I’m having the hardest time coming up with songs for my new album. What should I write about? – Taylor S., Nashville, TN
I’ll give you a dollar to write about anything other than being a huge nerd in high school. Seriously Taylor, I get it. As a matter of fact, I was in the same club (minus the raw talent to become a huge country/pop star). I don’t need to hear you sing “she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts”, or that song about being 15. I’ll grant you that you’re a genius for catering all of your songs to teenage girls (somewhere, the guys from “Backstreet Boys” are saying, “DAMN YOU SWIFT! “), but I’m just asking for a little variety.
(SHORT RANT ALERT: When I first heard “Fifteen”, my first thought was to stab my eardrums with an ice pick. After giving it more thought, you have to tip your cap to Swift on this one and say it’s bloody brilliant. What teenage girl isn’t going to identify with that song? No wonder she’s sold 9 billion albums the past five years)
Has any baseball player ever had a better sense for “the moment” than Derek Jeter? Zack T., Riverhead, NY
There have been others that in brief time periods have been money when it mattered most (David Ortiz in 2004 is a great example), but Jeter has made a career of coming up huge when it matters most. Check out this list that MLB Network ran in April showing Jeter’s top 9 moments (none of which includes his 5-5 performance on the day he reached 3,000 hits).
How am I supposed to do a fantasy football mock draft when free agency hasn’t even started yet? – Theresa, Spokane, WA
I’ve never been a strong supporter of doing mock football drafts in July (I prefer to wait for a couple of key players to tear their ACL in meaningless preseason games before I start planning my drafts), but if you have the itch, you should be safe to mock away. Of all the free agents, runningback DeAngelo Williams looks like the only player that could potentially be a late-1st, early-2nd round pick depending on where he lands (dream landing spot for him = New England. Will never happen though). Depending on what the free agency rules are, Santonio Holmes and Sidney Rice could also be viable 2nd or 3rd wideouts picked between the 5th or 6th round. Other than those three guys, free agency will not have a huge impact on the fantasy season.
Can you please stop writing 18,000 word columns about old NASCAR drivers? – Roughly 600 of you, assorted locations around the globe
Sorry for waxing poetic about the glory days of NASCAR. My best comparison for how I feel about NASCAR would be to relate it to my thoughts about Aerosmith. I love old heroin infused Aerosmith from the ‘70s. “Toys in the Attics” and “Rocks” are two of the greatest albums of that era. However, I can’t stand anything about the band from “Permanent Vacation” on (although I will admit that I was known to blast “Angel” a time or two when I had a longer commute home, but no one needs to know about that). Listen to “Nobody’s Fault” (off of Rocks), and then listen to “Love in an Elevator”. Sounds like two completely different bands.
NASCAR has the same feel to me. You could say that the ‘90s were the “Toys in the Attic” years. 2004 (with the onset of the sport being sponsored by a cell phone company, and the beginning of The Chase) was quite clearly “Permanent Vacation”. I had a blast going through all of the old clips. Writing about Davey Allison was especially enjoyable for me. I hope a couple of you enjoyed it also.
Denis Leary makes references to the “cockles” of ones heart in his song "Asshole”. #1, what's a cockle? #2, do we need it? Or is it baggage like tonsils, the gall bladder, and foreskins? – Ryan B., Kearsarge, NH
My favorite question of the mailbag so far, because if nothing else, it allows me to post this video.
I actually did a little research on this (by research, I mean that I typed “what are cockles” into Google and then read the first three related pages that were listed), and discovered some interesting information. Apparently, there is a group of saltwater clams that are called cockles. Their physical structure resembles the stucture of the human heart, which led to 19th century doctors referring to the chambers of the heart as cockles. Nowadays, some super-spiritual people will refer to a cockle as the “emotional” part of your heart (in otherwords, the part that makes your heart beat faster when you’re excited or nervous), which has led to the phrase “warms the cockles of the heart”. I think it’s safe to say that anyone that read this entire paragraph learned something today.
If you’re Brett Favre, shouldn’t you comeback to play one more year? Think about it, the guy rolled into training camp around August 15th the last three years. This year everyone will be getting to camp at that time. It would be a level playing field for him. – Floyd, Fayetteville, AK
I’m sure it makes him think about it a little bit, but the physical beating he absorbed last year should be enough to finally keep him away from the NFL.
Saw your column about “Battle: LA” the other night. What are the five worst movies you have ever seen? – Katie, Rutland, VT
I’m not a huge movie buff, so I haven’t gone out of my way to see some of the most infamous movie flops of all time (for example, you won’t see “Gigli” or “Green Lantern” on this list), but in no particular order here are the five that would make my personal cut.
(EDITORS NOTE: You’ll notice that these are all action movies. There’s one main reason for this…I didn’t date much in high school, therefore I missed out on plenty of early ‘00s chick flicks)
- “Alexander” – This Oliver Stone/Colin Farrell crap-fest is by far the worst movie I’ve ever seen in theater. Every time it seemed like it was going to end, the movie would drag on for another 35 minutes. This movie grossed $34 million in the United States, while it cost $155 million to produce.
- “Batman and Robin” – Part of the reason Christopher Nolan’s reboot of the Batman franchise has been so well received is because the bar was set so low in George Clooney’s one appearance as the Dark Knight. This movie was another prime example that no matter how many stars you have you need a solid script.
- “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” – Three words…Jar Jar F***ing Binks.
- “Driven” – Want to know why Sly was froze out of Hollywood for years? Check out this two-hour massacre that makes “Days of Thunder” look like 1990’s answer to “Casablanca”.
- “Showgirls” – On paper, this movie should’ve worked, but unfortunately the stain of this flop forced the United States government to deport Elizabeth Berkley to Siberia (well not really, but she has never been hired as the lead actress for anything other than a Lifetime movie since).
What is the ceiling and floor for Terrell Pryor? – Mark, Akron, OH
I’ll give some obscure references, and won’t explain them, thus forcing you to look up his potential ceiling and floor on Wikipedia.
Ceiling = Quincy Carter
Floor = Spurgen WynnIs there a point to an All-Star Game if no All-Stars show up? – Lauren, Tacoma, WA
Sadly for MLB, the All-Star Game determines home-field advantage for the World Series. In every other sport, it’s an inconsequential exhibition (which is exactly why guys like Derek Jeter list “exhaustion” as a reason not to attend). In all seriousness though, players should skip the All-Star Game if there is any sort of ailment that could be aggravated. It’s not anyone’s fault that the people running MLB are dolts and decide home-field advantage in their championship series by the result of an exhibition.
NHL free agency has been insane. Which moves have gotten your attention so far? – Jean-Luc, Sherbrooke, NB
Philadelphia shipping out their top-2 centers, and then signing All-Star goalie Ilya Bryzgalov stands out as the boldest move so far. Brad Richards signing with the Rangers wins the award for most predictable move of the off-season. San Jose swapping Dany Heatley for Martin Havlat ranks as the oddest trade (although it makes more sense when you look at the financial side of it). However, the hands down winner for best signing goes to the Washington Capitals. Washington was able to ink former Panthers goalie Tomas Vokoun to a one-year deal at a discount rate of $1.5 million. Vokoun is used to seeing at least 30 shots every game, so he should mesh well supporting Washington’s high-flying offense. This will be the best team the Czech goalie has ever played for. If he’s up to the task, pencil in the Capitals as Eastern Conference Champions next season.
How much would you pay to watch Pacquiao-Mayweather? – Ethan H., Centerville, PA
I don’t think I’d pay anything, but if it were convenient to do so, I would go to a bar and watch it.
I’m so bummed out by the NFL and NBA Lockouts. Please give me reasons to be happy about these events. – Bill, Fort Worth, TX
We should have labor peace in the NFL within 10 days, so things are looking good on that front. NFL owners and players were arguing over how to split billions of dollars, so it was only a matter of time before the two sides got together.
The NBA outlook appears to be bleaker, but even in a doomsday scenario (which would be the entire 2011-12 season being cancelled) there is still a bright side. Whenever a deal is done, there will be rules in place that will give a small market team a better chance to hang on to a player like Lebron James. You should expect a hard salary cap (which has created all of the parity we see in football and hockey). A cancelled season would be terrible, but at least the league would be healthier coming out of it. 
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