up to $1 million guaranteed the year following a player suffers a serious injury.
- Reduction of all off-season activities, as well as limits on number of full-contact practices.
- Brett Favre will be banned from ever playing in the NFL again (“This is a win-win for all parties involved,” says Goodell).
- 2011 and 2012 seasons will be 16 games long. Both players and owners must agree upon any future move to 18 games.
- Owners will fund $82 million benefit fund for former players.
- Current players will have opportunity to stay on league healthcare plan for life.
- $5 million reward for defensive player that is able to convince Tiki Barber he should’ve thought twice about returning to the NFL.
- Jaguars will be forced to relocate by the start of the 2014 season (“Have you ever tried to find some ass in downtown Jacksonville on a Saturday night?” asks an anonymous player, “It’s a scary situation.”).
- Any appeals of drug or steroid related suspensions will be handled by third-party arbitration.
- Improvements in the Mackey Plan (designed to assist players suffering from dementia and other brain-related issues), disability plan, and a college degree bonus program.
- Teams will each be forced to roster five ex-convicts on their team (“We need more Lawrence Taylors,” says Smith).
- Larry Fitzgerald and Steve Smith will be placed on teams that actually have NFL-caliber quarterbacks.
- Current players will be banned from participating in “Dancing With the Stars” in order to keep jobs open for retired hall of famers.
- All 32 clubs must use at least 90% of salary cap over course of three seasons.
- NFL will enact the “Travis Henry Bonus”, which gives a player an extra $100,000 for each woman he impregnates.
- Fantasy Football will be replaced by a game where you wager on which of two monkeys will fling poop at the other first.
- “Welcome to the Jungle” and “Crazy Train” will be retired from ever being played during a game again (what does it say for the state of music when the two go-to songs to play during games are from the 1980s? I love me some Guns ‘n Roses and Ozzy, but it’s time we find something else).
- Tom Brady will be forced to cut his hair or retire.
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