10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (11/25-11/27)

10. Women Uses Pepper Spray on Fellow Shoppers During Black Friday
            Because you know, it’s that important to get Kinect for your Xbox 360.

9. LSU Demolishes Arkansas

            I hope you like field goal matches, because that’s what we’re more than likely going to get when LSU has to play Alabama again in the BCS Championship Game.

8. Matt Leinart Breaks Collarbone, Texans Win Anyway

            I’m starting to think Houston doesn’t need a quarterback to win the AFC South. Not good news for Andre Johnson fantasy owners, but good news for people planning on betting against the Texans in the first round of the playoffs.

7. Barcelona’s 27-Game Win Streak Ends

            This was noteworthy for me because I was under the impression that Lionel Messi only was on losing teams in World Cup matches.

6. Stevie Johnson Blows Game and Keeps No Credentials 3-Team Teaser Alive

            A 15-yard penalty for excessive celebration (that by the way, should’ve counted as five extra fantasy points, because the clever mocking of Plaxico Burress was fantastic), followed by dropping a pass while Buffalo was attempting to drive for the win were the two blunders for a player who after dropping a touchdown pass against the Steelers last season, asked God on Twitter what he did to Him. Just in case you were curious, God doesn’t have a Twitter account, so he was unable to respond.

5. UNLV Upsets North Carolina

            I was too busy getting my ass kicked in Scrabble to watch this game live, but kudos to the Rebels for getting to 7-0 against the pres-season favorite to win the NCAA title.

4. Sofia is Finally Found, “The Walking Dead” Can Move On

(EDITORS NOTE: If you have the mid-season finale on DVR, skip to number three to not have the show ruined for you)

            I didn’t care if Sofia was found dead, alive, or as a walker, but I needed this storyline to end. The writers of the show had already wasted five episodes on the search for her. It was fitting that she was in Hershel’s barn the entire time the group was out searching. In a way, it was a nod to all of the time wasted by viewers on this plotline.

(EDITORS NOTE: If you don’t watch “The Walking Dead”, none of that made sense to you. In related news, I don’t care)

3. Patriots Push Eagles to Edge of a Cliff

            Thanks to the efforts of Tom Brady and Wes Welker, Eagles fans got to debut the “Fire Andy!” chant. They probably should’ve busted that out three weeks ago.

2. The NBA is Back

            Is there still a bad taste in the mouths of fans after the ridiculous lockout cost two months of the NBA season? Sure, but here’s a list of all the great things to look forward to now that games are set to begin.

“The Big 2 Featuring Chris Bosh”, season 2

Will the Magic Trade Dwight Howard? (oh wait, that’s actually something to dread. ESPN will talk about this incessantly for weeks on end)
Does Kobe and/or the Celtics’ Big 3 Have One More Year Left in the Tank?
Dirk and the Mavericks Defending the Title
Durant and Westbrook Battling for Shots in OKC
DeMarcus Cousins, Tyreke Evans, and Jimmer Fredette Being on the Same NBA Roster

1. Broncos, God’s QB Win in OT in San Diego      

            I saw a guy yesterday wearing a Broncos hat, so naturally I asked him about Tim Tebow. The man had absolutely no faith in him, and if anything, regretted the winning streak the Broncos have gone on because it has destroyed their chances at getting a top quarterback prospect. Don’t be surprised if locusts swarm this man’s home after Tebow’s latest miracle victory in overtime over the pathetic Chargers.

2011 AFC East Preview

4. Miami Dolphins

2010 Record = 7-9 (3^rd in Division)

Key Additions = RB Reggie Bush, LB Kevin Burnett, LB Jason Taylor
Key Losses = RB Ronnie Brown, RB Ricky Williams

Schedule = Patriots, Texans, @ Browns, @ Chargers, BYE, @ Jets, Broncos, @ Giants, @ Chiefs, Redskins, Bills, @ Cowboys, Raiders, Eagles, @ Bills, @ Patriots, Jets

Real-Life Outlook = Miami’s defense is one of the most underrated units in the league (throw out two lopsided games against New England, and you have a defense that only gave up more than 18 points once), but offensive ineptitude rules the day. There’s about a 15% chance Chad Henne figures it all out and becomes a reliable NFL starter. He’s going to need to be, as the Dolphins runningback situation is the sketchiest in the league. Reggie Bush will look great in spurts, but is not effective enough between the tackles to be a reliable every-down back. Second round draft pick Daniel Thomas was a popular fantasy sleeper, but has done nothing to generate optimism during the pre-season. Expect the futility of the Dolphins’ backfield to undermine the efforts of the defense and top flight wide receiver Brandon Marshall.

Ceiling = 8-8

Floor = 3-13
No Credentials Prediction = 5-11

3. Buffalo Bills

2010 Record = 4-12 (4^th in Division)

Key Additions = LB Nick Barnett, LB Kirk Morrison
Key Losses = LB Paul Posluszny, S Donte Whitner, LB Aaron Maybin

Schedule = @ Chiefs, Raiders, Patriots, @ Bengals, Eagles, @ Giants, BYE, Redskins, Jets, @ Cowboys, @ Dolphins, @ Jets, Titans, @ Chargers, Dolphins, Broncos, @ Patriots

Real-Life Outlook = One of the friskiest 4-12 teams in NFL history, the 2010 Bills were a treat to watch. Expect more of the same this season, as Ryan Fitzpatrick will be the starter from week 1 (fantasy folks, you could do much worse if you are in need of a bye-week fill-in than Fitzpatrick, depending on the match-up). Stevie Johnson could be in for the best season from a Bills wide out since Eric Moulds in 2002. Buffalo will be behind plenty again (in case you were wondering, the defense is still horrendous), so expect plenty of balls to be flying Johnson’s way.   

Ceiling = 8-8

Floor = 2-14
No Credentials Prediction = 6-10

2. New York Jets

2010 Record = 11-5 (2^nd in Division, Lost AFC Championship Game @ Steelers)

Key Additions = WR Plaxico Burress, LB Aaron Maybin
Key Losses = WR Braylon Edwards, DE Shaun Ellis, DT Kris Jenkins, LB Jason Taylor

Schedule = Cowboys, Jaguars, @ Raiders, @ Ravens, @ Patriots, Dolphins, Chargers, BYE, @ Bills, Patriots, @ Broncos, Bills, @ Redskins, Chiefs, @ Eagles, Giants, @ Dolphins

Real-Life Outlook = So let me get this straight. A team that starts a quarterback that is barely able to complete half of his passes, that downgraded at wide receiver (believe it or not, Braylon Edwards is better than Plaxico), and lost three solid defensive starters is supposed to be a Super Bowl favorite? Unless Mark Sanchez turns into the 1998 version of Vinny Testaverde, this team is destined for another uneven 10-6 season (which most fan bases wouldn’t complain about, but obnoxious Jets fans won’t be satisfied).

Ceiling = 13-3

Floor = 8-8
No Credentials Prediction = 10-6

1. New England Patriots

2010 Record = 14-2 (1^st in Division, Lost Divisional Round Game vs. Jets)

Key Additions = G Brian Waters, WR Chad Ochocinco, DT Albert Haynesworth, DE Shaun Ellis
Key Losses = DE Ty Warren, S Brandon Meriweather

Schedule = @ Dolphins, Chargers, @ Bills, @ Raiders, Jets, Cowboys, BYE, @ Steelers, Giants, @ Jets, Chiefs, @ Eagles, Colts, @ Redskins, @ Broncos, Dolphins, Bills

Real-Life Outlook = Only surpassed by Philadelphia in terms of the most high profile off season moves, New England appears poised to win another AFC East title. Signing perennial Pro Bowler Brian Waters will do wonders for the offensive line (expect a big season from Ben-Jarvis Green-Ellis, aka “The Firm”), and the Patriots young defense can only get better. Barring injury, New England will win the division.

Ceiling = 13-3
Floor = 9-7
No Credentials Prediction = 12-4