10. Dodgers Sign Zach Greinke, Korean Lefty Hyun-Jin Ryu If
nothing else, the past decade of major league baseball has proven that spending
money recklessly doesn’t guaruantee a playoff spot, much less a World Series,
but kudos to the Dodgers for ignoring this trend and throwing cash all over the place.
9. Royals Trade James Shields to Tampa Bay for Minor
League Stud Wil Myers
I
have a hard time believing that the Rays are going to end up getting outsmarted by Kansas City. If Myers
is in the majors by the end of May, pencil him in for AL Rookie of the Year.
The fact
that Peterson has a legitimate shot at a 2,000 yard rushing season
less than 365 days after tearing his left ACL should go down as one of the most
remarkable athletic achievements of the last 20 years. 4. Lionel Messi Sets Record For Most Goals in One Year Wasn’t
Messi getting hauled off the pitch on a stretcher last
week?
3. RGIII Nearly Blows Out ACL, Redskins Win Anyway Even without their franchise player, the
Redskins were able to pull off an epic comeback.
2. Down Nine in the Fourth Quarter, Cowboys Keep Season
Alive
These may or may not be actual questions from real or fake readers.
I’m having the hardest time coming up with songs for my new album. What should I write about? – Taylor S., Nashville, TN
I’ll give you a dollar to write about anything other than being a huge nerd in high school. Seriously Taylor, I get it. As a matter of fact, I was in the same club (minus the raw talent to become a huge country/pop star). I don’t need to hear you sing “she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts”, or that song about being 15. I’ll grant you that you’re a genius for catering all of your songs to teenage girls (somewhere, the guys from “Backstreet Boys” are saying, “DAMN YOU SWIFT! “), but I’m just asking for a little variety.
(SHORT RANT ALERT: When I first heard “Fifteen”, my first thought was to stab my eardrums with an ice pick. After giving it more thought, you have to tip your cap to Swift on this one and say it’s bloody brilliant. What teenage girl isn’t going to identify with that song? No wonder she’s sold 9 billion albums the past five years)
Has any baseball player ever had a better sense for “the moment” than Derek Jeter? Zack T., Riverhead, NY
There have been others that in brief time periods have been money when it mattered most (David Ortiz in 2004 is a great example), but Jeter has made a career of coming up huge when it matters most. Check out this list that MLB Network ran in April showing Jeter’s top 9 moments (none of which includes his 5-5 performance on the day he reached 3,000 hits).
How am I supposed to do a fantasy football mock draft when free agency hasn’t even started yet? – Theresa, Spokane, WA
I’ve never been a strong supporter of doing mock football drafts in July (I prefer to wait for a couple of key players to tear their ACL in meaningless preseason games before I start planning my drafts), but if you have the itch, you should be safe to mock away. Of all the free agents, runningback DeAngelo Williams looks like the only player that could potentially be a late-1st, early-2nd round pick depending on where he lands (dream landing spot for him = New England. Will never happen though). Depending on what the free agency rules are, Santonio Holmes and Sidney Rice could also be viable 2nd or 3rd wideouts picked between the 5th or 6th round. Other than those three guys, free agency will not have a huge impact on the fantasy season.
Can you please stop writing 18,000 word columns about old NASCAR drivers? – Roughly 600 of you, assorted locations around the globe
Sorry for waxing poetic about the glory days of NASCAR. My best comparison for how I feel about NASCAR would be to relate it to my thoughts about Aerosmith. I love old heroin infused Aerosmith from the ‘70s. “Toys in the Attics” and “Rocks” are two of the greatest albums of that era. However, I can’t stand anything about the band from “Permanent Vacation” on (although I will admit that I was known to blast “Angel” a time or two when I had a longer commute home, but no one needs to know about that). Listen to “Nobody’s Fault” (off of Rocks), and then listen to “Love in an Elevator”. Sounds like two completely different bands.
NASCAR has the same feel to me. You could say that the ‘90s were the “Toys in the Attic” years. 2004 (with the onset of the sport being sponsored by a cell phone company, and the beginning of The Chase) was quite clearly “Permanent Vacation”. I had a blast going through all of the old clips. Writing about Davey Allison was especially enjoyable for me. I hope a couple of you enjoyed it also.
Denis Leary makes references to the “cockles” of ones heart in his song "Asshole”. #1, what's a cockle? #2, do we need it? Or is it baggage like tonsils, the gall bladder, and foreskins? – Ryan B., Kearsarge, NH
My favorite question of the mailbag so far, because if nothing else, it allows me to post this video.
I actually did a little research on this (by research, I mean that I typed “what are cockles” into Google and then read the first three related pages that were listed), and discovered some interesting information. Apparently, there is a group of saltwater clams that are called cockles. Their physical structure resembles the stucture of the human heart, which led to 19th century doctors referring to the chambers of the heart as cockles. Nowadays, some super-spiritual people will refer to a cockle as the “emotional” part of your heart (in otherwords, the part that makes your heart beat faster when you’re excited or nervous), which has led to the phrase “warms the cockles of the heart”. I think it’s safe to say that anyone that read this entire paragraph learned something today.
If you’re Brett Favre, shouldn’t you comeback to play one more year? Think about it, the guy rolled into training camp around August 15th the last three years. This year everyone will be getting to camp at that time. It would be a level playing field for him. – Floyd, Fayetteville, AK
I’m sure it makes him think about it a little bit, but the physical beating he absorbed last year should be enough to finally keep him away from the NFL.
Saw your column about “Battle: LA” the other night. What are the five worst movies you have ever seen? – Katie, Rutland, VT
I’m not a huge movie buff, so I haven’t gone out of my way to see some of the most infamous movie flops of all time (for example, you won’t see “Gigli” or “Green Lantern” on this list), but in no particular order here are the five that would make my personal cut.
(EDITORS NOTE: You’ll notice that these are all action movies. There’s one main reason for this…I didn’t date much in high school, therefore I missed out on plenty of early ‘00s chick flicks)
“Alexander” – This Oliver Stone/Colin Farrell crap-fest is by far the worst movie I’ve ever seen in theater. Every time it seemed like it was going to end, the movie would drag on for another 35 minutes. This movie grossed $34 million in the United States, while it cost $155 million to produce.
“Batman and Robin” – Part of the reason Christopher Nolan’s reboot of the Batman franchise has been so well received is because the bar was set so low in George Clooney’s one appearance as the Dark Knight. This movie was another prime example that no matter how many stars you have you need a solid script.
“Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” – Three words…Jar Jar F***ing Binks.
“Driven” – Want to know why Sly was froze out of Hollywood for years? Check out this two-hour massacre that makes “Days of Thunder” look like 1990’s answer to “Casablanca”.
“Showgirls” – On paper, this movie should’ve worked, but unfortunately the stain of this flop forced the United States government to deport Elizabeth Berkley to Siberia (well not really, but she has never been hired as the lead actress for anything other than a Lifetime movie since).
What is the ceiling and floor for Terrell Pryor? – Mark, Akron, OH
I’ll give some obscure references, and won’t explain them, thus forcing you to look up his potential ceiling and floor on Wikipedia.
Ceiling = Quincy Carter
Floor = Spurgen Wynn
Is there a point to an All-Star Game if no All-Stars show up? – Lauren, Tacoma, WA
Sadly for MLB, the All-Star Game determines home-field advantage for the World Series. In every other sport, it’s an inconsequential exhibition (which is exactly why guys like Derek Jeter list “exhaustion” as a reason not to attend). In all seriousness though, players should skip the All-Star Game if there is any sort of ailment that could be aggravated. It’s not anyone’s fault that the people running MLB are dolts and decide home-field advantage in their championship series by the result of an exhibition.
NHL free agency has been insane. Which moves have gotten your attention so far? – Jean-Luc, Sherbrooke, NB
Philadelphia shipping out their top-2 centers, and then signing All-Star goalie Ilya Bryzgalov stands out as the boldest move so far. Brad Richards signing with the Rangers wins the award for most predictable move of the off-season. San Jose swapping Dany Heatley for Martin Havlat ranks as the oddest trade (although it makes more sense when you look at the financial side of it). However, the hands down winner for best signing goes to the Washington Capitals. Washington was able to ink former Panthers goalie Tomas Vokoun to a one-year deal at a discount rate of $1.5 million. Vokoun is used to seeing at least 30 shots every game, so he should mesh well supporting Washington’s high-flying offense. This will be the best team the Czech goalie has ever played for. If he’s up to the task, pencil in the Capitals as Eastern Conference Champions next season.
How much would you pay to watch Pacquiao-Mayweather? – Ethan H., Centerville, PA
I don’t think I’d pay anything, but if it were convenient to do so, I would go to a bar and watch it.
I’m so bummed out by the NFL and NBA Lockouts. Please give me reasons to be happy about these events. – Bill, Fort Worth, TX
We should have labor peace in the NFL within 10 days, so things are looking good on that front. NFL owners and players were arguing over how to split billions of dollars, so it was only a matter of time before the two sides got together.
The NBA outlook appears to be bleaker, but even in a doomsday scenario (which would be the entire 2011-12 season being cancelled) there is still a bright side. Whenever a deal is done, there will be rules in place that will give a small market team a better chance to hang on to a player like Lebron James. You should expect a hard salary cap (which has created all of the parity we see in football and hockey). A cancelled season would be terrible, but at least the league would be healthier coming out of it.
This fight would have been much more interesting if we could’ve teleported the 2001 version of Mosley into the ring Saturday night.
9. Derek Jeter Comes Back From the Dead
Jeter’s declining performance has been equal parts depressing and amusing. As a Red Sox fan, I’m happy to know that the Yankees a shortstop with no range and declining power over $50 million for the next three years (I wrote an extended piece about Jeter last November when Jeter was still a free agent, which covered most of the issues that signing Jeter long term would bring). As a general sports fan, it’s been sad to watch one of the most important athletes of the last 15 years become a punch line. Before this weekend, Jeter had only two extra base hits in 28 games. He smacked a double Saturday night, and then cranked out two home runs against Texas on Sunday. Don’t expect too many performances like this the rest of the season, but it was fun to see the old Derek Jeter for a weekend.
8. Predators Force Return Trip to Nashville, Win Game 5 in Vancouver
I’ve been writing about Pekka Rinne and the Predators for three straight weeks, mostly because I really enjoy the name Pekka. I’m happy they kept the ride going for one more week. No Credentials is officially picking Nashville to win Game 6 (which means you should all get your money on Vancouver right now).
7. Animal Kingdom Wins Kentucky Derby
I’m not sure what’s more enjoyable, watching the race or seeing the owners of the horses and their goofy hats. Also, I’m a big fan of the names of horses. In no particular order, here are some names I would consider naming a racehorse.
The Demoralizer
Text From Favre
Zoso (Led Zeppelin reference)
Rick James Bitch
Jimmer
Pekka
Supernaut (my favorite Black Sabbath song)
Dick Trickle (legendary American race driver, most famous for being named Dick Trickle)
Ace on the River
6. Justin Verlander Throws 2nd No Hitter This Week
The masses are begging me to begin the bring steroids back to baseball movement after Verlander tossed a no-no just five days after Twins pitcher Francisco Liriano did. For Verlander, Saturday’s effort was his second career no-hitter.
5. Regan Smith Pulls Off Upset at Darlington, Harvick Swings at Kyle Busch
It’s a good thing the Celtics-Heat game ended a half-hour before the NASCAR race did, otherwise I wouldn’t of known the race was happening.
You’ve got to feel bad for Regan Smith. This is a guy that had a win taken away from him at Talladega in 2008 because NASCAR ruled he illegally passed Tony Stewart below the yellow line (check the video to see what you think. Personally, I believe NASCAR was trying to get a bigger name into victory lane). He has been driving his ass off for the under funded Furniture Row team, which is the only NASCAR organization based out of Colorado, for the past three years. Smith finally pulls off a win (holding off the much faster Carl Edwards in the process), but it’s overshadowed by Kyle Busch and Kevin Harvick acting like morons.
4. Bruins Sweep Flyers
Boston was able to get the job this year against the Flyers, but they had to pay a steep price to pull off the sweep. Center Patrice Bergeron suffered a concussion halfway through Game 4, and is out indefinitely. Bergeron had major problems with concussions in the past, so there is a very real possibility that we will not see him on the ice for the rest of the playoffs.
3. Grizzlies Take Game 3 in Overtime
Memphis was down 16 during the 3rd quarter, and 13 at the start of the 4th, before holding Oklahoma City to 17 points in the 4th quarter and overtime. Zach Randolph continued his month long tear with a 21-21 game. If Memphis takes Game 4, you can book them for a date with Dallas in the Western Conference Finals.
2. Mavericks Destroy Lakers
Los Angeles showed some life in Game 3 before blowing a seven-point lead with five minutes to play. In Game 4, they looked like a team that was ready for summer vacation. Look for more on the Lakers from No Credentials later in the week.
1. Rondo Dislocates Elbow, Returns to Help Celtics Win Game 3
Just in case you forgot how badass Rajon Rondo is, watch this video. Then remember that after getting his dislocated elbow popped into place, Rondo was back on the court at the start of the 4th quarter. I’m not sure how he’s going to do playing with one arm the rest of the series (if Miami isn’t setting up screens and nailing Rondo’s left arm every trip down the court, than Erik Spoelstra deserves to be fired), but Rondo’s epic Game 3 performance will never be forgotten.
Anytime a team hangs 80+ on a fellow conference opponent, and the sport is football, I’ll tip my cap. It’s hard to score 83 points in a game of Madden (unless you’re a sally and play on a level less than All-Madden), much less in a Big-10 game.
9. Carl Edwards Does a Back Flip After Winning the NASCAR Race at Phoenix
This feat doesn’t get enough credit. I made two separate three hour drives this past weekend. Each time I got out of my car, my legs felt like jelly (perhaps this applies to just me and my poor athletic conditioning, but I hope a few of you share the same sensation). Edwards is able to climb out of a car after racing for 300, 400, or 500 miles, climb on top of it, and then do a back flip and land on pavement. Keep in mind that the cockpits of these cars are made so the drivers are wrapped up in a cocoon, and the temperature inside of them is usually around 120 degrees. I don’t know how he does it.
8. Wade-less Cowboys Win in the Meadowlands
I would’ve ranked this higher, but I can’t in good conscious get too excited about a team that’s still 2-7. I will say that I’m downright giddy about Dez Bryant’s future. If he can stay out of trouble, I have no doubt that he will be a top 5 receiver in THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE (that was a tribute to ESPN analyst Ron Jaworski for those who didn’t get the joke. My caps lock key didn’t break or anything).
7. U.S. Authorities Stop Mac-Truck With 3 Tons of Marijuana on Board
Can we devote one of my 648 cable channels solely to covering large drug busts 24 hours a day? I love these stories. This drug bust happened near Falfurriaa, Texas, on Friday. This is the conversation I think would’ve occurred on this truck shortly before it was pulled over (assuming that there was a passenger along with the driver).
Passenger: “Dude, there’s like, so much weed on this truck man.”
Driver: “Ya dude. It’s like, a lot.”
Passenger: “Wouldn’t it be cool if we just pulled over somewhere, and you know, smoked all of it?”
Driver: “Whoa dude, my brain just broke.”
(EDITOR’S NOTE: The writer’s favorite all-time drug bust story involved former Cowboys offensive lineman Nate Newton. He was stopped once with about 210 pounds of marijuana, and then 10 days later was stopped again with 180 pounds of marijuana. Remarkably, both stops occurred while Newton was driving the same van)
6. Manny Pacquiao Wins a Unanimous Decision Over Antonio Margarito
It’s a damn shame that 90% of the country stopped caring about boxing 20 years ago. Pacquiao doesn’t get nearly enough credit.
5. Jaguars Complete Hail Mary to Beat Texans at the Buzzer
This could’ve been ranked second or third, but unfortunately the play involved two irrelevant teams. You have to feel bad for the Texans. Most of the time a Hail Mary is completed, it’s usually because the defense tried to catch the ball as opposed to knocking it straight to the ground. On this play, the Texans defensive back did attempt to knock the ball straight into the turf. Unfortunately, the ball landed squarely in the chest of the shortest player on the Jaguars team. Better luck next year Texans.
4. Bill Clinton Films Scene for “The Hangover 2”
If there are any jokes during his scene about a stain on a black dress, my aorta will detonate into 12,000 pieces.
3. Patriots Demolish Steelers 39-26
It was a vintage performance by Tom Brady and the Patriots on Sunday night. The Steelers had no answer for the Patriots three wide receiver sets, or their two tight end formations. They couldn’t get any pressure on Brady, and they couldn’t cover the receivers. I thought the Patriots would be toast without Randy Moss to draw two defenders, but I was wrong.
I’m a big nerd for match-ups like this. Measuring stick games go along way in predicting what will happen come playoff time. The Steelers are the big bullies that want to arm-wrestle their opponents, but the Patriots turned it into a chess match. Brady knew where every blitz was coming from. The Steelers secondary is serviceable, but they can’t hang with receivers forever if there pass rush isn’t getting there. I’m not sure what they can do to better disguise their blitzes in a future playoff match-up. I would suggest just rushing three and having 8 defenders back in zone coverage (the Patriots used this strategy with great success against the Colts in the early ‘00s).
2. Cam Newton Accounts for 4 TDs as Auburn Blasts Georgia
I’m not sure what Cam Newton ever did to ESPN. Everyday last week, there was new allegations about him. Ole Miss started the firestorm by saying Newton’s father had informed them that Newton would need to be paid in order to attend the school. Then Florida jumped in and said that he stole another student’s assignment and claimed it as his own while playing for the Gators (interesting that this comes out years after the event occurred while the Gators are floundering and Newton is a Heisman Trophy candidate).
My question to you readers (all nine or so of you) is, do you actually care if a kid in college gets paid to play football? Would you get angry if a law student got $10,000 from a prospective firm as an incentive to be employed there after graduating? I think the answer is no. The NCAA makes millions of dollars off of college football and basketball. If some of there players make a couple of bucks, then so be it.
This wouldn’t even be a story if it weren’t for the aftermath of Reggie Bush giving up his Heisman trophy. I guess the media wants to make sure that there on top of this story from the get go. I don’t know how many of you remember Reggie Bush while he was at USC (I was in my late teenage years, so I can recall about 35% of that era, which I don’t think is half bad), but Reggie Bush and the USC Trojans were rock stars. They were as famous (if not more so) than every single NFL team. Is it so ridiculous that this kid would be offered certain benefits and accept them? Would you be able to turn down large sums of money when you’re currently not earning anything? The NCAA needs to worry about more important things (instituting a playoff system in college football, working with the NBA to extend the 1-year of college rule, kids tumbling to their death from a tower that is blown over by 50 mph wind gusts) than kid’s taking money.
1. My Son Evan Meets His Great-Great Grandfather and Great-Grandfather
I didn’t want to spend much time gushing about my family in this space, but the two visits we had this weekend were definitely worth the cut. We made our first long-distance excursion as a family since our little guy was born 4 ½ months ago. Both grandparents were very excited to meet the newest addition to our family. My dad also made the trek to my grandfather’s, so we were able to take the “4-generation” photo. Pretty cool.
