10. Utah Jazz Owner Blasts Karl Malone Hard
to pick a side in this one, but it’s pretty sad when a franchise gets involved
in public bickering with the greatest
player that ever wore their uniform.
9. Manchester United Comes Back From 3-0 Deficit to Earn
Draw at Chelsea
I
don’t know much about soccer, but I can say with confidence that it’s not easy
to score 3 goals, and even harder to score 3 goals after
3 goals have been scored against you.
8. Cam Newton and Von Miller Win Offensive and Defensive
Rookie of the Year
I’m
too lazy to research this, but I’ll give a shout-out to anyone who can let No
Credentials know the last time the top two picks in the previous years draft
won the Rookie of the Year awards.
7. Aaron Rodgers Wins 2011 NFL MVP Award
Remembering
that this is a regular season award, the voters
got it right giving Rodgers the MVP and honoring Drew Brees as the
Offensive Player of the Year.
6. Roger Goodell Admits That Eliminating Pro Bowl is an
Option
Kudos
to Goodell for not coming out and defending such an awful event and put out
there that changes
need to be made. This year’s Pro Bowl didn’t even crack last week’s review,
as I didn’t even remember that it was A) on, or B) had happened.
4. Kevin Garnett Looks Young (For One Day), Leads Celtics
Over Grizzlies
Its
too bad Boston can’t play every game at noon on Super Bowl Sunday. Garnett is
one of the few players crazy enough to get up for a game at that time
of day.
3. Curtis Martin Elected to Pro Football Hall of Fame
1995 was
the first year that I was truly obsessed with football, and Martin
was the Offensive Rookie of the Year that season for the Patriots. I guess
that means I’m getting old.
2.Audi’s Super Bowl Vampire Ad
In
another weak year for commercials, Audi’s “Vampire Party was easily best in
show. Honorable mention goes to Acura’s Jerry Seinfeld ad.
1. Giants Defeat Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI
I’ll
remember Super Bowl XLVI as one of the weirdest Super Bowl’s
ever. Tom Brady’s first pass attempt resulting in a safety. Feeling like
New York should’ve been up by three touchdowns at halftime, but somehow it was
10-9 Patriots. Wes Welker, Deion Branch, and Aaron Hernandez all having a
really bad case of the drops, and then getting ripped by Mrs. Brady (no
joke, read here!). Madonna looking like she’s at the peak of a steroid
cycle. Lastly, Ahmad Bradshaw scoring the ugliest game-winning touchdown in the
history of football. As a Cowboys fan who hates the Giants more than any other
franchise (sorry Redskins, you’ve been too pathetic for too long), I’ll forever
believe that this game is different if Patriot killer Bernard Pollard didn’t
injure Rob Gronkowski in the AFC Championship Game.
As always, these may or may not
be actual e-mails from real or fake people.
What’s my greatest accomplishment, winning a Super Bowl,
or overshadowing a Super Bowl I’m not even playing in? – Peyton M.,
Indianapolis, IN
I’m leaning toward
overshadowing this year’s game, as your one Super Bowl win came against Rex
Grossman. Other than the original Desert Storm invasion of Iraq in 1991, has
there ever been a bigger non-Super Bowl related news story during the week
leading up to the game? I’ll give any reader who comes up with one a fake prize
if you message me with one.
So I’m back in the yellow scivvy, what do you think? –
Greg P., Sydney, Australia
I’m guessing most of you aren’t
up to speed on The Wiggles, so let me try to make an analogy that will explain
what a big deal it is for the original yellow Wiggle to return. In terms of
children’s music, it’s like if Jim Morrison came back from the dead six years
after his heroin overdose to sing for The Doors. Greg Page (aka Greg Wiggle) is
a big f***ing deal (we’ll bleep it because we’re talking about a kid’s group).
I didn’t really learn about The Wiggles until my son was born (because you
know, it would be pretty strange if I was rocking out to “Hot
Potato” while driving around in high school), but it didn’t take long what
this guy meant to a lot of kids (and parents) all over the world. Greg left the
group in 2006 because of a disorder that basically doesn’t allow enough blood
to flow through his body (I always thought Sam Wiggle was a time traveler from
the future who came back to poison Greg so he could be the yellow Wiggle), but
now he’s back to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and of course, wiggle.
I have a two-part question. First, is it ok to have a man
crush on Tim Tebow? Second, on average, how many puppies do you think Tom Brady
kicks in a day? – Colin Tuttle, Bozeman, MT
Question 1: Michael Vick was
(and is still to a few members of the population) a much-admired quarterback
who also couldn’t complete a quick slant, so I’m totally cool with anybody on
the Tebow bandwagon. Question
2: Brady thinks about kicking 100 puppies a day, but Giselle holds him back.
(EDITORS NOTE: “The New York Post” has never been a model
of professional journalism, but their “exclusive” breaking of Gisele Bundchen’s
private e-mail to friends and family asking for prayers for Brady this Sunday
has to rank as one of the dumbest front page stories I’ve ever seen. Is it
really news that a wife would ask for support before her husband’s big game? No
wonder newspapers are bleeding money)
Is it reasonable for a big-time recruit to have his
choice of school be partially swayed by the proximity of a fast food chain? – Dan
V., Montpelier, VT
This
question is relevant after linebacker Cassanova McKinzy revealed that one of
the reasons he picked Auburn over Clemson was because
there wasn’t a Chick-fil-A in sight. As someone who likes Wendy’s and
Chili’s way too much, I can’t fault the kid for letting him pick one school
over the other for that reason. If I were a big-time college prospect, my
ability to efficiently order and eat a Spicy Chicken Sandwich would probably
rank second behind the likelihood of ending up in the NFL.
Should I be bitter about getting dumped by The Wiggles,
or grateful for the opportunity I was given? Sam M., Sydney, Australia
When the
news first broke, I would have to say grateful. It would be one thing if you
got canned so some random guy to replace you, but there’s no shame in being
replaced by the original singer. However, the smear campaign being led by
Anthony Wiggle would piss off. Watch this interview to see poor Sam being
referred to like he was the janitor at the Wiggles complex.
I think
Charlie Sheen was more prepared for his interviews last spring while sky high
on cocaine than Anthony Wiggle was. I can’t wait for ex-Wiggle Sam’s tell all
book about how much of a dick Anthony Wiggle was/is.
Why doesn’t McD's sell hot dogs? – Megan L., Silver Lake, NH
Ray Kroc, who purchased the brand
from the McDonald brothers, stated in his 1976 autobiography that he banned
chains from carrying hot dogs because he felt they were unhygenic (because you
know, a Double-Quarter Pounder with Cheese is). McDonald’s restaurants in the
UK, Japan, and Toronto have carried hot dogs at various times over the years,
but they have followed the word of their most important executive with their locations
in the U.S. since his death in 1981.
Are the
starters for the NBA All-Star Game further proof that the general public
shouldn’t be allowed to vote for anything? – Finn, Bismark, ND
Great question. Let’s review
each one starting with the Eastern Conference, grading each selection on a 1 to
10 scale.
PG: Derrick Rose, Bulls – The defending MVP is having another MVP-type
season despite dealing with turf toe. Grade = 10
SG: Dwyane Wade, Heat – He’s been banged up, but this pick is
defensible because there has been no other 2-guard even close to him in the
East. Grade = 9
SF: Lebron James, Heat – 30, 8, and 7 on 55% shooting is ridiculous. If
it weren’t for the national media bias against him, he’d be the clear favorite
for league MVP. Grade = 10
PF: Carmelo Anthony, Knicks – Voted in because of name alone, Anthony
should’ve been passed over for Chris Bosh. Can’t believe I just typed that last
sentence, but it’s 100% true. Grade = 3
C: Dwight Howard, Magic – Howard still dominates despite being surrounded
by constant trade rumors and sub-par teammates. Grade = 10
Now for the West…
PG: Chris Paul, Clippers – The quarterback of Lob City, Paul has
delivered the goods for the Clipers. Grade = 10
SG: Kobe Bryant, Lakers – Kobe’s scoring average is only 0.3 higher
than Lebrons, but the degree of difficulty for Kobe to get his 30 points is
three times higher. It’s amazing what he’s doing at his age. Grade = 10
SF: Kevin Durant, Thunder – His scoring is down, but his overall
stat-line is up across the board. Grade = 10
PF: Blake Griffin, Clippers – I heart Griffin, but this is the most
egregious mistake the fans made. Kevin Love is average 27 and 14, while also
shooting almost 40% from 3. Stats don’t lie. Love should’ve been the pick here.
Grade = 1
C: Andrew Bynum, Lakers – You could make a decent case that LaMarcus
Aldridge (who isn’t a true center) could’ve filled this spot, but Bynum’s
breakout season is worthy of an All-Star start. Grade = 9
All in all the fans
did a decent job. Score one for democracy.
So I threw in
an extended break during practice to try to simulate the Super Bowl halftime.
Further proof I’m a genius right? – Bill B., Foxboro, MA
I guess so, but I’ll be more impressed if you
figure out a way to remove the horseshoe out of Eli Manning’s ass.
I would like to formally request some No Credentials
thoughts on this Lee Evans catch/no catch/should have reviewed the play/didn’t
need to debacle. Personally, I think it was probably worth reviewing, although
I don’t think that it was a catch according to the new rule. I think he sealed
his fate by trying to keep taking steps instead of just falling to the ground
and holding on for dear life. Also, I know I’m not alone on this, but I think
Harbaugh sealed Cundiff’s fate by not calling a time out. Why lose a game with
a time out left? Why make your kicker run out on to the field and rush through
a kick that important? Either way I’m not too excited about this Super Bowl
match up as a Patriots fan I can tell you that. – Mike S., Keene, NH
I
had no problem with that catch not getting reviewed. Both of his feet hit the
ground after his hands were on the ball, but I don’t think he established clear
possession before Sterling Moore knocked the ball out (quick aside, not nearly
enough credit has gone to Moore for that play. A lot of DBs would have just
tried to tackle him instead of punch the ball out. Cowboys corner Terrance
Newman would’ve already fallen down at the five yard line before this pass was
thrown, but that’s another topic of discussion).
I’ll give 65% of the blame to Harbaugh, Cundiff 30%, and whoever was operating the scoreboard at Gillette Stadium 5% (remember that the scoreboard was showing it was third down when it was actually fourth, which apparently is part of the reason why Cundiff was so confused). A NFL kicker should have the presence of mind to kick a relativly short field goal in rushed circumstances, but it’s pretty pathetic that a rushed kicked could’ve been prevented by a timeout. They didn’t even snap the ball until there was only one second left on the playclock. Harbaugh makes a lot of money to manage situations just like that.
You cool with Les Miles mocking an eighteen year old kid? – Steve A., Pittsboro, IN
I normally support the turf-eating coach, but can’t back him up here. For Christsake, the kid is 18 years old! To turn a kid just barely old enough to vote into a punch-line at your alumni dinner (aka: gathering of grumpy, ignorant, and delusional old men) is moraly deplorable.
Coming from a Pats fan, are you as tired as I am of hearing about Gronk? – Kyle H., Sacremento, CA
Coming from someone who isn’t a Pats fan, I am tired about hearing about Rob Gronkowski’s ankle. However, it’s not Super Bowl week if the media doesn’t beat one or two stories into the ground. At least this one is related to the game (unlike the Peyton Manning saga). Also, if Gronk is ineffective (which No Credentials predicts will not be the case), the Patriots have no chance of winning. So it is a big deal.
Paula Deen. Paula Deen. Paula Deen. Where do I start? I'm not a Paula fan, and this question is not intended to show my affection or lack of it. Is PD a healthy cooking chef? No. Is she entertaining? To some. Should her show be removed from television because of what and how she cooks most likely caused her health problems? Is there anything wrong with making "a" cupcake with 2 sticks of butter, 5 lbs of sugar and a gallon of whole milk? Why not chicken fry a steak, pour the fat into a shot glass, take a hit and chase it down with a 12 oz glass of maple syrup? We are Americans. I personally had the luxury to defend this great nation. The fat, thin, healthy, sick, rich, poor, disabled, able, fucking stupid, and insanely intelligent. Watch any sporting event and you WILL see a beer ad. What happens if we later find out that one of the actors was an alcoholic? Can he no longer make beer commercials? Now what about the Cialis commercials? He's got a problem, admits to it, goes on TV and talks about it, and yet his broken penis won't get his face time pulled. So I ask you this...if some fat, rebel flag waving, puts her dentures in lard at night and her definition of eating pork is eating the entire swine, should have her program removed because its not healthy? Maybe if she had a more acceptable problem like Mr. Cialis (who may or may not have abused his penis while alone or with others) she might still have the dignity that we are trying to take away. I say, let the fat lady sing (cook while televised), you? – Ryan B., Kearsarge, NH
After that magnificent rant, I’ll keep my reply short and simply say that I concur.
Before we get to my Super Bowl pick, here’s some prop bets that I like that I’m sure will lose.
First score of the game will be Any Other Score (+155)
Longest touchdown of the game will be Over 49.5 Yards (-115) No team (+130) will score 3 straight times without other team scoring New York’s total rushing yards will be Under 107.5 (-115) Eli Manning Over 2.5 Rushing Yards (-120) Hakeem Nicks Over 85.5 Receiver Yards (-130) Tom Brady Will Not Throw an Interception (+115) Ben-Jarvis Green-Ellis Over 47.5 Rushing Yards (-115) Danny Woodhead Will Score a Touchdown (+300) Wes Welker Over 81.5 Receiving Yards (-115) Deion Branch Over 40.5 Receiving Yards (-115) Deion Branch Over 3 Receptions (Even) Wes Welker will have More Receptions Than Free Throws Attempted By Lebron James (-115) Victor Cruz will have More Receptions Than Combined Goals By Rangers and Flyers (-115) Super Bowl MVP will Thank His Teammates First During Award Acceptance Speech (+200)
Now for the moment everyone (okay, no one actually) has been waiting for, the official No Credentials Super Bowl XLVI pick…
Patriots (-3) over Giants
I don’t hate another NFL franchise more than I hate the New York Giants, so perhaps this pick is biased, but I don’t care. You pick the Patriots in this game if you believe in things like “Tom Brady can’t lose two Super Bowls to Eli Manning”, or “I want to bet against the most over-confident 9-7 team that needed to win it’s last game of the regular season to make the playoffs”. I think Gronkowski plays, and he plays well. I expect Eli Manning to turn it over at least two times. Lastly, I expect Robert Kraft to lift the Lombardi Trophy in honor of his wife Myra.
Here’s a
quick, off the cuff list of things I’m looking forward to in 2012. Items listed
are in no particular order.
The Dark Knight Rises
The
only thing that is slightly curbing my enthusiasm is the presence of Anne
Hathaway. No Credentials predicts that she will create a holy trinity of women
who put a damper on each Christopher Nolan Batman movie (joining Katie Holmes
and Maggie Gyllenhaal).
Jimmie Johnson Not Defending His Sprint Cup Championship
Every
five or six days I check the NASCAR website, just to make sure that J.J. really
didn’t win the 2011 title.
The World Ending
No
Credentials is planning on doing an on-going fictional tale called “Waiting for
the World to End”. It might be 2 chapters long. It could be 150 chapters long.
Expect plenty of politically incorrect content and hopefully, a laugh or two
before zombies ravage the Earth, or whatever it is that the Mayans have
predicted will happen.
More Mailbag Questions From Loyal Reader Ryan B.
If
it’s been too long between mailbags, Ryan fires off a 1,000-word question to me
via Facebook. I just got one a week ago, so look for a mailbag very soon.
(EDITORS NOTE: You have a question of your own? Send it to c_muir@hotmail.com.I’ll literally attempt to answer any
question that is sent my way on any topic. I figured out why Jimmy cracked
corn, so clearly I can figure out anything)
Betting on the Kentucky Derby
My ability
to do this largely hinges on whether or not my Sportsbook account will have
anything left after foolishly attempting to bet on the NBA.
(QUICK TANGENT: Sorry for the foul language I’m about to
use, but I have to share this story… the Utah Jazz fucked me the other night.
Hard. They were playing their first game of the season Tuesday against
the Lakers. Keep in mind that the Lakers were playing their third game in THREE
NIGHTS. Surely the Lakers would run out of gas in the second half, and Utah
would pull out an upset win, or at the very least cover the spread, right? How
about no. I think the score was 252-31 Los Angeles at half time. I bet the Jazz
at +4.5, and had them in two separate parlays. Ouch. Thankfully, a huge bet on
the Pacers Wednesday night recouped all of my losses and then some. If there is
ever a petition out to get the GM of the Utah Jazz fired, I’d like to be one of
the first names on it)
The 2012 Presidential Election
Ever
heard of the old football phrase, “If you have two quarterbacks, you really
have none”? That’s the problem with the Republicans. If I were running the
Republican Party, I’d throw old Newt out to get slaughtered this year and save
Romney for 2016.
Super Bowl XLVI
I
don’t have a good read on who will make the big game this year (loyal readers
of my football picks can confirm that), but I feel like the Packers/Saints vs.
the Steelers/Ravens/Patriots is going to be a hell of a game.
The Denver Broncos Off-Season
No
Credentials has a rogue agent out in Denver who managed to come up with a document
out of John Elway’s office. The file name was “Ways to Discreetly Knock Out
Tebow Without Causing Fans to Set Sofas on Fire in My Front Lawn” (I know, the
name is really long, but Elway did lead a 98-yard drive to win the AFC one
year. The dude likes long things. Let’s leave that last sentence alone before I
make an inappropriate joke).
Leak a Photo-shopped picture of Tebow with Lindsey Lohan in
a hot tub
Hire a hit man to smack Tebow’s left elbow several times
with a 6-iron
Pay local television station to air all of Tebow’s attempts
to throw a 10-yard out 24 hours straight.
Trade Tebow and draft picks for rights to Andrew Luck
Have team doctors diagnose Tebow with a fake heart
abnormality and void his contract
Ask God to tell Tebow to convert to fullback
I don’t
remember a franchise ever being held captive by a mediocre quarterback who was
so beloved by fans. It will be fun to see how the Broncos play their cards
during the draft and free agency.
NBA/NHL Playoffs
Secretly,
my favorite sports time of the year (there’s an epic playoff game on every
single day. What’s better than that?). Not so secretly, my wife’s least
favorite time to live in the same house as me. Both leagues look to be fairly
wide open this season (we’ll try to fire up some NHL power rankings within a
couple of weeks), so this April-June could be the best since 2008.
The No Credentials Baseball Draft
Two
or three of you may remember that I started a keeper league that I wrote about
fairly regularly until the NFL lockout ended. I was so busy with football that
I even forgot to mention that I won the first year of the league thanks to the
most successful season of trading I have ever had with any fantasy team (if I
had more time, I would’ve written a 6,000 word column about it that absolutely
none of you would’ve cared about). After year one everyone gets to keep five
guys, so this draft will be pivotal to the long-term success of each team (we
get to keep 10 after year two and 15 after year three). This paragraph would be
longer, but my pocket protector just broke and ink is leaking all over my
shirt.
Tiger Woods
Call
me a sucker for getting too excited about Tiger’s win last month, but I’m
predicting big things for Mr. Woods in 2012.
My Son Speaking English
My
boy is a year and a half now, and by my count, has a ten-word vocabulary. He
just added “ya”, “no”, and “boo” the other day. He’s now doing the thing where
kids try to say sentences, but it ends up sounding like “da imp boo kash mick”
or something. The sooner he grasps all parts of speech, the sooner I can
explain that Tom Brady hates Sesame Street. As a Cowboys fan living in New
England, I will have to pull out all the stops to prevent him from being a
Patriots fan.
So there
you have it. Have a safe (don’t drive drunk) and happy (don’t get in a fight)
New Year everyone.
