10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (4/1-4/3)

10. Charlie Sheen Bombs in Detroit

            I’m as big a Charlie fan as there is, but when you start your set by saying the city you are performing in is a great place to talk about crack cocaine, you’re digging a bit of a hole for yourself.

9. Nuggets Defeat Lakers in Los Angeles

            Amazingly, Denver is now 15-4 since making the Carmelo trade after their stunning win on the Lakers’ home-court. Head Coach George Karl is making a late push to be the Coach of the Year.

8. Phillies Score Three in the 9^th, Steal Opening Day Win From Astros

            I didn’t watch this live, but did read several hundred angry Tweets from people who have Brandon Lyon on their fantasy team. Good times.

7. My Fiancée Advances to Championship Game in My Fantasy Basketball League

            What is even scarier about this scenario is she is facing me in the championship round.

6. India Wins Cricket World Cup

            Other than the fact that the game is named after an insect, I know nothing about cricket. Apparently though, this tournament was a huge deal to a billion people in India, so that’s pretty cool.

5. Detroit Pistons Retire Dennis Rodman’s Jersey

            Most of you probably remember Rodman as the ace rebounder for the second Bulls three-peat team, but before then he was a member of the Bad Boy Pistons. I may be in the minority here, but I have not gotten nearly enough Dennis Rodman this past decade. For cheap laughs, check out some classic Dennis Rodman moments listed below this paragraph.

Rodman kicks a cameraman in the crotch (you also get to see a very young Kevin Garnett in this clip)

Rodman and Karl Malone trip over each other during Game 4 of NBA Finals

Rodman clobbers Shaq, then is pulled out of scuffle by Jordan and Pippen (watch Pippen laughing when they hit the floor)

Rodman head butts a referee (check out Phil Jackson chuckling at the end of this clip)

Rodman gets into a fight with Alonzo Mourning

Here’s a slide show of Rodman’s many looks (includes his appearances in a wedding dress)

(EDITORS NOTE: I spent about an hour and a half looking at old Rodman clips when looking for links. He couldn’t shoot to save his life, and he may have been insane, but you can’t argue about how much The Worm loved the game)

4. Harvick Passes Dale Jr. to Win at Martinsville

            This race took an eternity to finish (mostly due to Martin Truex making a bold attempt to knock the turn three wall down. Fast forward to around the 1:10 mark of this video to see his crash with Kasey Kahne), but for those who caught the finish it was worth it. While Dale Earnhardt Jr. winning would’ve been the best result for NASCAR, him being in contention to win should be enough to boost fan interest going forward. Don’t be surprised if Junior pulls into victory lane after one of the next three races (Texas, Talladega, Richmond). Those are all tracks he has won at before.

3. Butler Makes 2^nd Straight National Championship Game

            Whether Butler defeats Connecticut tonight or not, the fact that a mid-major made the championship game as a 5^th seed and then an 8^th seed is remarkable.

2. Notre Dame Eliminates Lady Huskies

            With this loss, the citizens of Connecticut are spared of Geno Auriemma’s ego growing even larger than it already was. For greater insight into the Connecticut sports culture, check out a podcast that Bill Simmons did with his friend JackO (click on the podcast called New England Sports, which is currently the second most recent podcast on the page). 

1. Connecticut Survives Against Kentucky

            The Huskies looked like they were going to run away with it, but at least Kentucky made a game of it in the second half.

            Sorry to keep the #1 and #3 posts extra short this week. Look for an extended analysis of the National Championship Game, as well as the state of college basketball, to drop Tuesday or Wednesday.

Thursdays With Sheen (3-31-11)

Newsflash: Charlie Sheen is losing…APRIL FOOLS…

Thursdays With Sheen (3-24-11)

            Hey guys it’s great to be here…oh wait a second my Chinese food is here…what do you know the delivery guy was Bruce Pearl…For those of you that didn’t know, I had Morehead St. winning the NCAA Tournament. Even though their destiny in this realm called for a new path, Morehead St., you are still winners…I don’t know who looks worse, me, Jim Calhoun or Lesley Visser…Did you see Roy Oswalt get nailed in the head by Manny Ramirez? The last time I had an experience like that it involved two porn stars, a Motel 6, and a tub of Spackle…After shots of Goldschlager, I’m now unable to control myself from screaming “JIMMER!”…It pains me that I don’t recall if I ever used cocaine with Elizabeth Taylor…Sorry to keep it short this week folks, but this warlock has to fire some cerebral torpedoes at Chuck Lorre... 

Thursdays With Charlie Sheen, a Special St. Patty's Day Edition

            Happy St. Patrick’s Day to actual Irish people. You folks that aren’t Irish, but celebrate today like you are, I got some winning words for you. You want to know why I don’t get smashed on St. Patrick’s Day? Because everyday is St. Patrick’s Day for Charlie Sheen. I slam four eight balls with three porn stars on Easter. I chug fifths of Patron on Arbor Day. I slam 7-gram rocks on August 18^th. You get the idea. I don’t need to show up on “Amateur Night”. I don’t need to gag on three green beers to show how full throttle I am, and neither do you. Earn yourself. Win the war. Torpedo the giraffe…The troll of the day award (sponsored by Defeat is Not an Option) goes to Randy Moss. Seriously, I didn’t sound half as pathetic when I was begging Denise Richards to stay with me. Stick a fork in me if I ever crawl back to Chuck Lorre begging forgiveness…Who’s looking more haggard these days, me or Katie Couric?…I’d like to welcome all NFL players to the exclusive “Unemployed Winners” club. Enjoy it while it lasts…My live tour is in jeopardy because I just found out I can’t snort blow on stage…When will ESPN assign Todd McShay to laundry duty for Mel Kiper?…When I start feeling bad about myself, I replay The Situation’s bit from the Donald Trump roast on my DVR…Is it really that hard for Bruce Pearl to not think about his future, seeing how he won’t have one with Tennessee?…When I finally go totally insane, I hope I randomly start yelling “JIMMER!”…I can emphasize with Jalen Rose. Duke would never of recruited a kid like me either…Kevin Durant has enough tiger blood in his pipe cleaners to win the Western Conference…When I win my $100 from Warner Brothers, will that be enough money to buy Clippers? Blake Griffin will look good wearing a Hollywood Tiger Bloods jersey…Say what you want about my career, but at least I didn’t end up on a CBS-spin off series co-starring with LL Cool J…

Thursdays With Sheen (3-10-11)

This following column may or may not have been written by Charlie Sheen. Sheen may (or may not) be writing a weekly column for No Credentials At All. Read at your own risk.

            Hello everyone it’s great to be here…oops wait a second I think the pizza man has finally gotten to the Sober Valley Lodge…what do you know it was Jon Cryer…Anyways it’s a pleasure to be added to the No Credentials staff. Cameron told me he needed a warlock, and damnit I’m the guy for the job…besides how many more rounds of his fantasy baseball draft can he jam down your throats? Like anyone gives a s*** what round he thinks Marco Scutaro should go in…You know what’s the best part of this gig? I’m not getting paid any money, so I can still claim to be an “unemployed winner”…If Chris Bosh keeps whining about not getting enough touches in the post, he’ll be joining me on the unemployment line. Here’s a novel concept to get through your cranium Chris…GET A F***ING OFFENSIVE REBOUND. YOU’LL END UP WITH A PRETTY GOOD LOOK WON’T YOU? DUH…If the price of gas gets any higher, I’m going to have to start riding a bicycle to pick up my coke…There’s not enough winning going on in Miami right now. They could use a little leadership, a little fists of fury, a little tiger blood. You know what they could really use? A little Charlie Sheen. Not the drug Charlie Sheen, because then everyone would end up lifeless like Mike Bibby, but myself, the metaphysical being that walks the earth in a shell that is named Charlie Sheen…When did Wisconsin move to the Middle East?…I caught a re-run of “Two and A Half Men” the other day. Man that show sucked. Good thing that show is off the air … Oh wait I forgot I was on it…Fastball; I think in my next life, I’m going to come back as the mechanical robots in “Battle: Los Angeles”…I don’t know what is more unrealistic, expecting St. Johns to make a deep run in the NCAA Tournament or the scene in “Con Air” where they land the plane on the Vegas strip…Here’s a torpedo for you to digest; Cam Newton has the tiger blood and enough Adonis DNA to make the entire cast of “Desperate Housewives” enter into premature menopause. That joke didn’t make sense to you, but it made sense to me…If Mike Tyson is really a vegan, than I’m as sober as a Catholic nun…I hope I don’t have to take any more drug tests. My whizzinator expired three days ago…I’m proud to say that I’m the illegitimate father of 6% of the kids that will be playing in the NCAA tournament. What can I say? I was a big star after “Wall Street”…I don’t care what deal the NFL players and owners draw up. As long as there is football next fall, we will all be winners…

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (3/4-3/6)

10. Owners and NFLPA Extend CBA Negotiations a Week

            I can appreciate the owners and players agreeing to talk longer, but here is a novel concept…instead of negotiating a new deadline, why not just NEGOTIATE A DAMN DEAL SO FOOTBALL ISN’T CANCELLED NEXT FALL (sorry for the capital letters. The possibility of no NFL in September gets me riled up)? Both sides are arguing about three basic things. How to split $9 billion (what a terrible problem to have), the length of the season (owners want 18 games, players want to stay at 16), and longer health benefits for players after they retire. I know there’s a lot of money, but cant we get a few heads in a room together and hammer out a deal? The NFL is coming off its most successful financial season ever. You’d think petty differences would be thrown aside for the sake of growing the brand.

9. Mark Cuban in Talks to Develop TV Show With Charlie Sheen

            I think Cuban should spend more time running the Mavericks than trying to bring a playoff system to college football, or even worse, trying to create a TV show for a crackhead.

8. Danica Patrick Finishes 4^th in Nationwide Race at Las Vegas

            Critics will say that Patrick’s first top-5 finish in NASCAR only happened because of great fuel

strategy by her crew chief, but she was running in 10^th before fuel affected the outcome of the race (ironically, Patrick’s crew chief was the same man who made a similar call to put Dale Earnhardt Jr. in victory lane at Michigan in 2008). Patrick has come along way since her first races in a stock car in 2010. I’ll be stunned if she doesn’t make the jump to NASCAR full-time in 2012.

7. NCAA Investigating University of Oregon Football Program

            I’ll start this by saying I have nothing against the University of Oregon, and wish no penalty or sanctions on their football team. I just feel it’s noteworthy because the majority of scrutiny this past season was on their opponent in the BCS Championship Game (Auburn), but now they are beginning to come under fire.

            The NCAA has begun investigating Oregon after a $25,000 payment to Willie Lyles, a trainer based out of Texas. There are whispers that Lyles was paid by Oregon in exchange for prized recruit Lache Seastrunk (not to pick on the dude, but Lache Seastrunk is one of the craziest names for a runningback I’ve ever seen), who committed to the Ducks last January. Oregon has told the NCAA that Lyles is a scout who works for a recruiting service (all major colleges pay between $5,000 and $15,000 to recruiting services for game-tape of high school prospects), but Seastrunk’s mom has said that she was under the impression Lyles was just a trainer. Lyles had a mentor-like relationship with Seastrunk, and certainly was in a position to influence which school he chose to play for. Even more troubling for Oregon is the fact that Lyles is also linked to LaMichael James, another Texas recruit who finished second in the Heisman Trophy balloting last December. The NCAA wants to know what sort of services Lyles was providing for such a high fee. Oregon can certainly explain how they were able to pay for such an expensive scouting service (as written about by me here after the BCS Championship Game, there’s tons of Nike money flowing through Oregon), but the real question will be the level of services provided by Lyles (who if you talk to a player’s mom, was a trainer, but to Oregon, he’s a scout. Sounds sketchy huh?). If Lyles is discovered to be nothing more than a private contractor that directs players to certain schools for a fee, Oregon will be staring at a stiff penalty from the NCAA.

6. Tim Tebow Supports BYU’s Brandon Davies           

            I’ve stayed away from the BYU “Honor Code” issue because the BYU Honor Code has been there for over 70 years. If you sign up to play for BYU, and you get caught doing anything that breaks the code, you should expect punishment. I mention it here only to praise Tebow for speaking out and wondering aloud whether or not the penalty was too harsh. Perception wise, Tebow is regarded as having very strong morals. For him to step out and speak on behalf of Davies, even though the transgression Davies committed goes against Tebow’s faith, was noteworthy. Even though this has nothing to do with running a 2 minute drill, I would feel better as a Broncos fan knowing I have a quarterback who’s unafraid to voice an opinion and lead.

5. Lakers Flex Muscles in San Antonio

            Los Angeles has been sleepwalking most of the year, but they woke up for this one just to remind the league who the king of the west still is. San Antonio earned the right to take a game off after the #2 item on this list.

4. Carl Edwards Steals Las Vegas Win From Tony Stewart

            As is the case with most 1.5 mile tracks, this race was a snooze-fest for the most part, but if you stuck around for the end you got to hear Tony Stewart give his best Ricky Bobby impersonation. Just for poops and giggles, here's the wheelchair scene from "Talladega Nights".

3. North Carolina Beats Duke, Wins ACC Regular Season Title

            I watched all of this game, which sadly, doubled the amount of college basketball I had actually viewed live this season. If Duke isn’t hitting their threes, they have a very hard time generating offense. I’d be very surprised if this team made it past the sweet 16 (unless the tournament selection committee sets them up with a powder puff bracket like last season). North Carolina is a different story. Freshman Kendall Marshall’s ascension to the starting point guard position has brought the best out of Harrison Barnes, and North Carolina is one of the few teams that seem able to attack the paint when they need a bucket. This club reminds me a lot of the 2002-03 Syracuse club that was led by Carmelo Anthony.

2. Spurs Blast Heat By 30 Points

            After an epic collapse at home against Orlando the previous night (epic is the only word that can be used to describe blowing a 24-point lead on your home floor), Miami came out totally flat at San Antonio. The most fun part of this was New Hampshire native Matt Bonner scoring 9 points in three minutes (watch the first minute or so of this video to see the 1^st quarter assault). Apparently Miami was very concerned about defending the paint, because that’s where all five of their players ended up on every play. That’s a great defense to set your team up in if you’re coaching an elementary school basketball team, but not so great against one of the best three-point shooting teams in the NBA.

1. Heat Players Cry After Loss to Bulls

            Tom Hanks famously screamed in “A League of Their Own”, “THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!” I think Erik Spoelstra needs to call Hanks in to give his players a pep talk. Personally, if I were a Heat fan, I wouldn’t mind hearing that Lebron and Bosh shed a tear or two after this game, because it shows they actually give a crap about what’s going on (Spoelstra essentially says that in the first minute of this clip). I’m starting to get the sense that the Heat’s big three (oops, I meant “The Big 2 Featuring Chris Bosh”) have finally realized that there talent alone isn’t going to carry them to the NBA title. Miami needs to come up with a half-court offense that doesn’t involved one of the big three dribbling with the ball and jacking up a shot while the other four guys on the court stand around.

Charlie Sheen Eyes New York Mets

Los Angeles (AP) – With new found free time, embattled actor Charlie Sheen has decided to place a bid for the New York Mets. The Wilpon family, who are the current majority owners of the club, had their finances ruined by the Bernie Madoff scandal. They have been actively looking for someone to buy their stake in the franchise for over a year. It’s unclear whether or not Sheen has a partner in the venture or not, but Sheen has made it clear what his intentions are.

            “It’s going to be all about winning, duh,” said Sheen from his Los Angeles home, “I’m the greatest winner there ever was. When I sweat, winning oozes out of my pores. I’m like a great winning tree of knowledge. If you don’t think I could help a ball club, you’d have to be on crack, and if you are on crack, you better share.”

            Sheen went on to explain what gives him the credentials to own a major league baseball team in an extended rant. It was unclear whether or not he breathed during this following paragraph.

            “For one, when I look at the greater meaning of my place in this dimension, I see myself as a being that is meant to do more. How many more times do you expect me to go to work and carry Jon Cryer? That guy was just the f***ing nerd in “Pretty in Pink” who needed a haircut before he teamed up with me. No, there is much more for me to do in this plane of existence, and first and foremost is running a damn baseball team. You know why? I’ll tell you why. Because you play to win the game. Herm Edwards said it first, and he’s a damn rock star for saying it, and I’m going to cosign that statement. While I’m here, Herm, get back on the damn sidelines because you’re a shoddy broadcaster. Anyway, I’m about winning, you could argue that I am winning, as in me myself, winning…I should change my name to Winning Sheen, like Ochocinco did, anyway the game is about winning, I’m about winning, I am winning, therefore it’s time for me to bring winning to the New York Mets. I won’t have some guy named Bernie ripping me off millions of dollars, that’s for damn sure. Bernie Madoff fleeced the Mets? What the f***? The last time I trusted a guy named Bernie was in second grade, and that son of a bitch tried to steal my lunch money, so Mets fans will be happy to know that there’s no f***ing way I’m trusting some clown named Bernie with my finances. Now you asked what I’m going to look for in my ball players…let me tell you I need my guys to have tiger blood. If you don’t have tiger blood, I don’t want you on the mound, I don’t want you in the outfield, I don’t want you washing the uniforms after the game. From top to bottom, every member of my organization will have tiger blood. And you know what else will help is some Adonis DNA. You sprinkle in Adonis DNA with tiger blood, and you’ll see a ball club that is going to go one speed and that speed is full throttle. You think it’s easy to bang seven-gram rocks? There’s only one-way to do it and that’s full throttle. You get a baseball team firing at full throttle and I’ll show you a team that will lead the league in RBIs and most goddesses brought back to the team hotel. It won’t just be about winning the games for my New York Mets. We want to win every play. We want to win after the game in the clubhouse. We want to win in a hotel room with multiple Vivid Video girls. This is how I define wins. I don’t just look at simple wins and losses. You have to look at winning in the big picture spectrum of where we are in the space time continuum. Every morning I wake up is a win, and you want to know why? Because the night before I sniffed enough booger sugar to tranquilize a horse, that’s why. I win all the time. Right now I’m winning. And when I’m running the Mets, it’s going to be about winning. Did I mention winning enough? I don’t think I did. We are going to win every game. We are going to win so much our record will be 324-0, even though there is only 162 games per season. We’ll win so much our wins will be worth two wins. That’s what tiger blood does for you. You don’t just win once, you win twice. Screw it our record will be infinity-0. Computers will break trying to calculate how many games we win. Let me talk for a second about David Wright…I just don’t know if he has the tiger blood. Looks like a nice guy, but you better have tiger blood. Jason Bay definitely doesn’t. If you’re a Canadian male and you don’t play hockey, you have anti-tiger blood. Francisco Rodriguez beat the piss out of his father-in-law, so that guy is getting a new $300 million contract, because that guy screams tiger blood. Don’t forget that I know pitching. Remember “Major Leagues”? That was me carrying the Cleveland Indians. There are two things in life I can pick out, a quality prostitute and a future #1 starter. I’d like to also announce that we are trading our entire triple-A team for Derek Jeter. Sure he’s engaged right now or married or whatever he is, but let me tell you, if Jeter hangs out for a week with me, I’ll pry that Adonis DNA out from the cockles of his heart. I know it’s still there. I see the Mets winning 30 World Series titles in a row under my watch. We’re going to figure out how to take the greatest drug of all, Charlie Sheen, and give it to all the guys. Sure one hit of it would kill anyone, you’re head will explode, loved ones will be crying over your detonated body, but someday science will be able to harness this drug. Charlie Sheen will power Ike Davis to hit 912 home runs in one season. And if science doesn’t work, I’ll pump my guys with copious amounts of cocaine.”

            Due to Sheen’s personal problems, it is unlikely his bid will be taken seriously by commissioner Bud Selig and the rest of the owners in MLB.

            “If you’re kids are being taken from your home, needless to say, that’s a big red flag,” says a source from within the commissioner’s office.