Waiting For the World to End, Volume 2: My Favorite Apocalypses

            In reverse order, I rank what my favorite ways of ending the world would be.

Nuclear Holocaust

            This would be the most embarrassing, as human hands would bring the end of the world.  

Errant Passes By New York Jets’ Quarterbacks

            Is it possible that we could get concussed to death? The plucky trio of Sanchez-Tebow-McElroy would be the ideal candidates to attempt it.

Alien Invasion

            A bunch of spaceships appearing in orbit would be fun for about two minutes, until they started frying us with advanced weaponry. For grins and giggles, here’s a list within the list showing what would be my favorite alien invaders.

5. Martians, “Mars Attacks!”

4.The Galactic Empire, “Star Wars”

3. The aliens from “Independence Day”

2. Xenomorph, “Alien” franchise

1. The Borg, “Star Trek” 

A Kanye-Kardashian Fetus

            Odds are high that this fetus would morph into a black hole, sucking all life into it.

Zombie Outbreak

            Enough people in this country play “Call of Duty”, so maybe we’ll have enough trained citizens to eventually survive a zombie apocalypse.

Justin Bieber/Taylor Swift Duet Album

            All of the anguish over botched relationships by these two dimwits would surely create enough bad vibes to shift a tectonic plate or two.

Sun Going Supernova, Vaporizing the Earth

            No one would survive, but it would be painless. At least, I think it would (nerds correct me if I’m wrong!).

Polar Shift Resulting in an Ice Age

            Couldn’t we all just wear a jacket?
 

If you missed Volume 1, click here.

No Credentials "Mailbag" 5-18-12

            As usual, these may or may not be actual messages from real or fake people.

Assuming that the Mayans are on to something, what are the best signs that the end of days will be upon us soon? – Edgar, Lynn, MA

            Here’s two clear events that might lead you to plan you finances so you have $0 in your bank account on December 21^st, 2012.

2. Kanye West dating Kim Kardashian – If these two create offspring, we’re dead. We’re all DEAD.

1. Dick Clark died – Assuming that the Mayans are right, I’m guessing this conversation happened shortly before Clark passed away.

God: It’s your time.

Clark: I can’t leave yet! That’ll leave Seacrest all alone on New Year’s Eve. He’ll ruin the show!
God: The world is going to explode 10 days before New Year’s Eve this year. You won’t have to worry about that.
Clark: Well if that’s the case, can I listen to Robert Johnson in Heaven?
God: You can download him on Lord-Tunes, but you can’t see him live. He went straight to Hell.

So Mariano Rivera is indestructable for parts of 3 decades, but his replacement can’t even stay upright for two weeks? Tony, Riverhead, NY

            Whenever an unusually durable athlete does down to an injury, the replacement always goes down with an ailment of his own shortly after. A similar thing happened when Brett Favre’s consecutive games streak came to an end in 2010. Tavaris “The Virus” Jackson tore a knee ligament the next week.

(EDITORS NOTE: In a year that MLB instituted a second wildcard in an attempt to insure that the Yankees and Red Sox make the playoffs, isn’t it funny that the odds of both squads making it this year are very low? Both team's bullpens are suspect. Boston’s starting pitching has been inconsistent, while New York’s aging offense has been sputtering (with the exception of Derek Jeter, who figured out that ditching Minka Kelly was the key to restoring his power stroke). The only saving grace for both teams has been the struggles of the Angels, who No Credentials predicted would be a shoe-in for one of the two Wildcard spots (I’m not giving up on them yet. It’s still way to early to count out any team, assuming they don’t play in Kansas City, Minnesota, Seattle, Oakland, Houston, Chicago, or San Diego), are five games under .500 at the time of this writing.

Justin Bieber says he has “had a beer”. What brand do you think it was? Tasha, Harrison, ME

            What a great question. Let’s rank the top-5 candidates in reverse order.

5.  Mike’s Hard Lemonade

4.  Molson Canadian (he's from Canada after all)
3. Smirnoff Triple Raspberry Lemon Shake w/hint of Pineapple (guessing this is a custom beverage Smirnoff made for the Bieb)
2. Skyy Blue
1. Labatt Blue

Who do you have winning the Preakness? – Abigail, Red Rock, TX

            I want to stay loyal to I’ll Have Another, but facing a small field with very few sprinters, Bodemiester should have an easier go of it. He won’t need to try to set a land-speed record in the first half of the race, and should have plenty left in the tank coming down the stretch. 

Still trying to wrap my head around how Chris Bosh makes such a huge difference for the Miami Heat. Sam, Epping, NH

            Anyone that knows anything about basketball would never argue that Chris Bosh is the second best player on the Miami Heat. However, one could make a case that he’s the second most valuable player the Heat have. The similar skill sets of Lebron James and Dwyane Wade make it hard for them to function together in the same play (unless it’s a fast break). More often than not, one of them gets the ball at the top of the key and runs a pick-and-roll with a Miami big (when healthy, that big would be Bosh) while the other stands on the side and watches from the 3-point line. With Bosh out, whoever is setting the screen for James/Wade is not a consistent threat to score in a pick-and-roll. This allows the opposing big men to clog the lane and shut down drives to the basket. Miami’s half-court offense has morphed into the basketball equivalent of a poop sandwich without Bosh.
            The secret to solving this problem? Run James and Wade in the pick and roll together (if Lebron bitches about playing the 4, tell him to shut the fuck up), surround them with Chalmers and whichever stiff you want to plug in at small forward (I’ll vote for Shane Battier over Mike Miller and James Jones) on the wings, with Joel Anthony on the backside to hit the offensive glass (not that he could catch an offensive rebound, he’s much more likely to fumble it out of bounds). The most likely outcomes of running this offense would be a drive to the basket or a wide open 3. Let’s make sure Coach Spo doesn’t see this paragraph until the Heat are eliminated by the Pacers.      

How much do you have to like hockey to give a shit about Kings-Coyotes? – Ed, Manchester, VT

            I’ll grade myself a slightly above average fan of hockey (I play fantasy hockey, that earns me the above average tag), and I’m struggling to care about this one. Anything involving Phoenix makes it hard to take seriously, espeically when you have a throwback match-up in the Eastern Conference.

Who wins a fight, Axl Rose or a pissed off Kurt Busch? – George, Hickory, NC

            This one would definitly be a lightweight division battle. Kurt is certainly a volitale personality, but all of his abuse has been verbal. Axl’s willingness to throw a fist or two gives him the edge.

"Its black and white". Translation - its obvious, crystal clear, incontrovertible, fact. I understand the statement. I often use it.

           So now I give you my problem (question). Why is it black and white? Is it because they are equal and exact opposites? If that were the case why would we not say "its positive and negative" IE battery terminals? And if we are basing this on black and white being equal and exact opposites we must take into consideration that black isn't a color and as we all know white is. ( We could debate that statement until I was blue and you were red in the face) Or is it because we look at it like words on a page? Something written in a "matter of fact" way? If this is the case, could we say "blue (ink) and yellow (paper)"? Walk into any Staples and shop around the Post It and Sharpie section and we might be saying "Its pecker pink and pumpkin orange". But maybe that wouldn't have the impact the user was looking for.
          And what if your colorblind? I guess in that case white, blue, black or yellow don't apply. Ultimately Wrench, what I'm asking is why is it "black and white". And please don't tell me its obvious, crystal clear, incontrovertible or fact. – Ryan B., Kearsarge, NH
          I think there were 16 questions in the previous two paragraphs. For fear of drifting too far into a gray area, we’ll let the question stand on it’s own. Until next time…

No Credentials "Mailbag" 9/23/11

            Good friend of the blog Ryan Brooks sent me this message via Facebook after I posted my Chase preview.

Answer my question dick.

            I guess it’s time for a No Credentials Mailbag. As always, these are real or fake questions from real or fake readers.

            What will I do when twelve-year-old girls don’t like me anymore? – Justin B., London, Ontario, Canada

            Hopefully you’ll fall so far out of the public eye that when your name randomly comes up in conversation ten years from now, people will wonder if you fell off the face of the Earth.
 
            Did Wade Phillips take over the Kansas City Chiefs while no one was looking? – Jason B., San Antonio, TX
            Wade’s doing a solid job as the Texans defensive coordinator so far (although playing the Colts and Dolphins weren’t exactly tough tests, we’ll see how Wade and the Texans’ defense fairs against New Orleans Sunday). It does appear that Todd Haley has taken a page out of the Wade Phillips 2010 playbook. The team is decimated by injuries, but that doesn’t excuse the lack of effort during the first two weeks. Haley is either actively trying to get fired or he’s been given orders to tank so Kansas City can get Andrew Luck. Speaking of Luck, here is the list of teams that appear to have a great shot at securing the number on pick in the 2012 NFL Draft.

Chiefs

Colts
Dolphins
49ers
Seahawks

            When did No Credentials become a straight NFL blog? What the hell? – Maria C., Saratoga, NY

            Sorry Maria, but baseball is boring, the NBA is in the middle of lockout (with no end in sight), I know you don’t want me to write about NASCAR (I can see my page views), NHL isn’t cranked up yet, Tiger Woods hasn’t started hooking up with porn stars so he can revive his golf career, I’m not home during the day enough to follow the Premier League, and it’s to damn hard to type a “j” after a “d” to talk about tennis. So you’re stuck with a whole lot of football talk.

            Can you estimate how many parties we left early in high school to go home and play Madden? – Ethan H., North Conway, NH

            I’ll set the over/under at 40. Note to all you kids out there that get yelled at by your parents because you play too much Madden. Just tell them that you could be out drinking and getting in trouble instead. I know my liver would’ve been much happier if I stayed home more often.

            I always knew I was a decent quarterback, but I didn’t realize I was that good until watching Kerry Collins start the first two games for the Colts. – Peyton M., Indianapolis, IN

            It’s insane how different the Colts look without Manning. This was literally the only team in the history of the NFL that built its defense around their quarterback (Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis are built to rush the passer after their offense has given them a lead, not to stop the run in a tight game). It’s going to be a long year for the Colts.
            Jumping off of that idea, what happens if Indianapolis ends up with the top pick in the draft? Could Indianapolis get a better package if they traded Peyton Manning, or if they traded the rights to Andrew Luck? Herm Edwards will be out of action on ESPN for a while with an exploded skull if this happens.

            Hey man I’m a 19-year old college student at BU. I work at a local grocery store for beer money. The other day this fairly attractive lady came through my checkout line. She paid by check, so I had to see her license, and it turned out she was 57 years old.
            To make a long story short (and to pay homage to Bill Clinton), would it of been appropriate for me to engage in sexual relations with this woman, and if not, what are my guidelines in terms of what ages I can hook-up with? – Jackson D., Brighton, MA
            Social guideline questions…I don’t get enough of these! Here are my standard rules for both sexes if you find yourself in the clutches of a cougar (or a youngster).

18-52 = Fair Game. Adjust this number up or down based on the ratio of the opposite sex that is in the area you live in. For example, if you are a male in Alaska, go ahead and bump that top end number up to 60.

Once you hit the age of 38, add fifteen years to your limit. So if you’re 49, you’re good to go with someone who is 64.

Once you are 60, there is no top end restriction. 60-120 is all the same in the world of No Credentials.

              Can we expect to see an in-depth NHL preview? Preseason just started yesterday. – Luc P., Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada

            Wasn’t planning on it, but since the NBA is actively trying to destroy all the good will they built up last season, I do plan on flinging together a quick NHL preview within the next week or so. As long as there is no professional basketball, there will be plenty of hockey commentary throughout the season.

Give me the winner of the major MLB player awards this year and a one-sentence explanation of why that player deserves it. – Amy K., Cleveland, OH

            Haven’t watched enough baseball this year, but here’s an uninformed unprofessional writers opinion.

NL MVP = Ryan Braun, OF, Brewers – Not a sexy choice because Prince Fielder is also on the team, but Braun is one of the top all-around players in the game.

NL Cy Young = Clayton Kershaw, SP, Dodgers – Kershaw has thrived despite the mess around him in Los Angeles.

AL MVP and AL Cy Young = Justin Verlander, SP, Tigers – You can make a case for Jacoby Ellsbury, Curtis Granderson, or Robinson Cano, but Detroit is a fourth place team if Verlander wasn’t pitching for them.

            If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? – Megan L., Silver Lake, NH

            The most logical explanation I could come up with on the web is that the song is about a slave who is celebrating because his master is away. Not a sexy answer, but it seems to be the most reasonable.      

            In your Chase Preview you said Tony Stewart would be lucky to run in the top-15 during the final ten races. He went out and won the first race at Chicago. Defend yourself. – Nicole, Augusta, GA
            To the uninformed reader that it may have looked like No Credentials was way off, but the bottom line is a driver who said himself he had no business being in The Chase stole a gas mileage race. He’ll look good in New Hampshire again this week, but it will be all down hill from there. Remember this paragraph when Stewart is hoisting the trophy in November.

            My girlfriend asked me about for an opinion about Casey Anthony. I said I knew nothing about her story, but thought she was kind of sexy. My girlfriend then quickly became my ex-girlfriend. Thoughts? – Derek E., Walpole, MA

            This question should’ve been in the mailbag two months ago, but unfortunately slipped through the cracks. About the only thing I can think of that women care about disproportionably more then men is the menstrual cycle. That’s it.  

            I can’t help it. I love words and how we can on occasion manipulate them to flow like a cascading waterfall. That flow of water never has and will not apologize for it’s continuous babble. If I smoke, I’d choke down a carton a day with Dice Clay and pick on Carlin for eating broccoli. If I drove a racecar, Goodyear’s profits would make Bill Gates feel poor. If I boxed, Tyson would not only be Van Gogh he would be neutered. Hell if I were banging rocks, Charlie Sheen would HAVE to admit I was winning. So forgive me for my long-winded approach to a seemingly simple question and answer.

              Okay, this rant is almost under control, so if licking on a given item (a Tootsie Pop I believe is its origin), how many licks does it take to get to the center? And once you get there, what is the relevance of the center? – Ryan B., Kearsarge, NH
            You almost lost me at Van Gogh, but I think I have a simple answer for this one (minus the how many licks part. That’s all relative to whatever proverbial Tootsie Pop you happen to be sucking on). Essentially, the relevance of getting to the center is the accomplishment of getting there. Whether your center is completing an important job, graduating college, or simply finishing a Tootsie Pop, it’s the conclusion of the journey that matters.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (2/18-2/20)

10. Justin Bieber Voted MVP of All-Star Celebrity Game

            I caught a few minutes of this game Friday night. At one point, Scottie Pippen blocked a Bieber jump shot without even leaving his feet. Beliebers must have missed that play (the MVP of this game was determined by fan vote. Who knew 13-year-old girls liked celebrity basketball games). 

            To see the epic rejection, click here.

9. Ottawa Senators and Colorado Avalanche Swap Starting Goalies

            I love trades where teams swap mediocre players that play the same position. Colorado shipped Craig Anderson and his 3.28 GAA to Ottawa for Brian Elliott and his 3.19 GAA. Essentially, both teams were so sick of their goalies that they were willing to bring in another crappy goalie to replace them. Anderson did pitch a 47-save shutout in his first game for Ottawa, so perhaps a change of scenery will be good for both of these guys.

8. Tony Stewart Edges Out Clint Bowyer to Win Nationwide Race

            More notable than Stewart edging Bowyer by a bumper was Danica Patrick running up front before eventually finishing 14^th. NASCAR would love nothing more than to see Patrick run well in her 12 Nationwide Series races this season. Good finishes would go a long in way in convincing Patrick to make the jump to NASCAR full-time in 2012.

If you missed the finish, click here.

7. Calgary Flames Destroy Canadians in Heritage Classic

            If an outdoor hockey game happens in Canada, but no one in America knows about it because of the NBA All-Star Game and the Daytona 500, did it really happen? In this case, it did.

            I only caught part of this game on accident while flipping through channels before the NBA All-Star Game. I understand that this event was geared towards Canada (the Canadian teams have been pissy about not being included in the New Year’s Day Winter Classic), but wouldn’t it make a little sense to stage the event on a quieter sports weekend? This morning on ESPN.com, the Heritage Classic was the ninth story listed on their homepage. It would make a ton of sense for the NHL to schedule this sort of event on a weekend with less competition.  

6. Rookies Beat Sophomores Thanks to John Wall

            None of Wall’s record 24 assists were as impressive as this bounce pass to Blake Griffin. Griffin should’ve borrowed Wall to help him out with the dunk contest.

5. New York Knicks Get Desperate in Pursuit for Carmelo Anthony

            New York is reportedly willing to send Danilo Gallinari, Raymond Felton, and Wilson Chandler to Denver in exchange for Carmelo Anthony. In other words, they are willing to part with their second, third, and fourth best players. That’s an awful lot to give up for a guy who scores a ton, but no much else.

4. St. Johns Beats #4 Pittsburgh With Last Second Lay-up

            St. Johns is somehow only 17-9, but it seems like every week they are pulling off a mammoth upset. They already smoked Duke, and this past weekend it was #4 Pittsburgh. I’m pulling for St. Johns to end up as an #8 or #9 seed in the NCAA Tournament so they can pull off a win over a #1 seed in round 2.

3. Blake Griffin Jumps Over a Car, Wins Slam Dunk Contest

            I don’t want to spend too much time ranting about the Dunk Contest, but I need to write a couple of sentences about Serge Ibaka. His first dunk (where video evidence clearly shows he took off a couple of inches behind the foul line) should’ve been scored a 65 out of 50. For him to be given a 45 was ridiculous. Julius Erving (who is credited with being the first man to successfully make a foul-line dunk, but actually took off while his foot was halfway over the line) should’ve walked out on to the court and kissed Ibaka’s shoes.

            Moving on from a stupid rant about a forgotten dunk (if you ever see me at the grocery store, don’t bring it up. It’s still a sore subject), I’ll simply post links to the epic dunks of the night.

           

Serge Ibaka Foul Line Dunk – This video is extra fun because Charles Barkley says “that kid has a great body” about Ibaka like he was talking about Brooklyn Decker.

Demar Derozan Makes "The Showstopper"– This video is creepy because who ever edited it decided to add somber music and play the clip in slow motion. Kind of weird, but strangely rewatchable.

Javale McGee Double-Dunk – For my money, the best dunk of the night. The degree of difficulty to pull that dunk (or two dunks I guess) was off the charts.

Blake Griffin's Reverse 360 Slam – Griffin smacked himself in the face with the ball after this slam.

Griffin Jumps Over a Car– The actual dunk itself wasn’t all that impressive, but the production value was unintentionally comical.

2. Kobe Bryant Goes Bonkers, Leads West Over the East

            Kobe’s 37 points trumped Lebron James’ triple-double. Speaking of Lebron…I didn’t think he could’ve done anything to make Cavalier’s fans hate him even more, but his impassioned speech to fire up his teammates might’ve done it (I tried to find a leak to this, but unfortunately couldn’t locate one at this time). All of a sudden a guy who mailed it in during the last three games of the playoff series against Boston gives a crap about an exhibition game?

1. 20-Year Old Trevor Bayne Wins Daytona 500

            I’m not sure what you were doing when you were twenty years old, but most of my time was spent playing video games and searching for a place to party (I write searching for a party because more often than not I was either unable to locate a party, or my buddy and I were to lazy to go to a party and played Madden instead). What was Trevor Bayne doing the day after he turned 20 years old? You know, just winning the biggest auto race in the United States.

            If you missed the last two laps, check it out here.