No Credentials "Mailbag" 9/23/11

            Good friend of the blog Ryan Brooks sent me this message via Facebook after I posted my Chase preview.

Answer my question dick.

            I guess it’s time for a No Credentials Mailbag. As always, these are real or fake questions from real or fake readers.

            What will I do when twelve-year-old girls don’t like me anymore? – Justin B., London, Ontario, Canada

            Hopefully you’ll fall so far out of the public eye that when your name randomly comes up in conversation ten years from now, people will wonder if you fell off the face of the Earth.
 
            Did Wade Phillips take over the Kansas City Chiefs while no one was looking? – Jason B., San Antonio, TX
            Wade’s doing a solid job as the Texans defensive coordinator so far (although playing the Colts and Dolphins weren’t exactly tough tests, we’ll see how Wade and the Texans’ defense fairs against New Orleans Sunday). It does appear that Todd Haley has taken a page out of the Wade Phillips 2010 playbook. The team is decimated by injuries, but that doesn’t excuse the lack of effort during the first two weeks. Haley is either actively trying to get fired or he’s been given orders to tank so Kansas City can get Andrew Luck. Speaking of Luck, here is the list of teams that appear to have a great shot at securing the number on pick in the 2012 NFL Draft.

Chiefs

Colts
Dolphins
49ers
Seahawks

            When did No Credentials become a straight NFL blog? What the hell? – Maria C., Saratoga, NY

            Sorry Maria, but baseball is boring, the NBA is in the middle of lockout (with no end in sight), I know you don’t want me to write about NASCAR (I can see my page views), NHL isn’t cranked up yet, Tiger Woods hasn’t started hooking up with porn stars so he can revive his golf career, I’m not home during the day enough to follow the Premier League, and it’s to damn hard to type a “j” after a “d” to talk about tennis. So you’re stuck with a whole lot of football talk.

            Can you estimate how many parties we left early in high school to go home and play Madden? – Ethan H., North Conway, NH

            I’ll set the over/under at 40. Note to all you kids out there that get yelled at by your parents because you play too much Madden. Just tell them that you could be out drinking and getting in trouble instead. I know my liver would’ve been much happier if I stayed home more often.

            I always knew I was a decent quarterback, but I didn’t realize I was that good until watching Kerry Collins start the first two games for the Colts. – Peyton M., Indianapolis, IN

            It’s insane how different the Colts look without Manning. This was literally the only team in the history of the NFL that built its defense around their quarterback (Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis are built to rush the passer after their offense has given them a lead, not to stop the run in a tight game). It’s going to be a long year for the Colts.
            Jumping off of that idea, what happens if Indianapolis ends up with the top pick in the draft? Could Indianapolis get a better package if they traded Peyton Manning, or if they traded the rights to Andrew Luck? Herm Edwards will be out of action on ESPN for a while with an exploded skull if this happens.

            Hey man I’m a 19-year old college student at BU. I work at a local grocery store for beer money. The other day this fairly attractive lady came through my checkout line. She paid by check, so I had to see her license, and it turned out she was 57 years old.
            To make a long story short (and to pay homage to Bill Clinton), would it of been appropriate for me to engage in sexual relations with this woman, and if not, what are my guidelines in terms of what ages I can hook-up with? – Jackson D., Brighton, MA
            Social guideline questions…I don’t get enough of these! Here are my standard rules for both sexes if you find yourself in the clutches of a cougar (or a youngster).

18-52 = Fair Game. Adjust this number up or down based on the ratio of the opposite sex that is in the area you live in. For example, if you are a male in Alaska, go ahead and bump that top end number up to 60.

Once you hit the age of 38, add fifteen years to your limit. So if you’re 49, you’re good to go with someone who is 64.

Once you are 60, there is no top end restriction. 60-120 is all the same in the world of No Credentials.

              Can we expect to see an in-depth NHL preview? Preseason just started yesterday. – Luc P., Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada

            Wasn’t planning on it, but since the NBA is actively trying to destroy all the good will they built up last season, I do plan on flinging together a quick NHL preview within the next week or so. As long as there is no professional basketball, there will be plenty of hockey commentary throughout the season.

Give me the winner of the major MLB player awards this year and a one-sentence explanation of why that player deserves it. – Amy K., Cleveland, OH

            Haven’t watched enough baseball this year, but here’s an uninformed unprofessional writers opinion.

NL MVP = Ryan Braun, OF, Brewers – Not a sexy choice because Prince Fielder is also on the team, but Braun is one of the top all-around players in the game.

NL Cy Young = Clayton Kershaw, SP, Dodgers – Kershaw has thrived despite the mess around him in Los Angeles.

AL MVP and AL Cy Young = Justin Verlander, SP, Tigers – You can make a case for Jacoby Ellsbury, Curtis Granderson, or Robinson Cano, but Detroit is a fourth place team if Verlander wasn’t pitching for them.

            If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? – Megan L., Silver Lake, NH

            The most logical explanation I could come up with on the web is that the song is about a slave who is celebrating because his master is away. Not a sexy answer, but it seems to be the most reasonable.      

            In your Chase Preview you said Tony Stewart would be lucky to run in the top-15 during the final ten races. He went out and won the first race at Chicago. Defend yourself. – Nicole, Augusta, GA
            To the uninformed reader that it may have looked like No Credentials was way off, but the bottom line is a driver who said himself he had no business being in The Chase stole a gas mileage race. He’ll look good in New Hampshire again this week, but it will be all down hill from there. Remember this paragraph when Stewart is hoisting the trophy in November.

            My girlfriend asked me about for an opinion about Casey Anthony. I said I knew nothing about her story, but thought she was kind of sexy. My girlfriend then quickly became my ex-girlfriend. Thoughts? – Derek E., Walpole, MA

            This question should’ve been in the mailbag two months ago, but unfortunately slipped through the cracks. About the only thing I can think of that women care about disproportionably more then men is the menstrual cycle. That’s it.  

            I can’t help it. I love words and how we can on occasion manipulate them to flow like a cascading waterfall. That flow of water never has and will not apologize for it’s continuous babble. If I smoke, I’d choke down a carton a day with Dice Clay and pick on Carlin for eating broccoli. If I drove a racecar, Goodyear’s profits would make Bill Gates feel poor. If I boxed, Tyson would not only be Van Gogh he would be neutered. Hell if I were banging rocks, Charlie Sheen would HAVE to admit I was winning. So forgive me for my long-winded approach to a seemingly simple question and answer.

              Okay, this rant is almost under control, so if licking on a given item (a Tootsie Pop I believe is its origin), how many licks does it take to get to the center? And once you get there, what is the relevance of the center? – Ryan B., Kearsarge, NH
            You almost lost me at Van Gogh, but I think I have a simple answer for this one (minus the how many licks part. That’s all relative to whatever proverbial Tootsie Pop you happen to be sucking on). Essentially, the relevance of getting to the center is the accomplishment of getting there. Whether your center is completing an important job, graduating college, or simply finishing a Tootsie Pop, it’s the conclusion of the journey that matters.