10. Nemo Barrels Through the Northeast I’m
not sure when we started naming blizzards (I remember most winter events being
remembered by things like “Ice Storm of ’98” or “Blizzard of ‘32”), but this
weekends storm system deserved to be named after something much tougher than a
Pixar fish.
9. Cristiano Ronaldo Nets a Hat Trick
We
usually save our soccer praises for Lionel Messi (who despite leading a 6-1
romp on Sunday, gets a week off), we’ll call out the pretty boy on Real Madrid for
a job well done.
8. Rusty Wallace, An Old Guy, and Three Dead People Join
NASCAR Hall of Fame
Rusty
was one of the pillars of the sport when I was first getting into it as a
youngster. I’ve mocked him several times in this blog (whether it was including
him on the list of worst ESPN employees, or
shamelessly linking to the video of his ’93 crash at Talladega), but for all
he’s done for NASCAR, he deserved to get in.
Here’s your “Top-10 Upset That No Credentials
Doesn’t Give a Shit About Of The Week”, sponsored by Prestone.
5. Clippers Survive 3rd Quarter Carmelo Onslaught Carmelo had 38
points by the end of the third quarter, but somehow only managed to put up two shots in the fourth.
4. Half-Court Heave Leads to Wisconsin’s Overtime Upset
Over Michigan
I’m
all-in on desperation heaves that improbably
tie basketball games. Michigan feels like a #2 seed that’s
going to get bounced in the second round.
3. Lebron Dominates Again Five straight games
with 30+ points while shooting better than 60% from the floor is ridiculous.
2. Notre Dame Needs Five Overtimes to Knock Off Louisville
Real life kept No Credentials from posting a classic crash before this past Sunday's race, but we don't want to forget the Monster Mile. Here's a classic crash that I watched live as a nine-year old back in 1995. To make a long story short, John Andretti was a piss-poor Winston Cup driver who somehow qualified up front. He lost control of his car, causing the largest crash at a non-restrictor plate track in the modern era of NASCAR. Good times. (EDITORS NOTE: If you want to miss the classic TNN introduction, fast forward to the 9 or 10 minute mark).
After reading Ed Hinton’s 12-part series on who would make the field of the ultimate Indianapolis 500 (if you like open-wheel racing check it out here), I was inspired to construct a similar list for NASCAR. This is part two of a four part series that will list who would make the ultimate 43-car starting grid. If you missed part 1 of this series, click here.
To spice it up a little bit, I tried to look at individual seasons as opposed to overall careers. For example, instead of simply plugging in Richard Petty, I am taking Petty from the year that I thought was his best. A driver could only qualify once for the list (this prevents five years of Jimmie Johnson from clogging up the ranks). In order to make it, a driver had to accomplish at least one of four things.
Win the Winston/Nextel/Sprint Cup Championship
Win a bunch of races
Have some form of cultural impact (in other words, does anyone remember them?)
Have been the main character in a motion picture
Without further ado, here is the second set of 11 drivers to make the cut.
33. Kyle Busch, 2008, #18 M&Ms Toyota
Kurt’s little brother can be a real douche, but there’s no questioning his talent behind the wheel of a racecar. After Rick Hendrick decided to replace Kyle with Dale Earnhardt Jr. for the 2008 season, Busch came out with a vengeance driving for Joe Gibbs. After dominating that year’s Daytona 500 (before Ryan Newman stole it), Busch went out and won 8 of the first 26 races. Unfortunately, things came totally unraveled for him in The Chase, and he ended up a disappointing 10th in the final standings. If we do a list like this again in 10 years, No Credentials should have a couple of Kyle Busch championship seasons to choose from.
Just for grins and giggles, watch how Kyle treated his Hendrick Motorsports replacement during the spring race at Richmond.
32. Dale Earnhardt Jr., 2004, #8 Budweiser Chevrolet
With all the worry over whether NASCAR’s most popular driver will win a race again, it’s hard to remember what made him so popular in the first place. 2004 cemented him as more than just a legacy child, as he won six races during the season (a third of his career total), including an emotional Daytona 500 win. NASCAR hasn’t been nearly as much fun as when Dale Jr. was driving the ultra cool Budweiser Chevrolet.
31. Terry Labonte, 1996, #5 Kellogg’s Chevrolet
The only reason Jeff Gordon didn’t win four straight titles was the remarkable consistency Terry Labonte displayed during the 1996 season. Labonte only won two races, but an 8.2 average finish gave him the ability to take advantage of Gordon’s late season swoon. Texas Terry doesn’t get enough credit for stealing the ’96 Winston Cup.
30. Ernie Irvan, 1994, #28 Texaco-Havoline Ford
Ernie earned the nickname “Swervin’ Irvan” for all of the crashes he was involved in early in his career. He was so aggressive that Irvan apologized to his fellow competitors before the 1991 Diehard 500. He had some moderate success driving the #4 Kodak Chevrolet (including a win in the 1991 Daytona 500), but his career took off when he was signed to become Davey Allison’s replacement in the famous Robert Yates #28 Ford.
Irvan got off to a fast start in 1994, winning two of the first four races. He added a 3rd win at Sears Point, and continued to lead a ton of laps throughout the summer. He would’ve had a large point lead over Dale Earnhardt if not for two races that got away from him. In the 1994 race at New Hampshire, I remember sitting in the stands watching Irvan get involved in a crash with a lapped car while leading. Despite missing the entire back half of his car, Irvan drove back to the lead before getting collected in another crash that knocked him out of the race.
The second race was the inaugural running of the Brickyard 400. Irvan had swapped the lead several times with Jeff Gordon before cutting a tire down with five laps to go.
Irvan entered the August race at Michigan only 27 points behind Dale Earnhardt. During an early Friday morning practice session, Irvan’s right front tire exploded, causing his Thunderbird to careen head on into the turn 2 wall at 170 mph. He was given only a 10% chance to survive head and lung injuries he sustained during the crash. Miraculously, he survived and restarted his career late in the 1995 season, only to have it end four years later at the same track after a very similar practice crash.
I won’t sit here and say Irvan would’ve won the championship if not for the crash, but he certainly would’ve had a damn good shot at it. Despite missing the final 11 races, Ernie still led more laps than any other driver in 1994. He definitly would've pushed Earnhardt all the way to the series finale at Atlanta that year. We were robbed of a great championship battle.
Buddy Baker didn’t win the Winston Cup Championship in 1980. In fact, he only ran 19 of the 31 races that season. However, check out the silver #28 car he drove to victory in that year’s Daytona 500.
The car was quickly dubbed “The Gray Ghost”. Fellow drivers complained that they couldn’t see him coming in the rearview mirror because his car blended in with the asphalt. If that Oldsmobile grew wings and flew overseas to bomb a Middle Eastern country, I wouldn’t be surprised.
28. Benny Parsons, 1973, #72 Dewitt Racing Chevrolet
Parsons only won a single race in 1973, but his consistent top-5 finishes earn him a place on this list. Not to mention that NASCAR broadcasts were a lot more fun when BP was in the booth.
27. Mark Martin, 1990, #6 Folgers Ford
Martin is the most famous runner-up in the history of NASCAR. He’s finished second in the season ending standings a record five times (1990, 1994, 1998, 2002, 2009), and was beaten by a bumper by Kevin Harvick at the 2007 Daytona 500. We could’ve chosen Mark’s 1998 season to include on this list, when if not for a superhuman season by Jeff Gordon he would’ve won the title, but instead we’ll take 1990. If not for a 46-point penalty given to him at Richmond for an illegal carburetor spacer (which NASCAR acknowledged didn’t improve the performance of his car), Martin would’ve beaten Dale Earnhardt by 20 points in the final season standings. Instead, Martin was a runner-up by 26 points.
26. Kurt Busch, 2004, #97 Sharpie Ford
Kyle’s older brother will never get enough credit for winning the first Chase, probably due to the fact that he was nearly 300 points behind Jeff Gordon after the last race of the regular season. Nevertheless, Busch did what he needed to do the final 10 races to beat both Gordon and Jimmie Johnson for the title.
25. Dale Jarrett, 1999, #88 Ford Credit Ford
Jarrett’s season started with his car rolling over in the Daytona 500, but Jarrett went on to dominate the rest of the 1999 season. DJ so thoroughly dominated K-Mart 400 at Michigan that he was apologizing in victory lane for stinking up the show.
24. Rusty Wallace, 1989, #27 Kodiak Pontiac
Long before he was a terrible ESPN commentator, Wallace was one of the best drivers on the circuit in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s. Earnhardt fans would argue that Rusty would’ve lost the championship in 1989 if not for a getting spun out on the last lap at North Wilkesboro by Ricky Rudd, but they should also remember the Mark Martin story from 1990 that I told three drivers earlier. You win some you lose some.
23. Ricky Bobby, 2006, #26 Wonder Bread Chevrolet
“If you ain’t first, you’re last” may not make a whole lot of sense (because as Ricky’s father eventually says, you can finish second, or third, or fourth…), but I’m not sure if anyone could’ve written a better motto for a fictional NASCAR driver than that.
For better or worse, ESPN has become almost as big a part of the sports viewing experience as the actual sports. Part of that experience is the individuals ESPN has chosen to be the commentators. Some of them are great. Trent Dilfer is a solid NFL announcer who should be swapped out with Ron Jaworski for the Monday night broadcasts (in my opinion). Kirk Herbstreit is an excellent college football commentator. This may surprise you, but I enjoy listening to Doris Burke’s analysis of NBA games.
However, sometimes, ESPN misses terribly. In my opinion, here are the 10 biggest schmucks that have worked for ESPN in the past decade. Feel free to post disagreements or nominate others in the comments section below this post.
10. Matt Millen – The problem with Millen isn’t necessarily the points he makes (the guy knows football, and was a great broadcaster for FOX back in the day working with a not yet senile Dick Stockton), but the knowledge that he somehow made the Detroit Lions even more of a laughingstock than they already were. When ESPN lists Millen’s credentials, they should make sure to note he was the architect of a 0-16 team.
9. Mike Patrick – Is there anything sadder than when a broadcaster who used to be serviceable becomes so old that he can’t remember who each team’s starting quarterback is? Even Pat Summerall (for my money, the greatest play-by-play football announcer ever) had this happen to him in the mid-90s. Mike Patrick hit that point sometime around 2003, and amazingly, ESPN still has him doing college football and basketball games. Patrick was solid back in the day during ESPN’s Sunday Night Football games, but he’s way past his prime.
8. Rusty Wallace – I’m assuming that most of you that read this don’t watch NASCAR, so let me provide you a typical Rusty Wallace comment during ESPN’s pre-race shows.
“I’ve gotta tell ya, when we won the championship in ’89, we were the fastest cat on the track, but let me tell ya, that Kyle Busch, that guy is a fast cat. That cat is fast.”
Since I mentioned Rusty Wallace, here are a couple of epic crashes he had. These have no relevance to this post, but NASCAR crashes are awesome, so there.
7. Mike Lupica – Lupica is the annoying little runt you can see every Sunday morning on “The Sports Reporters”. His book “The Summer of ‘98”, which celebrated the home run exploits of Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, is the best of evidence of the media’s ignorance over steroid use in baseball.
6. Chris Berman – I’m as big a fan of classic rock as there is, but if for just once, Berman could come up with a nickname that would reference a song that debuted later than 1985, I’d be so excited. If Berman is calling a baseball game, do yourself a favor and hit the mute button.
5. Stephen A. Smith – I tried desperately to search for video of Stephan A. Smith saying “SLAAAVA MEDVEDEEEEEEEEEENNNNKKKKOOOOO” derisively in regards to the quality of the 2004 Los Angeles Lakers (which would have summed up why Stephen A. is so high on this list), but instead all I found was this hilarious post game interview of Medvedenko. Enjoy.
4. Emmitt Smith – This is a tough one for me. Loyal readers of this blog (all four of you) will recall that I am a die-hard Dallas Cowboys fan. Emmitt was the key component of the 1990s dynasty (for those of you that think otherwise, look at the 1993 season. Emmitt held out the first two games. Dallas lost both of them. Emmitt returned for the 3rd game. They went 12-2 the rest of the regular season, and went on to win their 2nd straight Super Bowl). However, broadcasting was not his forte. It’s unclear what Emmitt was better at, playing runningback or butchering the English language. For an extended Emmitt speech, click here. If you prefer seeing a medley of errors, click here.
3. Joe Morgan – Morgan is essentially the African-American version of FOX announcer Tim McCarver. Both are old farts that don’t totally understand advanced baseball statistics. Both have odd fascinations with the effects of leadoff walks (here’s Morgan’s opinion on them), and both got a little too long in the tooth (check out some senile words of wisdom from McCarver right here). The only thing different between these two is ESPN finally came to their senses and got rid of Joe Morgan.
2. Lou Holtz – You can count on three things when you watch any segment featuring Lou Holtz.
He’s going to pick Notre Dame to win, even if USC is favored to beat them by 45 points.
He’s going to pick South Carolina to win.
He’s going to make little to no sense.
1. Steve Phillips – Phillips secured the all-time #1 spot on this list in my book when he was canned by ESPN for having an affair with a 22-year old production assistant. He should’ve been let go long before that for being a preening schmo. Phillips would have you believe that the 2000 Mets team he was the GM for was the modern version of the 1927 Yankees. Phillips was just a real creepy dude that had no business offering his opinions on live television.
