10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (2/15-2/17)

10. Rick Grimes Keeps Seeing His Dead Wife
            I watch “The Walking Dead” to see zombies, not a dude going bonkers and making out with a ghost.

9. Rafael Nadal Wins First Tennis Tournament Since Returning From Injury

            Tennis is way more interest when Nadal is in the mix. That’s your Troy Aikman-esque comment of the day, sponsored by “You’re Absolutely Right Joe”.

8. Lionel Messi Scores 300^th Career Goal For Barcelona

            Here’s your obligatory mention of futbol in the weekly top 10 to soak up some cheap page hits from Europe.

7. Terrance Ross Wins the Worst Dunk Contest Ever

            Want to get some stars into the dunk contest? Let’s offer a $1 million (after taxes) to the winner. You’ll get some name guys to particpate for that prize.

6. Michael Kidd-Gilchrist Admits He Lost 1-on-1 Game Against Michael Jordan

            I’d make fun of Kidd-Gilchrist more, but I once got up-faked by a dude in his sixties a couple of years back.

5. #2 Duke Gets Upset By Maryland
            Here’s this week’s installment of the “Big Time College Basketball Upset That No Credentials Doesn’t Give A Shit About”, sponsored by Apple Cider Vinegar.

4. Kyrie Irving Takes Home 3-Point Shootout Championship

            An impressive showing by the Cavaliers budding superstar point guard, who scored 23 out of a possible 30 points in the final round against New Hampshire’s own Matt Bonner.

3. Kevin Harvick Starts Lame-Duck Season With Sprint Unlimited Win
            We won’t put too much stock in this win as the majority of the top teams were knocked out early in the race, so don’t look for Harvick to be ranked very high in this week’s NASCAR season preview.

2. Danica Patrick Wins Daytona 500 Pole

            NASCAR has a long list of “storybook” outcomes, so here’s where Danica’s pole winning run ranks.

1. Richard Petty claiming his 200^th and final career win with Ronald Reagan in attendance at the 1984 Firecracker 400 (Petty was, and still is, a diehard Republican, so this victory turned into a glorified campaign stop for Reagan while he was running for his second term in office).

2. Dale Earnhardt Jr. winning the Pepsi 400 just five months after his father died in a last-lap crash in the 500 (as someone who watched the whole race live, I don’t care about the conspiracy theory. That was the most memorable NASCAR victory by anyone of the entire decade).
3. Danica Patrick winning the pole for this year’s Daytona 500.

            You might think I’d come down negatively on this, but you’d be mistaken. Qualifying at Daytona is in the discussion of most boring things you could ever watch on television. Furthermore, qualifying means very little at a restrictor plate track where cars zoom from the back to the front in less than a handful of laps. If NASCAR did anything to “encourage” a pole-winning run by Patrick, I’d call that some damn good marketing.

1. Chris Paul Quarterbacks West Win in NBA All-Star Game

            Paul was the MVP, Kevin Durant was the best scorer, but it was Kobe Bryant’s two blocks of Lebron James that will go in the books as the most memorable moments of the game.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (1/27-1/29)

10. Agent Reveals That Sidney Crosby Had a Serious Neck Injury
            I’d be a little discouraged (actually scratch that, terrified) if I was a member of the Penguins and knew that the team doctors somehow missed a fracture of the C1 and C2 vertebrae.

9. Tiger Finishes Third After Being Tied For the Lead Through 54 Holes

            It was discouraging to see a journeyman outplay Tiger in the final round, but a top-3 finish isn’t a bad way for Woods to start the year. He starts his first event in the U.S. in ten days at Pebble Beach.

8. Rashad Evans Dominates Phil Davis

            The lesson that one can take from this fight is to never bet on the guy who is wearing pink shorts.

7. Everton and Landon Donovan Defeat Fulham and Clint Dempsey

            It’s pretty cool that the top two American players were on opposite sides in the FA Cup Friday night.

6. Mavericks Nearly Choke, Somehow Defeat San Antonio

            Pretty scary for Dallas that the last 51 points for the Spurs were scored by their bench. Dirk may have returned, but all is not well for Mark Cuban and the Mavericks.

5. Fourteen Year Old Girl Wins a Pro Golf Tournament

            About the only things I was pretty good at when I was fourteen was Madden and developing pimples. Needless to say, Kydia Ko has a little more to brag about.

4. Team Chara Beats Team Alfredsson in NHL All-Star Game

            I loved the NHL’s fantasy draft to form the all-star teams last season. For whatever reason, the gimmick didn’t get me going in year 2. Pushing negativity aside, it was still a fun game to watch (assuming you have no interest in defensive hockey). I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t mention that a member of The Greatest Fantasy Hockey Team That Probably Won’t Win a Championship, Marian Gaborik, was the game’s MVP.

3. Lebron James Jumps Over John Lucas

            What was worse for Lucas, Lebron dunking over him, or Lebron admitting after the game that he didn’t even see Lucas while he was in the air?

2. Derrick Rose Bricks Two Free Throws, Miami Escapes

            Rose will take the heat (pun intended) for this loss, but Chicago should be happy they had a chance to win without Luol Deng.

1. Djokovic Outlasts Nadal, Wins Longest Grand Slam Final Ever 

            I have six words that will explain how a tennis match reached the number one spot on one of these lists for the first time…five hours and fifty-three fucking minutes.                                                                                      

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (6/3-6/5)

10. Drone Kills Top Al-Qaida Militant

            Other than being a terrorist, Ilyas Kashmiri will be best remembered for having an epic beard and a cool pair of aviators.

9. Carlos Zambrano Goes Bonkers, Rips Chicago Cubs

            It was only a matter of time before Zambrano went off about the state of the sorry team he plays for.

8. GM Donnie Walsh Leaves New York Knicks

            As a Celtics fan, I’m very excited that Isaiah Thomas now has an opportunity to screw up the New York Knicks again. 

7. Maradona Calls FIFA Leaders “Dinosaurs”

            Maradona, who is essentially Argentina’s answer to Ozzie Guillen, should have a microphone put in front of his face everyday.

6. Rafael Nadal Wins French Open Final Against Roger Federer

            Along with winning a record tying 6^th French Open, Nadal also secured his place as the most successful male on Earth who regularly wears Capri’s. Currently in a distant second in that competition is Clinton from TLC’s “What Not to Wear”.

5. Brad Keselowski Steals Win at Kansas

            Similar to last week when NASCAR needed a Dale Earnhardt Jr. victory to knock the Indianapolis 500 off the headlines, this week a Junior win would’ve knocked the Kyle Busch and Richard Childress out of the spotlight. Dale Jr. came up just short again, finishing second to Keselowski in a race decided by fuel mileage.

4. Shaq Retires

            His final year in Boston was destroyed by injuries, but that doesn’t lessen the impact Shaq has had on the game the past 19 years.

3. 65-Year Old Richard Childress Beats the Snot Out of Kyle Busch

            Childress was a little cowardly knowing that Busch couldn’t fight back because he was already on probation, but kudos him for sticking up for his drivers. Not to mention that the dude is old enough to collect Social Security. 

2. Canucks Score 11 Seconds Into Overtime, Take 2-0 Lead Over Boston

            You can debate until your blue in the face whether or not Canucks forward Alex Burrows should’ve been suspended after biting Patrice Bergeron’s glove (my take...if he bit into actual flesh, that’s obviously suspension worthy. However, it is odd behavior to bite into a thick hockey glove, but not suspension worthy). One can’t deny his impact on Game 2. Burrows was all over the place, scoring two goals and assisting on Daniel Sedin’s tying goal with just over 10 minutes left in regulation. 

1. Dirk Misses at the Buzzer, Miami Survives Game 3

            Poor Nowitzki is going to need three weeks of bed rest after the Finals are over after carrying the Mavericks on his back during the playoffs. He may get some blame for missing the shot at the end that could’ve put the game into overtime, but I’ll pin Mavericks loss on the inability of their point guards to hit wide-open jumpers. Jason Kidd and JJ Barea need to shoot better than 5-16 for Dallas to even the series.