10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (12/2-12/4)

10. Herman Cain Drops Out of 2012 Presidential Race

            For comedies sake, I was hoping we could at least have Cain in the race through March.

9. LSU Smashes Georgia

            Not that the match-up was really in serious danger (most experts agreed that LSU would still play for the national championship even if they lost Saturday), but now we are officially set up for Field Goal Fest II between Alabama and LSU.

8. Jason Garrett Ices His Own Kicker

            I’m glad I didn’t watch this game live, or else I think my head would’ve exploded. Thanks for blowing an opportunity at building a two game cushion in the NFC East Garrett.

7. Southern Miss Upsets Houston, Costs C-USA Millions 

            Reportedly, each school in the conference misses out on $500,000 now that Houston will no longer be slated to play in a BCS game.

6. Cam Newton Goes Bonkers

            Newton set the single-season record for rushing touchdowns for a quarterback while leading Carolina’s blitzkrieg of Tampa Bay.

5. Kentucky Hangs on Against North Carolina

            It’s very rare that a college basketball game in December feels like it should’ve been played in March, but that’s what everyone got Saturday in Lexington.

4. Bears Lose Thanks to Chiefs Hail Mary

            As horrendous as Tyler Palko has been, it’s fitting that his first touchdown pass was a Hail Mary. As for Chicago, they could be finished without both Jay Cutler and Matt Forte for the remainder of the regular season.
      
3. Aaron Rodgers is Clutch, Packers 12-0
            After New York tied the game, Aaron Rodgers had 58 seconds to drive the Packers down the field. I feel like he probably could’ve accomplished this feat in 8 seconds.
       
2. Tiger is Back
            Woods stole the Chevron World Challenge with two birdies on 17 and 18 to win his first tournament in two years. When Tiger returns in January for the start of the 2012 season, I fully expect him to have Paulina James on arm and Sasha Grey on the other.
          
1. God’s QB Delivers Again
            After finally completing over 60% of his passes in a game, I expect Tim Tebow to fix the global economy by the end of the month.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (11/25-11/27)

10. Women Uses Pepper Spray on Fellow Shoppers During Black Friday
            Because you know, it’s that important to get Kinect for your Xbox 360.

9. LSU Demolishes Arkansas

            I hope you like field goal matches, because that’s what we’re more than likely going to get when LSU has to play Alabama again in the BCS Championship Game.

8. Matt Leinart Breaks Collarbone, Texans Win Anyway

            I’m starting to think Houston doesn’t need a quarterback to win the AFC South. Not good news for Andre Johnson fantasy owners, but good news for people planning on betting against the Texans in the first round of the playoffs.

7. Barcelona’s 27-Game Win Streak Ends

            This was noteworthy for me because I was under the impression that Lionel Messi only was on losing teams in World Cup matches.

6. Stevie Johnson Blows Game and Keeps No Credentials 3-Team Teaser Alive

            A 15-yard penalty for excessive celebration (that by the way, should’ve counted as five extra fantasy points, because the clever mocking of Plaxico Burress was fantastic), followed by dropping a pass while Buffalo was attempting to drive for the win were the two blunders for a player who after dropping a touchdown pass against the Steelers last season, asked God on Twitter what he did to Him. Just in case you were curious, God doesn’t have a Twitter account, so he was unable to respond.

5. UNLV Upsets North Carolina

            I was too busy getting my ass kicked in Scrabble to watch this game live, but kudos to the Rebels for getting to 7-0 against the pres-season favorite to win the NCAA title.

4. Sofia is Finally Found, “The Walking Dead” Can Move On

(EDITORS NOTE: If you have the mid-season finale on DVR, skip to number three to not have the show ruined for you)

            I didn’t care if Sofia was found dead, alive, or as a walker, but I needed this storyline to end. The writers of the show had already wasted five episodes on the search for her. It was fitting that she was in Hershel’s barn the entire time the group was out searching. In a way, it was a nod to all of the time wasted by viewers on this plotline.

(EDITORS NOTE: If you don’t watch “The Walking Dead”, none of that made sense to you. In related news, I don’t care)

3. Patriots Push Eagles to Edge of a Cliff

            Thanks to the efforts of Tom Brady and Wes Welker, Eagles fans got to debut the “Fire Andy!” chant. They probably should’ve busted that out three weeks ago.

2. The NBA is Back

            Is there still a bad taste in the mouths of fans after the ridiculous lockout cost two months of the NBA season? Sure, but here’s a list of all the great things to look forward to now that games are set to begin.

“The Big 2 Featuring Chris Bosh”, season 2

Will the Magic Trade Dwight Howard? (oh wait, that’s actually something to dread. ESPN will talk about this incessantly for weeks on end)
Does Kobe and/or the Celtics’ Big 3 Have One More Year Left in the Tank?
Dirk and the Mavericks Defending the Title
Durant and Westbrook Battling for Shots in OKC
DeMarcus Cousins, Tyreke Evans, and Jimmer Fredette Being on the Same NBA Roster

1. Broncos, God’s QB Win in OT in San Diego      

            I saw a guy yesterday wearing a Broncos hat, so naturally I asked him about Tim Tebow. The man had absolutely no faith in him, and if anything, regretted the winning streak the Broncos have gone on because it has destroyed their chances at getting a top quarterback prospect. Don’t be surprised if locusts swarm this man’s home after Tebow’s latest miracle victory in overtime over the pathetic Chargers.