Thursdays With Sheen (3-10-11)

This following column may or may not have been written by Charlie Sheen. Sheen may (or may not) be writing a weekly column for No Credentials At All. Read at your own risk.

            Hello everyone it’s great to be here…oops wait a second I think the pizza man has finally gotten to the Sober Valley Lodge…what do you know it was Jon Cryer…Anyways it’s a pleasure to be added to the No Credentials staff. Cameron told me he needed a warlock, and damnit I’m the guy for the job…besides how many more rounds of his fantasy baseball draft can he jam down your throats? Like anyone gives a s*** what round he thinks Marco Scutaro should go in…You know what’s the best part of this gig? I’m not getting paid any money, so I can still claim to be an “unemployed winner”…If Chris Bosh keeps whining about not getting enough touches in the post, he’ll be joining me on the unemployment line. Here’s a novel concept to get through your cranium Chris…GET A F***ING OFFENSIVE REBOUND. YOU’LL END UP WITH A PRETTY GOOD LOOK WON’T YOU? DUH…If the price of gas gets any higher, I’m going to have to start riding a bicycle to pick up my coke…There’s not enough winning going on in Miami right now. They could use a little leadership, a little fists of fury, a little tiger blood. You know what they could really use? A little Charlie Sheen. Not the drug Charlie Sheen, because then everyone would end up lifeless like Mike Bibby, but myself, the metaphysical being that walks the earth in a shell that is named Charlie Sheen…When did Wisconsin move to the Middle East?…I caught a re-run of “Two and A Half Men” the other day. Man that show sucked. Good thing that show is off the air … Oh wait I forgot I was on it…Fastball; I think in my next life, I’m going to come back as the mechanical robots in “Battle: Los Angeles”…I don’t know what is more unrealistic, expecting St. Johns to make a deep run in the NCAA Tournament or the scene in “Con Air” where they land the plane on the Vegas strip…Here’s a torpedo for you to digest; Cam Newton has the tiger blood and enough Adonis DNA to make the entire cast of “Desperate Housewives” enter into premature menopause. That joke didn’t make sense to you, but it made sense to me…If Mike Tyson is really a vegan, than I’m as sober as a Catholic nun…I hope I don’t have to take any more drug tests. My whizzinator expired three days ago…I’m proud to say that I’m the illegitimate father of 6% of the kids that will be playing in the NCAA tournament. What can I say? I was a big star after “Wall Street”…I don’t care what deal the NFL players and owners draw up. As long as there is football next fall, we will all be winners…

Charlie Sheen Eyes New York Mets

Los Angeles (AP) – With new found free time, embattled actor Charlie Sheen has decided to place a bid for the New York Mets. The Wilpon family, who are the current majority owners of the club, had their finances ruined by the Bernie Madoff scandal. They have been actively looking for someone to buy their stake in the franchise for over a year. It’s unclear whether or not Sheen has a partner in the venture or not, but Sheen has made it clear what his intentions are.

            “It’s going to be all about winning, duh,” said Sheen from his Los Angeles home, “I’m the greatest winner there ever was. When I sweat, winning oozes out of my pores. I’m like a great winning tree of knowledge. If you don’t think I could help a ball club, you’d have to be on crack, and if you are on crack, you better share.”

            Sheen went on to explain what gives him the credentials to own a major league baseball team in an extended rant. It was unclear whether or not he breathed during this following paragraph.

            “For one, when I look at the greater meaning of my place in this dimension, I see myself as a being that is meant to do more. How many more times do you expect me to go to work and carry Jon Cryer? That guy was just the f***ing nerd in “Pretty in Pink” who needed a haircut before he teamed up with me. No, there is much more for me to do in this plane of existence, and first and foremost is running a damn baseball team. You know why? I’ll tell you why. Because you play to win the game. Herm Edwards said it first, and he’s a damn rock star for saying it, and I’m going to cosign that statement. While I’m here, Herm, get back on the damn sidelines because you’re a shoddy broadcaster. Anyway, I’m about winning, you could argue that I am winning, as in me myself, winning…I should change my name to Winning Sheen, like Ochocinco did, anyway the game is about winning, I’m about winning, I am winning, therefore it’s time for me to bring winning to the New York Mets. I won’t have some guy named Bernie ripping me off millions of dollars, that’s for damn sure. Bernie Madoff fleeced the Mets? What the f***? The last time I trusted a guy named Bernie was in second grade, and that son of a bitch tried to steal my lunch money, so Mets fans will be happy to know that there’s no f***ing way I’m trusting some clown named Bernie with my finances. Now you asked what I’m going to look for in my ball players…let me tell you I need my guys to have tiger blood. If you don’t have tiger blood, I don’t want you on the mound, I don’t want you in the outfield, I don’t want you washing the uniforms after the game. From top to bottom, every member of my organization will have tiger blood. And you know what else will help is some Adonis DNA. You sprinkle in Adonis DNA with tiger blood, and you’ll see a ball club that is going to go one speed and that speed is full throttle. You think it’s easy to bang seven-gram rocks? There’s only one-way to do it and that’s full throttle. You get a baseball team firing at full throttle and I’ll show you a team that will lead the league in RBIs and most goddesses brought back to the team hotel. It won’t just be about winning the games for my New York Mets. We want to win every play. We want to win after the game in the clubhouse. We want to win in a hotel room with multiple Vivid Video girls. This is how I define wins. I don’t just look at simple wins and losses. You have to look at winning in the big picture spectrum of where we are in the space time continuum. Every morning I wake up is a win, and you want to know why? Because the night before I sniffed enough booger sugar to tranquilize a horse, that’s why. I win all the time. Right now I’m winning. And when I’m running the Mets, it’s going to be about winning. Did I mention winning enough? I don’t think I did. We are going to win every game. We are going to win so much our record will be 324-0, even though there is only 162 games per season. We’ll win so much our wins will be worth two wins. That’s what tiger blood does for you. You don’t just win once, you win twice. Screw it our record will be infinity-0. Computers will break trying to calculate how many games we win. Let me talk for a second about David Wright…I just don’t know if he has the tiger blood. Looks like a nice guy, but you better have tiger blood. Jason Bay definitely doesn’t. If you’re a Canadian male and you don’t play hockey, you have anti-tiger blood. Francisco Rodriguez beat the piss out of his father-in-law, so that guy is getting a new $300 million contract, because that guy screams tiger blood. Don’t forget that I know pitching. Remember “Major Leagues”? That was me carrying the Cleveland Indians. There are two things in life I can pick out, a quality prostitute and a future #1 starter. I’d like to also announce that we are trading our entire triple-A team for Derek Jeter. Sure he’s engaged right now or married or whatever he is, but let me tell you, if Jeter hangs out for a week with me, I’ll pry that Adonis DNA out from the cockles of his heart. I know it’s still there. I see the Mets winning 30 World Series titles in a row under my watch. We’re going to figure out how to take the greatest drug of all, Charlie Sheen, and give it to all the guys. Sure one hit of it would kill anyone, you’re head will explode, loved ones will be crying over your detonated body, but someday science will be able to harness this drug. Charlie Sheen will power Ike Davis to hit 912 home runs in one season. And if science doesn’t work, I’ll pump my guys with copious amounts of cocaine.”

            Due to Sheen’s personal problems, it is unlikely his bid will be taken seriously by commissioner Bud Selig and the rest of the owners in MLB.

            “If you’re kids are being taken from your home, needless to say, that’s a big red flag,” says a source from within the commissioner’s office.