Thursdays With Sheen (3-10-11)

This following column may or may not have been written by Charlie Sheen. Sheen may (or may not) be writing a weekly column for No Credentials At All. Read at your own risk.

            Hello everyone it’s great to be here…oops wait a second I think the pizza man has finally gotten to the Sober Valley Lodge…what do you know it was Jon Cryer…Anyways it’s a pleasure to be added to the No Credentials staff. Cameron told me he needed a warlock, and damnit I’m the guy for the job…besides how many more rounds of his fantasy baseball draft can he jam down your throats? Like anyone gives a s*** what round he thinks Marco Scutaro should go in…You know what’s the best part of this gig? I’m not getting paid any money, so I can still claim to be an “unemployed winner”…If Chris Bosh keeps whining about not getting enough touches in the post, he’ll be joining me on the unemployment line. Here’s a novel concept to get through your cranium Chris…GET A F***ING OFFENSIVE REBOUND. YOU’LL END UP WITH A PRETTY GOOD LOOK WON’T YOU? DUH…If the price of gas gets any higher, I’m going to have to start riding a bicycle to pick up my coke…There’s not enough winning going on in Miami right now. They could use a little leadership, a little fists of fury, a little tiger blood. You know what they could really use? A little Charlie Sheen. Not the drug Charlie Sheen, because then everyone would end up lifeless like Mike Bibby, but myself, the metaphysical being that walks the earth in a shell that is named Charlie Sheen…When did Wisconsin move to the Middle East?…I caught a re-run of “Two and A Half Men” the other day. Man that show sucked. Good thing that show is off the air … Oh wait I forgot I was on it…Fastball; I think in my next life, I’m going to come back as the mechanical robots in “Battle: Los Angeles”…I don’t know what is more unrealistic, expecting St. Johns to make a deep run in the NCAA Tournament or the scene in “Con Air” where they land the plane on the Vegas strip…Here’s a torpedo for you to digest; Cam Newton has the tiger blood and enough Adonis DNA to make the entire cast of “Desperate Housewives” enter into premature menopause. That joke didn’t make sense to you, but it made sense to me…If Mike Tyson is really a vegan, than I’m as sober as a Catholic nun…I hope I don’t have to take any more drug tests. My whizzinator expired three days ago…I’m proud to say that I’m the illegitimate father of 6% of the kids that will be playing in the NCAA tournament. What can I say? I was a big star after “Wall Street”…I don’t care what deal the NFL players and owners draw up. As long as there is football next fall, we will all be winners…

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (2/18-2/20)

10. Justin Bieber Voted MVP of All-Star Celebrity Game

            I caught a few minutes of this game Friday night. At one point, Scottie Pippen blocked a Bieber jump shot without even leaving his feet. Beliebers must have missed that play (the MVP of this game was determined by fan vote. Who knew 13-year-old girls liked celebrity basketball games). 

            To see the epic rejection, click here.

9. Ottawa Senators and Colorado Avalanche Swap Starting Goalies

            I love trades where teams swap mediocre players that play the same position. Colorado shipped Craig Anderson and his 3.28 GAA to Ottawa for Brian Elliott and his 3.19 GAA. Essentially, both teams were so sick of their goalies that they were willing to bring in another crappy goalie to replace them. Anderson did pitch a 47-save shutout in his first game for Ottawa, so perhaps a change of scenery will be good for both of these guys.

8. Tony Stewart Edges Out Clint Bowyer to Win Nationwide Race

            More notable than Stewart edging Bowyer by a bumper was Danica Patrick running up front before eventually finishing 14^th. NASCAR would love nothing more than to see Patrick run well in her 12 Nationwide Series races this season. Good finishes would go a long in way in convincing Patrick to make the jump to NASCAR full-time in 2012.

If you missed the finish, click here.

7. Calgary Flames Destroy Canadians in Heritage Classic

            If an outdoor hockey game happens in Canada, but no one in America knows about it because of the NBA All-Star Game and the Daytona 500, did it really happen? In this case, it did.

            I only caught part of this game on accident while flipping through channels before the NBA All-Star Game. I understand that this event was geared towards Canada (the Canadian teams have been pissy about not being included in the New Year’s Day Winter Classic), but wouldn’t it make a little sense to stage the event on a quieter sports weekend? This morning on ESPN.com, the Heritage Classic was the ninth story listed on their homepage. It would make a ton of sense for the NHL to schedule this sort of event on a weekend with less competition.  

6. Rookies Beat Sophomores Thanks to John Wall

            None of Wall’s record 24 assists were as impressive as this bounce pass to Blake Griffin. Griffin should’ve borrowed Wall to help him out with the dunk contest.

5. New York Knicks Get Desperate in Pursuit for Carmelo Anthony

            New York is reportedly willing to send Danilo Gallinari, Raymond Felton, and Wilson Chandler to Denver in exchange for Carmelo Anthony. In other words, they are willing to part with their second, third, and fourth best players. That’s an awful lot to give up for a guy who scores a ton, but no much else.

4. St. Johns Beats #4 Pittsburgh With Last Second Lay-up

            St. Johns is somehow only 17-9, but it seems like every week they are pulling off a mammoth upset. They already smoked Duke, and this past weekend it was #4 Pittsburgh. I’m pulling for St. Johns to end up as an #8 or #9 seed in the NCAA Tournament so they can pull off a win over a #1 seed in round 2.

3. Blake Griffin Jumps Over a Car, Wins Slam Dunk Contest

            I don’t want to spend too much time ranting about the Dunk Contest, but I need to write a couple of sentences about Serge Ibaka. His first dunk (where video evidence clearly shows he took off a couple of inches behind the foul line) should’ve been scored a 65 out of 50. For him to be given a 45 was ridiculous. Julius Erving (who is credited with being the first man to successfully make a foul-line dunk, but actually took off while his foot was halfway over the line) should’ve walked out on to the court and kissed Ibaka’s shoes.

            Moving on from a stupid rant about a forgotten dunk (if you ever see me at the grocery store, don’t bring it up. It’s still a sore subject), I’ll simply post links to the epic dunks of the night.

           

Serge Ibaka Foul Line Dunk – This video is extra fun because Charles Barkley says “that kid has a great body” about Ibaka like he was talking about Brooklyn Decker.

Demar Derozan Makes "The Showstopper"– This video is creepy because who ever edited it decided to add somber music and play the clip in slow motion. Kind of weird, but strangely rewatchable.

Javale McGee Double-Dunk – For my money, the best dunk of the night. The degree of difficulty to pull that dunk (or two dunks I guess) was off the charts.

Blake Griffin's Reverse 360 Slam – Griffin smacked himself in the face with the ball after this slam.

Griffin Jumps Over a Car– The actual dunk itself wasn’t all that impressive, but the production value was unintentionally comical.

2. Kobe Bryant Goes Bonkers, Leads West Over the East

            Kobe’s 37 points trumped Lebron James’ triple-double. Speaking of Lebron…I didn’t think he could’ve done anything to make Cavalier’s fans hate him even more, but his impassioned speech to fire up his teammates might’ve done it (I tried to find a leak to this, but unfortunately couldn’t locate one at this time). All of a sudden a guy who mailed it in during the last three games of the playoff series against Boston gives a crap about an exhibition game?

1. 20-Year Old Trevor Bayne Wins Daytona 500

            I’m not sure what you were doing when you were twenty years old, but most of my time was spent playing video games and searching for a place to party (I write searching for a party because more often than not I was either unable to locate a party, or my buddy and I were to lazy to go to a party and played Madden instead). What was Trevor Bayne doing the day after he turned 20 years old? You know, just winning the biggest auto race in the United States.

            If you missed the last two laps, check it out here.

10 Awesome Things That Happened Last Weekend (1/28-1/30)

10. Former American Idol Winner Kris Allen Sings National Anthem at Pro Bowl

            This is on the heals of Fox planting last year’s winner into the halftime show at the Bears-Packers game (note to NFL teams: Don’t hire struggling reality show winners as your halftime entertainment. It’s not good karma). I can appreciate the efforts of Fox trying to raise the profile of these two singers, but at some point they have to realize that the majority of America doesn’t care about them. What’s next, fat Ruben singing before the Daytona 500?

9. “Grey’s Anatomy” Star Patrick Dempsey Finishes 3^rd at Daytona Rolex 24

            I’ve never watched “Grey’s”, and have very little knowledge of a guy who is referred to as “McDreamy” by TV Guide, but it’s not every day you see an actor for a chick-show finish well in one of the most prestigious auto races in the world. This isn’t just some celebrity race. These cars get up to 200 mph. I’m not sure how he finds time for this hobby, but kudos to him.

8. St. John’s Destroys #3 Duke

            You either hate Duke or you love Duke. There is no middle ground. Being in the first group, I was pleased with this result.

            I’ve never understood why St. John’s has struggled for the last 20 years. The college is in New York City, the Mecca of basketball. They play their home games in Madison Square Garden. How do they not get a top-5 recruiting class every single year? It’s never made sense. Now that they have former UCLA coach Steve Lavin (and more importantly, Steve Lavin’s hair. Have you ever seen Lavin’s hair? It should have its own Twitter account), St. John’s should be able to capitalize on their prime location.

7. Djokovic Wins Australian Open

            I know as much about tennis as the Kardashian sisters know about calculus, but I do know that Djokovic is kind of an asshole (which I like in an individual sport). And he has two funny consonants at the beginning of his name. I hope he makes a good run at Wimbledon. 

6. Team Lidstrom Beats Team Staal 11-10 in NHL All-Star Game

            It was an entertaining game, but I had a hard time trying to pick which team to cheer for, or figure out who was on which team. Hopefully next year we can get the Crosby-Ovechkin rivalry at the forefront of this game.

5. Miami Holds Off Thunder

            Sunday’s game between Durant and Lebron was an oddly paced affair. It started as a wide-open game (38-35 at the end of the first quarter) and then ended as a defensive battle. As currently constructed, the Thunder doesn’t have a strong enough post player to take advantage of Miami’s weakness in the paint. Miami finally put its best crunch time lineup on the floor (Lebron at the point, Wade and Mike Miller on the wings, Bosh in the post, and some stiff filling the 5^th spot) in the last 5 minutes that proved to be effective. The “stiff spot” (sounds dirty, but in this case, it isn’t) actually proved to be valuable for Miami, as they are able to use the spot on a bigger guy when needed (Joel Anthony, Big Z), or a 3-point specialist (James Jones, Eddie House’s carcass that somehow hit the go ahead shot on Sunday). Miami is a half-court offense away from being a very dangerous team.

4. Zdeno Chara Shoots a Puck 105.9 mph. During Skills Competition

            For those of you not in the know, that’s really, really hard. Chara looks like these creature that was created by Dr. Frankenstein whose sole purpose is to fire slap shots and crush people. Also, he’s the second person mentioned in this column that has two weird consonants as the first two letters of his name. 

3. O.J. Mayo Claims Energy Drink Caused Failed Drug Test

            No word yet on whether Mayo is also blaming the energy drink for being the reason he’s only averaging 12 points per game. Memphis has some nice pieces in place (Rudy Gay, Zach Randolph, Marc Gasol, Mike Conley), which in my opinion means they should look to move Mayo for draft picks. They’re already using their designated “crazy dude” spot on Randolph.

2. Celtics Defeat Lakers

            What do you get when you have a team with a chip on its shoulder playing a team that doesn’t care until the playoffs? The game we saw yesterday between Boston and the Lakers.

            Apparently there’s major panic going on in Los Angeles over the state of the Lakers. Some callers on sports radio shows have suggested everything from trading Andrew Bynum for Carmelo Anthony, starting Lamar Odom at point guard, and even trading Kobe Bryant. While those are all amusing suggestions, we won’t know what this Lakers team is capable of until we get to April. If Ron Artest can rediscover the desire to play lockdown defense, they will still be the favorites in the Western Conference.

1. NHL Hold’s First Ever Fantasy Draft to Select All-Star Rosters

            This event was five times more interesting than the actual All-Star Game. On paper, watching socially awkward hockey players sitting around in suits waiting to get picked onto a side may not sound like a strong television program, but it was a fascinating watch. The NBA needs to just blatantly copy this for next years game, and maybe if the Pro Bowl squads were picked this way, and the winning side could split $1 million, we’d see an actual football game.