10. Angelina Ballerina
Whenever
this show accidentally airs on my television, my start starts yelling, “No, no,
NO!!!!” Angelina Ballerina would be number one if he could type this list.
9. Barney
More
of a lifetime achievement award, as we never watch Barney. He did enough damage
in the early-90s to secure a spot in the inaugural poll.
8. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
I
don’t mean to dog on the face of Disney, but there’s more action at Pancake
Social Night at an Amish village than there is on this show.
7. Special Agent Oso
On
paper, Special Agent Oso has a lot going for it. James Earl Jones is involved,
and…well, James Earl Jones is actually the only thing this show has going for
it on paper. In the end, it’s a show about a stupid bear with a stupid
catchphrase.
6. Abby’s Flying Fairy School
Abby
is the Yoko Ono of Sesame Street.
5. Jake and the Neverland Pirates
The
title of this show would be much more accurate if it was called “Obnoxious
Little Asshole Pirates”. I feel like I’ve covered the basic plot of a typical
episode in this space before, but for those who missed it, here you go.- Captain Hook steals a soccerball/football/basketball/treasure/parrott/pirate ship from the Neverland Pirates.
- The Neverland Pirates get their soccerball/football/basketball/treasure/parrott/pirate ship back.
- To get away from Captain Hook they use Pixie Dust, which even though it is only supposed to be used in emergencies, is used in every show.
4. Doc McStuffins
I’m
not sure who green-lighted a show about a girl who repairs broken toys, but
they should not be employed by Disney anymore.
3. Caillou
Little
known fact…the stories of Caillou are actually taken from the real-life
childhood experiences of this man…
That’s
right, it’s based on NHL broadcaster Pierre McGuire, aka “The Bald Asshole”.
We’re not sure how his lovely childhood (which includes him never being blamed
for anything, always getting what he wants, including leaping into his elderly
grandparents’ arms despite the fact that they may or may not have osteoporosis)
led to him becoming the angriest sports announcer on television (sorry Skip
Bayless), but perhaps their will be an episode where Caillou gets picked on for
having a weak wrist shot.
2. Noodle and Doodle
Who wants
to watch a show where a dolt with Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder version) hair and a
crappy puppet cook shitty snacks and then make awful crafts? Sadly, my son. My
only satisfaction with each 15 minutes of horrendous television is the opening
theme song, which starts with a long mumble, and ends with a roar.
1. The Fresh Beat Band
These
assholes are the reason this list is called “Agents of Satan.” Each episode
they try to top the previous one with cheesier dialogue (even by kid’s show standards)
and annoying songs. The band is made up of the following four members.
Kiki – The lead female singer who struggles to speak English
when she isn’t singing.
Shout – The lead male singer who thinks he’s on Broadway.Marina – Originally a red head who couldn’t dance who was then replaced by a brunette who can’t sing.
Shout – The failed rapper who they let free style one verse every three episodes.
Here’s all the blog related things I can
blame The Fresh Beat Band for thanks to the brain cells they have destroyed.
-
Every NFL pick I’ve gotten wrong.
-
Predicting Tony Stewart to finish eleventh in last year’s
Chase (I’ll toot my own horn and say I’m redeeming myself with my Jimmie
Johnson prediction, not that I was leaning out on a limb or anything)
-
Picking the Eagles to win the NFC East (not my fault their
whole offensive line went down. Note to Eagles critics, it’s not Michael Vick’s
fault either)
-
Signing off on Zach Greinke as my favorite fantasy baseball
pitcher last spring.
-
Not writing a fake news story since last May.
So there you have it. I might do this poll once a month, or never again, so if you enjoyed it you might want to add this page to your favorites.
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