33.33% Chance of Being Right 2015 Kentucky Derby Rankings

            It’s hard to believe this is our fourth annual Kentucky Derby preview. It just feels like yesterday that I’ll Have Another delivered the greatest sports gambling moment in No Credentials history. We’ve already posted the video of the 2012 Derby multiple times, so it won’t hurt you to watch it again.

            The last two years haven’t been as successful, but .333 is still a great batting average (especially in the post-steroids era) so we aren’t changing up our rules for picking a winner. The rules are as follows.

-         The horse has to have a cool name. Like actors and athletes, if the horse doesn’t have the name, he doesn’t have the game.

-         I want some good odds. I’d rather win $1,500 on a $20 bet on Tencendur than $50 on a $20 bet on American Pharoah.

-         If a horse covers the first two bases, I need to find at least one writer on-line who gives that horse a significant chance of winning.

Without further ado, here’s the most uninformed Kentucky Derby analysis on the Internet.

Withdrawn. Stanford

            Stanford has won two NCAA titles in football, two titles in baseball, and one men’s basketball title. Stanford has never won the Kentucky Derby, and Stanford won’t this year as it was withdrawn from the field Thursday.

20. Mr. Z

            Remember this song by Mr. Big?

            That shitty power ballad was the first thing I thought of when I saw Mr. Z on the Derby roster.

19. Itsaknockout

            Itsaknockout will look like it belongs in a NASCAR race, as it will be promoting the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. That coupled with its name featuring three words combined into one gives Itsaknockout no chance Saturday.

18. Mubtaahij

            We wrote this last year, but it bears repeating…I don’t like words that feature the same vowels consecutively. 

17. Ocho Ocho Ocho

            Someone dropped the ball here not naming this horse Ocho Cinco.

16. Frammento

            Frammento is a late addition to the race after Stanford pulled out of the event. We’d rank Frammento lower, but it was hard enough cutting and pasting the write up for Stanford to the top.

15. Bolo

            Here is this year’s winner for “Horse Most Likely Named By a Small Child”.

14. Materiality

            The definition of materiality is “the quality or state of being material”. Sounds like a word that needs to be slapped on a horse.

13. Tencendur

            Only one horse born in the state of New York has ever won the Kentucky Derby, and they’ve run like 300 Kentucky Derbies. That’s an exaggeration, but you get the idea.

12. American Pharoah

            I don’t expect many of you to remember the movie “The Last Samurai”, but I always found it insulting that the lead role of that film was played by a short Caucasian Scientologist. American Pharoah stirs the same emotions, as only a dumbass would ever think that any pharaohs were from the United States.  

11. Danzig Moon

            Danzig means dancing in German. That’s one of six things I remember from four years of German in high school.

10. Keen Ice

            Keen Ice is a pretty sweet name, but unfortunately he hasn’t given any indication he can compete in a deep Derby field.

9. Carpe Diem

            Carpe Diem means “seize the day” in some foreign language. This makes one wonder why someone simply didn’t name this horse Seize the Day.

8. Dortmund

            Representing the town of Dortmund, Germany, this horse is our logic based pick to win. 4-1 odds though don’t give us enough profit potential to warrant a wager.

7. Far Right

            Far Right is where most of my tee shots end up on the rare occasion I play golf.

6. Firing Line

            Here’s a curious name, as it implies that the horse is slated to be executed. Shouldn’t someone have named it Firing Squad?

5. Upstart

            Who doesn’t like cheering for upstarts? Whether it’s upstart players, or upstart teams, upstart implies that it’s a feel good story worth rooting for.

4. War Story

            Only two horses in the history of the Derby have ever won while featuring the word “War” in their name. That’s two more winners for “War” than the word “Pervert”.

3. El Kabeir

            El Kabeir means “the boss” in Arabic. That’s top gun naming. Sadly, El Kabeir was a late scratch Friday afternoon and will not run Saturday.

2. Frosted

            Frosting makes everything better. I’ll support any small child who inhales the frosting while leaving behind the cake. Turning this around for a second, I can’t stand people that scrape frosting off of cupcakes. If you don’t want frosting, eat a fucking muffin or something.   

1. International Star

            In life, the highest social status you can reach is that of an international star. Plus, old people that have been in horse racing for years but have never won the Derby own this horse. Lastly, he’s a closer who could benefit if American Pharoah and Dortmund get into a pissing contest about who can run the first three-quarters of the race the fastest. International Star is our pick to win the Kentucky Derby.