Super Bowl Mail Bag, Prop Bets, and a Prediction

            As always, these may or may not be actual e-mails from real or fake people.

What’s my greatest accomplishment, winning a Super Bowl, or overshadowing a Super Bowl I’m not even playing in? – Peyton M., Indianapolis, IN

            I’m leaning toward overshadowing this year’s game, as your one Super Bowl win came against Rex Grossman. Other than the original Desert Storm invasion of Iraq in 1991, has there ever been a bigger non-Super Bowl related news story during the week leading up to the game? I’ll give any reader who comes up with one a fake prize if you message me with one.

So I’m back in the yellow scivvy, what do you think? – Greg P., Sydney, Australia

            I’m guessing most of you aren’t up to speed on The Wiggles, so let me try to make an analogy that will explain what a big deal it is for the original yellow Wiggle to return. In terms of children’s music, it’s like if Jim Morrison came back from the dead six years after his heroin overdose to sing for The Doors. Greg Page (aka Greg Wiggle) is a big f***ing deal (we’ll bleep it because we’re talking about a kid’s group). I didn’t really learn about The Wiggles until my son was born (because you know, it would be pretty strange if I was rocking out to “Hot Potato” while driving around in high school), but it didn’t take long what this guy meant to a lot of kids (and parents) all over the world. Greg left the group in 2006 because of a disorder that basically doesn’t allow enough blood to flow through his body (I always thought Sam Wiggle was a time traveler from the future who came back to poison Greg so he could be the yellow Wiggle), but now he’s back to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and of course, wiggle. 

I have a two-part question. First, is it ok to have a man crush on Tim Tebow? Second, on average, how many puppies do you think Tom Brady kicks in a day? – Colin Tuttle, Bozeman, MT

            Question 1: Michael Vick was (and is still to a few members of the population) a much-admired quarterback who also couldn’t complete a quick slant, so I’m totally cool with anybody on the Tebow bandwagon.
            Question 2: Brady thinks about kicking 100 puppies a day, but Giselle holds him back.

(EDITORS NOTE: “The New York Post” has never been a model of professional journalism, but their “exclusive” breaking of Gisele Bundchen’s private e-mail to friends and family asking for prayers for Brady this Sunday has to rank as one of the dumbest front page stories I’ve ever seen. Is it really news that a wife would ask for support before her husband’s big game? No wonder newspapers are bleeding money)

Is it reasonable for a big-time recruit to have his choice of school be partially swayed by the proximity of a fast food chain? – Dan V., Montpelier, VT

            This question is relevant after linebacker Cassanova McKinzy revealed that one of the reasons he picked Auburn over Clemson was because there wasn’t a Chick-fil-A in sight. As someone who likes Wendy’s and Chili’s way too much, I can’t fault the kid for letting him pick one school over the other for that reason. If I were a big-time college prospect, my ability to efficiently order and eat a Spicy Chicken Sandwich would probably rank second behind the likelihood of ending up in the NFL.   

Should I be bitter about getting dumped by The Wiggles, or grateful for the opportunity I was given? Sam M., Sydney, Australia

            When the news first broke, I would have to say grateful. It would be one thing if you got canned so some random guy to replace you, but there’s no shame in being replaced by the original singer. However, the smear campaign being led by Anthony Wiggle would piss off. Watch this interview to see poor Sam being referred to like he was the janitor at the Wiggles complex.

            I think Charlie Sheen was more prepared for his interviews last spring while sky high on cocaine than Anthony Wiggle was. I can’t wait for ex-Wiggle Sam’s tell all book about how much of a dick Anthony Wiggle was/is. 

Why doesn’t McD's sell hot dogs? – Megan L., Silver Lake, NH

            Ray Kroc, who purchased the brand from the McDonald brothers, stated in his 1976 autobiography that he banned chains from carrying hot dogs because he felt they were unhygenic (because you know, a Double-Quarter Pounder with Cheese is). McDonald’s restaurants in the UK, Japan, and Toronto have carried hot dogs at various times over the years, but they have followed the word of their most important executive with their locations in the U.S. since his death in 1981.  

Are the starters for the NBA All-Star Game further proof that the general public shouldn’t be allowed to vote for anything? – Finn, Bismark, ND

            Great question. Let’s review each one starting with the Eastern Conference, grading each selection on a 1 to 10 scale.

PG: Derrick Rose, Bulls – The defending MVP is having another MVP-type season despite dealing with turf toe. Grade = 10

SG: Dwyane Wade, Heat – He’s been banged up, but this pick is defensible because there has been no other 2-guard even close to him in the East. Grade = 9

SF: Lebron James, Heat – 30, 8, and 7 on 55% shooting is ridiculous. If it weren’t for the national media bias against him, he’d be the clear favorite for league MVP. Grade = 10

PF: Carmelo Anthony, Knicks – Voted in because of name alone, Anthony should’ve been passed over for Chris Bosh. Can’t believe I just typed that last sentence, but it’s 100% true. Grade = 3

C: Dwight Howard, Magic – Howard still dominates despite being surrounded by constant trade rumors and sub-par teammates. Grade = 10

Now for the West…

PG: Chris Paul, Clippers – The quarterback of Lob City, Paul has delivered the goods for the Clipers. Grade = 10

SG: Kobe Bryant, Lakers – Kobe’s scoring average is only 0.3 higher than Lebrons, but the degree of difficulty for Kobe to get his 30 points is three times higher. It’s amazing what he’s doing at his age. Grade = 10

SF: Kevin Durant, Thunder – His scoring is down, but his overall stat-line is up across the board. Grade = 10

PF: Blake Griffin, Clippers – I heart Griffin, but this is the most egregious mistake the fans made. Kevin Love is average 27 and 14, while also shooting almost 40% from 3. Stats don’t lie. Love should’ve been the pick here. Grade = 1

C: Andrew Bynum, Lakers – You could make a decent case that LaMarcus Aldridge (who isn’t a true center) could’ve filled this spot, but Bynum’s breakout season is worthy of an All-Star start. Grade = 9

            All in all the fans did a decent job. Score one for democracy.     

So I threw in an extended break during practice to try to simulate the Super Bowl halftime. Further proof I’m a genius right? – Bill B., Foxboro, MA

            I guess so, but I’ll be more impressed if you figure out a way to remove the horseshoe out of Eli Manning’s ass. 

I would like to formally request some No Credentials thoughts on this Lee Evans catch/no catch/should have reviewed the play/didn’t need to debacle. Personally, I think it was probably worth reviewing, although I don’t think that it was a catch according to the new rule. I think he sealed his fate by trying to keep taking steps instead of just falling to the ground and holding on for dear life. Also, I know I’m not alone on this, but I think Harbaugh sealed Cundiff’s fate by not calling a time out. Why lose a game with a time out left? Why make your kicker run out on to the field and rush through a kick that important? Either way I’m not too excited about this Super Bowl match up as a Patriots fan I can tell you that. – Mike S., Keene, NH

            I had no problem with that catch not getting reviewed. Both of his feet hit the ground after his hands were on the ball, but I don’t think he established clear possession before Sterling Moore knocked the ball out (quick aside, not nearly enough credit has gone to Moore for that play. A lot of DBs would have just tried to tackle him instead of punch the ball out. Cowboys corner Terrance Newman would’ve already fallen down at the five yard line before this pass was thrown, but that’s another topic of discussion).

I’ll give 65% of the blame to Harbaugh, Cundiff 30%, and whoever was operating the scoreboard at Gillette Stadium 5% (remember that the scoreboard was showing it was third down when it was actually fourth, which apparently is part of the reason why Cundiff was so confused). A NFL kicker should have the presence of mind to kick a relativly short field goal in rushed circumstances, but it’s pretty pathetic that a rushed kicked could’ve been prevented by a timeout. They didn’t even snap the ball until there was only one second left on the playclock. Harbaugh makes a lot of money to manage situations just like that.

You cool with Les Miles mocking an eighteen year old kid? – Steve A., Pittsboro, IN

I normally support the turf-eating coach, but can’t back him up here. For Christsake, the kid is 18 years old! To turn a kid just barely old enough to vote into a punch-line at your alumni dinner (aka: gathering of grumpy, ignorant, and delusional old men) is moraly deplorable.

Coming from a Pats fan, are you as tired as I am of hearing about Gronk? – Kyle H., Sacremento, CA

Coming from someone who isn’t a Pats fan, I am tired about hearing about Rob Gronkowski’s ankle. However, it’s not Super Bowl week if the media doesn’t beat one or two stories into the ground. At least this one is related to the game (unlike the Peyton Manning saga). Also, if Gronk is ineffective (which No Credentials predicts will not be the case), the Patriots have no chance of winning. So it is a big deal.

Paula Deen. Paula Deen. Paula Deen. Where do I start? I'm not a Paula fan, and this question is not intended to show my affection or lack of it. Is PD a healthy cooking chef? No. Is she entertaining? To some. Should her show be removed from television because of what and how she cooks most likely caused her health problems? Is there anything wrong with making "a" cupcake with 2 sticks of butter, 5 lbs of sugar and a gallon of whole milk? Why not chicken fry a steak, pour the fat into a shot glass, take a hit and chase it down with a 12 oz glass of maple syrup? We are Americans. I personally had the luxury to defend this great nation. The fat, thin, healthy, sick, rich, poor, disabled, able, fucking stupid, and insanely intelligent. Watch any sporting event and you WILL see a beer ad. What happens if we later find out that one of the actors was an alcoholic? Can he no longer make beer commercials? Now what about the Cialis commercials? He's got a problem, admits to it, goes on TV and talks about it, and yet his broken penis won't get his face time pulled. So I ask you this...if some fat, rebel flag waving, puts her dentures in lard at night and her definition of eating pork is eating the entire swine, should have her program removed because its not healthy? Maybe if she had a more acceptable problem like Mr. Cialis (who may or may not have abused his penis while alone or with others) she might still have the dignity that we are trying to take away. I say, let the fat lady sing (cook while televised), you? – Ryan B., Kearsarge, NH

After that magnificent rant, I’ll keep my reply short and simply say that I concur.

Before we get to my Super Bowl pick, here’s some prop bets that I like that I’m sure will lose.

First score of the game will be Any Other Score (+155)

Longest touchdown of the game will be Over 49.5 Yards (-115)
No team (+130) will score 3 straight times without other team scoring
New York’s total rushing yards will be Under 107.5 (-115)
Eli Manning Over 2.5 Rushing Yards (-120)
Hakeem Nicks Over 85.5 Receiver Yards (-130)
Tom Brady Will Not Throw an Interception (+115)
Ben-Jarvis Green-Ellis Over 47.5 Rushing Yards (-115)
Danny Woodhead Will Score a Touchdown (+300)
Wes Welker Over 81.5 Receiving Yards (-115)
Deion Branch Over 40.5 Receiving Yards (-115)
Deion Branch Over 3 Receptions (Even)
Wes Welker will have More Receptions Than Free Throws Attempted By Lebron James (-115)
Victor Cruz will have More Receptions Than Combined Goals By Rangers and Flyers (-115)
Super Bowl MVP will Thank His Teammates First During Award Acceptance Speech (+200)

Now for the moment everyone (okay, no one actually) has been waiting for, the official No Credentials Super Bowl XLVI pick…

Patriots (-3) over Giants

I don’t hate another NFL franchise more than I hate the New York Giants, so perhaps this pick is biased, but I don’t care. You pick the Patriots in this game if you believe in things like “Tom Brady can’t lose two Super Bowls to Eli Manning”, or “I want to bet against the most over-confident 9-7 team that needed to win it’s last game of the regular season to make the playoffs”. I think Gronkowski plays, and he plays well. I expect Eli Manning to turn it over at least two times. Lastly, I expect Robert Kraft to lift the Lombardi Trophy in honor of his wife Myra.

New England 30, New York 21