10 Awesome Things That Happened This Weekend (5/10-5/12)

10. Grizzlies Grind Out Game 3 Win Over Thunder
9. Knicks Can’t Shoot in Indiana
            ESPN and ABC should’ve billed this doubleheader on Saturday as “games so atrocious you’ll almost wish you were watching college basketball”. New York needs to ditch iso-ball in order to turn their series around, while there is a little too much Reggie Jackson involved (which wasn’t a bad thing for the Athletics and Yankees during the 1970s) for Oklahoma City to have a prayer of advancing past Memphis.

8. Brooks Orpik Grips and Rips the Penguins Into Round 2

            Orpik picked a great time to net his first goal of 2013.

7. Jon Lester One-Hits the Blue Jays.
6. Shelby Miller One Hits the Rockies
5. Adam Wainwright Carries No Hitter Into the 8^th
            Here are three more reasons why MLB hitters need to get back on the juice. Honorable mention goes out to Chris Sale, who tossed a one-hitter Sunday night after this post was written. Just for grins and giggles, every time we post about multiple no-hit bids in a single weekend, I’ll list some home run totals from the steroids era (you know, when baseball was tons of fun). Here’s everyone that hit 30+ dingers in 1996.

1: Mark McGwire (52)
2: Brady Anderson (50)
3: Ken Griffey (49)
4: Albert Belle (48)
5: Juan Gonzalez (47)
6: Andres Galarraga (47)
7: Mo Vaughn (44)
8: Jay Buhner (44)
9: Barry Bonds (42)
10: Gary Sheffield (42)
11: Todd Hundley (41)
12: Greg Vaughn (41)
13: Ellis Burks (40)
14: Ken Caminiti (40)
15: Vinny Castilla (40)
16: Frank Thomas (40)
17: Sammy Sosa (40)
18: Cecil Fielder (39)
19: Rafael Palmeiro (39)
20: Jim Thome (38)
21: Dean Palmer (38)
22: Alex Rodriguez (36)
23: Geronimo Berroa (36)
24: Mike Piazza (36)
25: Henry Rodriguez (36)
26: Ed Sprague (36)
27: Terry Steinbach (35)
28: Robin Ventura (34)
29: Eric Karros (34)
30: Ryan Klesko (34)
31: John Jaha (34)
32: Barry Larkin (33)
33: Manny Ramirez (33)
34: Dante Bichette (31)
35: Jeff Bagwell (31)
36: Joe Carter (30)
37: Steve Finley (30)
38: Benito Santiago (30)
39: Jeff King (30)
40: Chipper Jones (30)
41: Bernard Gilkey (30)
42: Ron Gant (30)
43: Tim Salmon (30)
 

4. Kyle Busch’s Car Gets Tight, Matt Kenseth Steals a Darlington Victory

            Kenseth hasn’t won at a rate like this since the year before his championship-winning season in 2003.

3. Tiger Woods Shows Sergio Garcia Who’s Boss, Wins Players Championship
            Was there any doubt that Sergio would choke on the 17^th hole?

2. Maple Leafs Come Back From 3-1 Series Deficit, Defeat Bruins

            Boston looks like they could use the benefit of a reverse jinx right now.

1. Down Late, Golden State Rallies to Even Series Against San Antonio

            Win or lose, there isn’t a more entertaining team in all of sports right now than the Golden State Warriors.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Weekend (3/8-3/10)

10. Steelers Cut James Harrison
            Pittsburgh fans will forever be grateful for Harrison’s 100-yard interception return in the Super Bowl.

9. 15-20 Liberty Flames Earn NCAA Tournament Bid

            Liberty will go down as the second worst team to make postseason play in sports play, narrowly losing out to the 2008 Miami Dolphins.

8. Deron Williams Buries NBA Record 9 Threes in First Half Against Wizards

            For those not in the know, that’s a lot of fucking threes.

7. Canadiens and Mexicans Beat the Shit Out of Each Other in World Baseball Classic
            As soon as the first punch was thrown, the brawl became the most interesting thing that has ever happened in the WBC. Hopefully this doesn’t lead to tension between the two countries, as I’d hate for the United States to get caught in the crossfire.

6. Chicago Blackhawks Finally Lose a Regulation Game

            Incredibly, the Blackhawks have now lost two games in a row.

5. Matt Kenseth Celebrates Birthday With a Win at Las Vegas
            It was an impressive feat for Kenseth to hold off Kasey Kahne (who had the fastest car all day) with old tires to score his first win for Joe Gibbs Racing. Early returns from his move from Roush Fenway are positive.

4. Boston Outlasts Hawks

3. Kobe Bryant Wills Lakers to Overtime Win Over Toronto
            It’s been a rough season for the longtime NBA rivals, but things are finally looking up for Boston and L.A. Boston has climbed all the way to sixth in the Eastern Conference, while the Lakers are currently in the top eight in the West for the first time in 2013.

2. Miami Heat Run Winning Streak to 18

            There is no debating who the current favorite to win the NBA Finals is right now. When you’re the defending champs, you’ve won 18 in a row, and you employ the best player on Earth, it’s hard to argue for the Spurs or Thunder.

1. Tiger Woods Dominates for 76^th Career PGA Tour Victory

            No Credentials has said it before, and we’ll write it again. Golf is ten times more watchable when Tiger Woods is firing on all cylinders. There has never been an athlete that has single-handedly carried his sport like Tiger. It’s hard not to get excited about his chances at The Masters in a few weeks.

No Credentials Quick Takes, Volume I

            For those of you that missed the update in the season’s final weekend review, real-life has gotten in the way of No Credentials. Two weeks of training for a new job away from home will result in two things.

1. I’ll probably weigh 600 pounds on Father’s Day after all the take out I’ve been eating.
2. When I’m stationed at a hotel, I don’t have Internet access (a laptop hasn’t been fit into the No Credentials budget), so in the two or three days I’m spending away from home at a time, there will be no updates.

          Have no fear though. During each day off I have for the remainder of my training time, I will quickly hit the biggest sports stories of that timeframe. For marketing purposes, we’ll name them “No Credentials Quick Takes”.

On the Oklahoma City Thunder…

            Before the series, everyone thought San Antonio would overwhelm the Thunder with their depth. In game 6, San Antonio only played seven people. Sometimes, depth can be overrated. The Thunder clearly had the best two players in the series (Durant and Westbrook), and the fourth or fifth best player in James Harden. Oklahoma City will be the heavy favorite to win the NBA Finals, regardless of their opponent.

On the Celtics-Heat…

            I wish I could say I saw this coming, but I predicted Miami to win in 5 (oops!). Rajon Rondo has been the second best player in this series (behind Lebron James), which has tilted the balance in Boston’s favor. Even when his shot failed him in Game 5, he still was providing quality looks for his teammates. With Chris Bosh either out or playing minimal minutes, there has been little help for Lebron and Dwyane Wade. Those two combined for 57 points last night, but the lack of a quality supporting cast continues to bite them. Chris Bosh will have to play at a high level for Miami to have any chance of pushing this series to seven games.

On the Stanley Cup Finals…

            New Jersey’s game 4 victory is only delaying the inevitable. I said Kings in 6 (followers of this blog’s Facebook page can confirm that), and that prediction will be accurate.

On Kent Hrbek Going Off For 2 Dingers and 6 RBIs…

            All right this one happened in TECMO Super Baseball on my Super Nintendo, not real life, but regardless it was noteworthy. Hrbek had been struggling during the first 25 games of the season with his average below the Mendoza Line, but all it took was a date with Bill Wegman (who got rocked for 14 earned in 3 innings, ouch) to bust out of his slump. I’m going to end this paragraph before I officially lose touch with reality.

On Tiger Woods…

            The last time Tiger won a golf tournament it was shortly before The Masters. Everyone assumed that Tiger would be the favorite to win. He finished behind 39 other golfers in the final standings. His win at The Memorial comes two weeks before the U.S. Open, and now everyone wants to make him the favorite in that tournament. Everyone needs to take a cold shower before they assume Woods is going to win the U.S. Open by ten strokes.

On Kurt Busch Going Bonkers…

            I’ll say this for Kurt Busch…the dude doesn’t give a f*** for nothing. His line to a reporter after the Nationwide race in response to a question about his probation should go down as one of the greatest NASCAR interview moments of all time. I have a hard time believing this suspension will hurt his chances of landing a top ride next season (he’s too talented, and secondly, his status as a past champion would give a car owner the opportunity to expand to four teams and have the security of a past champion’s provisional), but landing sponsorship for him just became that much harder. I’d be willing to bet that he ends up at Joe Gibbs Racing with Monster Energy paying the bills.

On Dudes Getting High on Bath Salts and Then Eating Other Dudes Faces…

            A second case of this occurred in Louisiana, just a week or two after some guy ate 75% of a homeless mans face in Florida. Has this been happening for years, but the media is only covering it after the success of “The Walking Dead”? I’d like to formally request a nationwide ban on Bath Salts before my wife decides to fully zombie proof our apartment.

           

           

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (3/23-3/25)

Programming Note: I spent about 15 hours drafting fantasy baseball teams last night, then worked all day, and then played basketball (Camsanity struck again), so we're experimenting with a new format this week that involves me being extra lazy (something I'm a veteran at). Here we go.

10. Just incase you forgot, Pat Robertson is still a dumbass.  

9. The Big Tuna to the Saints? Ya buddy!

8. Texas Rangers figure Game 6 collapse was not enough, attempt to put fans into cardiac arrest with a nuclear hot dog.

7. Rain doesn’t piss on Smoke’s fire.

6. Knicks crush Pistons, No Credentials advances in Sportsbook’s $20,000 survivor pool (I’m not even going to link to that, because only myself and 426 other gambling degenerates gave a damn about this game).

5. Ohio, not Ohio St., almost beat North Carolina.

4. The Heat make a stand (off the court).

3. Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins continue to go bonkers.

2. Inspired by Rick Pitino’s infamous encounter at a diner, Louisville scores very, very quickly to come from behind.

1. Tiger Tiger Woods Y’all!

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (3/2-3/4)

10. Elliott Sadler Wins First Nationwide Race in 14 Years

            Apparently, it took wrecking a five-time champion on the second lap of the Daytona 500 to get Elliott Sadler back to victory lane. That’s not true at all, but it’s fun to remember that Jimmie Johnson wrecked on the second lap of the Daytona 500.

9. Late Jumper Gives Ohio St. Share of Big Ten Title

            Amazingly enough, it’s a three way split in the Big Ten as Michigan St., Michigan, and Ohio State all have a piece of the regular season title. For the first time in years, the Big Ten Tournament might actually be interesting. 

8. Dale Dies on “The Walking Dead”

            Dale was a whiny bitch, so I can’t say that I’m overtly bummed to see him bite the dust.

7. Jim Calhoun Returns to UConn Bench, Huskies Win

            I’d be happier to see Calhoun back if he wasn’t such a slime-ball. Nevertheless, UConn could steal a 9 or 10 seed in the tournament if they can go on a deep run in the Big East Tournament.

6. Saints Place Franchise Tag on Drew Brees

           Thankfully for the health of Brees, defensive coordinator Gregg Williams did not place the franchise tag.

5. UNC Pummels Duke, Wins ACC Regular Season Championship

            Duke had the largest halftime deficit they have ever faced at Cameron Indoor Stadium in this contest. North Carolina looks like a squad that is peaking at the perfect time.

4. Denny Hamlin Has Enough Gas, Wins at Phoenix

            This is the second straight year that the driver No Credentials has picked before the season to win the championship has won the second race of the season at Phoenix. That has no relevance to anything, but I thought I would note it.

3. Tiger Fires Final Round 62, Loses By Two Strokes to Rory McIlroy

            After withstanding Tiger’s furious rally, McIlroy has climbed to the top of the World Golf rankings.

2. Kobe’s 33 Points Lead Lakers to Win Over Miami

            The Masked Mamba eclipsed 30 points for the third straight game since Dwyane Wade broke his nose. The refs emasculated Wade in this one, collecting three quick fouls in the middle of the fourth quarter and fouling out of the game.

1. Rondo and Pierce Go Bonkers, Lead Celtics Over Knicks in Overtime

            Linsanity was put on ice Sunday afternoon as Rajon Rondo was in control throughout. We’ll see if this game is a springboard for the second half of the season, or simply an excuse for Danny Ainge to up the asking price for Rondo.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (2/10-2/12)

10. Yankees Attempt to Trade A.J. Burnett to Pirates

            I like where the Pirates heads are at here. It’s not everyday they can acquire a starter with number one stuff, which Burnett has. I expect New York to eat $25 million of the $33 million owed to Burnett over the next two seasons, which makes this a low-risk gamble for the up and coming Pirates.

9. Kevin Youkilis Gets Engaged to Tom Brady’s Sister

            Thankfully, Brady’s sister won’t have to worry about Youkilis ever going up against Eli Manning in a baseball game.

8. Detroit Red Wings Win Twentieth Straight Home Game

            Even without Jimmy Howard, nothing has stopped the Red Wings from dominating at home. I still like them as the number one threat to Vancouver in the Western Conference.

7. Zambia Wins African Cup

            I know zilch about African futbol, but this story of a team winning a tournament nineteen years after the majority of it’s roster was lost in a plane crash is pretty epic.

6. Rick Grimes Rediscovers His Balls on “The Walking Dead” Mid-Season Premiere

            Grimes had been a sissy ever since his kid got shot, so it was good to see him kick some ass when he encountered a couple of Pantera fans in a bar.

5. Wayne Rooney Scores Twice, Leads Manchester United Over Liverpool

            Rooney proved to be the difference in a game marred by racial tension throughout.

4. Celtics Defeat Ailing Bulls

            I don’t mean to burst the bubble of Celtics fans everywhere, but they were only able to beat a team who was without the defending NBA MVP by four points.

3. Mickelson Steals Tiger’s Thunder at Pebble Beach

            Wood’s supporters should place the blame for Tiger’s miserable fourth round on Tony Romo, who was Wood’s amateur partner in the tournament. As for Phil, his six-stroke comeback will go down as one of his greatest non-major wins of his career.

2. Linsanity Strikes Down the Lakers

            It’s really hard to believe that an undrafted player out of Harvard is all of a sudden one of the ten most watchable players in the NBA, but after watching the entire second half of the Knicks-Lakers game Friday night, I’m a believer.

1. The World Remembers Whitney Houston

            Has a singer ever (for lack of a better word) picked a better day to pass away? She weaseled a second memorial service out of the Grammy Awards last night. In all seriousness though, I sincerely hope that wherever she has gone, Whitney Houston has found the peace that she could never find on Earth.

                                                                                                         

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (1/27-1/29)

10. Agent Reveals That Sidney Crosby Had a Serious Neck Injury
            I’d be a little discouraged (actually scratch that, terrified) if I was a member of the Penguins and knew that the team doctors somehow missed a fracture of the C1 and C2 vertebrae.

9. Tiger Finishes Third After Being Tied For the Lead Through 54 Holes

            It was discouraging to see a journeyman outplay Tiger in the final round, but a top-3 finish isn’t a bad way for Woods to start the year. He starts his first event in the U.S. in ten days at Pebble Beach.

8. Rashad Evans Dominates Phil Davis

            The lesson that one can take from this fight is to never bet on the guy who is wearing pink shorts.

7. Everton and Landon Donovan Defeat Fulham and Clint Dempsey

            It’s pretty cool that the top two American players were on opposite sides in the FA Cup Friday night.

6. Mavericks Nearly Choke, Somehow Defeat San Antonio

            Pretty scary for Dallas that the last 51 points for the Spurs were scored by their bench. Dirk may have returned, but all is not well for Mark Cuban and the Mavericks.

5. Fourteen Year Old Girl Wins a Pro Golf Tournament

            About the only things I was pretty good at when I was fourteen was Madden and developing pimples. Needless to say, Kydia Ko has a little more to brag about.

4. Team Chara Beats Team Alfredsson in NHL All-Star Game

            I loved the NHL’s fantasy draft to form the all-star teams last season. For whatever reason, the gimmick didn’t get me going in year 2. Pushing negativity aside, it was still a fun game to watch (assuming you have no interest in defensive hockey). I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t mention that a member of The Greatest Fantasy Hockey Team That Probably Won’t Win a Championship, Marian Gaborik, was the game’s MVP.

3. Lebron James Jumps Over John Lucas

            What was worse for Lucas, Lebron dunking over him, or Lebron admitting after the game that he didn’t even see Lucas while he was in the air?

2. Derrick Rose Bricks Two Free Throws, Miami Escapes

            Rose will take the heat (pun intended) for this loss, but Chicago should be happy they had a chance to win without Luol Deng.

1. Djokovic Outlasts Nadal, Wins Longest Grand Slam Final Ever 

            I have six words that will explain how a tennis match reached the number one spot on one of these lists for the first time…five hours and fifty-three fucking minutes.                                                                                      

Things to Look Forward to in 2012

            Here’s a quick, off the cuff list of things I’m looking forward to in 2012. Items listed are in no particular order.

The Dark Knight Rises

            The only thing that is slightly curbing my enthusiasm is the presence of Anne Hathaway. No Credentials predicts that she will create a holy trinity of women who put a damper on each Christopher Nolan Batman movie (joining Katie Holmes and Maggie Gyllenhaal).

Jimmie Johnson Not Defending His Sprint Cup Championship

            Every five or six days I check the NASCAR website, just to make sure that J.J. really didn’t win the 2011 title.

The World Ending

            No Credentials is planning on doing an on-going fictional tale called “Waiting for the World to End”. It might be 2 chapters long. It could be 150 chapters long. Expect plenty of politically incorrect content and hopefully, a laugh or two before zombies ravage the Earth, or whatever it is that the Mayans have predicted will happen.

More Mailbag Questions From Loyal Reader Ryan B.

            If it’s been too long between mailbags, Ryan fires off a 1,000-word question to me via Facebook. I just got one a week ago, so look for a mailbag very soon.

(EDITORS NOTE: You have a question of your own? Send it to c_muir@hotmail.com.  I’ll literally attempt to answer any question that is sent my way on any topic. I figured out why Jimmy cracked corn, so clearly I can figure out anything)  

Betting on the Kentucky Derby

            My ability to do this largely hinges on whether or not my Sportsbook account will have anything left after foolishly attempting to bet on the NBA.

(QUICK TANGENT: Sorry for the foul language I’m about to use, but I have to share this story… the Utah Jazz fucked me the other night. Hard. They were playing their first game of the season Tuesday against the Lakers. Keep in mind that the Lakers were playing their third game in THREE NIGHTS. Surely the Lakers would run out of gas in the second half, and Utah would pull out an upset win, or at the very least cover the spread, right? How about no. I think the score was 252-31 Los Angeles at half time. I bet the Jazz at +4.5, and had them in two separate parlays. Ouch. Thankfully, a huge bet on the Pacers Wednesday night recouped all of my losses and then some. If there is ever a petition out to get the GM of the Utah Jazz fired, I’d like to be one of the first names on it)

The 2012 Presidential Election

            Ever heard of the old football phrase, “If you have two quarterbacks, you really have none”? That’s the problem with the Republicans. If I were running the Republican Party, I’d throw old Newt out to get slaughtered this year and save Romney for 2016.

Super Bowl XLVI

            I don’t have a good read on who will make the big game this year (loyal readers of my football picks can confirm that), but I feel like the Packers/Saints vs. the Steelers/Ravens/Patriots is going to be a hell of a game.

The Denver Broncos Off-Season

            No Credentials has a rogue agent out in Denver who managed to come up with a document out of John Elway’s office. The file name was “Ways to Discreetly Knock Out Tebow Without Causing Fans to Set Sofas on Fire in My Front Lawn” (I know, the name is really long, but Elway did lead a 98-yard drive to win the AFC one year. The dude likes long things. Let’s leave that last sentence alone before I make an inappropriate joke).

Leak a Photo-shopped picture of Tebow with Lindsey Lohan in a hot tub

Hire a hit man to smack Tebow’s left elbow several times with a 6-iron
Pay local television station to air all of Tebow’s attempts to throw a 10-yard out 24 hours straight.
Trade Tebow and draft picks for rights to Andrew Luck
Have team doctors diagnose Tebow with a fake heart abnormality and void his contract
Ask God to tell Tebow to convert to fullback

            I don’t remember a franchise ever being held captive by a mediocre quarterback who was so beloved by fans. It will be fun to see how the Broncos play their cards during the draft and free agency.

NBA/NHL Playoffs

            Secretly, my favorite sports time of the year (there’s an epic playoff game on every single day. What’s better than that?). Not so secretly, my wife’s least favorite time to live in the same house as me. Both leagues look to be fairly wide open this season (we’ll try to fire up some NHL power rankings within a couple of weeks), so this April-June could be the best since 2008.

The No Credentials Baseball Draft

            Two or three of you may remember that I started a keeper league that I wrote about fairly regularly until the NFL lockout ended. I was so busy with football that I even forgot to mention that I won the first year of the league thanks to the most successful season of trading I have ever had with any fantasy team (if I had more time, I would’ve written a 6,000 word column about it that absolutely none of you would’ve cared about). After year one everyone gets to keep five guys, so this draft will be pivotal to the long-term success of each team (we get to keep 10 after year two and 15 after year three). This paragraph would be longer, but my pocket protector just broke and ink is leaking all over my shirt.

Tiger Woods

            Call me a sucker for getting too excited about Tiger’s win last month, but I’m predicting big things for Mr. Woods in 2012.

My Son Speaking English

            My boy is a year and a half now, and by my count, has a ten-word vocabulary. He just added “ya”, “no”, and “boo” the other day. He’s now doing the thing where kids try to say sentences, but it ends up sounding like “da imp boo kash mick” or something. The sooner he grasps all parts of speech, the sooner I can explain that Tom Brady hates Sesame Street. As a Cowboys fan living in New England, I will have to pull out all the stops to prevent him from being a Patriots fan.

            So there you have it. Have a safe (don’t drive drunk) and happy (don’t get in a fight) New Year everyone.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (12/2-12/4)

10. Herman Cain Drops Out of 2012 Presidential Race

            For comedies sake, I was hoping we could at least have Cain in the race through March.

9. LSU Smashes Georgia

            Not that the match-up was really in serious danger (most experts agreed that LSU would still play for the national championship even if they lost Saturday), but now we are officially set up for Field Goal Fest II between Alabama and LSU.

8. Jason Garrett Ices His Own Kicker

            I’m glad I didn’t watch this game live, or else I think my head would’ve exploded. Thanks for blowing an opportunity at building a two game cushion in the NFC East Garrett.

7. Southern Miss Upsets Houston, Costs C-USA Millions 

            Reportedly, each school in the conference misses out on $500,000 now that Houston will no longer be slated to play in a BCS game.

6. Cam Newton Goes Bonkers

            Newton set the single-season record for rushing touchdowns for a quarterback while leading Carolina’s blitzkrieg of Tampa Bay.

5. Kentucky Hangs on Against North Carolina

            It’s very rare that a college basketball game in December feels like it should’ve been played in March, but that’s what everyone got Saturday in Lexington.

4. Bears Lose Thanks to Chiefs Hail Mary

            As horrendous as Tyler Palko has been, it’s fitting that his first touchdown pass was a Hail Mary. As for Chicago, they could be finished without both Jay Cutler and Matt Forte for the remainder of the regular season.
      
3. Aaron Rodgers is Clutch, Packers 12-0
            After New York tied the game, Aaron Rodgers had 58 seconds to drive the Packers down the field. I feel like he probably could’ve accomplished this feat in 8 seconds.
       
2. Tiger is Back
            Woods stole the Chevron World Challenge with two birdies on 17 and 18 to win his first tournament in two years. When Tiger returns in January for the start of the 2012 season, I fully expect him to have Paulina James on arm and Sasha Grey on the other.
          
1. God’s QB Delivers Again
            After finally completing over 60% of his passes in a game, I expect Tim Tebow to fix the global economy by the end of the month.

No Credentials Mail Bag 11/26/11

As always, these may or may not be actual questions from real or fake readers.

Should I start looking for apartments in Washington D.C. now, or can I wait a little bit? – Peyton M., Indianapolis, IN

            I’d probably start scoping neighborhoods out, but don’t go too crazy yet. There’s still a few other places you could end up next season. Here is No Credentials official rankings of the teams that Manning will most likely be under center for in week 1 of the 2012 season.

1.      Redskins

2.      49ers

3.      Seahawks

4.      Dolphins

5.      Colts

Would you be “in the mood” after shooting 25 zombies in the head? – Charlotte, Allagash, ME

            This question was raised after a scene in “The Walking Dead” last week when Andrea guns down a bunch of walkers, and then immediately follows that up by grabbing Shane’s crotch. I’m not sure where I stand on this personally, although I do feel I speak for a large percentage of the male population by saying I wish I could’ve spent more time with a girl like Andrea in high school (not that I would’ve been able to capitilize on that sort of situation  ty ty tf ftin those days, but that was probably T.M.I).

On a scale of 1-10, how badly did Denver handle Kyle Orton? – Arvada, CO

            I don’t think 10 is high enough of a number. Let’s review two key blunders that led to Denver getting absoleutly nothing for Orton.

1.      Not realizing that there team sucked and plugging in Tebow from Day 1 – You had to be on pretty good drugs to think that Kyle Orton was going to lead this team to the playoffs. Orton can play well with a strong supporting cast, but he isn’t going to carry a team on his back. Miami was willing to fork over at least a second round pick for him before the start of the season. Denver needed to sell high at this point and let (Jesus) Tebow play quarterback.

2.      Not getting at least something for Orton when Tebow was named the starter – Denver had one week to move Orton before the trade deadline. They wouldn’t of gotten a second round pick at this point, but wouldn’t a fourth round pick be better than nothing? As desperate as some teams are at the quarterback position, I find it hard to believe that no one would take a flier on Orton.

Can you please tell Jack Edwards and Andy Brickley to shut the hell up? You’d swear to God that these Bruins are the 2011 NHL version of the 1927 Yankees. – Drew E., Freeport, ME

            This question hit my inbox shortly after the end of the Bruins home game against the Blue Jackets a week ago, when Brickley went out of his way to call Columbus a “tough opponent”. Apparently Brickley doesn’t take in too much hockey outside of Boston, because Columbus is the worst team in the NHL. I understand that they are local broadcasters, but Edwards and Brickley need to show some perspective when they are televising these games. Take a page out of Don Orsillo and Remdawg’s playbook and actually present some semblance of balanced coverage.

Is it weird that Brian (the dog from Family Guy) dates chicks, or is it weirder that chicks date Brian? Megan L., Silver Lake, NH

            The upgrade from dating a human female as opposed to a female dog is much more signicant than going from a human male to a male dog (some ladies out there would probably argue that male dogs are cleaner), so the clear answer is that it is weirder that women date Brian.

The poor Buffalo Bills are crumbling. What is the best thing to compare their collapse to? Jason C., Lake George, NY

            I never watched it, but I remember seeing commercials on ABC for a drama where Geena Davis was the President. Readers correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe it was called “Commander in Chief.” The show appeared to be fairly popular when it first aired (let me define popular for a second by saying that I remember it was on the cover of “TV Guide” once or twice). Inexplicably, the head writer of the show left during the middle of the season, the quality of the episodes went down the toilet, and it was cancelled after the first season. There’s the best analogy for your 2011 Buffalo Bills.

Why is it news that a college in Utah decided that it was stupid to join the Big East? Isn’t that just common sense prevailing? Ted J., Bannockburn, IL

            Welcome to the sad state of affairs in the NCAA, where a team based out of the mountain time zone flirted with joining a league of schools on the east coast.

Which event did you care less about this past weekend, the MLS championship or the President’s Cup? – Dave, Williston, VT

             I’ll vote for the President’s Cup, since at first I thought it was a boating event instead of a golf competition.

I have thought with effort (not the "I'm on a long drive thinking, this is a relaxing shower thinking, or the after glow thinking). I have spent hours numbering in excess in search of knowing exactly what it would be like to be "The Best" at something. Anything. Wrench (EDITORS NOTE: Ryan nicknamed me “Wrench” a long time ago. Perhaps one day I’ll open this space up for him to explain that name, because I’m sure you read that and said, “Huh?”), as you are a sports fan and I am not, I put it to you like this. What did it feel like when Tiger Woods was hammering golf balls (not chicks and Cadillac’s) and he was the best? Do you fear that it will get taken away? Do you smile because you have written history? Then I think again, is it more simple, easier, more comfortable being average? – Ryan B., Kearsarge, NH

            Another multi-layered question out of the lovely town of Kearsarge, so I’ll address each part in bullets.

-         Not to make it sound to simple, but Tiger Woods must’ve been feeling pretty damn good about himself in his prime. Knowing you have the ability to contend for victory every week is the best thing you can ask for as a professional athlete.

-         Ultimately, the amount of fear a top athlete (or top anything for that matter) is what determines how long a person stays at the top of their profession. Michael Jordan is the best example of this. As Jordan aged, he no longer had the explosiveness he had in his youth, making it more difficult every year to drive to the basket. His competitiveness wouldn’t let his body fail him, and Jordan improved other aspects of his game (most notably, a post-up game and an unguardable 15-foot fade-away). It was the fear of being anything less than the best that drove Jordan to hone his craft.

-         I suppose you’re bothered less if you’re average, but even if whatever you’re best talent is won’t make you a celebrity, isn’t it good to hone your strengths? Whether it’s painting houses, selling cars, cooking pastries, writing poetry, whatever. Sorry to get all inspirational here, but it’s my belief that everyone has at least something to offer that’s above average.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (10/7-10/9)

10. Clint Bowyer Agrees to Join Michael Waltrip Racing in 2012
            I’ll let the following video explain the irony of this situation.

9. Tebow Gets in the Game, Almost Leads Comeback Against Chargers

            If Tebow doesn’t start in two weeks after the Broncos have their bye week, I’m not sure there’s enough marijuana in Denver to subdue angry Denver fans.

8. Jimmie Johnson Dominates Kansas, Within Four Points of Championship Lead

            Probably should save time and just start calling Jimmie “Six-Time”.

7. Ben Roethlisberger Tosses Five Touchdowns in Steelers Rout of Tennessee

            My worst of three fantasy teams is very thankful that Ben Roethlisberger finally decided to show up this season.

6. Milwaukee Brewers Win Game 1 of NLCS

            The folks in charge of the Brewers bandwagon were nice enough to let me on it despite the fact that my cholesterol level is significantly lower than their average fan.

5. Tiger Wood Has Hot Dog Thrown At Him While Lining up Putt

            As strange a headline as that is, the most bizarre part is that the person who tossed the dog wasn’t a female.

4. The Philadelphia Eagles Stink

            Philadelphia is further proof that signing a bunch of big names doesn’t create instant chemistry. We saw it in the NBA last year during the Miami Heat’s first 15 games. Unfortunately, the Eagles don’t have an 82-game season to figure things out.

3. “The Firm” Goes Bonkers, Leads Patriots Over Jets
            I was at Gillette Stadium back in October of 2008 when Ben-Jarvis Green-Ellis made his first appearance in a regular season game for the Patriots. New England was hammering Denver on a Monday night (which was a pisser for me because I had three Broncos going on my fantasy team that week. I was down by 25 points or so going into the game, and those four Broncos combined for 12). Due to alcohol consumption, it sounded like the stadium announcer was saying seven names after Green-Ellis’ first carry. It was easily the most entertaining moment of the night (other than the crowd booing Matt Cassel, who got sacked eight times. I wish I could’ve talked to Chiefs fans before he signed with them). I don’t think any of us there that night expected Green-Ellis to become so relevant that he would earn a nickname, or that he would someday run for 136 yards and two touchdowns against the Jets.

2. Chris Carpenter Out-Duels Roy Halladay, Knocks Out Phillies

            How excited must the executives of FOX be now that the World Series will be without the Red Sox, Yankees, and Phillies?

1. Oakland Raiders Honor Al Davis, Steal a Win in Houston

            I’m too young to remember Al Davis being more than just a punching bag for sports columnists. People questioned if Davis was actually a sea monster. Some even wondered if he had actually died ten years ago. My most memorable Davis moment was when he awkwardly bashed former Raiders Head Coach Lane Kiffin during a press conference a few years back. Instead of writing a long, Wikipedia-esque paragraph about what Al Davis met to the game of football, I’ll let current Raiders Head Coach Hue Jackson explain what Davis meant to the Raiders.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (4/8-4/10)

10. Manny Ramirez Retires to Avoid 100-Game Steroids Suspension

            I plan on writing an obituary for Manny’s career sometime by the end of the week, so I won’t write too much here (for some analysis from an actual expert, read this post by ESPN’s Buster Olney). I will say that it is a sad end for one of my favorite Red Sox players of the ‘00s.

9. Derrick Rose Drops 39 Against Magic

            MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP!

8. New Jersey Devils Coach Jacques Lemaire Retires

            Lemaire and the Devils are sort of like Ronnie and Sammy from “Jersey Shore”. Lemaire first coached the Devils 1993 to 1998. After coaching the Minnesota Wild for the first nine years of their existence, he returned to New Jersey to coach for the 2009-10 season. He tearfully announced his retirement after last season, but was brought back this past December after New Jersey woefully underachieved for the first three months of the season. I don’t know if there is a place where you can wager on this sort of thing, but I’d like to bet that Lemaire is back on the bench for New Jersey at some point (possibly next season, if Ilya Kovalchuk is to be believed).

7. Matt Kenseth Dominates Under the Lights at Texas

            Kenseth had the fastest car all-night, and pretty much stunk up the show. It was good to see the former champion snap his 76-race winless streak.

6. Minnesota Duluth Wins NCAA Men’s Hockey Championship

            You can always count on the Frozen Four for producing at least one school that no one had ever heard of before.

5. Nuggets PG Ty Lawson Hits 10 3-Pointers

            Normally this event wouldn’t stick out to me, but the fact he is on my fiancée’s fantasy team (the team that I happen to be playing in our fantasy basketball championship) made this occurrence a bit of a bummer. Lawson had never hit more than three shots from three-point range in a single game before his performance Saturday night. 

4. New York Rangers and Chicago Blackhawks Sneak Into Stanley Cup Playoffs

            No offense to the fans of the Stars and Hurricanes, but the Stanley Cup Playoffs are much more interesting if the Rangers and Blackhawks are involved.

            By the way, I’ll be posting my uninformed first round NHL picks Tuesday evening. I’m super excited about it.

3. Heat Blast Celtics

            This isn’t actually awesome for Celtics fans such as myself, but it was a noteworthy event. Either Boston doesn’t care about potentially playing a second round Game 7 in Miami, or this team is truly fractured after the Kendrick Perkins trade.

2. Red Sox Win Two Out of Three Against Yankees

            I’m not sure where Boston found the 2007 edition of Josh Beckett, but it sure was a pleasure to watch him pitch last night. Hopefully ignorant Red Sox fans don’t think the sky is falling anymore.

(EDITORS NOTE: Within the next month, I’ll be writing a Magna Carta-esque document for a new group of Red Sox members. It will be primarily targeted at the pre-2004 Red Sox fan. I’m still trying to work all the kinks out, but there’s a possibility that it will be a separate web page. Stay tuned…)

1. Charl Schwartzel Wins Masters

            The only two rounds of golf I ever make a point to watch are the final rounds of The Masters and the US Open, and Sunday’s final round at Augusta didn’t disappoint. For a very casual fan of golf, this event had everything you wanted. There was Rory McIlroy (who started the day in the lead by four shots), who bombed almost as bad as The Situation did on the Donald Trump Roast (I say almost, because no one will ever bomb as bad as the Sitch did). His final round 80 was the score for the 54-hole leader since 1956. There was a point on the back nine where six golfers were tied for first. Among them was Tiger Woods, who went –5 on the front nine but couldn’t get over the hump after that. There was Jason Day’s significant other, who is somewhere between an 8.5 and a 8.75 on a ten point scale (that’s right, my scale has decimals. Deal with it). Finally, there was South Africa native Charl Schwartzel (wouldn’t of that been a great name for a bad guy in one of the “Die Hard” movies?), who birdied the last four holes to bring home the tacky Green Jacket. Sure we were missing Phil Mickelson, gratuitous violence, and full-frontal female nudity, but what more could you ask for from a golf tournament?  

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (2/11-2/13)

10. Glen Davis Comes Up Short In Dunk Attempt

            What happens when you have a blue-collar NBA power forward that finds himself on his first breakaway since junior high school? This happens.

9. Sacramento Kings Rookie DeMarcus Cousins Not Allowed On Team Flight

            There’s one simple thing you need to know about DeMarcus Cousins…he’s f***ing crazy. Reportedly, he got into a fight with teammate Donte Green after Green did not pass to him on the inbounds play with 3 seconds left during their loss Saturday against Oklahoma City. It was so bad that the coaching staff banned Cousins from traveling to Phoenix for their game against the Suns the next night.

            I hope Cousins learns from his one game suspension and starts to put it together. Other than John Wall, there is no other rookie from the 2010 draft class that could potentially be the best player on a championship team other than Cousins. It would be a shame if he were to blow his chance in the NBA because of a poor attitude.

(Editors note: He also might be on the fantasy team of a certain writer of a certain blog that you are reading right now. Cousins better get his act together)

8. Dale Earnhardt Jr. Wins Pole For Daytona 500

            Almost as bad as the PGA Tour needs Tiger Woods to compete for victories (which we will discuss at #5), NASCAR desperately needs a comeback season from its most popular (but struggling) driver. Winning the pole is a good start, but ending up in victory lane 10 years after his father’s death would be just the shot in the arm NASCAR needs to begin gaining back fans.

             

7. Wayne Rooney Nets Incredible Goal to Beat Manchester City

            I’m not qualified to properly comment on the epicness (new adjective I just invented) of Rooney’s goal, so click here to check it out. Not being much of a soccer guy, I thought Rooney was an overrated bum after his performance in the 2010 World Cup (his play for Manchester United so far this season was cementing that thought even more), but that goal was incredible.

6. Kurt Busch Wins Budweiser Shootout

            Busch got credit for the win in the season opening exhibition race because Denny Hamlin was disqualified for going out of bounds to pass Ryan Newman. The new pavement at Daytona has created racing conditions never seen before. Two cars hook up nose to tail (with the back car pushing the front car while the lead car drags his brakes so he doesn’t get too far ahead) and drive 205 mph around the entire track. It’s very bizarre. It will be interesting to see if the drivers can keep that up for 500 miles this coming Sunday.

5. Tiger Woods Gags in Final Round at Dubai, and Then Spits on the 12^th Green

            Tiger entered the 4^th round on Sunday only one stroke out of the lead. The folks running the PGA Tour must’ve been excited that their star attraction might win again. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be, as Tiger imploded with a final round 75. To make matters worse, he hawked a loogie on the 12^th green, which pissed off a lot of European people (it’s a good thing Europeans don’t run Major League Baseball. They would all have ulcers after the 3^rd inning of opening day). We’ll have to wait another week for the Tiger Woods comeback to begin.  

4. Wisconsin Hands Ohio State First Loss

            Wisconsin was down 15 in the second half, but came back to knock off the top team in the nation. Badgers are looking like a potential top-2 seed come NCAA tournament time.

3. Mario Lemieux Calls Out the NHL After Penguins-Islanders Brawl

            Super Mario was disappointed about the penalties handed out after Pittsburgh and New York played a game that had 346 penalty minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, and 20 misconduct penalties. Lemieux even suggested that he might leave the sport if the NHL continues to encourage such behavior.

            This is a very tricky topic. Mario played in a time when he was protected by such thugs as Ulf Samuelsson (who’s vicious check of Cam Neely forever altered his career), so for him to all of a sudden suggest that there is no place for fighting in the game is a bit hypocritical. It also doesn’t help that the team he owns leads the league in major penalties. Matt Cooke (the man who almost ended Bruins center Marc Savard’s career last spring) was resigned to a new contract this summer. Lemieux hasn’t exactly built a team that is built on all skill with no rough stuff.

            Mario’s words were probably on point, but it just seems that he isn’t in a position where he has the footing to make them. If the suits at the NHL want to find a more mainstream audience, it would be in there best interest do ditch fighting (I’m not sure the NHL should try to find a more mainstream audience, but that would take a whole column to debate). The gold medal game between Canada and the United States was the most watched hockey game ever. Did anyone think it would’ve been better if there were a couple of fights in the 3^rd period?    

2. Celtics Beat Heat For 3^rd Time This Season

            Gutty effort by the Celtics who won in spite of Paul Pierce having a terrible game (1 point scored in 40 minutes, 0-10 from the field). Doc Rivers switched Rajon Rondo onto Lebron James in the second half, and Miami never adjusted. Rondo’s averaging over 14 assists per game in three games against the Heat this season. If Miami can’t figure out how to disrupt him, they better hope someone else knocks Boston out of the playoffs.

1. Rondo Spies On Heat Huddle

            Check this out to see one of the five best point guards in the NBA acting like a 10 year old. My favorite part of the clip is when Ray Allen (playing the role of Rondo’s older brother) comes over to pull him away before one of the Heat knocks Rondo out.