Bobby Valentine - "I'm Keeping the Seat Warm for Francona"

Chicago, IL (AP) – Bobby Valentine dropped a bombshell before Thursday’s game with the White Sox, revealing that Boston hired him as a ploy to return the fan’s faith in former manager Terry Francona.

            “John Henry thought it would take until June for Red Sox Nation to begin chanting for Terry,” says Valentine, “Needless to say, I’ve exceeded his expectations.”
            Executives in the Red Sox front office never wanted to fire Francona after last season, but according to Valentine, knew Red Sox Nation would not be happy if they didn’t make a change after their disastrous performance in September.
           “The folks running this team know Boston fans have the I.Q. of an infant squirrel,” a relaxed Valentine said while leaning back in his chair, “So by hiring a dummy like me to run the team, Red Sox Nation would immediately forget about one of the worst September collapses in baseball history.” Valentine went on to rant about how he doesn’t fit in with the Red Sox.
            “You know I like to do things like lay on tanning beds, or lay out in the sun, or you know, any activity that makes my skin more orange. During the first day of Spring Training, Pedroia asked if I wanted to play a game of cribbage. Cribbage! My Nana played cribbage. I don’t belong in a place where I have to play board games with people.”
            Valentine didn’t say whether or not ESPN was in on the scheme, but did say that if Francona were rehired, it would be very likely that he would return to television.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (12/17-12/19)

10. ESPN Fires Employee Responsible For Offensive Jeremy Lin Headline
            It’s very disconcerting that such a headline could make it all the way to being publicly viewed. You’d think an organization like ESPN would have better forms of checks and balances.

9. Jimmie Johnson’s Car Fails First Tech Inspection at Daytona

            It’s great to see that Chad Knaus vacation this off-season didn’t change his devious ways too much. There hasn’t been a more hate-able crew chief in the history of NASCAR.

8. Seeds Are Planted For Rick vs. Shane Showdown on “The Walking Dead.”

            No Credentials would like to hear from the readers. Who do you want to see survive, Rick or Shane? My vote is for Shane. If you’re willing to have your response posted (get it to me via e-mail at c_muir@hotmail.com, twitter @nocredatall, or on Facebook) I’ll run them in a post before next week’s episode.

7. Carl Edwards Win Pole for Daytona 500, Roush-Fenway Sweeps Front Row

            Qualifying at Daytona means about as much as a politician’s guarantee to lower taxes, but Edwards should be pumped to start 2012 on a high note after the disappointing end to last season.

6. Beckett and Lester Acknowledge Lack of Judgment Last September

            We can file this news bulletin in the “better late than never” department. Perhaps the need for redemption will empower both Red Sox pitchers to reaffirm their status as aces.

5. Lionel Messi Scores Four Goals in One Game
            For those of you not in the know, four goals is a lot.

4. Spurs Nearly Blow Lead, Defeat Clippers in Overtime

            It was impressive feat for San Antonio to win it’s tenth straight game in the Clipper building, but they paid a heavy price to do it. Manu Ginobili, who was making his fourth start after missing 22 with a broken wrist, suffered a strained oblique after a hard screen by Kenyon Martin. San Antonio also lost backup center Tiago Splitter to a strained right calf. For a team that has been trying to baby Tim Duncan through this condensed regular season, that’s a big deal.

3. Tim Wakefield Retires

            I’m just going to list all of the memorable (for better or worse) players Wakefield was teammates with during his run in Boston that I can type from memory in five minutes.

Roger Clemens

Mo Vaughn
Jose Canseco
Tim Naehring
Scott Hatteberg
Jason Varitek
Heathcliff Slocumb (unofficially, his trade was the catalyst for the foundation of the 2004 Red Sox, along with steroids)
Derek Lowe
Pedro Martinez
Troy O’Leary
Trot Nixon
Nomar Garciaparra
John Burkett
Hideo Nomo
Johnny Damon
Manny Ramirez
David Ortiz
Curt Schilling
Mark Bellhorn
Rich Garces
Orlando Cabrera
Dave Roberts
Kevin Millar
Lou Merloni
Jacoby Ellsbury
Matt Clement
David Wells
Jonathan Papelbon
Hideki Okajima
Kevin Youkilis
Clay Bucholz
Jon Lester
Josh Beckett
John Lackey (woof)
Dustin Pedroia
Dante Bichette
Aaron Sele
Adrian Gonzalez
J.D. Drew
Carl Crawford
Bronson Arroyo
Daniel Bard
PAPELBON (still a little distraught he’s no longer with the Sox)
Keith Foulke
Jared Saltalaicantspelltherestofhisname

            Playing with all those guys (and the many more that I forgot, like Todd Walker, Tom Gordon, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Carl Everett, ect.) is an accomplishment on it’s own. I’ll remember Wakefield for being the most fun Red Sox pitcher to watch (after Pedro) for how quickly he worked. I’ll remember him for his quirky knuckleball, which usually led to either 8 innings of one run ball or 2 innings of 9 run ball. I’ll remember him doing whatever was asked of him (remember him getting 15 saves in 1999? Crazy). I’ll remember him for bouncing back after giving up the series clinching home run to Aaron Boone in the 2003 ALCS (most pitchers would’ve been destroyed by that moment). It’s more likely that baseball fans will see another Pedro Martinez before we ever see another Tim Wakefield.

2. Linsanity Continues Sunday Against Dallas

            Linsanity is just like Tebow Mania, with the only difference being that the player at the center of the craze is actually pretty good.

1. Kyle Busch Nearly Wrecks Twice, Wins Wild Bud Shootout

            Classic NASCAR fans can rejoice. Pack racing is back (at least until the last two laps anyway). Kyle Busch put on one of the best displays of driving in restrictor plate history with two brilliant saves, and then his slingshot move to nip Tony Stewart at the finish line. Folks should be looking forward to a great Daytona 500.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (5/13-5/15)

10. ESPN’s Matthew Barnaby Arrested During a Domestic Dispute

            Barnaby was a fringe contender to make the 10 worst ESPN employees list, but no one in America cares about hockey, which doesn’t really make him relevant. I don’t want to make to much light of this situation (according to police there was no reports of violence), but when did ESPN begin to have more legal issues than the Cincinnati Bengals?

9. Carl Edwards Dodges Scary Crash in Nationwide Race at Dover

            Edwards was so concerned that he caused this last lap crash that he skipped his usual back flip after winning the race.

8. Matt Kenseth Steals Win

            A very boring race was given a bit of a jolt by an odd caution with 38 laps to go. Jimmie Johnson, Carl Edwards, and Clint Bowyer were the three fastest cars on the track, but they took four tires on the final pit stop (to put it simply for non gear heads, that was the wrong decision). Matt Kenseth elected to take two tires (again for non gear heads, that was the right decision). Kenseth cruised passed old-timer Mark Martin to take his second victory of the season.

7. Troy Polamalu Graduates From USC

            I’m not sure what Polamalu plans to do with a degree in history after his playing career, but good for him.

6. Chad Ochocinco Rides a Bull

            Of all of Chad’s antics over the past 10 years, this one is my favorite. It’s one thing to propose to a cheerleader, or Velcro a fake name to your jersey, or even legally change your last name. Riding a bull though is pretty serious business.

5. Lightning Smoke Bruins in Game 1

            Tampa scored three goals in 85 seconds of this one and never looked back. Boston looked very old trying to chase down Tampa’s top-3 lines (you’ll recall they had a similar issue against Montreal in Round 1).

4. Jose Bautista Hits Three Home Runs in One Game

            I’m not sure who is responsible for turning Bautista into the 1996 version of Mark McGwire (more than likely a rogue Canadian scientist), but it’s awesome. He smacked five dingers in the three game series at Minnesota, which isn’t the easiest place to hit a home run.

3. Thunder Finally Knock Off Grizzlies

            It’s strange to say it, but I’m going to miss the Memphis Grizzlies. They gave us an epic upset of the veteran San Antonio Spurs. They pushed a much more talented Oklahoma City team to a 7^th game, despite losing the epic triple overtime game 4. They didn’t put out their best effort Sunday, but what are you going to do when Kevin Durant drops 39 and Russell Westbrook gets a triple-double? Look out for Memphis next year when a healthy Rudy Gay returns.

2. Jorge Posada Refuses to Hit 9^th in Yankees Lineup

            What do you get when you mix a washed up player with an oversized ego that’s upset about his spot in the batting order? This story.

            I was planning on talking about how this is only the beginning of issues that New York Yankees will have with aging players, but ESPN’s Wallace Matthews (who actually gets paid to write) beat me to it here.    

1. Chicago Hammers the Heat

            This was a tie game at halftime, but the depth of the Bulls overwhelmed Miami in the 2^nd half. Unlike Boston, Chicago has plenty of big bodies to clean up the boards and shut down the boards. The only thing that held them back in the first half was some sloppy play by Derrick Rose. Miami is in big trouble if they can’t keep Chicago off of the offensive glass (the Bulls had 19 offensive rebounds).

10 Worst Broadcasters Employed By ESPN

            For better or worse, ESPN has become almost as big a part of the sports viewing experience as the actual sports. Part of that experience is the individuals ESPN has chosen to be the commentators. Some of them are great. Trent Dilfer is a solid NFL announcer who should be swapped out with Ron Jaworski for the Monday night broadcasts (in my opinion). Kirk Herbstreit is an excellent college football commentator. This may surprise you, but I enjoy listening to Doris Burke’s analysis of NBA games.

            However, sometimes, ESPN misses terribly. In my opinion, here are the 10 biggest schmucks that have worked for ESPN in the past decade. Feel free to post disagreements or nominate others in the comments section below this post.  

10. Matt Millen – The problem with Millen isn’t necessarily the points he makes (the guy knows football, and was a great broadcaster for FOX back in the day working with a not yet senile Dick Stockton), but the knowledge that he somehow made the Detroit Lions even more of a laughingstock than they already were. When ESPN lists Millen’s credentials, they should make sure to note he was the architect of a 0-16 team.

9. Mike Patrick – Is there anything sadder than when a broadcaster who used to be serviceable becomes so old that he can’t remember who each team’s starting quarterback is? Even Pat Summerall (for my money, the greatest play-by-play football announcer ever) had this happen to him in the mid-90s. Mike Patrick hit that point sometime around 2003, and amazingly, ESPN still has him doing college football and basketball games. Patrick was solid back in the day during ESPN’s Sunday Night Football games, but he’s way past his prime.

8. Rusty Wallace – I’m assuming that most of you that read this don’t watch NASCAR, so let me provide you a typical Rusty Wallace comment during ESPN’s pre-race shows.

“I’ve gotta tell ya, when we won the championship in ’89, we were the fastest cat on the track, but let me tell ya, that Kyle Busch, that guy is a fast cat. That cat is fast.”

            Since I mentioned Rusty Wallace, here are a couple of epic crashes he had. These have no relevance to this post, but NASCAR crashes are awesome, so there.

Rusty Flips During 1993 Daytona 500

Dale Earnhardt Wrecks Rusty at Talladega

7. Mike Lupica – Lupica is the annoying little runt you can see every Sunday morning on “The Sports Reporters”. His book “The Summer of ‘98”, which celebrated the home run exploits of Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, is the best of evidence of the media’s ignorance over steroid use in baseball.

6. Chris Berman – I’m as big a fan of classic rock as there is, but if for just once, Berman could come up with a nickname that would reference a song that debuted later than 1985, I’d be so excited. If Berman is calling a baseball game, do yourself a favor and hit the mute button.

5. Stephen A. Smith – I tried desperately to search for video of Stephan A. Smith saying “SLAAAVA MEDVEDEEEEEEEEEENNNNKKKKOOOOO” derisively in regards to the quality of the 2004 Los Angeles Lakers (which would have summed up why Stephen A. is so high on this list), but instead all I found was this hilarious post game interview of Medvedenko. Enjoy.

4. Emmitt Smith – This is a tough one for me. Loyal readers of this blog (all four of you) will recall that I am a die-hard Dallas Cowboys fan. Emmitt was the key component of the 1990s dynasty (for those of you that think otherwise, look at the 1993 season. Emmitt held out the first two games. Dallas lost both of them. Emmitt returned for the 3^rd game. They went 12-2 the rest of the regular season, and went on to win their 2^nd straight Super Bowl). However, broadcasting was not his forte. It’s unclear what Emmitt was better at, playing runningback or butchering the English language. For an extended Emmitt speech, click here. If you prefer seeing a medley of errors, click here.

3. Joe Morgan – Morgan is essentially the African-American version of FOX announcer Tim McCarver. Both are old farts that don’t totally understand advanced baseball statistics. Both have odd fascinations with the effects of leadoff walks (here’s Morgan’s opinion on them), and both got a little too long in the tooth (check out some senile words of wisdom from McCarver right here). The only thing different between these two is ESPN finally came to their senses and got rid of Joe Morgan.

2. Lou Holtz – You can count on three things when you watch any segment featuring Lou Holtz.

1. He’s going to pick Notre Dame to win, even if USC is favored to beat them by 45 points.
2. He’s going to pick South Carolina to win.
3. He’s going to make little to no sense.

     

1. Steve Phillips – Phillips secured the all-time #1 spot on this list in my book when he was canned by ESPN for having an affair with a 22-year old production assistant. He should’ve been let go long before that for being a preening schmo. Phillips would have you believe that the 2000 Mets team he was the GM for was the modern version of the 1927 Yankees. Phillips was just a real creepy dude that had no business offering his opinions on live television.