We Have Opinions

            For the last three months, this blog hasn’t produced anything without “10 Awesome Things”, “NBA”, or “Picks” in the title. To kick-start a summer of (hopefully) writing about other things, we’d like to post some thoughts on a variety of topics.

We left Landon Donovan off the World Cup team? Really?

            I get it if you’re a country like Brazil or Spain that when a superstar player ages, he’s no longer good enough to stay on the team. Those countries are trying to win a championship, so it makes sense to bring the best roster you can. The United States should have no such aspirations, so leaving the most famous American soccer player off the roster is asinine. At least we’ll always have this goal against Algeria, which happened to occur on the day my son was born.

 

            The fact that the greatest moment in American soccer history came against Algeria reinforces my point that the United States is going nowhere in the World Cup. Donovan should be on this team.

Mark Cuban isn’t a racist

            He’s just a clumsy public speaker, who due to some poor phrasing marred a legitimate point. For example…

This person is more likely to beat you up

 

than this person

Teams will rue the day they didn’t draft Johnny Fucking Football

            Sure his ceiling is a more athletic version of Tony Romo, but there are at least 16 teams in THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE that would take that. We’re predicting that Manziel (who’s not an idiot) won’t run around as much as he did at Texas A&M, and within three years, will guide Cleveland to playoff contention.

Instead of letting Alex Ovechkin return to Russia, let’s trade him to another team

            For better or worse, there isn’t another player like Ovechkin in the NHL. With rumors that he’s considering staying in Russia and playing in the KHL next year, No Credentials feels that a change of scenery is necessary to keep Ovechkin in the United States. Here are our top 5 favorite potential destinations for the goal scoring extraordinaire.

1. Los Angeles Kings – we’re guessing he’d be excited to play out west.
2. Pittsburgh Penguins – Pittsburgh needs to shake things up a bit (that’s already happened in their front office), so why not swap Evgeni Malkin for Ovechkin? That will never happen, but if it did the Internet would explode in Canada.
3. Boston Bruins – Boston needs an elite goal scorer, and we’re guessing Claude “the Vacuum Salesman” Julien would be able to rein him in.
4. St. Louis Blues – Another deep team that lacks an elite goal scorer, Ovechkin could put them over the top.
5. Toronto Maple Leafs – A blockbuster acquisition of Ovechkin by Toronto would be destined to fail, which would be awesome to watch.

There isn’t a better movie idea than a film where Tom Cruise dies 1,573 times
            It’s an incredible premise. If there were such a thing as “Bible Thumper Movie Awards”, we’re guessing a film featuring the most (in)famous Scientologist dying over and over would slaughter the competition.

Babies are awesome, until they become mobile

            Enjoy the time you have while you’re able to plop your newborn into a bouncer or swing like a potato, because it’s all downhill once they start rolling.

No Credentials New Theory For MLB Starting Pitchers = Use Them While You Have Them

            We’ve seen pitchers who were coddled, with innings limits strictly imposed, end up needing Tommy John surgery (Stephen Strasburg). We’ve seen pitchers that were rushed to the major leagues, with minimal restrictions, end up needing Tommy John surgery (Jose Fernandez). The bottom line is, there’s really no way to predict when or if a pitcher will blow out his elbow. We aren’t advocating to have pitchers throw 130+ pitches per start, but if I’m running a MLB team, I’m using my best pitchers as often and as much as possible until they breakdown.     

Joey Logano is NASCAR’s first post-hype sleeper

            For non-fantasy baseball nerds, post-hype sleeper is a phrase given to a player that was hyped when he initially made it to the big leagues, then “under performed” for a few years, before breaking out well after most people assumed that player would ever reach his predicted ceiling (long sentence, but hopefully it made sense). Joey Logano fits the bill, which is stupid when you remember that he just turned 24 on Saturday.
            Sometime back in the mid-2000s, Mark Martin blessed Joey Logano with the nickname “Sliced Bread”, anointing him the next big thing in NASCAR. All of the major teams made overtures to ink him to a development deal, with Joe Gibbs Racing ultimately signing him. Logano debuted in Nationwide after he turned 18 and became the youngest winner in the history of the series. When Tony Stewart left to build his own team with Gene Haas, Logano was rushed into Sprint Cup in 2009. Logano won a couple of races during his time with Gibbs, but was ultimately let go to make room for Matt Kenseth. Ignorant fans (in other words, the vast majority of NASCAR viewers) figured Logano was finished even though he was only 22 years old. Roger Penske wisely scooped up him up to fill the seat vacated by A.J. Allmendinger, and the rest is history.
            Logano was a victim of the end of the “rush young drivers to the top-tier series” era launched by the success of Jeff Gordon (which never made sense, because Gordon spent a few years in the then Busch Series before his rookie year). Auto racing is a sport where drivers typically peak in their early to mid-30s, so for everyone to give up on Logano was preposterous. The vast majority of drivers didn’t get the chance to deliver after they initially flopped (click here to read about Casey Atwood, who’s arguably the best example of a young driver owners gave up on too early), but we’re happy Logano got the chance. There’s a good chance he’ll be battling with Kyle Larson and Chase Elliott for the next two decades.          

There is no such thing as “new” Michael Jackson songs

            All of the songs featured on Jackson’s second posthumous album were originally recorded between 1983 and 2002, so lets stop calling this new material.

I like super heroes as much as anyone, but holy shit let’s give them a rest on the big screen

            Ever since the extraordinary success of the Christopher Nolan Batman series, it seems movie studios want to revisit the complete stories of every comic book character ever invented. The problem is compounded by the studios that own the rights to the X-Men and Spiderman, who have to produce original movies every two years or else Disney (which now owns Marvel Comics) gains the rights to them. At some point enough of these films will bomb (we predict tough sledding for Marvel’s “Guardians of the Galaxy”, which is a comic with a fan base of roughly 602) that Hollywood will move on to beating some other genre into the ground.

2014 Olympic Men's Hockey Tournament Preview

             I’ll be honest…I could give a shit about the Winter Olympics. Other than Bob Costas having weird eye issues, nothing has caught No Credentials attention yet. That all changes tomorrow, as one of the most underrated sporting events on planet Earth begins. We’ll break down what makes the Olympic Men’s Hockey Tournament so awesome.

-         Unlike the basketball tournament in the Summer Olympics, more than three teams actually have a realistic chance of winning. You could make a case for eight of the twelve teams having at least a 1% chance of earning Gold Medals.

-         Every game feels like a Stanley Cup Playoffs game. Hockey players are wired differently than any other professional athlete, so even though they aren’t earning a normal paycheck to play in the Olympics, they compete twice as hard as they do in a regular season game.

-         While there is parity to an extent, the top-tier teams are ridiculously stacked. Canada is always able to roll out four lines full of All-Star caliber players, but Sweden isn’t far behind. Even the United States has finally added some depth with a new wave of young players, led by Chicago’s Patrick Kane.

-         When teammates from NHL teams are split onto different countries, it feels extra intense. Crosby vs. Malkin. Kane vs. Toews. Chara vs. Bergeron. Or when a sniper has the pleasure of trying to score on his NHL goalie. All of those match-ups add to the intrigue.

-         Some of the non-NHL guys are actually pretty damn good, and they are more familiar with the international style rink and rules. This keeps most games close, unlike when the USA basketball team gets to stomp all over Ecuador or something.

With all that said, in reverse order is our rankings of each team in the tournament.   

NORWAY

Goalies = F
Defensemen = F
Forwards = F
            Somehow, Norway has two goalies with “Lars” as their first name. That’s never a good sign.

SLOVENIA

Goalies = D
Defensemen = D
Forwards = D+
            They have Anze Kopitar, and literally nothing else. Furthermore, I have no idea where Slovenia is.

LATVIA

Goalies = D
Defensemen = D+
Forwards = D
            For anyone that ever played the international tournament in the EA Sports hockey games over the past decade, Latvia immediately jumps to the top of teams to root for. The crowd chanted “LATVIA! LATVIA! LATVIA! LAVTIA!” so passionately that it almost made you want to move there (emphasis on “almost”). When I asked friends of the blog Ethan Hedrick and Mike Stevens (the two individuals that I have completed world tournaments with), all they had to say was “LATVIA! LATVIA! LATVIA! LATVIA!” No Credentials is on the Latvia bandwagon.

AUSTRIA

Goalies = D
Defensemen = D
Forwards = C
            I feel like based on their geographic location on planet Earth, Austria should be better at hockey.

SWITZERLAND

Goalies = B+
Defensemen =C
Forwards = C+
            Of teams that have the majority of their roster made up of non-NHL players, Switzerland is regarded as the club with the best chance to make noise.

SLOVAKIA

Goalies = B
Defensemen = B+
Forwards = B-
            It will take a hot streak from Jaroslav Halak and dominant play on the blue-line from Zdeno Chara for Slovakia to snag a top-2 spot in group play over either Russia or the United States.

CZECH REPUBLIC

Goalies = B
Defensemen = B
Forwards = B
            The Czech’s famously robbed Canada of a gold medal in 1998 thanks to the heroics of Dominek Hasek, but the talent of their team has fallen off dramatically over the past decade.

FINLAND

Goalies = A
Defensemen = B-
Forwards = C+
            Tuuka Rask provides the Fins their best goaltending since Mikka Kiprusoff in 2006. They’ll have to keep all of their games low scoring, but if they do, Rask can help them steal a medal.

RUSSIA

Goalies = A-
Defensemen = C+
Forwards = A-
            Russia has the home-ice advantage (which historically is a big deal in this event), but a weak defensive corps could be their undoing.
 

UNITED STATES

Goalies = A
Defensemen = B+
Forwards = A-
            Bringing back the majority of the silver medal-winning group from 2010, Team USA is positioned as one of the favorites for the first time in years. Led by Patrick Kane and Phil Kessel offensively, they’ll need Ryan Miller to repeat his last Olympic performance for them to have a chance.

SWEDEN

Goalies = A
Defensemen = A
Forwards = A-
            Even down one Sedin twin (Henrik is injured and will be unable to play), Sweden still has to be regarded as the co-favorite along with Canada.

 



CANADA

Goalies = A
Defensemen = A
Forwards = A+
            Canada is always the most talented team top to bottom in this tournament (to put it in perspective, Patrice Bergeron is probably going to be their fourth line center), but they have a history of choking in the Olympics (they only won last year for the first time in years because it was on home-soil in Vancouver). They’ll need either Carey Price or Roberto Luongo (the latter of the two famously flopped during the 2010 Olympics) to grab the starting gig by the horns before elimination play and provide stability to their star studded lineup. If that happens, Sidney Crosby and company will take care of the rest.

PREDICTIONS

Bronze = Russia

Silver = Canada
Gold = Sweden

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (2/22-2/24)

10. No Fans Died After Horrific Last Lap Nationwide Crash
            For all my years of watching auto racing, I don’t recall a time when a tire got into the seats and didn’t kill at least one person. We’ll discuss this event, and the public perception of the top story on our list, later this week.

9. Caution Flag Gives Johnny Sauter Truck Series Win at Daytona

            I had planned to rip NASCAR for not letting the trucks race to the checkered flag, but arguing against safety seemed pretty ignorant after the events of Saturday.

8. Golden State Debuts Short Sleeve Jerseys

            The Warriors looked pretty stupid in their new shirts, but at least they were able to pull out an overtime win over the top team in the NBA.

7. Ryan Braun Homers in First Spring Training At-Bat

            I’d spend more time mocking Braun for all his links to potential steroid use if he wasn’t one of the pillars of my keeper league team.

6. Manti Te’o Faces the Music at the NFL Combine

            Predictably, the NFL brass wasn’t very sympathetic for Te’o getting cat-fished. He didn’t help his cause by running a 4.82 40 today either.

5. Ronda Rousey Arm Bars Liz Carmouche
            In other words, the girl with the pretty face and the big arms beat the girl with the ugly face and the big arms.

4. #2 Miami Upset By Wake Forest

            Here’s this weeks installment of “Big Time College Basketball Upset That No Credentials Doesn’t Give a Shit About”, sponsored by ACME. Although on a side note, how the hell did the Miami Hurricanes get ranked second in the nation in men’s basketball?

3. Alex Ovechkin Drops a Hat Trick on New Jersey

            It’s hard to believe that the man once regarded as the second best hockey player on Earth hadn’t netted 3 goals in a game in over two years.

2. Kobe Bryant Shows Up Mark Cuban

            After dropping 38 points, 12 boards, and 7 assists, Kobe had the right to tweet “AMNESTY THAT”.

1. Jimmie Johnson Wins 2013 Daytona 500, Danica Patrick Finishes 8th

            Some folks called this race boring, but at least a car didn’t end up in the seats.

Bruins-Capitals Game 4 Running Diary

7:35: We’re coming to you live from No Credentials Headquarters! We’re going to miss most of the first period because my son is still awake, and if he sees the computer on he immediately starts screaming for YouTube videos.

7:36: The Bald Asshole (aka Pierre McGuire) is interviewing John Carlson. Unfortunately, Carlson didn’t punch The Bald Asshole in the face.

7:40: NBCSN must be really struggling if they are devoting ad time to qualifying for the U.S. Men’s Wrestling team.

7:40: Capitals win the opening face-off. They’ve been dominating face-offs all series long.

7:41: Sloppy turnover by Capitals in first minute of game on their own end. Fortunate to survive that one.

7:41: Not as fortunate…the Bruins. An Ovechkin collision creates a 2 on 1 for Brooks Laich and Marcus Johansson. 1-0 Capitals.

7:43: Good time to mention that Washington is without their second best offensive player tonight, Niklas Backstrom, due to a really poor decision by the NHL to suspend him for a game.

7:44: I already wish that I were watching a Flyers-Penguins game instead. The score would already be 3-2.

7:46: If Boston was getting production out of any of their big guns (Lucic, Seguin, Krejci, Bergeron), they’d be going for the sweep tonight. I type this after a sloppy off-side by Bergeron and Lucic.

7:48: Bomb by Chara leads to a rebound, but Bruins can’t convert. Having someone more mobile than Ilya Bryzgalov in goal helped Washington.

7:49: Real encouraging play by Tyler Seguin. Made a nifty pass to Krejci, but unfortunately he overstated the puck. Bruins are out-shooting Washington 8-1 to start the game.

8:13: All right my kid’s in bed, and apparently I missed Rich Peverley’s goal. In the time I spent away from the game, I did decide that Doc Emerick is my favorite sports announcer. Also, in my next life, I’ve decided I want to come back as a Canadian hockey coach.

8:15: Rich Peverley just slashed a Capital and snapped his stick in half. Washington will end the first period on a power play.

8:16: Washington can’t even get the puck passed the blue-line with an extra guy on the ice.

8:20: Bruins have a 14-3 shot advantage, but yet the score is tied 1-1.

8:21: During the intermission, I’m going to try to think of as many events as possible I’d like to have Doc Emerick lend his voice to.

Football

Basketball
Baseball
Auto Racing
Curling
Fencing
Porno
Bowling
Mystery Science Theater 3000
A Kid’s Television Show
Westminster Dog Show
Track and Field
Horse Racing (an obvious one, thanks to the NBC Sports Network for airing a Kentucky Derby commercial)

8:23: I’m interrupting the list to talk about the NBC intermission crew. Mike Milbury and the guy on the left (sorry, don’t know his name) have been on TV every day since the playoffs start, and it looks like they’ll be on everyday of the playoffs. I don’t mind the guy on the left, but I think I’m three days away from reaching my Mike Milbury tolerance level.

8:30: Just incase you wanted confirmation that Milbury is an idiot, check out his Wikipedia page. Signing Rick DiPietro to a 15-year contract should earn Milbury a lifetime ban from ever being a GM for a NHL team.

8:46: Took an extended break to rotate laundry and clean up the bathtub. Came back to hear The Bald Asshole compare Braden Holtby to Ken Dryden. Someone get Pierre some cold water.

8:50: Holtby is on pace to face 50 shots tonight in regulation. I’ll give The Bald Asshole a little more credit for his Dryden comparison.

8:53: Tim Thomas just stones Ovechkin on a wrist shot from the slot. Thomas hasn’t been tested much, but he’s been rock solid (you can’t blame the Capitals goal on him).

8:53: Benoit Pouiliot just roofed one over Holtby, which was followed by the Capitals roofing one over Tim Thomas. Still 1-1.

8:55: Boston now out-shooting Washington 26-8. If the Capitals win, Braden Holtby should be the first, second, and third star of the game.

8:56: Johnny Boychuck hooks Troy Brower (the most impressive no-name Capital in this series). Washington gets a power play at the half way point of the second period.

8:57: I’m not sure how Dennis Wideman didn’t score. Net was wide open, and Wideman just blew it. Boston is lucky to still be tied.

8:58: Ovechkin just shanks another sure goal opportunity. Good grief.

9:01: Brad Marchand received a gorgeous one-time pass from Rich Peverley, except Marchand didn’t one-time it. Instead, an easy save for Holtby. I’m not a hockey expert (or for that matter, an anything expert), but Boston’s scorers look like they are over-thinking it a little bit.

9:02: The Bald Asshole is interviewing The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman, Claude Julien. No Credentials loves that guy.

9:06: Wild action on both ends resulted in near scoring chances for both teams. Capitals have come to life in the second period offensively.

9:07: Just saw on ESPN.com that Curtis Granderson hit 3 dingers in the first four innings tonight. Yikes.

9:08: I want to see the video of Ovechkin falling over the bench five more times.

9:12: My wife just asked when the All-Star Game is. Needless to say, she doesn’t follow hockey much. She did take the time to announce that Zdeno Chara is her favorite hockey player. “He’s like a big monkey on the ice.”

9:14: Killer Bergeron penalty leads to a power play goal by Alexander Semin. Semin’s shot appeared to be traveling 160 mph. 2-1 Capitals.

9:16: Apparently the guy on the left’s name is Liam.

9:22: “What’s up with him? He looks like crap. He acts like crap. He’s probably drunk out of his mind.” – my wife on Alex Ovechkin

9:46: Took a break from typing for a bit, but we’ll comeback to report Tim Thomas’ incredible save to keep it a one goal game with 12 minutes to go.

9:47: I’ve stopped typing because I’m reading this great piece of satire by Chuck Klosterman. 

11:44: So ya…I was talking with my wife and forgot to type for two hours. If I’m the Bruins, I’m scared shitless right now. Braden Holtby looks like a cross between Dryden and Patrick Roy (The Bald Asshole was on to something). Game 5 is a must win for the Bruins.

Super Bowl XLV Prop Bets

            Super Bowl proposition bets probably pay the rent for the majority of Las Vegas casinos for at least six months. Ever since William “Refrigerator” Perry barreled into the end zone against the Patriots in 1986, Americans have been obsessed with betting on every aspect of the Super Bowl. If you’re an extreme gambling degenerate, you can wager on ridiculous things such as whether the coin toss will wind up heads or tails, or who will receive the kickoff (believe it or not, some people wager six figures on this crap).

            I spent some time looking through every prop bet listed on Sportsbook.com, looking for potential diamonds in the rough. The following bets are ones I feel have a reasonable chance of winning. I don’t necessarily encourage anyone to wager real money based on my reasoning, but if you promise not to get mad at me, feel free to take the advice.  

Will Either Team Score in the First 6 ½ Minutes of the Game?

            Super Bowl’s typically start slow due to the nerves of the players, and neither team has a breakout return man. As long as there are no turnovers that set up either side with a cheap field goal, I would sign off on betting that the game will be scoreless in the first 6 ½ minutes (you need to bet $110 in order to win $100).

Longest Touchdown of the Game Over/Under 44.5 Yards

            Between Ben Roethlisberger’s uncanny ability to bounce off of 3 defensive lineman and then chuck the ball 50 yards down field, and Green bay’s fleet of wide receivers, I like the over here. Don’t discount the possibility of a long defensive touchdown by either team, which is solid insurance for this bet (need to lay $115 to win $100).

Total Sacks For Both Teams Over/Under 5

            Pittsburgh has had trouble pass blocking all season, and they just lost their best lineman in the AFC Championship Game. Green Bay has gotten better in pass protection as the season has gone on, but is still going up against a ferocious Steelers’ front seven. This number feels really low to me. Take the over (bet $125 to make $100).

Largest Lead of the Game Over/Under 13.5 Points

            Call me an optimist, but I see this game staying within 10 the whole way. You get even odds for this bet, which makes it an economical one.

Total Number of Players to Have a Pass Attempt Over/Under 2.5

            You can win $180 (for only a $100 investment) if you think either A) the Steelers will run some sort of gadget play with Antwaan Randle El or B) one of the two starters will at least miss a few plays. Let’s gamble!

Roethlisberger Over/Under 11.5 Yards Rushing

            Green Bay plays a lot of man-to-man coverage. I can see at least one play where the Packers defensive backs are running with the Steelers receivers, and Big Ben breaks away from the rush and lumbers for 15 yards. Plop down $125 to win a $100 for this one.

Emmanuel Sanders Over/Under 38.5 Yards Receiving

            This is the one prop that I don’t have any rational reasoning for, but I just am going with my instincts. I like Emmanuel Sanders to crack the over, possibly with one reception. Bet $115 for $100.

(EDITORS NOTE: Short of the poker table, my instincts are usually not to be trusted.)

Heath Miller Over/Under 38.5 Yards Receiving

            It’s been documented by several media outlets that Green Bay historically struggles covering tight ends. Throw in the fact that Miller had 7 receptions for 109 yards when these two teams met in 2009, and this bet looks too good to be true. You need to wager $125 to bank $100.

Aaron Rodgers Over/Under 22.5 Pass Completions

            Green Bay isn’t going to establish a consistent running game. Unless Pittsburgh can hold the ball for 40 minutes of the game, I like Rodgers to get at least 25. (Bet $120 to win $100)

Brandon Jackson Over/Under 13.5 Yards Receiving

            As noted in the previous prop, Green Bay will not run the ball in this game. Jackson is the Packer’s best receiving runningback. I like him to at least get 4 catches for 25 yards out of the backfield. You need to drop $115 to win $100. (Editors note: For $125 you can win $100 as long as Jackson catches two passes. The only reason I didn’t list it instead of yards was the $10 discount you get for betting yards. If you’re super confident in Jackson, bet them both)

Donald Driver Longest Reception Over/Under 15.5 Yards

            As long as he doesn’t get injured, Driver will catch one quick slant and bust it for 20 yards. Bet $115 for a shot at $100.

Mason Crosby Over/Under 1.5 Field Goals Made

            Green Bay will have a hard time scoring in the red zone. Expect a couple of 30-yard field goals from Crosby. Even odds on this one, so bet $100 to win $100.

Who Will Have More, Alex Ovechkin Shots on Goal or Steelers/Packers Combined Sacks? (Steelers/Packers favored by 0.5)

            This is our first cross-sport bet, where half of it involves a game from another sport being played on Super Bowl Sunday. Ovechkin and the Capitals play the Pittsburgh Penguins on Sunday afternoon. If you recall, I like the over on the combined sacks between the two teams, which means I’m banking on at least six sacks. In two games against Pittsburgh this season, Ovechkin is averaging 5.5 shots per game (see how diabolical Las Vegas is? Even a crazy multi-sport bet is set up to be a 50-50 chance). I’ll lay $130 on the two football team to make $100.

Who Will Have More, Dwight Howard Points + Rebounds or Aaron Rodgers Pass Attempts? (Rodgers is favored by 1.5)

            Orlando plays the Boston Celtics on Sunday. In the two previous match-ups, Howard posted a 6-11 and 33-13 (points-rebounds), averaging 19.5-12. Keep in mind that Boston was missing Garnett and Kendrick Perkins in both of those games. Assuming Howard is somewhere between his two game average against Boston and his season average in points and boards (22-14), and you’re looking at a number somewhere between 32 and 36. As mentioned earlier in this column, I expect Rodgers to throw the ball a ton. I’ll take my chances that Rodgers at least chucks the ball 40 times and covers the 1.5 spread. Bet $115 to make $100 and thank me later.

What Will Be Greater, Jason Richardson’s Total Points or Margin of Victory in Super Bowl XLV? (Richardson favored by 4.5)

            Richardson is only averaging 9.5 points a game in two games against the Celtics so far this season, but is averaging 17 for the season. If he hits somewhere in between those numbers, you’re looking at 13 or 14. Based on my previous assumption that the Super Bowl will be close, I’ll take Richardson to beat the margin by 5. Lay $125 for $100 on this one.

Who Will Have More, Steven Stamkos Total Points or Aaron Rodgers Touchdown Passes? (Rodgers is a 0.5 favorite)

            Stamkos is the stud center for the Tampa Bay Lightning who is currently leading the NHL in scoring (thanks to Sidney Crosby and his foggy noggin). Stamkos hasn’t played the St. Louis Blues yet this season, so we have no previous match-up data to look at. Stamkos has 67 points in 51 games so far this season, for an average of 1.31 points per game. Furthermore, Stamkos has recorded 2 points or more in 20 games so far this season (or 39.21% of the games this season). Just playing the percentages, I’ll gamble on Rodgers tossing at least two touchdowns, and make $140 of a $100 bet while I’m at it (Editors note: Sorry for all the numbers in this paragraph. Once I hit the Dwight Howard prop I entered super geek mode. I just spontaneously ordered five pocket protectors on E-Bay while typing this. I can’t help myself).

Will Christina Aguilera Hold The Final Note of the Star Spangled Banner Longer Than Six Seconds?

            Now for the fun bets. For $120, you can win $100 on how long Aguilera will belt out “BRAAAAAVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEE!” I’ll take the over.

Will Jerry Jones Be Shown on Television Over/Under Three Times?

            The game is being held at “Jerry-World” in Dallas. Jones will find some way to get his botox-mug on live television multiple times. Bet $100, win $125, and don’t spend it all in one place.

TV Rating For Super Bowl Over/Under 46 Nielsen Rating

            For $120, you can wager whether or not tons of people will watch a game featuring two of the most popular NFL teams in the world. And win $100.

            So there you have it. I’ll review the results of these bets next week, in a column I’m already planning on calling, “You Know You Have a Gambling Problem If You Spent 3+ Hours Reviewing Super Bowl Prop Bets”.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (12/10-12/12)

10. Big Ten Names New Divisions For 2011

I cheated for this one, because this actually happened today, but the names the Big Ten came up with for their divisions are so ridiculous I had to write about them. Seriously, “Leaders” and “Legends” are the best names they could come up with? Hopefully a Babe Ruth league based out of Arkansas won’t sue them for copyright infringement.

            I did some hack research on the Internet, and was able to uncover the list of names that didn’t quite make the cut. Here they are.

1. Apples and Oranges
2. Captain and Tennille
3. Sonny and Cher
4. SpongeBob and Patrick
5. The One and The Only
6. Red Bull and Jagermeister
7. Seinfeld and Costanza
8. McDouble and Cool Ranch Doritos
9. Backstreet Boys and N’Sync
10. Deep Dish and Thin Crust

9. Ovechkin Goes Bonkers

            I’ll keep this short because roughly 1% of my audience cares about hockey. The Washington Capitals were getting pummeled by the New York Rangers on Sunday. Alex Ovechkin got angry and tried to fight everyone on the Rangers. It was a good time.

8. St. Pierre Dominates Again at UFC 124

            It took GSP about 30 seconds to make Josh Koscheck’s right eye look like it had gotten hit by a watermelon that was traveling 50 mph directly at his face.   

7. Florida Steals Mack Brown’s Chosen Successor From Texas

            What would you do if the best job in your chosen field was promised to you in five years, but you had a chance to take the second best gig right now? You’re instincts would probably be to wait, but after Conan O’Brien’s harrowing case with NBC, I think it makes sense to take the job that’s open right now. Kudos to Will Muschamp.

6. “The Cliff Lee Saga” Continues

            ESPN.com officially dubbed the Cliff Lee free agency chase a “saga” today on their homepage. Hey, if it worked for the folks at “Twilight”, then why not give it a shot to drum up interest.

5. New England Patriots Destroy Chicago

            What happened when an unstoppable force (Patriots offense) met an immovable object (Bears defense)? We found out that the Bears were very, very movable.

4. Cowboys Runningback Tashard Choice Asks For Michael Vick’s Autograph

            While watching this happen live, I found it odd that a player on a team that just lost would ask the opposing team’s quarterback for an autograph. This is an event that definitely wouldn’t of happened back in the day. 

3. Clippers Owner Donald Sterling Heckles His Starting Point Guard

            This story is all the more hilarious when you remember that Sterling is paying Baron Davis $13 million to play point guard this season.

2. Jets Assistant Coach Trips Dolphins Player During a Play

            As brash as the Jets are, it’s no surprise that their strength and conditioning coach was way too obvious while tripping the Dolphins gunner on a punt. Did he think he could pull this off without one of the 212 cameras used for telecasts catching it?

1. Metrodome Roof Collapses

            It’s a shame that Brad Childress still wasn’t the head coach of the Vikings. He could’ve blamed the roof collapse on Brett Favre.