Summer Mailbag

These may or may not be actual questions from real or fake readers.

I’m having the hardest time coming up with songs for my new album. What should I write about? – Taylor S., Nashville, TN

            I’ll give you a dollar to write about anything other than being a huge nerd in high school. Seriously Taylor, I get it. As a matter of fact, I was in the same club (minus the raw talent to become a huge country/pop star). I don’t need to hear you sing “she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts”, or that song about being 15. I’ll grant you that you’re a genius for catering all of your songs to teenage girls (somewhere, the guys from “Backstreet Boys” are saying, “DAMN YOU SWIFT! “), but I’m just asking for a little variety.

(SHORT RANT ALERT: When I first heard “Fifteen”, my first thought was to stab my eardrums with an ice pick. After giving it more thought, you have to tip your cap to Swift on this one and say it’s bloody brilliant. What teenage girl isn’t going to identify with that song? No wonder she’s sold 9 billion albums the past five years)   

Has any baseball player ever had a better sense for “the moment” than Derek Jeter? Zack T., Riverhead, NY

            There have been others that in brief time periods have been money when it mattered most (David Ortiz in 2004 is a great example), but Jeter has made a career of coming up huge when it matters most. Check out this list that MLB Network ran in April showing Jeter’s top 9 moments (none of which includes his 5-5 performance on the day he reached 3,000 hits).

How am I supposed to do a fantasy football mock draft when free agency hasn’t even started yet? – Theresa, Spokane, WA

            I’ve never been a strong supporter of doing mock football drafts in July (I prefer to wait for a couple of key players to tear their ACL in meaningless preseason games before I start planning my drafts), but if you have the itch, you should be safe to mock away. Of all the free agents, runningback DeAngelo Williams looks like the only player that could potentially be a late-1^st, early-2^nd round pick depending on where he lands (dream landing spot for him = New England. Will never happen though). Depending on what the free agency rules are, Santonio Holmes and Sidney Rice could also be viable 2^nd or 3^rd wideouts picked between the 5^th or 6^th round. Other than those three guys, free agency will not have a huge impact on the fantasy season. 

Can you please stop writing 18,000 word columns about old NASCAR drivers? – Roughly 600 of you, assorted locations around the globe

            Sorry for waxing poetic about the glory days of NASCAR. My best comparison for how I feel about NASCAR would be to relate it to my thoughts about Aerosmith. I love old heroin infused Aerosmith from the ‘70s. “Toys in the Attics” and “Rocks” are two of the greatest albums of that era. However, I can’t stand anything about the band from “Permanent Vacation” on (although I will admit that I was known to blast “Angel” a time or two when I had a longer commute home, but no one needs to know about that). Listen to “Nobody’s Fault” (off of Rocks), and then listen to “Love in an Elevator”. Sounds like two completely different bands.

            NASCAR has the same feel to me. You could say that the ‘90s were the “Toys in the Attic” years. 2004 (with the onset of the sport being sponsored by a cell phone company, and the beginning of The Chase) was quite clearly “Permanent Vacation”. I had a blast going through all of the old clips. Writing about Davey Allison was especially enjoyable for me. I hope a couple of you enjoyed it also.

Denis Leary makes references to the “cockles” of ones heart in his song "Asshole”. #1, what's a cockle? #2, do we need it? Or is it baggage like tonsils, the gall bladder, and foreskins? – Ryan B., Kearsarge, NH

            My favorite question of the mailbag so far, because if nothing else, it allows me to post this video.

            I actually did a little research on this (by research, I mean that I typed “what are cockles” into Google and then read the first three related pages that were listed), and discovered some interesting information. Apparently, there is a group of saltwater clams that are called cockles. Their physical structure resembles the stucture of the human heart, which led to 19^th century doctors referring to the chambers of the heart as cockles. Nowadays, some super-spiritual people will refer to a cockle as the “emotional” part of your heart (in otherwords, the part that makes your heart beat faster when you’re excited or nervous), which has led to the phrase “warms the cockles of the heart”. I think it’s safe to say that anyone that read this entire paragraph learned something today.

If you’re Brett Favre, shouldn’t you comeback to play one more year? Think about it, the guy rolled into training camp around August 15^th the last three years. This year everyone will be getting to camp at that time. It would be a level playing field for him. – Floyd, Fayetteville, AK

            I’m sure it makes him think about it a little bit, but the physical beating he absorbed last year should be enough to finally keep him away from the NFL.

Saw your column about “Battle: LA” the other night. What are the five worst movies you have ever seen? – Katie, Rutland, VT

            I’m not a huge movie buff, so I haven’t gone out of my way to see some of the most infamous movie flops of all time (for example, you won’t see “Gigli” or “Green Lantern” on this list), but in no particular order here are the five that would make my personal cut.

(EDITORS NOTE: You’ll notice that these are all action movies. There’s one main reason for this…I didn’t date much in high school, therefore I missed out on plenty of early ‘00s chick flicks)

1. “Alexander” – This Oliver Stone/Colin Farrell crap-fest is by far the worst movie I’ve ever seen in theater. Every time it seemed like it was going to end, the movie would drag on for another 35 minutes. This movie grossed $34 million in the United States, while it cost $155 million to produce.
2. “Batman and Robin” – Part of the reason Christopher Nolan’s reboot of the Batman franchise has been so well received is because the bar was set so low in George Clooney’s one appearance as the Dark Knight. This movie was another prime example that no matter how many stars you have you need a solid script. 
3. “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” – Three words…Jar Jar F***ing Binks.
4.  “Driven” – Want to know why Sly was froze out of Hollywood for years? Check out this two-hour massacre that makes “Days of Thunder” look like 1990’s answer to “Casablanca”.
5. “Showgirls” – On paper, this movie should’ve worked, but unfortunately the stain of this flop forced the United States government to deport Elizabeth Berkley to Siberia (well not really, but she has never been hired as the lead actress for anything other than a Lifetime movie since).

What is the ceiling and floor for Terrell Pryor? – Mark, Akron, OH

            I’ll give some obscure references, and won’t explain them, thus forcing you to look up his potential ceiling and floor on Wikipedia.

Ceiling = Quincy Carter

Floor = Spurgen Wynn

Is there a point to an All-Star Game if no All-Stars show up? – Lauren, Tacoma, WA

            Sadly for MLB, the All-Star Game determines home-field advantage for the World Series. In every other sport, it’s an inconsequential exhibition (which is exactly why guys like Derek Jeter list “exhaustion” as a reason not to attend). In all seriousness though, players should skip the All-Star Game if there is any sort of ailment that could be aggravated. It’s not anyone’s fault that the people running MLB are dolts and decide home-field advantage in their championship series by the result of an exhibition. 

NHL free agency has been insane. Which moves have gotten your attention so far? – Jean-Luc, Sherbrooke, NB

            Philadelphia shipping out their top-2 centers, and then signing All-Star goalie Ilya Bryzgalov stands out as the boldest move so far. Brad Richards signing with the Rangers wins the award for most predictable move of the off-season. San Jose swapping Dany Heatley for Martin Havlat ranks as the oddest trade (although it makes more sense when you look at the financial side of it). However, the hands down winner for best signing goes to the Washington Capitals. Washington was able to ink former Panthers goalie Tomas Vokoun to a one-year deal at a discount rate of $1.5 million. Vokoun is used to seeing at least 30 shots every game, so he should mesh well supporting Washington’s high-flying offense. This will be the best team the Czech goalie has ever played for. If he’s up to the task, pencil in the Capitals as Eastern Conference Champions next season. 

How much would you pay to watch Pacquiao-Mayweather? – Ethan H., Centerville, PA

            I don’t think I’d pay anything, but if it were convenient to do so, I would go to a bar and watch it.

I’m so bummed out by the NFL and NBA Lockouts. Please give me reasons to be happy about these events. – Bill, Fort Worth, TX

            We should have labor peace in the NFL within 10 days, so things are looking good on that front. NFL owners and players were arguing over how to split billions of dollars, so it was only a matter of time before the two sides got together.

            The NBA outlook appears to be bleaker, but even in a doomsday scenario (which would be the entire 2011-12 season being cancelled) there is still a bright side. Whenever a deal is done, there will be rules in place that will give a small market team a better chance to hang on to a player like Lebron James. You should expect a hard salary cap (which has created all of the parity we see in football and hockey). A cancelled season would be terrible, but at least the league would be healthier coming out of it.

NFL Lockout Ends

     Against all odds, the NFL lockout has come to an end. Roger Goodell and NFLPA leader Demaurice Smith stood side by side today to make the announcement. Here are the twenty key points that got the deal done.

1. League agrees to meet in the middle on splitting of overall revenue. Furthermore, league will adopt union’s proposal of a $161 million salary cap for next season.

2. A new rookie wage scale. Money saved will be allocated to veterans and player health benefits.

3. Up to $1 million guaranteed the year following a player suffers a serious injury.

4. Reduction of all off-season activities, as well as limits on number of full-contact practices.

5. Brett Favre will be banned from ever playing in the NFL again (“This is a win-win for all parties involved,” says Goodell).

6. 2011 and 2012 seasons will be 16 games long. Both players and owners must agree upon any future move to 18 games.

7.  Owners will fund $82 million benefit fund for former players.

8. Current players will have opportunity to stay on league healthcare plan for life.

9. $5 million reward for defensive player that is able to convince Tiki Barber he should’ve thought twice about returning to the NFL.

10. Jaguars will be forced to relocate by the start of the 2014 season (“Have you ever tried to find some ass in downtown Jacksonville on a Saturday night?” asks an anonymous player, “It’s a scary situation.”).

11. Any appeals of drug or steroid related suspensions will be handled by third-party arbitration.

12. Improvements in the Mackey Plan (designed to assist players suffering from dementia and other brain-related issues), disability plan, and a college degree bonus program.

13. Teams will each be forced to roster five ex-convicts on their team (“We need more Lawrence Taylors,” says Smith).

14. Larry Fitzgerald and Steve Smith will be placed on teams that actually have NFL-caliber quarterbacks.

15. Current players will be banned from participating in “Dancing With the Stars” in order to keep jobs open for retired hall of famers.

16. All 32 clubs must use at least 90% of salary cap over course of three seasons.

17. NFL will enact the “Travis Henry Bonus”, which gives a player an extra $100,000 for each woman he impregnates.

18. Fantasy Football will be replaced by a game where you wager on which of two monkeys will fling poop at the other first.

19. “Welcome to the Jungle” and “Crazy Train” will be retired from ever being played during a game again (what does it say for the state of music when the two go-to songs to play during games are from the 1980s? I love me some Guns ‘n Roses and Ozzy, but it’s time we find something else).

20. Tom Brady will be forced to cut his hair or retire.

Toy Story 3, Brett Favre, and Accepting Change

            Last night I had the pleasure of watching “Toy Story 3” (well, actually, I only watched about half about it before falling asleep, but nevertheless I viewed enough of it to spawn the idea for this column). It was a pretty solid flick (well, what I saw of it. I do intend to watch the second half of it at some point) that touched on the very uncomfortable subject of change.

            For those of you haven’t seen the film, Andy (the owner of Woody, Buzz Lightyear, and the other toys) is about to go to college. The toys, which have been neglected during Andy’s teenage years, are faced with ending up in the attic, being donated, or even ending up at the dump. Most of the toys hope to end up at a daycare where they can actually be played with. Woody, who was Andy’s favorite toy, is the only one who wants to stick it out in the attic, ready for when Andy will need him.

            I couldn’t help but be reminded of Brett Favre while watching this movie (and surprisingly enough, the reminder had nothing to with the main character being named “Woody” and Favre’s texting issues). Favre has been struggling with the decision to retire or not for most of the past decade. While the ongoing drama has frustrated the majority of the country, you do have to have a little empathy for a guy who’s scared about his future (I’ll only grant him a little empathy, because he’s made a buck or two during his playing career).

            Just think about where his fellow quarterbacks from 1995 (the first year he won the NFL MVP award) are now. Let’s look at some of the top ones in list form.

1. John Elway (Denver Broncos) – Retired after winning his second Super Bowl. Inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Worked as an executive for Denver’s Arena Football Team, and within the last week has been hired as the new President of the Broncos.
2. Steve Young (San Francisco 49ers) – Retired after getting knocked unconscious by Aeneas Williams of the Arizona Cardinals (which was the 8^th concussion of his career) in the 3^rd week of the 1999 season. Inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Now works for ESPN as an analyst. He has also earned his law degree from BYU and has been involved in several business ventures.
3. Troy Aikman (Dallas Cowboys) – Retired after a hit by LaVar Arrington gave him his 10^th concussion of his NFL career. Inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Has worked as a color analyst with FOX since 2001. Also was the co-owner of a NASCAR team, and is now a minority owner of the San Diego Padres.
4. Dan Marino (Miami Dolphins) – Retired after the 1999 season ended with a 62-7 loss at Jacksonville in the Divisional Round of the playoffs. Inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Now works as an analyst for CBS’ pre-game show. 

            Favre doesn’t appear to have any serious interest in big business, nor does he show much ambition to enter broadcasting (I wish Aikman didn’t have any ambition for broadcasting. I love the guy to death, but he’s a terrible announcer). I’d highly doubt that he would join a team in a management or coaching role (although if we was an offensive coordinator, I’d have a feeling his team would set the record for most 60-yard bombs attempted in a single season). I can say with 100% certainty that there is no way he ends up becoming a lawyer. With all that said, what will Favre do?

            I imagine he might consider another comeback before the 2011 season. Like Woody, Favre knows nothing else than what he’s done his whole life. Like Woody, he’s been unable to accept change. Has Favre finally reached the point where he realizes his playing career is over? I have a hard time buying it. This is a guy who suffered a concussion in a 2004 game against the Giants, threw a game winning 28-yard touchdown on 4^th down, and then afterwards couldn’t even remember making the throw. This is also a guy who played with a broken thumb on his throwing hand in 1998. Sometime around June or July, he’ll get the itch again. The question is, will any team take him.

            One last thought before I end this little rant…I won’t regard some of those quarterbacks I listed above as toys, or any of the other great players of that era (Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice come to mind the quickest) as toys, but it’s amazing to me that all of these guys are really gone from the field. 1995 marked the first year that I followed the NFL religiously to the point that I knew every team’s starting left tackle. As annoying as he was at times, Favre was the last of that group. In a weird way, Favre was the last toy to finally get stuffed up into the attic. Change happens all the time in sports, but Favre has been a constant for almost two decades. I don’t know how many people share the same sentiment, but I feel a little older now that Brett Favre could really be finished as a NFL quarterback (you can multiply that feeling by 10 when Manning and Brady retire). I guess the greatest moral of the movie (and Favre’s career) is make the most of every moment you have, always try to remember the good, and even though you might not be prepared for it, do the best you can with change. Because living in the past will get you nowhere in the future.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (12/31-1/2)

10. NBC Continues Heavy Ad Campaign For “The Cape”

            I know NBC has fallen on very hard times, but are they that desperate that they would invent a superhero? Based on what I’ve seen, it looks like the show was created by two 12-year-olds who were a little too into “The Dark Knight”. I’m not sure if there is a betting line on how long the series will last, but I will go ahead and set it at 3.5 episodes. And I will take the under.

9. Lady Huskies Finally Lose a Basketball Game

            Connecticut’s 90-game win streak certainly brought plenty of attention to women’s college basketball, but it’s ultimately better to have a team or two that can compete with them. Kudos to Stanford (ironically, the last team to beat Connecticut before the Huskies won 90 straight) for ending the run.

8. Seahawks Earn Right to Get Slaughtered By Saints in Wildcard Round

            I had the bulk of this headline typed about an hour before the Rams-Seahawks game kicked off. Did it really matter who won this game? After watching parts of this game, no wonder the Saints stopped trying in the 2^nd half against Tampa Bay. They are essentially getting a bye with their wildcard date with Seattle.

            In all seriousness, it was pretty embarrassing that these two teams were fighting for a playoff spot. There are probably ten teams that didn’t make the playoffs that wish they were in the NFC West. It felt like watching preschoolers playing a game of checkers. Or two old men in a fist fight (alright, the game wasn’t as funny as that would be). Or two gerbils having a staring contest. Or Snooki trying to learn calculus. Or…never mind, I could do this all day.

7. Rondo Returns

            For those of you that don’t watch the NBA, this is not the title of a movie. Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo returned to the Celtics starting lineup Sunday against the Raptors after being out for over two weeks with an ankle injury. He had a quiet game (4 points on 2-3 shooting, with 8 assists), but the return of the Celtics quarterback will go along way in keeping the Celtics ahead of the Heat in the Eastern Conference.

6. Big Ten Schools Go 0 for 5 in New Year’s Day Bowl Games

            I’ll save most of my thoughts on this for the #1 item on this list, but I will say that it’s awesome when one of the BCS conferences gets their doors blown off in bowl games. Boise St. could’ve beaten any of the teams that lost Saturday.

5. Brett Favre Says He’s Done

            I hope he really means it this time.

4. Packers Defeat Bears, Eliminate Giants From Postseason

            Green Bay had more trouble than I expected with a Bears team that had nothing to play for, but were able to get the job done. Green Bay has the greater potential to advance in the playoffs (in my opinion, which means very little, but anyways…) than the Giants would’ve. The Giants owner has already come out and said Tom Coughlin will return next season, which almost makes me forget that the Cowboys are probably going to bring back Jason Garrett.

(QUICK RANT ALERT: I know that Garrett coached the Cowboys to a 5-3 record since he took over, and did not lose a game by more than 3 points. All of this while having Jon Kitna and Stephen McGee at quarterback. But has Garrett really done enough to rule out attempting to bring someone like Jeff Fisher or Bill Cowher in for an interview? Has Jerry Jones forgotten that Garrett was the offensive coordinator when the team was 1-7? I have a bad feeling about going into next year with Garrett at the helm.)

3. Syfy Airs Annual New Year’s Day “Twilight Zone” Marathon

            Short of airing the epic movie “Sharktopus”, this is my favorite thing that Syfy does. I almost gave up on this network when they changed their name from “Sci-Fi” to “Syfy”, but the annual event sucked me back in.

            If anyone with knowledge of the television industry reads this, I would love a detailed answer to this question…why couldn’t a new version of “Twilight Zone” work? Forget the low budget 1980s version. I’m challenging the folks at AMC to conceive a “Twilight Zone” reboot. You wouldn’t have to worry about your audience missing an episode and loosing track of what’s going on, as each story would stand on its own. Actors wouldn’t have to commit to filming a full series, so assuming the scripts are good, you should have quality actors jumping out of planes to star in an episode. Someone message me about why this wouldn’t work. We need to stop producing crappy television (see: “The Cape”) and bring back something worthwhile.  

2. Capitals Win Winter Classic in Pittsburgh

            Heavy rain during the 3^rd period could not dampen the spectacle that was the 4^th annual Winter Classic (the same can’t be said for the quality of play, but that’s not what this event is about). I don’t know what it is about outdoor hockey that is so damn fascinating, but I can’t look away. As long as the NHL sticks to just one outdoor winter game being played in the United States a year (there will be a second outdoor game played in Calgary next month), this will remain the coolest sporting event on New Year’s Day. The next thing the suits in charge of the NHL need to figure out is how to do an outdoor game on the beach in Los Angeles. It’s 2011 now. We should be able to figure this out.

1. TCU Defeats Wisconsin in Rose Bowl

            No matter what happens the rest of college bowl season (which now seems to stretch out until mid-March), there will be no result that I will enjoy more than TCU 21, Wisconsin 19. Not because I’m a big TCU fan, but the principle of a non-BCS school winning the 2^nd biggest bowl game of the season. It’s a shame that there is no playoff, because it would be fun to see TCU get a crack at Oregon or Auburn (I think they’d get there doors blown off by either team, but at least they would get their chance). Hopefully this win will lend more credibility to the Boise St. type schools that get passed over for a BCS game so a team like Connecticut (the pathetic champion of the Big East) can make it in. 

Rex Ryan - "So I like feet, what's the big deal?"

Florham Park, NJ (AP) – Rex Ryan has admitted to a small group of reporters that it was in fact him and his wife Michelle in the foot-fetish videos that were unearthed by Deadspin.com. He took time to speak with the few reporters left on the Jets campus on Christmas Eve morning.

            “It’s pretty damn obvious that it is us in those videos,” Ryan said, “Since there was nothing illegal that was done, I feel comfortable enough at this time to talk about it.”

            When asked why his wife posted the videos online while Ryan was the defensive coordinator for the Baltimore Ravens, Ryan said it was so they could network with other people who are fond of feet.

            “Most people don’t have that much affection for feet. I mean, they smell, they get puffy at the end of the day, on paper feet don’t have a lot going for them.”

            According to Ryan, the origins of Ryan’s foot-fetish started when he was a young boy in Toronto. “You may not know it by looking at me now, but I was pretty flexible in my youth. When I was having a bad day, I’d suck on my toes. It was pretty innocent at the time, but it definitely planted the seeds for further exploration.” Ryan laughed while recalling when his fetish was taken to the next level while a junior in high school.

            “I don’t want to go into too much detail, but let’s just say the situation involved a jungle gym, handle bars, chocolate syrup, and the prettiest, size 5 ½ pair of feet I’d ever seen. Man, from that point forward I was hooked.”

            Rex sights his shared foot-fetish with his wife of 23 years as one of the key components of their marriage. “You know, when you share a weird passion like that, it makes it a lot easier to have open lines of communication. Whenever we even think about getting into a fight, we just slip off our shoes, toss the socks in the hamper, and have a good time.”

            Ryan does not believe that his players have lost respect for him. In fact, there has apparently been plenty of good-natured ribbing from them. The highlight was when a collage of every player’s left foot was posted on Ryan’s office door. Ryan denies that he’s ever checked out one of his player’s feet, although he did joke that “from what I’ve heard from guys that were here in ’08, Brett Favre should’ve been texting a picture of his right pinky toe instead of his penis to Sterger.”

           

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (12/10-12/12)

10. Big Ten Names New Divisions For 2011

I cheated for this one, because this actually happened today, but the names the Big Ten came up with for their divisions are so ridiculous I had to write about them. Seriously, “Leaders” and “Legends” are the best names they could come up with? Hopefully a Babe Ruth league based out of Arkansas won’t sue them for copyright infringement.

            I did some hack research on the Internet, and was able to uncover the list of names that didn’t quite make the cut. Here they are.

1. Apples and Oranges
2. Captain and Tennille
3. Sonny and Cher
4. SpongeBob and Patrick
5. The One and The Only
6. Red Bull and Jagermeister
7. Seinfeld and Costanza
8. McDouble and Cool Ranch Doritos
9. Backstreet Boys and N’Sync
10. Deep Dish and Thin Crust

9. Ovechkin Goes Bonkers

            I’ll keep this short because roughly 1% of my audience cares about hockey. The Washington Capitals were getting pummeled by the New York Rangers on Sunday. Alex Ovechkin got angry and tried to fight everyone on the Rangers. It was a good time.

8. St. Pierre Dominates Again at UFC 124

            It took GSP about 30 seconds to make Josh Koscheck’s right eye look like it had gotten hit by a watermelon that was traveling 50 mph directly at his face.   

7. Florida Steals Mack Brown’s Chosen Successor From Texas

            What would you do if the best job in your chosen field was promised to you in five years, but you had a chance to take the second best gig right now? You’re instincts would probably be to wait, but after Conan O’Brien’s harrowing case with NBC, I think it makes sense to take the job that’s open right now. Kudos to Will Muschamp.

6. “The Cliff Lee Saga” Continues

            ESPN.com officially dubbed the Cliff Lee free agency chase a “saga” today on their homepage. Hey, if it worked for the folks at “Twilight”, then why not give it a shot to drum up interest.

5. New England Patriots Destroy Chicago

            What happened when an unstoppable force (Patriots offense) met an immovable object (Bears defense)? We found out that the Bears were very, very movable.

4. Cowboys Runningback Tashard Choice Asks For Michael Vick’s Autograph

            While watching this happen live, I found it odd that a player on a team that just lost would ask the opposing team’s quarterback for an autograph. This is an event that definitely wouldn’t of happened back in the day. 

3. Clippers Owner Donald Sterling Heckles His Starting Point Guard

            This story is all the more hilarious when you remember that Sterling is paying Baron Davis $13 million to play point guard this season.

2. Jets Assistant Coach Trips Dolphins Player During a Play

            As brash as the Jets are, it’s no surprise that their strength and conditioning coach was way too obvious while tripping the Dolphins gunner on a punt. Did he think he could pull this off without one of the 212 cameras used for telecasts catching it?

1. Metrodome Roof Collapses

            It’s a shame that Brad Childress still wasn’t the head coach of the Vikings. He could’ve blamed the roof collapse on Brett Favre.

Wake Up Wrangler

            For the better part of the ‘00s, Wrangler Jeans has been using Brett Favre and Dale Earnhardt Jr. as their spokesman. In the beginning, it wasn’t such a bad idea. Favre was the beloved quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. Earnhardt Jr. was NASCAR’s most popular drive behind the wheel of the #8 Budweiser Chevrolet. Whether or not you supported either of these two guys, you couldn’t of argued with a company using them to sell their product.

            Fast forward to 2010. Brett Favre is now playing for his 3^rd team. After his best statistical season in 2009, Favre threw a devastating late interception against the Saints to cost Minnesota a chance to play in the Super Bowl. He broke his ankle in a game at Lambeau, was given a 12 stitches and a bloody nose against the Patriots, and just last week suffered a severely sprained right shoulder. And oh ya, there’s allegations that he sent pictures of his privates to a former New York Jets employee. Keep in mind that Favre’s wife is a cancer survivor, which adds more points to the Favre “creeper meter”.

            Dale Earnhardt doesn’t have allegations of lewd text messages, but he probably wishes he did, because that would divert attention from his sub-par driving. Junior has only won once since joining Hendrick Motorsports (the same organization that fields cars for Jimmie Johnson) in 2008. Earnhardt’s funk has not only hurt his status, but the entire sport of NASCAR as well. I won’t sit here and compare his effect on NASCAR to Tiger Wood’s impact on the PGA, but he’s not far off. TV ratings for all NASCAR events have dropped significantly over the past three years, and attendance is as low as it’s been since the late-80s. NASCAR’s popularity issues can’t be all blamed on Junior, but it wouldn’t hurt if their most popular driver could be much more competitive.

            The moral of this short story is simple. How can Wrangler keep trotting these guys out in new advertisements? Have their executives been buried under a rock for four years? I would think someone at one of their advertising meetings would raise their hand and say, “Brett Favre is one of the most hated men in America. Can’t we get Tim Tebow?” At some point you have to cut the cord and find some people who will be better pitchman. Or at the very least, people who won’t annoy me so much when a commercial featuring them comes on the air.