Brad Childress - "Fire Me Already!"

Minneapolis (AP) – Minnesota Vikings Head Coach Brad Childress has actively been trying to get fired since after the 2006 season, according to a confidant of Childress. The confidant (who wishes to remain anonymous) says that Childress realized he was in over his head shortly after his first season with the Vikings, and has been trying to get out ever since.

            “Brad had never had head coaching job before joining the Vikings,” says the confidant, “He’s not a fan of keeping track of the clock, deciding if they should go for it on 4^th down, managing timeouts. It’s just not his thing.”

            Childress sent an e-mail to his confidant Thursday afternoon. In it, he ranted about all the things he should have been fired for.

            “I billed Tavaris Jackson as the next Donovan McNabb, and played him for 2 seasons when it was already painfully obvious that he wasn’t competent,” Childress wrote, “Then I publicly feuded with Brett Favre, a guy that I picked up from the airport myself when he arrived in Minneapolis. And how many more times do I have to run Adrian Peterson into a 10 person wall on 4^th and 1 before someone realizes I’m an idiot?”

            His survival of the Randy Moss debacle has Childress truly perplexed. “We go out and trade a 3^rd round pick for a guy to help our football team. 3^rd round picks are kind of valuable, you know? They don’t just grow on trees. So we give up a 3^rd round pick, and then I go ahead and cut the guy 4 games later, without ownership’s knowledge of that decision. Isn’t this the dumbest thing that’s ever happened in the history of the NFL? If you told me that a guy paid a 3^rd round draft pick for a 4-week rental, I would tell you that that guy has to go.”

            Another source within the Vikings organization passed along a list found on Childress’ desk. The list was titled, “Things That Should Get Me Fired, But Probably Won’t Because I Haven’t Been Fired Yet”. The list included the following items.

-         Run the option on every single play for an entire game. After it fails miserably, blame Brett Favre for not picking the right hole to run to on his broken ankle.

-         Inject Adrian Peterson with horse tranquilizers. If those could down Keith Moon, they can take down anyone.

-         Ask Brett Favre for Jenn Sterger’s phone number.

-         Lobby owner Zygi Wilf to trade a 2^nd round pick to the Titans for Randy Moss.

-         As motivation before a game, play episodes of the children’s cartoon “Little Bear” in the locker room.

-         At a press conference, explain to the media why Brett Favre is the reason the terrorists hate us.

Only time will tell how much longer Childress will hang on to his job. What is certain is that the drama in Minnesota will go on for the rest of the season.