For better or worse, ESPN has become almost as big a part of the sports viewing experience as the actual sports. Part of that experience is the individuals ESPN has chosen to be the commentators. Some of them are great. Trent Dilfer is a solid NFL announcer who should be swapped out with Ron Jaworski for the Monday night broadcasts (in my opinion). Kirk Herbstreit is an excellent college football commentator. This may surprise you, but I enjoy listening to Doris Burke’s analysis of NBA games.
However, sometimes, ESPN misses terribly. In my opinion, here are the 10 biggest schmucks that have worked for ESPN in the past decade. Feel free to post disagreements or nominate others in the comments section below this post.
10. Matt Millen – The problem with Millen isn’t necessarily the points he makes (the guy knows football, and was a great broadcaster for FOX back in the day working with a not yet senile Dick Stockton), but the knowledge that he somehow made the Detroit Lions even more of a laughingstock than they already were. When ESPN lists Millen’s credentials, they should make sure to note he was the architect of a 0-16 team.
9. Mike Patrick – Is there anything sadder than when a broadcaster who used to be serviceable becomes so old that he can’t remember who each team’s starting quarterback is? Even Pat Summerall (for my money, the greatest play-by-play football announcer ever) had this happen to him in the mid-90s. Mike Patrick hit that point sometime around 2003, and amazingly, ESPN still has him doing college football and basketball games. Patrick was solid back in the day during ESPN’s Sunday Night Football games, but he’s way past his prime.
8. Rusty Wallace – I’m assuming that most of you that read this don’t watch NASCAR, so let me provide you a typical Rusty Wallace comment during ESPN’s pre-race shows.
“I’ve gotta tell ya, when we won the championship in ’89, we were the fastest cat on the track, but let me tell ya, that Kyle Busch, that guy is a fast cat. That cat is fast.”
Since I mentioned Rusty Wallace, here are a couple of epic crashes he had. These have no relevance to this post, but NASCAR crashes are awesome, so there.
7. Mike Lupica – Lupica is the annoying little runt you can see every Sunday morning on “The Sports Reporters”. His book “The Summer of ‘98”, which celebrated the home run exploits of Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, is the best of evidence of the media’s ignorance over steroid use in baseball.
6. Chris Berman – I’m as big a fan of classic rock as there is, but if for just once, Berman could come up with a nickname that would reference a song that debuted later than 1985, I’d be so excited. If Berman is calling a baseball game, do yourself a favor and hit the mute button.
5. Stephen A. Smith – I tried desperately to search for video of Stephan A. Smith saying “SLAAAVA MEDVEDEEEEEEEEEENNNNKKKKOOOOO” derisively in regards to the quality of the 2004 Los Angeles Lakers (which would have summed up why Stephen A. is so high on this list), but instead all I found was this hilarious post game interview of Medvedenko. Enjoy.
4. Emmitt Smith – This is a tough one for me. Loyal readers of this blog (all four of you) will recall that I am a die-hard Dallas Cowboys fan. Emmitt was the key component of the 1990s dynasty (for those of you that think otherwise, look at the 1993 season. Emmitt held out the first two games. Dallas lost both of them. Emmitt returned for the 3rd game. They went 12-2 the rest of the regular season, and went on to win their 2nd straight Super Bowl). However, broadcasting was not his forte. It’s unclear what Emmitt was better at, playing runningback or butchering the English language. For an extended Emmitt speech, click here. If you prefer seeing a medley of errors, click here.
3. Joe Morgan – Morgan is essentially the African-American version of FOX announcer Tim McCarver. Both are old farts that don’t totally understand advanced baseball statistics. Both have odd fascinations with the effects of leadoff walks (here’s Morgan’s opinion on them), and both got a little too long in the tooth (check out some senile words of wisdom from McCarver right here). The only thing different between these two is ESPN finally came to their senses and got rid of Joe Morgan.
2. Lou Holtz – You can count on three things when you watch any segment featuring Lou Holtz.
- He’s going to pick Notre Dame to win, even if USC is favored to beat them by 45 points.
- He’s going to pick South Carolina to win.
- He’s going to make little to no sense.
1. Steve Phillips – Phillips secured the all-time #1 spot on this list in my book when he was canned by ESPN for having an affair with a 22-year old production assistant. He should’ve been let go long before that for being a preening schmo. Phillips would have you believe that the 2000 Mets team he was the GM for was the modern version of the 1927 Yankees. Phillips was just a real creepy dude that had no business offering his opinions on live television.
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