Here’s the
second (and hopefully final) installment of “What No Credentials Missed While
He Was Traveling For His Real Job” (that’s not what I called it the first time,
but then again, I put my son’s diaper on backwards this morning, so I’ve been
having a rough go of it lately).
On I’ll Have Another Skipping the Belmont Because of Injury…
I
was as bummed out as anyone when the news that I’ll Have Another would not race broke.
Avid readers of this blog (all six of you) will recall that No Credentials won
a bunch of money off of this horse in the Kentucky Derby, thanks to the most accurate selection system of a winning horse
ever known to man. I’d feel worse, but one has to remember that I.H.A. will
spend the rest of its life banging women (is that an appropriate way to refer
to a female horse?) in an attempt to produce another super horse. Life won’t
suck for I’ll Have Another.
On the NBA Finals…
This year’s Finals looks like it will go the
distance. We’re lucky to have a series featuring the best two players in the
NBA.
On Shaun White Skipping This Year’s X Games…
I don’t give a shit.
On Prometheus…
Haven’t seen it yet, but I don’t think I need to. 75%
of the movie was shown in Coors Light commercials.
On the Los Angeles Kings…
Watching
the Kings eviscerate the Devils Monday night,
it was easy to wonder how this team was only an eighth seed in the Western
Conference. Jarrett Stoll, Dustin Penner, and Willie Mitchell are the only key
contributors slated for unrestricted free agency next season, and they have a
solid trade chip in back-up goalie Jonathan Bernier, who needless to say, is
expendable. With Jonathan Quick locked up for years to come, the Kings should
be perennial Stanley Cup contenders for the foreseeable future.
On Juan Gonzalez Smacking Two Home Runs Against the Tigers…
Oh
wait, this happened in TECMO. Coming soon will be the No Credentials TECMO
Super Baseball Fantasy Baseball Draft (that’s right, I did a mock draft for a
video game that came out nearly two decades ago. This is a good time to mention
that I was somehow able to produce a son).
On Matt Cain Throwing the Second Perfect Game of 2012…
10. Kerry Wood Strikes Out a Dude, Then Retires Wood’s
decision to retire after a strikeout is one of the
coolest baseball stories of the past decade. Call me crazy, but I think he took
a page out of the George Costanza playbook in deciding to leave on a high note.
9. Jimmie Johnson Wins All-Star Race
Thanks
to the ill-fated format change (on paper rewarding winners of each segment with
a prime starting spot for the final 10 laps wasn’t a horrendous idea, except
for once Jimmie Johnson won the first segment, he had no reason to drive hard
for the next 60 laps), this race will go down as the most hated All-Star race in history.
To erase any ill will created by Saturday night’s debacle, here’s the classic
finish of “One Hot Night”, the first Motorsports race run under the lights on a
super-speedway.
7. Lebron and Wade Combine For 70 Points to Lead Miami to
Game 4 Win
Apparently
it took a desperate situation to bring out the best in Miami’s dynamic duo.
In a series where Indiana now probably has the 3rd-10th
best players, they’ll need to carry their momentum into Game 5.
6. Strasburg Ks 8 in Five Innings, Also Hits a Home Run
There isn’t a hotter team in the NBA than the
oldest team in the NBA not named the Boston Celtics.
4.Celtics Blow 15-Point Lead, Let 76ers Even
Series
Thankfully,
Boston got their act together in Game 5.
3. Papelbon Records Save in First Career Appearance
Against Red Sox
After
their former closer (who apparently Boston couldn’t afford because you know,
they don’t have much money or anything) shut them down in an embarrassing loss, it
was imperative for Boston to sweep the weekend games.
2.I’ll Have Another Wins Another Race
I wish I could take as much credit for I’ll Have
Another’s success in the Preakness like I did with the Kentucky Derby, but I
waffled a little bit and threw him and Bodemiester in a two horse parlay (which
won, thank you very much). No Credentials will be cheering I.H.A. on when he
attempts to win the first Triple Crown in 34 years at the Belmont.
1.Durant Buries The Lakers, Thunder Take 3-1
Series Lead
If
not for some shady calls by refs Friday night, we’d be talking about an
Oklahoma City sweep. Kevin Durant is clearly the best player in this series (his
effectiveness on the defensive end appears to be growing with every game), and
Russell Westbrook is making a case that he’s the second. There battle with the
Spurs in the Western Conference Finals will be one for the ages.
As usual, these may or may not be actual messages
from real or fake people.
Assuming that
the Mayans are on to something, what are the best signs that the end of days
will be upon us soon? – Edgar, Lynn, MA
Here’s two clear events that might lead you to
plan you finances so you have $0 in your bank account on December 21st,
2012.
2. Kanye West
dating Kim Kardashian – If these two create offspring, we’re dead. We’re all
DEAD.
1. Dick Clark
died – Assuming that the Mayans are right, I’m guessing this conversation
happened shortly before Clark passed away.
God: It’s your
time.
Clark: I can’t
leave yet! That’ll leave Seacrest all alone on New Year’s Eve. He’ll ruin the
show! God: The world is
going to explode 10 days before New Year’s Eve this year. You won’t have to
worry about that. Clark: Well if
that’s the case, can I listen to Robert Johnson in Heaven? God: You can
download him on Lord-Tunes, but you can’t see him live. He went straight to
Hell.
So Mariano
Rivera is indestructable for parts of 3 decades, but his replacement can’t even
stay upright for two weeks? Tony, Riverhead, NY
Whenever an unusually durable athlete does down to
an injury, the replacement always goes down with an ailment of his own shortly
after. A similar thing happened when Brett Favre’s consecutive games streak
came to an end in 2010. Tavaris “The Virus” Jackson tore a knee ligament the
next week.
(EDITORS NOTE: In
a year that MLB instituted a second wildcard in an attempt to insure that the
Yankees and Red Sox make the playoffs, isn’t it funny that the odds of both
squads making it this year are very low? Both team's bullpens are suspect.
Boston’s starting pitching has been inconsistent, while New York’s aging
offense has been sputtering (with the exception of Derek Jeter, who figured out
that ditching Minka Kelly was the key to restoring his power stroke). The only
saving grace for both teams has been the struggles of the Angels, who No
Credentials predicted would be a shoe-in for one of the two Wildcard spots (I’m
not giving up on them yet. It’s still way to early to count out any team,
assuming they don’t play in Kansas City, Minnesota, Seattle, Oakland, Houston,
Chicago, or San Diego), are five games under .500 at the time of this writing.
Justin Bieber
says he has “had a beer”. What brand do you think it was? Tasha, Harrison, ME
What a great question. Let’s rank the top-5
candidates in reverse order.
5.Mike’s Hard Lemonade
4.Molson Canadian (he's from Canada after all) 3. Smirnoff
Triple Raspberry Lemon Shake w/hint of Pineapple (guessing this is a custom
beverage Smirnoff made for the Bieb) 2. Skyy Blue 1. Labatt Blue
Who do you
have winning the Preakness? – Abigail, Red Rock, TX
I want to stay loyal to I’ll Have Another, but
facing a small field with very few sprinters, Bodemiester should have an easier
go of it. He won’t need to try to set a land-speed record in the first half of
the race, and should have plenty left in the tank coming down the stretch.
Still trying
to wrap my head around how Chris Bosh makes such a huge difference for the
Miami Heat. Sam, Epping, NH
Anyone that knows anything about basketball would
never argue that Chris Bosh is the second best player on the Miami Heat.
However, one could make a case that he’s the second most valuable player
the Heat have. The similar skill sets of Lebron James and Dwyane Wade make it
hard for them to function together in the same play (unless it’s a fast break).
More often than not, one of them gets the ball at the top of the key and runs a
pick-and-roll with a Miami big (when healthy, that big would be Bosh) while the
other stands on the side and watches from the 3-point line. With Bosh out,
whoever is setting the screen for James/Wade is not a consistent threat to
score in a pick-and-roll. This allows the opposing big men to clog the lane and
shut down drives to the basket. Miami’s half-court offense has morphed into the
basketball equivalent of a poop sandwich without Bosh. The secret to solving this problem?
Run James and Wade in the pick and roll together (if Lebron bitches about
playing the 4, tell him to shut the fuck up), surround them with Chalmers and
whichever stiff you want to plug in at small forward (I’ll vote for Shane
Battier over Mike Miller and James Jones) on the wings, with Joel Anthony on
the backside to hit the offensive glass (not that he could catch an offensive
rebound, he’s much more likely to fumble it out of bounds). The most likely
outcomes of running this offense would be a drive to the basket or a wide open
3. Let’s make sure Coach Spo doesn’t see this paragraph until the Heat are
eliminated by the Pacers.
How much do
you have to like hockey to give a shit about Kings-Coyotes? – Ed, Manchester,
VT
I’ll grade myself a slightly above average fan of
hockey (I play fantasy hockey, that earns me the above average tag), and I’m
struggling to care about this one. Anything involving Phoenix makes it hard to
take seriously, espeically when you have a throwback match-up in the Eastern
Conference.
Who wins a
fight, Axl Rose or a pissed off Kurt Busch? – George, Hickory, NC
This one would definitly be a lightweight division
battle. Kurt is certainly a volitale personality, but all of his abuse has been
verbal. Axl’s willingness to throw a fist or two gives him the edge.
"Its
black and white". Translation - its obvious, crystal clear,
incontrovertible, fact. I understand the statement. I often use it.
So now I give you my problem (question). Why is it black and white? Is it
because they are equal and exact opposites? If that were the case why would we
not say "its positive and negative" IE battery terminals? And if we
are basing this on black and white being equal and exact opposites we must take
into consideration that black isn't a color and as we all know white is. ( We
could debate that statement until I was blue and you were red in the face) Or
is it because we look at it like words on a page? Something written in a
"matter of fact" way? If this is the case, could we say "blue
(ink) and yellow (paper)"? Walk into any Staples and shop around the Post
It and Sharpie section and we might be saying "Its pecker pink and pumpkin
orange". But maybe that wouldn't have the impact the user was looking for.
And what if your colorblind? I guess
in that case white, blue, black or yellow don't apply. Ultimately Wrench, what
I'm asking is why is it "black and white". And please don't tell me
its obvious, crystal clear, incontrovertible or fact. – Ryan B., Kearsarge, NH I think
there were 16 questions in the previous two paragraphs. For fear of drifting
too far into a gray area, we’ll let the question stand on it’s own. Until next
time…
10. Eric McClure is Still With Us If
McClure’s crash in Saturday’s Nationwide Series event at Talladega had happened
in 2000 instead of 2012, he would be dead. Yet another reminder of
how important the safety improvements in Motorsports has been.
9. Shaq Gets His Degree
If
getting his degree gets him one step closer to leaving the TV set with Charles
Barkley, I’m all for Shaq earning the title of “Doctor”.
8. Thunder Sweep Mavericks
It’s
not often you get to see two rosters on totally different long term tracks face
off in a playoff series. Dallas essentially punted 2012, clearing enough cap
space to make a run at both Dwight Howard and Deron Williams in the off-season.
Unfortunately for them, Howard elected to remain under contract for one more
season, and now Dallas might not be attractive enough (only Dirk Nowitzki and
Jason Kidd are under contract for next season) to warrant Deron Williams giving
up more money to bolt Brooklyn. Oklahoma City on the other hand, looks like an
emerging super power. When James Harden plays the way he did in Game 4 against
the Mavericks, the
Thunder are unstoppable.
Has
there been a quicker change of identity by a NHL team
than what the Capitals have pulled off the past year? They’ve gone from being a
high scoring, up-and down attack to a style that isn’t far off of the dreaded
trap used by the New Jersey Devils in the 1990s. What they’ve done so far
against the top two seeds in the East is remarkable.
4. Knicks Finally Win a Playoff Game
You
have to give Amar’e Stoudemire some credit. After doing something incredibly
dumb (punching a glass fire extinguisher case qualifies as “incredibly dumb” in
my book), it would’ve been easy for him to disappear while his team was swept
out of the playoffs by a superior Heat squad. Stoudemire went the other way,
playing with heavy padding on his left hand and giving the Knicks a huge lift
in the first quarter. Miami is probably going to slaughter the Knicks Wednesday
night, but this win at least gives New York fans some hope that a Carmelo-Stoudemire pairing can be successful.
My
attachment to I’ll Have Another started thanks to a blog post where my main
objectives were to make fun of every horse’s name and find a horse to waste a
$20 bet on. It resulted in the greatest random gambling
moment in the history of No Credentials. Here’s the video, followed by a
breakdown of what No Credentials was thinking during each segment of the race.
0:00-0:34 = One of the few things I understand
about horse racing is that a good start is crucial. Starting in post position
19 (the second slot from the left on screen), if I.H.A. got buried behind 10
horses it was over. Fortunately, he didn’t get mired in the pack, and had a
nice little space of his own through the first turn.
0:35-0:59 = I.H.A. is cruising on the tail end of the
mid-pack while Bodemiester is setting a blistering pace. Not sure why
Bodemiester’s jockey was pushing him so hard early. Maybe he had a hot date. At
this point my wife thought I’ll Have Another was done, but I was optimistic.
“The horse that leads early never wins,” I said. You’d almost swear that I knew
things about horses.
1:00-1:40 = I’ll Have Another makes his move, weaving
through four different horses to place himself in second as they turned for
home. I was stunned that by ridiculous $20 bet (with 12/1 odds!) actually had a
chance of hitting.
1:41-1:49 = Here’s some dialogue from the Muir home at this
point in the race.
My Wife = “He’s too far behind.”
No Credentials = “He’s coming.”
My
son, perplexed as to why Daddy would be screaming about horses, finally figured
out that all the commotion was a good thing and started throwing in some little “WHOO!”s for
good measure. Screw football. Horse racing is the new favorite sport of No
Credentials.
Amazingly,
my Sportsbook account still has a fair amount of cash in it (almost 3 times more
than the initial investment, thank you very much), which has now given me a
chance to cross an item off of my gambling bucket list…wagering on the Kentucky
Derby. Ever since missing the race when I was 12 or 13 because I had to go to
the bathroom (that’s no joke, I got up from the living room near the end of a
commercial break, and when I came back, the winning horse was galloping into
turn 1 after crossing the finish line) I’ve had a fascination with the event.
Friend of the blog Mike Stevens and I watched together as Eight Belles
tragically collapsed after she finished second in 2008. We paid tribute to her
the rest of the evening (by paying tribute I mean, we said a few words and then
had a Jagerbomb four or five times). I wish I had more of a back-story about my
fascination with the Kentucky Derby, but that’s all I got. Today I’m
publishing the thought process behind which horse I will bet $20 on. Three
factors determined the horse I will endorse (hey that rhymed!).
The
horse has to have a cool name. Kind of like pro athletes and actors, if
the horse doesn’t have a name, he doesn’t have a game.
I want
some good odds. Especially this year, where most experts are saying that
as many as ten horses have a great chance to win, it’s best to get some
good odds on your investment. For example, a $20 bet on Bodemiester will
net you an $80 win, while a $20 bet on El Padrino will get you $400.
If a
horse covers the first two bases, I needed to find at least one writer
on-line who thought that horse could win.
Now that you know the in-exact science behind my
selections, let’s look at each of the 20 horses that will run tomorrow.
20. Liaison (50/1)
I’m
not prepared to wager on a horse whose name means “a means to maintain
communication”. What a stupid name for a horse.
19. Done Talking (50/1)
This
name would be much more fitting for a classic Carrie Underwood man-hating power
ballad than a Kentucky Derby winner.
18. Sabercat (30/1)
On
one hand, I’d like to rank a horse named
after an arena football team higher. On the other, couldn’t
they have at least named it after a Double-A baseball team? You could talk me
into betting on “Sea Dog”.
17. Trinniberg (50/1)
I
wasn’t able to find the origin of Trinniberg’s name within 35 seconds, but I’m
guessing it has to do with something German. I have nothing against Germans,
just thought I would note it.
16. Optimizer (50/1)
Was
this horse named by an eight year old?
15. Rousing Sermon (50/1)
Rousing
Sermon would be at least 20/1 if its name had something to do with Tim Tebow.
I’d plunk some cash on a horse named “Errant Throw” without hesitation.
14. Went The Day Well (20/1)
A
horse with four words in its name has never won the Kentucky Derby (look it up here if you don’t believe me),
so if you planned on betting on Went The Day Well, save yourself some time and
set your money on fire.
13. Hansen (10/1)
I’m
not betting on any horse whose name is loosely associated with this band.
12. Daddy Nose Best (15/1)
Naming a racehorse with a pun
should be considered a major misuse of a resource.
11. Daddy Long Legs (30/1)
I
guess it’s cool to have two horses whose name starts with “Daddy” in the same
race. It wasn’t a wise move to name a horse after a spider. I could think of an
ark’s worth of animals that are faster than spiders. Daddy Long Legs doesn’t
have a chance Saturday.
10. Alpha (15-1)
Alpha
is the only horse in the field that will be running for 25% of our galaxy
(there’s a reference for all
three “Star Trek” nerds that read this blog). His success
will hinge on how well he handles that burden.
9. El Padrino (20/1)
El
Padrino was a nickname for Pablo Escobar; a Colombian cocaine dealer who Forbes
Magazine estimated was the seventh richest man on Earth in the late-80s.
The owners of this horse should’ve played it safe and named him “Big Papi”
instead.
8. Creative Cause (12/1)
To
fully capitalize on a name like this, the jockey better have “Save the Whales”
plastered all over his back.
7. Gemologist (6/1)
Can
you picture a horse grading the quality of diamonds? Me
neither, which makes this stupid name that much more fun. Here are some other
cool careers that you could name a horse after.
Is
the name of this horse paying homage to Indianapolis Motor Speedway? Peyton
Manning? Reggie Miller? Bob Knight? Leaving the state of Indiana for a second,
Indiana Jones? I demand answers.
5. Bodemiester (4/1)
I
can’t cheer for a horse that is owned by…
…this asshole
4. Prospective (30/1)
I
support any and all forms of prospecting (whether it be in relation to
business, real estate, dating, ect.), so I’m a fan of the name. Also,
Prospective has won 4 of its last 6 races. Even though he’s not my number one
choice, Prospective is my favorite long shot winner. No Credentials will
probably drop $5 on him just for kicks.
3. Dullahan (8/1)
Named
after a headless Irish fairy, Dullahan’s trainers claim that even if he is in
last place coming off of the first turn, he could still win the race. I’ll let
the world know that Dullahan was firmly entrenched in the number one spot on
this list until I found out that a fairy is involved in his name origin
(another reminder, this blog is called No Credentials for a reason).
2. Union Rags (4.5/1) Here’s
my wife’s pick to win. Her interest in this horse may or may not be related to
a slang term for the menstrual cycle.
1. I’ll Have Another (12/1)
Flashbacks
to nights of consuming multiple Jagerbombs and Budweisers drew me to this horse
immediately. Also, assorted web pages give I.H.A. a good chance to win. So
here’s the “No Credentials Horse That We’ll Blow $20 On” for 2012, I’ll Have
Another. If you don’t have a dog in the fight, do us a favor and pull for him
Saturday.
