1000% Informed Kentucky Derby Pick

            Last year, I wrote a Kentucky Derby preview mostly as a means to make fun of the dumb names given to the horses, and partially because I’m a gambling degenerate who needed to cross betting on the Kentucky Derby off of my bucket list. What happened a year ago would go down in the books as one of the top five gambling moments of my life.

 

            Miraculously, No Credentials netted $240 off of a race I knew nothing about. Looking to catch lightning in a bottle for the second time, we’re offering up our second annual Kentucky Derby ranking of all the horses. Here’s our 100% successful method of choosing the winning horse.

1.                      The horse has to have a cool name. Kind of like pro athletes and actors, if the horse doesn’t have a name, he doesn’t have a game.

2.                      I want some good odds. Most experts agree that it’s a wide-open field again, so I’d rather take a chance at a greater payday than go for the favorite. For example, a $20 bet on Orb will net you $70, while a $20 bet on Frac Daddy would net you $1000.

3.                      If a horse covers the first two bases, I needed to find at least one writer on-line who thought that horse could win.

Without further ado, here are our rankings of the 2013 field.

20. Charming Kitten (20-1)

            A name like this happens when parents let their spoiled twat of a daughter name the poor horse.

19. Itsmyluckyday (15-1)

            We researched this last year, and we’ll say it again. No horse with four words in its name has ever won the Kentucky Derby. Not even putting all four words together will trick the horse racing gods.

18. Lines of Battle (30-1)

            Lines of Battle sounds like the name of a Tom Clancy novel. I hate Tom Clancy novels.

17. Falling Sky (50-1)

            Anytime you have the chance to name a horse after a cheaply produced TNT drama, you have to do it. I guess.

16. Black Onyx (50-1)

            Props go out to the owner who decided to honor one of the first Japanese RPGs ever made, but Black Onyx has no chance starting in post 1.

15. Giant Finish (50-1)

            Naming an elite racehorse something as mundane as Giant Finish would be like instead of naming their classic album “Dark Side of the Moon”, Pink Floyd settled on calling it “Cool Songs”.

14. Oxbow (30-1)

            What would possess someone to name a horse after a U-shaped frame?

13. Golden Soul (50-1)

            When I first read this name, I thought it was the title of the latest tear-jerking true story written by Mitch Albom.

(EDITORS NOTE: For those scoring at home, we just set a record for the most references made to books in the same column)

12. Overanalyze (15-1)

            I thought about writing an extended analysis of Overanalyze’s chances in the Derby, but after considering it for several minutes, opted to keep it to one rambling sentence where I neither endorse nor disparage the horse in question.

11. Will Take Charge (20-1)

            Reminiscent of Take Charge Indy, who sucked balls in last year’s race.

(EDITORS NOTE: I actually don’t remember where Take Charge Indy finished. I was contractually obligated to use the phrase “sucked balls” and figured this was the best way to do it)

10. Vyjack (15-1)

            I had Vyjack ranked in my initial top-5 until I discovered he’s recovering from an infection he had last month. No details on what the infection was, but hopefully Lindsay Lohan had nothing to do with it.

9. Goldencents (5-1)

            Rick Pitino has a minority ownership stake in Goldencents, which means I would love his chances of winning if the race only lasted 30 seconds.

8. Mylute (15-1)

            Rather than naming it after a musical instrument from the middle ages, I would’ve voted to name Mylute “Fender Telecaster” instead.

7. Revolutionary (10-1)

            I’m all for patriotic horses, but I’m not a fan of the three hole out of the starting gate.

6. Verrazano (4-1)

            Assuming that Verrazano is named after the Florentine explorer, it’s not good to name a horse after a dude that was eaten by South Americans.

5. Java’s War (15-1)

            Is the name of this horse referring to coffee’s war against energy drinks?

4. Orb (7-2)

 

            Orbs were a key part of the mythology of “Star Trek Deep Space 9”. That has no relevance to the race, I just thought I would note it.

3. Palace Malice (20-1)

            I wanted to place a wager on the horse whose name is loosely associated with the most famous sports brawl of the 21^st century.

 

            Unfortunately, I can’t find a writer anywhere who gives him a chance of winning. We have to cover all three bases for a horse to earn my bet.

2. Frac Daddy (50-1)

            ESPN’s Hank Greenberg, who is the network’s most famous gambling degenerate, got No Credentials all excited when he endorsed Frac Daddy yesterday. I just can’t pull the trigger on a horse who will either finish first or twentieth.  

1. Normandy Invasion (12-1)

            Just in case you’re drawing a blank on what Normandy Invasion is named for…

            I’m not crazy about his starting post, but in No Credentials opinion, it would be downright un-American to not pull for Normany Invasion Saturday evening.