Bobby Valentine - "I'm Keeping the Seat Warm for Francona"

Chicago, IL (AP) – Bobby Valentine dropped a bombshell before Thursday’s game with the White Sox, revealing that Boston hired him as a ploy to return the fan’s faith in former manager Terry Francona.

            “John Henry thought it would take until June for Red Sox Nation to begin chanting for Terry,” says Valentine, “Needless to say, I’ve exceeded his expectations.”
            Executives in the Red Sox front office never wanted to fire Francona after last season, but according to Valentine, knew Red Sox Nation would not be happy if they didn’t make a change after their disastrous performance in September.
           “The folks running this team know Boston fans have the I.Q. of an infant squirrel,” a relaxed Valentine said while leaning back in his chair, “So by hiring a dummy like me to run the team, Red Sox Nation would immediately forget about one of the worst September collapses in baseball history.” Valentine went on to rant about how he doesn’t fit in with the Red Sox.
            “You know I like to do things like lay on tanning beds, or lay out in the sun, or you know, any activity that makes my skin more orange. During the first day of Spring Training, Pedroia asked if I wanted to play a game of cribbage. Cribbage! My Nana played cribbage. I don’t belong in a place where I have to play board games with people.”
            Valentine didn’t say whether or not ESPN was in on the scheme, but did say that if Francona were rehired, it would be very likely that he would return to television.