Thursdays With Sheen (3-24-11)

            Hey guys it’s great to be here…oh wait a second my Chinese food is here…what do you know the delivery guy was Bruce Pearl…For those of you that didn’t know, I had Morehead St. winning the NCAA Tournament. Even though their destiny in this realm called for a new path, Morehead St., you are still winners…I don’t know who looks worse, me, Jim Calhoun or Lesley Visser…Did you see Roy Oswalt get nailed in the head by Manny Ramirez? The last time I had an experience like that it involved two porn stars, a Motel 6, and a tub of Spackle…After shots of Goldschlager, I’m now unable to control myself from screaming “JIMMER!”…It pains me that I don’t recall if I ever used cocaine with Elizabeth Taylor…Sorry to keep it short this week folks, but this warlock has to fire some cerebral torpedoes at Chuck Lorre... 

Thursdays With Charlie Sheen, a Special St. Patty's Day Edition

            Happy St. Patrick’s Day to actual Irish people. You folks that aren’t Irish, but celebrate today like you are, I got some winning words for you. You want to know why I don’t get smashed on St. Patrick’s Day? Because everyday is St. Patrick’s Day for Charlie Sheen. I slam four eight balls with three porn stars on Easter. I chug fifths of Patron on Arbor Day. I slam 7-gram rocks on August 18^th. You get the idea. I don’t need to show up on “Amateur Night”. I don’t need to gag on three green beers to show how full throttle I am, and neither do you. Earn yourself. Win the war. Torpedo the giraffe…The troll of the day award (sponsored by Defeat is Not an Option) goes to Randy Moss. Seriously, I didn’t sound half as pathetic when I was begging Denise Richards to stay with me. Stick a fork in me if I ever crawl back to Chuck Lorre begging forgiveness…Who’s looking more haggard these days, me or Katie Couric?…I’d like to welcome all NFL players to the exclusive “Unemployed Winners” club. Enjoy it while it lasts…My live tour is in jeopardy because I just found out I can’t snort blow on stage…When will ESPN assign Todd McShay to laundry duty for Mel Kiper?…When I start feeling bad about myself, I replay The Situation’s bit from the Donald Trump roast on my DVR…Is it really that hard for Bruce Pearl to not think about his future, seeing how he won’t have one with Tennessee?…When I finally go totally insane, I hope I randomly start yelling “JIMMER!”…I can emphasize with Jalen Rose. Duke would never of recruited a kid like me either…Kevin Durant has enough tiger blood in his pipe cleaners to win the Western Conference…When I win my $100 from Warner Brothers, will that be enough money to buy Clippers? Blake Griffin will look good wearing a Hollywood Tiger Bloods jersey…Say what you want about my career, but at least I didn’t end up on a CBS-spin off series co-starring with LL Cool J…