10. Marvin Marvin
“Marvin
Marvin” has turned into appointment, popcorn eating television at my house.
Further proof that weird shit happens when you have kids.
9. Arthur
Arthur
was always a boring character in books 20 years ago, and nothing has changed on
television now.
8. The Fresh Beat Band (last rank = 1)
Fortunately
these little fuckers have stayed off of my television for the past couple of
months, but they have caused enough residual mental scarring to earn an
honorable mention.
7. The Bernstein Bears
Jeff Ross
once told a story on the BS Report of how Dave Chappelle talked him out of
retiring from celebrity roasts. Chappelle told Ross to “stay in his lane” and
continue doing what he does best. The Bernstein Bears should’ve stayed in the
print medium and avoided being adapted for television all together. Slight
props are deserved for being the only kid’s show I’m aware of to fully embrace
country music.
6. Blues Clues, the Joe Era
Joe
made “Blues Clues” shittier than Sammy Hagar made Van Halen.5. Barney (last rank = 9)
The following video is one of the five most disturbing things I’ve ever seen.
4. Doc McStuffins (last rank = 4)
With
her incredible ability to state the absolute most obvious things with the most
obnoxious words possible, Doc McStuffins has the chance to be the next Troy
Aikman. She just needs to say “you’re absolutely right Joe” a few times to
cement her destiny.
3. The Chicka Show
Sort
of like when Michael Richards was given his own show after “Seinfeld” ended
it’s run, “The Chika Show” is a sad case of what happens when a lovable
character gets over exposed. It would be slightly more watchable if Kelly
stopped snorting copious amounts of cocaine before they filmed the episodes.
2. Caillou (last rank = 3)
Caillou
made a furious run at number one on this list with a slew of shitty Christmas
specials that aired on Sprout, but alas was outshined by another Canadian
import.
1. Max and Ruby
This show chronicles the adventures of two young, overweight bunnies as they attempt to survive without parents. Sounds fun on paper, but it all goes to hell when the show starts. In each eight-minute segment, Max always speaks in one-word sentences (he’s supposed to be three, I think it’s time to check him for a learning disability) while Ruby tries to make him do something stupid. Inevitably, whatever Max wants to do ends up benefiting Ruby in the end.
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