We
are 75% of the way through the NFL regular season (sad, but true!), and now is
the time where teams begin to really separate themselves. What better time to
offer up a ranking of every NFL squad.
First Overall Pick Contenders
32. Oakland Raiders (1-11) – Well, at least
they’ve won a game. It would be best for them to lose out so they can lock up
the number one pick. Drafting a quarterback or trading the pick to surround
Derek Carr with more talent are both great options.
31. New York Jets (2-10) – Rex Ryan deserves better
than the putrid roster he’s forced to work with on a weekly basis.
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-10) – Blake Bortles has
been emphatically uninspiring, which means he’s either the next Troy Aikman or
the next Blaine Gabbert.
29. Tennessee Titans (2-10) – There are decent
players here, but the quarterback situation is so dreadful there is no hope of
contention. If Oakland were to trade the number one overall pick, Tennessee
would be the most logical trade partner.
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-10) – Tampa Bay is so
bad, they are out of playoff contention in a division that is led by a team
that is 5-7. We think they’d like to take the contract they gave Josh McCown
back.
Hopelessly Irrelevant
27. Carolina Panthers (3-8-1) – Everyone expected the
offense to struggle, but no one thought the defense would fall off so
dramatically from last year.
26. Washington (3-9) – If not for the infamous
Herschel Walker trade from Dallas to Minnesota in 1989, the RGIII trade would
go down as the worst transaction in NFL history.
25. New York Giants (3-9) – Remember when the Giants
were 3-2 this year after emphatically ending the “Kirk Cousins is the second
coming of Joe Theismann” campaign in Washington? Me neither.
24. Chicago Bears (5-7) – I hope Marc Trestman has
his resume up to date.
They Play in the NFC South, So They Are Sort Of Relevant
23. Atlanta Falcons (5-7) – Incredibly, the team we
have ranked as the tenth worst club in the league is leading their division
going into the last month of the regular season.
Good Bad Teams
22. Minnesota Vikings (5-7)
21. St. Louis Rams (5-7) – We put these clubs
together because both squads are a pain in the ass to play. Minnesota in
particular deserves props for how well they’ve played despite the Adrian
Peterson situation hanging over their franchise.
20. Houston Texans (6-6) – Oddly enough, the only
team in football with a .500 record. Houston is a solid quarterback away from
serious playoff contention.
19. Cleveland Browns (7-5) – It’s time to get Johnny
Fucking Football onto the field.
18. New Orleans Saints (5-7) – We really want the
Saints to go 3-1 so we can avoid a 7-9 team making the playoffs. Let’s look at
their remaining schedule.
Week 14 = vs. Panthers (WIN)
Week 15 = @ Bears (WIN, the Bears are garbage)
Week 16 = vs. Falcons (WIN, and they clinch the NFC South
with the victory)
Week 17 = @ Buccaneers (LOSS, they will have nothing to play
for)
You heard
it here first…the Saints will finish 8-8.
17. Buffalo Bills (7-5) – We can’t in good faith rank
a team quarterbacked by Kyle Orton any higher.
Enigmas
16. San Francisco 49ers (7-5) – We’re not sure if
it’s the hoopla surrounding Jim Harbaugh’s contract status, the league figuring
out Colin Kaepernick, or Frank Gore finally losing it, but something is just
off with the 49ers this year.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-5) – Pittsburgh is really
going to regret losing against two of the five worst teams in the NFL.
14. Kansas City Chiefs (7-5) – Kansas City is really
going to regret their shocking loss at Oakland.
13. Baltimore Ravens (7-5) – Baltimore is really
going to regret that late game collapse against San Diego.
12. San Diego Chargers (8-4) – San Diego’s defense
has completely fallen apart, but Phil Rivers has literally put the team on his
back.
11. Miami Dolphins (7-5) – I’d like the Dolphins so
much more if Ryan Tannehill could consistently complete a pass that needs to
travel more than 15 yards through the air.
Wish They Had Their Starting QB
10. Arizona Cardinals (9-3) – It’s a damn shame
Carson Palmer went down, otherwise the Cardinals would be ranked third or
fourth on this list. With Drew Stanton under center, they will be lucky to go
2-2 in December (remaining schedule is Chiefs, @ Rams, Seahawks, @ 49ers).
Best Case Scenario = Winning One Playoff Game
9. Dallas Cowboys (8-4) – I’ll admit the loss on
Thanksgiving was pretty demoralizing, but you have to remember that all of
our losses have occurred at home. If we can climb into a wildcard spot,
it’s not unrealistic to think we could make noise in January.
8. Detroit Lions (8-4) – Detroit boasts the best
scoring defense in THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, and there is enough star power
on offense to think they could get hot in the playoffs.
7. Cincinnati Bengals (8-3-1) – We’d like to rank
them higher, but then we remember Andy Dalton is the Bengals starting
quarterback.
6. Indianapolis Colts (8-4) – Indy has gotten smoked
whenever they've taken the field against an elite team, but Andrew Luck has the
ability to put the Colts on his back in the playoffs.
Super Bowl Contenders
5. Philadelphia Eagles (9-3) – The Eagles are an
elite quarterback away from being the best team in football. Having Nick Foles
or Mark Sanchez under center in January will be a problem.
4. Seattle Seahawks (8-4) – Seattle is flying under
the radar, but we’re forecasting a first round bye for the defending Super Bowl
champs.
3. Green Bay Packers (9-3) – In a season full of
impressive quarterback performances, what Aaron Rodgers did to lead the Packers
to victory over the Patriots is near the top of the list.
2. Denver Broncos (9-3) – Denver righted themselves
offensively after they laid an egg in St. Louis.
1. New England Patriots (9-3) – There is no shame in
losing at Lambeau Field, but the Patriots can’t afford to slip up the rest of
the way.
