Ebola Was Overrated, and Other Things About 2014

            A couple of you have asked where No Credentials has been the last few months. We regret the lack of activity, but it can be chalked up to multiple factors.

1. I have a new job, and the schedule I work doesn’t fit my previous pattern of posting.
2. My son is a terrorist.
3. Okay my son isn’t really a terrorist, but he’s an energetic four year old who never fails to wake up early and does everything in his power to stay up as late as possible. I love him dearly, but he wears my wife and I out daily.
4. The Dallas Cowboys have done pretty well since we’ve gone mute, so I haven’t wanted to disrupt the cosmic workings of the universe.
5. I’m pretty damn lazy.

         With all that said, we want to hand out some fake awards to recap the year. These are things I could’ve posted about if I had any form of drive or motivation to do so.

Best Play = Odell Beckham’s Catch Against the Cowboys

            In a vacuum, Beckham’s Internet-breaking grab was the most athletic thing I’ve ever seen on a football field.

            However, folks need to pump the brakes on calling it the greatest catch in the history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. The Giants didn’t even win the game, and the team sputtered to a 6-10 finish. For our money, David Tyree’s Helmet Catch was the greatest grab in NFL history. Let’s punch Patriots’ fans in the stomach by posting the video of it.

Honorable Mention = Marshawn Lynch going ham on the Cardinals.

Most Overrated = Ebola’s Impact on the United States

            When Ebola first surfaced on American soil, I had conversations with people who genuinely believed the government was behind the outbreak in an attempt to eliminate a large part of the population. I’m guessing these same people bought a lot of canned vegetables in 2012.

(EDITORS NOTE: We understand that Ebola is a serious disease that is ravaging Africa)

Honorable Mention = Kirk Cousins (holy shit he sucks. Cousins owes me a refund for the money I wagered on the Deadskins against the Giants in Week 4)

Best Kids Show = Henry Danger

            We were all in on Nickelodeon’s superhero show the first time Captain Man hit on Henry’s mom.

No Credentials Video Game of the Year = Clash of Clans

            I’m not proud of it.

Honorable Mention = Candy Crush (I’m not proud of that either)

Most Memorable Bad Team = Cleveland Browns

            In the AP Report on Josh Gordon’s suspension last week, the words “the team was unable to locate Gordon and quarterback Johnny Manziel Friday night” were actually printed. Somehow, a terrible Kevin Costner movie was the lone highlight of 2014 for the Cleveland Browns.

Honorable Mention = Sacramento Kings (Boogie!!!)

Team of the Year = 2013-14 San Antonio Spurs

            How they were so easily able to dismantle the Miami Heat in the Finals, and put an end to the “Big Two featuring a Broken Down Dwyane Wade” era, earns San Antonio team of the year status.

Honorable Mention = 2013-14 Seattle Seahawks, 2014 Boston Red Sox (just kidding!)

The Next Great One = Anthony Davis

            The Brow is improving year by year at a rate never seen in the NBA before. He’s going to be great on the Lakers in two years.

Honorable Mention = Andrew Luck

Most Ignorant = NASCAR Fans

            NASCAR fans will literally bitch about anything. It’s the worst fan base in sports.

League of the Year = NBA

            It was a great year for the NBA for a multitude of reasons. Adam Silver took over as the new commish, and immediately became the most powerful leader in sports when he removed Donald Sterling from the Clippers. We already discussed the Spurs, whose title run was fueled by incredible passing from every spot on the floor. The league goes into 2015 with the most teams having a realistic chance at a title in the history of the NBA. It is a great time to be a fan of The Association.

Film of the Year = The Lego Movie

            If you don’t have kids, I fully advise you to rent one for a day so you don’t feel weird watching The Lego Movie.

Most Valuable Player = Madison Bumgarner

            He’ll probably need Tommy John Surgery in six months, but who cares? Bumgarner was amazing in carrying the Giants to their third title in five years.

            We’ll try to write more as we enter 2015. NFL picks will be back for the Wildcard Round Friday. Have a safe and Happy New Years everyone (don’t drive drunk kids). 

NFL Power Rankings

            We are 75% of the way through the NFL regular season (sad, but true!), and now is the time where teams begin to really separate themselves. What better time to offer up a ranking of every NFL squad.

First Overall Pick Contenders

32. Oakland Raiders (1-11) – Well, at least they’ve won a game. It would be best for them to lose out so they can lock up the number one pick. Drafting a quarterback or trading the pick to surround Derek Carr with more talent are both great options.

31. New York Jets (2-10) – Rex Ryan deserves better than the putrid roster he’s forced to work with on a weekly basis.

30. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-10) – Blake Bortles has been emphatically uninspiring, which means he’s either the next Troy Aikman or the next Blaine Gabbert.

29. Tennessee Titans (2-10) – There are decent players here, but the quarterback situation is so dreadful there is no hope of contention. If Oakland were to trade the number one overall pick, Tennessee would be the most logical trade partner.

28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-10) – Tampa Bay is so bad, they are out of playoff contention in a division that is led by a team that is 5-7. We think they’d like to take the contract they gave Josh McCown back.

Hopelessly Irrelevant

27. Carolina Panthers (3-8-1) – Everyone expected the offense to struggle, but no one thought the defense would fall off so dramatically from last year.

26. Washington (3-9) – If not for the infamous Herschel Walker trade from Dallas to Minnesota in 1989, the RGIII trade would go down as the worst transaction in NFL history.

25. New York Giants (3-9) – Remember when the Giants were 3-2 this year after emphatically ending the “Kirk Cousins is the second coming of Joe Theismann” campaign in Washington? Me neither.

24. Chicago Bears (5-7) – I hope Marc Trestman has his resume up to date.

They Play in the NFC South, So They Are Sort Of Relevant

23. Atlanta Falcons (5-7) – Incredibly, the team we have ranked as the tenth worst club in the league is leading their division going into the last month of the regular season.

Good Bad Teams

22. Minnesota Vikings (5-7)

21. St. Louis Rams (5-7) – We put these clubs together because both squads are a pain in the ass to play. Minnesota in particular deserves props for how well they’ve played despite the Adrian Peterson situation hanging over their franchise.

20. Houston Texans (6-6) – Oddly enough, the only team in football with a .500 record. Houston is a solid quarterback away from serious playoff contention.

19. Cleveland Browns (7-5) – It’s time to get Johnny Fucking Football onto the field.

18. New Orleans Saints (5-7) – We really want the Saints to go 3-1 so we can avoid a 7-9 team making the playoffs. Let’s look at their remaining schedule.

Week 14 = vs. Panthers (WIN)

Week 15 = @ Bears (WIN, the Bears are garbage)

Week 16 = vs. Falcons (WIN, and they clinch the NFC South with the victory)

Week 17 = @ Buccaneers (LOSS, they will have nothing to play for)

            You heard it here first…the Saints will finish 8-8.

17. Buffalo Bills (7-5) – We can’t in good faith rank a team quarterbacked by Kyle Orton any higher.

Enigmas

16. San Francisco 49ers (7-5) – We’re not sure if it’s the hoopla surrounding Jim Harbaugh’s contract status, the league figuring out Colin Kaepernick, or Frank Gore finally losing it, but something is just off with the 49ers this year.

15. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-5) – Pittsburgh is really going to regret losing against two of the five worst teams in the NFL.

14. Kansas City Chiefs (7-5) – Kansas City is really going to regret their shocking loss at Oakland.

13. Baltimore Ravens (7-5) – Baltimore is really going to regret that late game collapse against San Diego.

12. San Diego Chargers (8-4) – San Diego’s defense has completely fallen apart, but Phil Rivers has literally put the team on his back.

11. Miami Dolphins (7-5) – I’d like the Dolphins so much more if Ryan Tannehill could consistently complete a pass that needs to travel more than 15 yards through the air.

Wish They Had Their Starting QB

10. Arizona Cardinals (9-3) – It’s a damn shame Carson Palmer went down, otherwise the Cardinals would be ranked third or fourth on this list. With Drew Stanton under center, they will be lucky to go 2-2 in December (remaining schedule is Chiefs, @ Rams, Seahawks, @ 49ers).

Best Case Scenario = Winning One Playoff Game

9. Dallas Cowboys (8-4) – I’ll admit the loss on Thanksgiving was pretty demoralizing, but you have to remember that all of our losses have occurred at home. If we can climb into a wildcard spot, it’s not unrealistic to think we could make noise in January.

8. Detroit Lions (8-4) – Detroit boasts the best scoring defense in THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, and there is enough star power on offense to think they could get hot in the playoffs.

7. Cincinnati Bengals (8-3-1) – We’d like to rank them higher, but then we remember Andy Dalton is the Bengals starting quarterback.

6. Indianapolis Colts (8-4) – Indy has gotten smoked whenever they've taken the field against an elite team, but Andrew Luck has the ability to put the Colts on his back in the playoffs.

Super Bowl Contenders

5. Philadelphia Eagles (9-3) – The Eagles are an elite quarterback away from being the best team in football. Having Nick Foles or Mark Sanchez under center in January will be a problem.

4. Seattle Seahawks (8-4) – Seattle is flying under the radar, but we’re forecasting a first round bye for the defending Super Bowl champs.

3. Green Bay Packers (9-3) – In a season full of impressive quarterback performances, what Aaron Rodgers did to lead the Packers to victory over the Patriots is near the top of the list.

2. Denver Broncos (9-3) – Denver righted themselves offensively after they laid an egg in St. Louis.

1. New England Patriots (9-3) – There is no shame in losing at Lambeau Field, but the Patriots can’t afford to slip up the rest of the way.