Angels of Satan - Bad Kids TV Show Rankings 2

            Here’s our second top-ten list of No Credentials least favorite children’s television programs. If you missed the first edition back in November, click here.

10. Marvin Marvin

            “Marvin Marvin” has turned into appointment, popcorn eating television at my house. Further proof that weird shit happens when you have kids.

9. Arthur

            Arthur was always a boring character in books 20 years ago, and nothing has changed on television now.

8. The Fresh Beat Band (last rank = 1)

            Fortunately these little fuckers have stayed off of my television for the past couple of months, but they have caused enough residual mental scarring to earn an honorable mention.

7. The Bernstein Bears

            Jeff Ross once told a story on the BS Report of how Dave Chappelle talked him out of retiring from celebrity roasts. Chappelle told Ross to “stay in his lane” and continue doing what he does best. The Bernstein Bears should’ve stayed in the print medium and avoided being adapted for television all together. Slight props are deserved for being the only kid’s show I’m aware of to fully embrace country music.

6. Blues Clues, the Joe Era

            Joe made “Blues Clues” shittier than Sammy Hagar made Van Halen.

5. Barney (last rank = 9)
            The following video is one of the five most disturbing things I’ve ever seen.

4. Doc McStuffins (last rank = 4)

            With her incredible ability to state the absolute most obvious things with the most obnoxious words possible, Doc McStuffins has the chance to be the next Troy Aikman. She just needs to say “you’re absolutely right Joe” a few times to cement her destiny.

3. The Chicka Show

            Sort of like when Michael Richards was given his own show after “Seinfeld” ended it’s run, “The Chika Show” is a sad case of what happens when a lovable character gets over exposed. It would be slightly more watchable if Kelly stopped snorting copious amounts of cocaine before they filmed the episodes.

2. Caillou (last rank = 3)

            Caillou made a furious run at number one on this list with a slew of shitty Christmas specials that aired on Sprout, but alas was outshined by another Canadian import.

1. Max and Ruby

 

 
            This show chronicles the adventures of two young, overweight bunnies as they attempt to survive without parents. Sounds fun on paper, but it all goes to hell when the show starts. In each eight-minute segment, Max always speaks in one-word sentences (he’s supposed to be three, I think it’s time to check him for a learning disability) while Ruby tries to make him do something stupid. Inevitably, whatever Max wants to do ends up benefiting Ruby in the end.

Agents of Satan - Bad Kids TV Show Rankings

            The following list is my ten least favorite children’s television programs (ranked in reverse order).

10. Angelina Ballerina

            Whenever this show accidentally airs on my television, my start starts yelling, “No, no, NO!!!!” Angelina Ballerina would be number one if he could type this list.

9. Barney

 

            More of a lifetime achievement award, as we never watch Barney. He did enough damage in the early-90s to secure a spot in the inaugural poll.

8. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

            I don’t mean to dog on the face of Disney, but there’s more action at Pancake Social Night at an Amish village than there is on this show.

7. Special Agent Oso

            On paper, Special Agent Oso has a lot going for it. James Earl Jones is involved, and…well, James Earl Jones is actually the only thing this show has going for it on paper. In the end, it’s a show about a stupid bear with a stupid catchphrase.

6. Abby’s Flying Fairy School

            Abby is the Yoko Ono of Sesame Street.

5. Jake and the Neverland Pirates

            The title of this show would be much more accurate if it was called “Obnoxious Little Asshole Pirates”. I feel like I’ve covered the basic plot of a typical episode in this space before, but for those who missed it, here you go.

1. Captain Hook steals a soccerball/football/basketball/treasure/parrott/pirate ship from the Neverland Pirates.
2. The Neverland Pirates get their soccerball/football/basketball/treasure/parrott/pirate ship back.
3. To get away from Captain Hook they use Pixie Dust, which even though it is only supposed to be used in emergencies, is used in every show.

          Jake and the Neverland Pirates would be a total loss if it weren’t for these two guys, who always deliver the goods at the end of every episode. 

 

4. Doc McStuffins

            I’m not sure who green-lighted a show about a girl who repairs broken toys, but they should not be employed by Disney anymore.

3. Caillou

            Little known fact…the stories of Caillou are actually taken from the real-life childhood experiences of this man…

 

            That’s right, it’s based on NHL broadcaster Pierre McGuire, aka “The Bald Asshole”. We’re not sure how his lovely childhood (which includes him never being blamed for anything, always getting what he wants, including leaping into his elderly grandparents’ arms despite the fact that they may or may not have osteoporosis) led to him becoming the angriest sports announcer on television (sorry Skip Bayless), but perhaps their will be an episode where Caillou gets picked on for having a weak wrist shot.

2. Noodle and Doodle

            Who wants to watch a show where a dolt with Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder version) hair and a crappy puppet cook shitty snacks and then make awful crafts? Sadly, my son. My only satisfaction with each 15 minutes of horrendous television is the opening theme song, which starts with a long mumble, and ends with a roar.   

1. The Fresh Beat Band

     

            These assholes are the reason this list is called “Agents of Satan.” Each episode they try to top the previous one with cheesier dialogue (even by kid’s show standards) and annoying songs. The band is made up of the following four members.

Kiki – The lead female singer who struggles to speak English when she isn’t singing.

Shout – The lead male singer who thinks he’s on Broadway.
Marina – Originally a red head who couldn’t dance who was then replaced by a brunette who can’t sing.
Shout – The failed rapper who they let free style one verse every three episodes.

             Here’s all the blog related things I can blame The Fresh Beat Band for thanks to the brain cells they have destroyed.

-         Every NFL pick I’ve gotten wrong.

-         Predicting Tony Stewart to finish eleventh in last year’s Chase (I’ll toot my own horn and say I’m redeeming myself with my Jimmie Johnson prediction, not that I was leaning out on a limb or anything)

-         Picking the Eagles to win the NFC East (not my fault their whole offensive line went down. Note to Eagles critics, it’s not Michael Vick’s fault either)

-         Signing off on Zach Greinke as my favorite fantasy baseball pitcher last spring.

-         Not writing a fake news story since last May.

 
            So there you have it. I might do this poll once a month, or never again, so if you enjoyed it you might want to add this page to your favorites.