The following questions may or may not be real e-mails from real or fake people from this universe or a parallel universe.
So I threw out a trailor for “The Dark Knight Rises”, and only included four quick scenes from the new movie, and filled half of it with clips from the first two films. Somehow, this still created buzz. Can I have my “greatest movie-maker alive” plaque shipped to my house next week? – Christopher N., Highgate, London, UK
Not yet. You lucked out with Heath Ledger overdosing before “The Dark Knight” came out (not saying this to make light of Ledger’s death, it’s just a fact people). I will give you props for delivering a quality movie that cashed in on the hype, but for now the best comparison I have for you is former New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre. Torre took over the Yankees in 1996, which was a year after Buck Showalter led the Yanks to their first playoff berth in 14 years. Torre was handed the keys to one of the best teams ever assembled, and went on to win four championships in five years. Was Torre the best manager at that time? Probably not, but he benefited from exceptional timing. I’ll argue that Nolan has done the same thing.
(RANT ALERT: Showalter getting fired is even weirder when you consider that the Yankees had the best record in the American League before the strike ended the 1994 season. If the strike never happened, Showalter could’ve led the Yankees to five titles in seven years, assumming that George Steinbrenner would’ve given him a one year mulligan in ’95. No manager in MLB history had worse luck than Showalter)
It hasn’t been talked about in awhile, but The Rapture was moved back until October. Is the Pittsburgh Pirates leading the NL Central in July the best sign that is going to happen? – Charlotte, Pocono, PA
That coupled with ESPN’s orgasmic reaction to the owners approving a new CBA are the two most prominent signs I’ve seen this summer that The Rapture is still on.
If you’re a present day NBA player, aren’t you offended that NBA 2K12 is having Jordan, Bird, and Magic on the cover? – Ricky, Rochester, NH
Here’s the list of players my fiancee came up with in five minutes that are video game cover-worthy.
1. Dirk Nowitzki
2. Lebron James
3. Derrick Rose
4. Dwyane Wade
5. Paul Pierce
6. Rajon Rondo
7. Ray Allen
8. John Wall
9. Blake Griffin
10. Kevin Durant
11. Kobe Bryant
12. Steve Nash
13. Marcin Gortat (just kidding!)
14. Joakim Noah
15. Amar’e Stoudamire
16. Carmelo Anthony
17. Pau Gasol
18. Deron Williams
19. Chris Paul
20. DeMar DeRozan (another joke, but he’s her favorite under the radar player)
21. Manu Ginobili
She realized she missed Dwight Howard after the fact, but otherwise that was a pretty solid list. With that said, this year is as good as any for the 2K Sports folks to embrace the legends of the game. The lockout is going to wipe out at least three months of the season, so it’s a good idea to distance the game a little bit from the current crop of players.
Will Yao Ming be remembered as a success or a failure? – Joe, Round Rock, TX
I’m not one that will label a player who was limited by injury a failure (I prefer to categorize a player as a “woulda-shoulda-coulda”. Not very proffesional sounding, but then again, I’m not very proffesional), but Yao’s international impact is enough for him to be considered a success. He literally brought the NBA to China. Maybe Yao didn’t realize his full potential, but I have a feeling we’ll see a few Chinese players who were inspired by him that will make an impact within the next 10 years
I’m getting a little concerned about the polls. I need three ideas to improve my candidacy for ’12. – Barack O., Washington, D.C.
No problem Mr. President. Without further ado…
1. Install Chuck Norris as Secretary of Defense – I don’t even feel like I need to explain the awesomeness of this idea.
2. Use your executive power to reverse the decision in the Casey Anthony case. You’ll secure 85% of the female vote that way.
3. Wait for all the college folks that voted for you to give a crap about politics in 2012. Most kids could care less about mid-term senate races, but they’ll show up for the presidential race.
When you're caught between a rock and a hard place, is the rock not hard? – Megan L., Madison, NH
Think of the phrase this way. Harrison Ford is old, but Betty White is older. So to put it in terms of an analogy, Harrison Ford is to a rock as Betty White is to a hard place. Rocks are a combo of different minerals, so here are a few substances that would be harder than your typical rock.
A. Diamond
B. Titanium Diboride
C. Stishovite
Give me the best back-handed compliment you’ve ever heard in person. – Trevor, Anchorage, AK
I’m going to rename the people involved just incase one of them happens to read this column, but here goes…One Saturday night a few years ago I was hanging out with my friend “Dave”. Another old high-school buddy (we’ll call him “Cliff”) came over to my apartment with his fiancee “Christina”, who until that evening we had never met. After going to a couple of bars and having an after party at my place, Cliff and Christina left. Either that night or the following morning, Dave had this to say about Christina:
“You know, Christina was pretty cool for a girl that is engaged to Cliff.”
If any of you have heard something better, feel free to e-mail me your backhanded compliment or post it in the comments section of this page.
5-years, $37.5 million for Steven Stamkos. Isn’t that a steal? – Lisa, Niagra Falls, NY
It appears to be, but remember that Stamkos is only 21 years old. He’ll be an unrestricted free agent at 26, which should be right in the beginning of his prime. It was good faith on both sides as far as limiting the dollar amount and years of the contract.
What’s the best thing to compare the NBA’s grand unveiling of the 2011-12 schedule to? – Ty, Brockton, MA
Other than giving Shaq the oppurtunity hydrolics to bash Chris Bosh, a big waste of time.
Let's assume that we landed on the moon. I said “assume”. And let's assume that we actually killed Osama. Again I am just assuming here. And lets take into consideration the we can chuck a pumpkin through a massive tube great distances while still maintaining it's sphere appearance and brilliant color. At what point do you think I will be able to maintain cellular service wherever my GPS guides me? After all, cell phones were available when we supposedly landed on the moon, and for the gentleman that were hunting (I didn't say killing) Osama . I can't imagine that they would have lost cell service. Now you'll notice I didn't mention the pumpkin chucker's. Primarily because those guys only give a damn about manure, pumpkin seeds, hydrolics and velocity. Because Lord knows cell phones DON'T work in that part of the world. So, to summarize, what did the moon walkers and the spooks potentially have that I don't? This is Legion6T standing by. – Ryan B., Kearsarge, NH
Believe it or not, there’s actually a simple answer to this long-winded question…the answer is that the astronauts and the Seals had access to more expensive technology. I’m positive that wireless companies have the capability of producing mobile devices that would have service anywhere on Earth, but the cost to produce them is so high that it is impractical to sell on the open market. You’re average American isn’t doing important things like gunning down terrorists.
That concludes another riveting edition of the No Credentials Mailbag. Do you have a question you would like to see researched and answered? Send it to me at c_muir@hotmail.com, and I promise to at least spend a minimum of three minutes reading about it on Wikipedia. Until next time…
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