33.33% Chance of Being Right 2015 Kentucky Derby Rankings

            It’s hard to believe this is our fourth annual Kentucky Derby preview. It just feels like yesterday that I’ll Have Another delivered the greatest sports gambling moment in No Credentials history. We’ve already posted the video of the 2012 Derby multiple times, so it won’t hurt you to watch it again.

            The last two years haven’t been as successful, but .333 is still a great batting average (especially in the post-steroids era) so we aren’t changing up our rules for picking a winner. The rules are as follows.

-         The horse has to have a cool name. Like actors and athletes, if the horse doesn’t have the name, he doesn’t have the game.

-         I want some good odds. I’d rather win $1,500 on a $20 bet on Tencendur than $50 on a $20 bet on American Pharoah.

-         If a horse covers the first two bases, I need to find at least one writer on-line who gives that horse a significant chance of winning.

Without further ado, here’s the most uninformed Kentucky Derby analysis on the Internet.

Withdrawn. Stanford

            Stanford has won two NCAA titles in football, two titles in baseball, and one men’s basketball title. Stanford has never won the Kentucky Derby, and Stanford won’t this year as it was withdrawn from the field Thursday.

20. Mr. Z

            Remember this song by Mr. Big?

            That shitty power ballad was the first thing I thought of when I saw Mr. Z on the Derby roster.

19. Itsaknockout

            Itsaknockout will look like it belongs in a NASCAR race, as it will be promoting the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. That coupled with its name featuring three words combined into one gives Itsaknockout no chance Saturday.

18. Mubtaahij

            We wrote this last year, but it bears repeating…I don’t like words that feature the same vowels consecutively. 

17. Ocho Ocho Ocho

            Someone dropped the ball here not naming this horse Ocho Cinco.

16. Frammento

            Frammento is a late addition to the race after Stanford pulled out of the event. We’d rank Frammento lower, but it was hard enough cutting and pasting the write up for Stanford to the top.

15. Bolo

            Here is this year’s winner for “Horse Most Likely Named By a Small Child”.

14. Materiality

            The definition of materiality is “the quality or state of being material”. Sounds like a word that needs to be slapped on a horse.

13. Tencendur

            Only one horse born in the state of New York has ever won the Kentucky Derby, and they’ve run like 300 Kentucky Derbies. That’s an exaggeration, but you get the idea.

12. American Pharoah

            I don’t expect many of you to remember the movie “The Last Samurai”, but I always found it insulting that the lead role of that film was played by a short Caucasian Scientologist. American Pharoah stirs the same emotions, as only a dumbass would ever think that any pharaohs were from the United States.  

11. Danzig Moon

            Danzig means dancing in German. That’s one of six things I remember from four years of German in high school.

10. Keen Ice

            Keen Ice is a pretty sweet name, but unfortunately he hasn’t given any indication he can compete in a deep Derby field.

9. Carpe Diem

            Carpe Diem means “seize the day” in some foreign language. This makes one wonder why someone simply didn’t name this horse Seize the Day.

8. Dortmund

            Representing the town of Dortmund, Germany, this horse is our logic based pick to win. 4-1 odds though don’t give us enough profit potential to warrant a wager.

7. Far Right

            Far Right is where most of my tee shots end up on the rare occasion I play golf.

6. Firing Line

            Here’s a curious name, as it implies that the horse is slated to be executed. Shouldn’t someone have named it Firing Squad?

5. Upstart

            Who doesn’t like cheering for upstarts? Whether it’s upstart players, or upstart teams, upstart implies that it’s a feel good story worth rooting for.

4. War Story

            Only two horses in the history of the Derby have ever won while featuring the word “War” in their name. That’s two more winners for “War” than the word “Pervert”.

3. El Kabeir

            El Kabeir means “the boss” in Arabic. That’s top gun naming. Sadly, El Kabeir was a late scratch Friday afternoon and will not run Saturday.

2. Frosted

            Frosting makes everything better. I’ll support any small child who inhales the frosting while leaving behind the cake. Turning this around for a second, I can’t stand people that scrape frosting off of cupcakes. If you don’t want frosting, eat a fucking muffin or something.   

1. International Star

            In life, the highest social status you can reach is that of an international star. Plus, old people that have been in horse racing for years but have never won the Derby own this horse. Lastly, he’s a closer who could benefit if American Pharoah and Dortmund get into a pissing contest about who can run the first three-quarters of the race the fastest. International Star is our pick to win the Kentucky Derby.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Weekend (5/3-5/5)

10. Hanley Ramirez Lands on the DL…Again
            I hope his fantasy owners enjoyed the 11 at-bats they got out of him, because that’s probably all they’ll get until June.

9. Regan Smith Makes Daring Move to Win Nationwide at Talladega

            I’d bitch about NASCAR making the Nationwide guys drive in the dark, but they crash so much anyway I don’t think the extra light really matters.

8. Thunder Put Away Pesky Rockets

7. Knicks End an Era in Boston
            Those 48 hours when everyone was pumped about an NBA team coming back from a 3-0 deficit for the first time were pretty fun.

6. Grizzlies Eliminate Coaching-Deficient Clippers

            Assuming Chris Paul doesn’t sign with another team, losing in the first round and getting to can Vinny Del Negro will probably be the best thing that could’ve happened to the Clippers.

5. Penguins Win Wild Game 3 in Overtime
            You have to give the plucky Islanders credit for giving Pittsburgh a fight in Games 2 and 3, but expect the Penguins to win the next two.

4. Thunder Hold Off Grizzlies For Game 1 Win

            Is it possible that it took the Thunder a couple of games to recalibrate their offense without Russell Westbrook? If they hold serve in Game 2, you can book the Thunder for a date with the Spurs in the Conference Finals.

3. David Ragan Scores Improbable Victory at Talladega
            NASCAR was bailed out for some horrendous decision making (namely, restarting the race after 90% of the crowd had gone home, forcing the cars to run in the dark at 200 mph) by Front Row Motorsports miraculous march through the field on the final lap.

2. Pacers Steal Game 1 at Madison Square Garden

            Indiana is one of the few teams in the NBA that can make the Knicks pay for playing Carmelo Anthony at the four.

1. Orb Wins a Muddy Kentucky Derby

            I’d like to thank Normandy Invasion for giving No Credentials a solid ten seconds where we thought we’d actually make money.

                         

1000% Informed Kentucky Derby Pick

            Last year, I wrote a Kentucky Derby preview mostly as a means to make fun of the dumb names given to the horses, and partially because I’m a gambling degenerate who needed to cross betting on the Kentucky Derby off of my bucket list. What happened a year ago would go down in the books as one of the top five gambling moments of my life.

 

            Miraculously, No Credentials netted $240 off of a race I knew nothing about. Looking to catch lightning in a bottle for the second time, we’re offering up our second annual Kentucky Derby ranking of all the horses. Here’s our 100% successful method of choosing the winning horse.

1.                      The horse has to have a cool name. Kind of like pro athletes and actors, if the horse doesn’t have a name, he doesn’t have a game.

2.                      I want some good odds. Most experts agree that it’s a wide-open field again, so I’d rather take a chance at a greater payday than go for the favorite. For example, a $20 bet on Orb will net you $70, while a $20 bet on Frac Daddy would net you $1000.

3.                      If a horse covers the first two bases, I needed to find at least one writer on-line who thought that horse could win.

Without further ado, here are our rankings of the 2013 field.

20. Charming Kitten (20-1)

            A name like this happens when parents let their spoiled twat of a daughter name the poor horse.

19. Itsmyluckyday (15-1)

            We researched this last year, and we’ll say it again. No horse with four words in its name has ever won the Kentucky Derby. Not even putting all four words together will trick the horse racing gods.

18. Lines of Battle (30-1)

            Lines of Battle sounds like the name of a Tom Clancy novel. I hate Tom Clancy novels.

17. Falling Sky (50-1)

            Anytime you have the chance to name a horse after a cheaply produced TNT drama, you have to do it. I guess.

16. Black Onyx (50-1)

            Props go out to the owner who decided to honor one of the first Japanese RPGs ever made, but Black Onyx has no chance starting in post 1.

15. Giant Finish (50-1)

            Naming an elite racehorse something as mundane as Giant Finish would be like instead of naming their classic album “Dark Side of the Moon”, Pink Floyd settled on calling it “Cool Songs”.

14. Oxbow (30-1)

            What would possess someone to name a horse after a U-shaped frame?

13. Golden Soul (50-1)

            When I first read this name, I thought it was the title of the latest tear-jerking true story written by Mitch Albom.

(EDITORS NOTE: For those scoring at home, we just set a record for the most references made to books in the same column)

12. Overanalyze (15-1)

            I thought about writing an extended analysis of Overanalyze’s chances in the Derby, but after considering it for several minutes, opted to keep it to one rambling sentence where I neither endorse nor disparage the horse in question.

11. Will Take Charge (20-1)

            Reminiscent of Take Charge Indy, who sucked balls in last year’s race.

(EDITORS NOTE: I actually don’t remember where Take Charge Indy finished. I was contractually obligated to use the phrase “sucked balls” and figured this was the best way to do it)

10. Vyjack (15-1)

            I had Vyjack ranked in my initial top-5 until I discovered he’s recovering from an infection he had last month. No details on what the infection was, but hopefully Lindsay Lohan had nothing to do with it.

9. Goldencents (5-1)

            Rick Pitino has a minority ownership stake in Goldencents, which means I would love his chances of winning if the race only lasted 30 seconds.

8. Mylute (15-1)

            Rather than naming it after a musical instrument from the middle ages, I would’ve voted to name Mylute “Fender Telecaster” instead.

7. Revolutionary (10-1)

            I’m all for patriotic horses, but I’m not a fan of the three hole out of the starting gate.

6. Verrazano (4-1)

            Assuming that Verrazano is named after the Florentine explorer, it’s not good to name a horse after a dude that was eaten by South Americans.

5. Java’s War (15-1)

            Is the name of this horse referring to coffee’s war against energy drinks?

4. Orb (7-2)

 

            Orbs were a key part of the mythology of “Star Trek Deep Space 9”. That has no relevance to the race, I just thought I would note it.

3. Palace Malice (20-1)

            I wanted to place a wager on the horse whose name is loosely associated with the most famous sports brawl of the 21^st century.

 

            Unfortunately, I can’t find a writer anywhere who gives him a chance of winning. We have to cover all three bases for a horse to earn my bet.

2. Frac Daddy (50-1)

            ESPN’s Hank Greenberg, who is the network’s most famous gambling degenerate, got No Credentials all excited when he endorsed Frac Daddy yesterday. I just can’t pull the trigger on a horse who will either finish first or twentieth.  

1. Normandy Invasion (12-1)

            Just in case you’re drawing a blank on what Normandy Invasion is named for…

            I’m not crazy about his starting post, but in No Credentials opinion, it would be downright un-American to not pull for Normany Invasion Saturday evening.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (5/4-5/6)

10. Eric McClure is Still With Us
            If McClure’s crash in Saturday’s Nationwide Series event at Talladega had happened in 2000 instead of 2012, he would be dead. Yet another reminder of how important the safety improvements in Motorsports has been.  

9. Shaq Gets His Degree

            If getting his degree gets him one step closer to leaving the TV set with Charles Barkley, I’m all for Shaq earning the title of “Doctor”.

8. Thunder Sweep Mavericks

            It’s not often you get to see two rosters on totally different long term tracks face off in a playoff series. Dallas essentially punted 2012, clearing enough cap space to make a run at both Dwight Howard and Deron Williams in the off-season. Unfortunately for them, Howard elected to remain under contract for one more season, and now Dallas might not be attractive enough (only Dirk Nowitzki and Jason Kidd are under contract for next season) to warrant Deron Williams giving up more money to bolt Brooklyn. Oklahoma City on the other hand, looks like an emerging super power. When James Harden plays the way he did in Game 4 against the Mavericks, the Thunder are unstoppable.

7. Kings Sweep Blues

            I may be in the minority (the television ratings for the Western Conference Finals will prove that), but it’s pretty cool to have the Kings back as a competitive hockey club. Not since Little Wayne was in town has Los Angeles been relevant.

6. Albert Pujols Finally Hits a Home Run

            Mike Scioscia should’ve given Pujols a day off on April 10^th instead of May 5^th.

5. Capitals Even Series With Rangers

            Has there been a quicker change of identity by a NHL team than what the Capitals have pulled off the past year? They’ve gone from being a high scoring, up-and down attack to a style that isn’t far off of the dreaded trap used by the New Jersey Devils in the 1990s. What they’ve done so far against the top two seeds in the East is remarkable.

4. Knicks Finally Win a Playoff Game

            You have to give Amar’e Stoudemire some credit. After doing something incredibly dumb (punching a glass fire extinguisher case qualifies as “incredibly dumb” in my book), it would’ve been easy for him to disappear while his team was swept out of the playoffs by a superior Heat squad. Stoudemire went the other way, playing with heavy padding on his left hand and giving the Knicks a huge lift in the first quarter. Miami is probably going to slaughter the Knicks Wednesday night, but this win at least gives New York fans some hope that a Carmelo-Stoudemire pairing can be successful.

3. Brad Keselowski Pulls A Fast One at Talladega

            Keselowski’s solution to holding on to the lead on the last lap at Talladega was so simple, it’s amazing no one else had thought of it before. Even more amazing was Tony Stewart apologizing to the fans because they didn’t crash enough.  

2. Celtics Take Control With 2 Wins Over Atlanta

            After nearly choking away Game 3, it was important for Boston to lay the smack down Sunday evening. They’ll look to close out the disinterested looking Hawks Tuesday night at Atlanta.

1. I’ll Have Another Wins Kentucky Derby  

            My attachment to I’ll Have Another started thanks to a blog post where my main objectives were to make fun of every horse’s name and find a horse to waste a $20 bet on. It resulted in the greatest random gambling moment in the history of No Credentials. Here’s the video, followed by a breakdown of what No Credentials was thinking during each segment of the race.      

0:00-0:34 = One of the few things I understand about horse racing is that a good start is crucial. Starting in post position 19 (the second slot from the left on screen), if I.H.A. got buried behind 10 horses it was over. Fortunately, he didn’t get mired in the pack, and had a nice little space of his own through the first turn.

0:35-0:59 = I.H.A. is cruising on the tail end of the mid-pack while Bodemiester is setting a blistering pace. Not sure why Bodemiester’s jockey was pushing him so hard early. Maybe he had a hot date. At this point my wife thought I’ll Have Another was done, but I was optimistic. “The horse that leads early never wins,” I said. You’d almost swear that I knew things about horses.

1:00-1:40 = I’ll Have Another makes his move, weaving through four different horses to place himself in second as they turned for home. I was stunned that by ridiculous $20 bet (with 12/1 odds!) actually had a chance of hitting.

1:41-1:49 = Here’s some dialogue from the Muir home at this point in the race.

My Wife = “He’s too far behind.”
No Credentials = “He’s coming.”

1:50-1:54 = Go, go, go…

1:55-2:00 = (insert fist pumping here) GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!!!…

2:01-2:18 = …GO, GO, GO…YAAAAAAAAA!!! WHOO!!!!!!!!

            My son, perplexed as to why Daddy would be screaming about horses, finally figured out that all the commotion was a good thing and started throwing in some little “WHOO!”s for good measure. Screw football. Horse racing is the new favorite sport of No Credentials.

100% Uninformed Kentucky Derby Pick

            Amazingly, my Sportsbook account still has a fair amount of cash in it (almost 3 times more than the initial investment, thank you very much), which has now given me a chance to cross an item off of my gambling bucket list…wagering on the Kentucky Derby. Ever since missing the race when I was 12 or 13 because I had to go to the bathroom (that’s no joke, I got up from the living room near the end of a commercial break, and when I came back, the winning horse was galloping into turn 1 after crossing the finish line) I’ve had a fascination with the event. Friend of the blog Mike Stevens and I watched together as Eight Belles tragically collapsed after she finished second in 2008. We paid tribute to her the rest of the evening (by paying tribute I mean, we said a few words and then had a Jagerbomb four or five times). I wish I had more of a back-story about my fascination with the Kentucky Derby, but that’s all I got. 
            Today I’m publishing the thought process behind which horse I will bet $20 on. Three factors determined the horse I will endorse (hey that rhymed!).

1. The horse has to have a cool name. Kind of like pro athletes and actors, if the horse doesn’t have a name, he doesn’t have a game.
2. I want some good odds. Especially this year, where most experts are saying that as many as ten horses have a great chance to win, it’s best to get some good odds on your investment. For example, a $20 bet on Bodemiester will net you an $80 win, while a $20 bet on El Padrino will get you $400.
3. If a horse covers the first two bases, I needed to find at least one writer on-line who thought that horse could win.

         Now that you know the in-exact science behind my selections, let’s look at each of the 20 horses that will run tomorrow.

20. Liaison (50/1)

            I’m not prepared to wager on a horse whose name means “a means to maintain communication”. What a stupid name for a horse.

19. Done Talking (50/1)

            This name would be much more fitting for a classic Carrie Underwood man-hating power ballad than a Kentucky Derby winner.

18. Sabercat (30/1)

            On one hand, I’d like to rank a horse named after an arena football team higher. On the other, couldn’t they have at least named it after a Double-A baseball team? You could talk me into betting on “Sea Dog”.

17. Trinniberg (50/1)

            I wasn’t able to find the origin of Trinniberg’s name within 35 seconds, but I’m guessing it has to do with something German. I have nothing against Germans, just thought I would note it.

16. Optimizer (50/1)

            Was this horse named by an eight year old?

15. Rousing Sermon (50/1)

            Rousing Sermon would be at least 20/1 if its name had something to do with Tim Tebow. I’d plunk some cash on a horse named “Errant Throw” without hesitation.

14. Went The Day Well (20/1)

            A horse with four words in its name has never won the Kentucky Derby (look it up here if you don’t believe me), so if you planned on betting on Went The Day Well, save yourself some time and set your money on fire.

13. Hansen (10/1)

            I’m not betting on any horse whose name is loosely associated with this band.

12. Daddy Nose Best (15/1)

           Naming a racehorse with a pun should be considered a major misuse of a resource.

11. Daddy Long Legs (30/1)

            I guess it’s cool to have two horses whose name starts with “Daddy” in the same race. It wasn’t a wise move to name a horse after a spider. I could think of an ark’s worth of animals that are faster than spiders. Daddy Long Legs doesn’t have a chance Saturday.

10. Alpha (15-1)

            Alpha is the only horse in the field that will be running for 25% of our galaxy (there’s a reference for all three “Star Trek” nerds that read this blog). His success will hinge on how well he handles that burden.

9. El Padrino (20/1)

            El Padrino was a nickname for Pablo Escobar; a Colombian cocaine dealer who Forbes Magazine estimated was the seventh richest man on Earth in the late-80s. The owners of this horse should’ve played it safe and named him “Big Papi” instead. 

8. Creative Cause (12/1)

            To fully capitalize on a name like this, the jockey better have “Save the Whales” plastered all over his back.

7. Gemologist (6/1)

            Can you picture a horse grading the quality of diamonds? Me neither, which makes this stupid name that much more fun. Here are some other cool careers that you could name a horse after.

Hygienist

Stylist
Physicist
Appraisist
Pharmacist
Masturbationist  
Machinist
Botanist
Quarterbackist
Gamblist
Humorist
Kardashianist

6. Take Charge Indy (15/1)

            Is the name of this horse paying homage to Indianapolis Motor Speedway? Peyton Manning? Reggie Miller? Bob Knight? Leaving the state of Indiana for a second, Indiana Jones? I demand answers.

5. Bodemiester (4/1)

            I can’t cheer for a horse that is owned by…

…this asshole

4. Prospective (30/1)

            I support any and all forms of prospecting (whether it be in relation to business, real estate, dating, ect.), so I’m a fan of the name. Also, Prospective has won 4 of its last 6 races. Even though he’s not my number one choice, Prospective is my favorite long shot winner. No Credentials will probably drop $5 on him just for kicks.   

3. Dullahan (8/1)

            Named after a headless Irish fairy, Dullahan’s trainers claim that even if he is in last place coming off of the first turn, he could still win the race. I’ll let the world know that Dullahan was firmly entrenched in the number one spot on this list until I found out that a fairy is involved in his name origin (another reminder, this blog is called No Credentials for a reason). 

2. Union Rags (4.5/1)
            Here’s my wife’s pick to win. Her interest in this horse may or may not be related to a slang term for the menstrual cycle.

1. I’ll Have Another (12/1)

            Flashbacks to nights of consuming multiple Jagerbombs and Budweisers drew me to this horse immediately. Also, assorted web pages give I.H.A. a good chance to win. So here’s the “No Credentials Horse That We’ll Blow $20 On” for 2012, I’ll Have Another. If you don’t have a dog in the fight, do us a favor and pull for him Saturday.

Things to Look Forward to in 2012

            Here’s a quick, off the cuff list of things I’m looking forward to in 2012. Items listed are in no particular order.

The Dark Knight Rises

            The only thing that is slightly curbing my enthusiasm is the presence of Anne Hathaway. No Credentials predicts that she will create a holy trinity of women who put a damper on each Christopher Nolan Batman movie (joining Katie Holmes and Maggie Gyllenhaal).

Jimmie Johnson Not Defending His Sprint Cup Championship

            Every five or six days I check the NASCAR website, just to make sure that J.J. really didn’t win the 2011 title.

The World Ending

            No Credentials is planning on doing an on-going fictional tale called “Waiting for the World to End”. It might be 2 chapters long. It could be 150 chapters long. Expect plenty of politically incorrect content and hopefully, a laugh or two before zombies ravage the Earth, or whatever it is that the Mayans have predicted will happen.

More Mailbag Questions From Loyal Reader Ryan B.

            If it’s been too long between mailbags, Ryan fires off a 1,000-word question to me via Facebook. I just got one a week ago, so look for a mailbag very soon.

(EDITORS NOTE: You have a question of your own? Send it to c_muir@hotmail.com.  I’ll literally attempt to answer any question that is sent my way on any topic. I figured out why Jimmy cracked corn, so clearly I can figure out anything)  

Betting on the Kentucky Derby

            My ability to do this largely hinges on whether or not my Sportsbook account will have anything left after foolishly attempting to bet on the NBA.

(QUICK TANGENT: Sorry for the foul language I’m about to use, but I have to share this story… the Utah Jazz fucked me the other night. Hard. They were playing their first game of the season Tuesday against the Lakers. Keep in mind that the Lakers were playing their third game in THREE NIGHTS. Surely the Lakers would run out of gas in the second half, and Utah would pull out an upset win, or at the very least cover the spread, right? How about no. I think the score was 252-31 Los Angeles at half time. I bet the Jazz at +4.5, and had them in two separate parlays. Ouch. Thankfully, a huge bet on the Pacers Wednesday night recouped all of my losses and then some. If there is ever a petition out to get the GM of the Utah Jazz fired, I’d like to be one of the first names on it)

The 2012 Presidential Election

            Ever heard of the old football phrase, “If you have two quarterbacks, you really have none”? That’s the problem with the Republicans. If I were running the Republican Party, I’d throw old Newt out to get slaughtered this year and save Romney for 2016.

Super Bowl XLVI

            I don’t have a good read on who will make the big game this year (loyal readers of my football picks can confirm that), but I feel like the Packers/Saints vs. the Steelers/Ravens/Patriots is going to be a hell of a game.

The Denver Broncos Off-Season

            No Credentials has a rogue agent out in Denver who managed to come up with a document out of John Elway’s office. The file name was “Ways to Discreetly Knock Out Tebow Without Causing Fans to Set Sofas on Fire in My Front Lawn” (I know, the name is really long, but Elway did lead a 98-yard drive to win the AFC one year. The dude likes long things. Let’s leave that last sentence alone before I make an inappropriate joke).

Leak a Photo-shopped picture of Tebow with Lindsey Lohan in a hot tub

Hire a hit man to smack Tebow’s left elbow several times with a 6-iron
Pay local television station to air all of Tebow’s attempts to throw a 10-yard out 24 hours straight.
Trade Tebow and draft picks for rights to Andrew Luck
Have team doctors diagnose Tebow with a fake heart abnormality and void his contract
Ask God to tell Tebow to convert to fullback

            I don’t remember a franchise ever being held captive by a mediocre quarterback who was so beloved by fans. It will be fun to see how the Broncos play their cards during the draft and free agency.

NBA/NHL Playoffs

            Secretly, my favorite sports time of the year (there’s an epic playoff game on every single day. What’s better than that?). Not so secretly, my wife’s least favorite time to live in the same house as me. Both leagues look to be fairly wide open this season (we’ll try to fire up some NHL power rankings within a couple of weeks), so this April-June could be the best since 2008.

The No Credentials Baseball Draft

            Two or three of you may remember that I started a keeper league that I wrote about fairly regularly until the NFL lockout ended. I was so busy with football that I even forgot to mention that I won the first year of the league thanks to the most successful season of trading I have ever had with any fantasy team (if I had more time, I would’ve written a 6,000 word column about it that absolutely none of you would’ve cared about). After year one everyone gets to keep five guys, so this draft will be pivotal to the long-term success of each team (we get to keep 10 after year two and 15 after year three). This paragraph would be longer, but my pocket protector just broke and ink is leaking all over my shirt.

Tiger Woods

            Call me a sucker for getting too excited about Tiger’s win last month, but I’m predicting big things for Mr. Woods in 2012.

My Son Speaking English

            My boy is a year and a half now, and by my count, has a ten-word vocabulary. He just added “ya”, “no”, and “boo” the other day. He’s now doing the thing where kids try to say sentences, but it ends up sounding like “da imp boo kash mick” or something. The sooner he grasps all parts of speech, the sooner I can explain that Tom Brady hates Sesame Street. As a Cowboys fan living in New England, I will have to pull out all the stops to prevent him from being a Patriots fan.

            So there you have it. Have a safe (don’t drive drunk) and happy (don’t get in a fight) New Year everyone.