Folks That Could Benefit From Briefly Being Replaced

            After watching a Baltimore crowd that managed to chant “BULLSHIT” for five straight minutes during the Sunday night game give a standing ovation to the regular officials just four days later, I started thinking (which is dangerous). What other people or groups could benefit from being replaced by unqualified people? Here’s the half-baked list.

 

Congress

            For my money, the best possible comparison to the NFL refs is the members of the Senate and House. Regardless of party affiliation, Congress is typically a hated entity. They’d get a little more respect if they were locked out and replaced by small-town selectmen for three weeks.

Van Halen Singer “Diamond” David Lee Roth

            The only example on this list of someone who actually was replaced permanently (I’m not counting the brief reunion tours that Diamond Dave has done with Van Halen in the past decade. He never again performed with the band in his prime after leaving in 1985). Van Halen went from pumping out classics (You Really Got Me, Unchained, Hot For Teacher, Panama) to playing watered down pop rock (Love Comes Walking In, Right Now). Van Halen would be remembered much more fondly if Roth could’ve stayed in the fold instead of Sammy Haggar.

Jay Leno

            Actually, on second thought, no one under the age of 48 would miss Jay Leno if NBC ever came to their senses and took him off the air for good.

Ryan Seacrest

            Seacrest leads Hollywood in the number of most thankless jobs. American Idol host. Radio show host. The heir to Dick Clark’s New Year’s Eve throne. Frequent red carpet interviewer. None of those gigs are jobs kids would dream about doing (unless being Simon Cowell’s whipping boy for almost a decade sounds like fun to someone). He gets no love, and very little fanfare, but if you take him away from any of those jobs, the performance will drop. I don’t think everyone has the “emcee” gene in them. Seacrest has it better than anyone else.

Christian Bale

 

 

            After the previous audio clip, most people thought Christian Bale was a raging lunatic. His performance as Batman over the years has been largely unpraised, and even mocked due to his in costume voice. If we could somehow have a machine that could show us what every movie Christian Bale has been in would be like if his role was played by another actor, I guaruantee it would be worse. If it wasn’t for the Oscar he won, he’d be the most underrated actor of the past decade.

Figure Skating/Gymnastic/Dancing With the Stars Judges

            I’m not even remotely a fan of any of these activities (save for Emmitt Smith’s championship winning run against Slater from “Saved By The Bell”), which makes it very hard for me to judge how good or bad a given performer did. Basically, as long as the person doesn’t fall down, I’m ready to give them a 10. 

Bobby Valentine

            Obviously, another joke. Just making sure you’re still paying attention.

Kid’s Television Programming

            Any parent will tell horror stories about some show they’ve had to watch 2,042,682 times. If I ever find ambition again, I’ll unveil my “Agents of Satan” power-poll for the most annoying kid’s shows on the air. Unfortunately, these shows can sometimes be the only thing that keep children from doing crazy shit like unscrew light bulbs, draw on walls, or dig for stuff in the refrigerator (EDITORS NOTE: Whoever the jerk was that taught my two-year old son how to unscrew a light bulb…you’re a real asshole).

Police Officers

            Amazingly, it took me 36 hours to come up with police officers as an option for this list, even though they should’ve been a slam-dunk, first ballot nominee. There isn’t a more thankless job on Earth.

Bobby Valentine - "I'm Keeping the Seat Warm for Francona"

Chicago, IL (AP) – Bobby Valentine dropped a bombshell before Thursday’s game with the White Sox, revealing that Boston hired him as a ploy to return the fan’s faith in former manager Terry Francona.

            “John Henry thought it would take until June for Red Sox Nation to begin chanting for Terry,” says Valentine, “Needless to say, I’ve exceeded his expectations.”
            Executives in the Red Sox front office never wanted to fire Francona after last season, but according to Valentine, knew Red Sox Nation would not be happy if they didn’t make a change after their disastrous performance in September.
           “The folks running this team know Boston fans have the I.Q. of an infant squirrel,” a relaxed Valentine said while leaning back in his chair, “So by hiring a dummy like me to run the team, Red Sox Nation would immediately forget about one of the worst September collapses in baseball history.” Valentine went on to rant about how he doesn’t fit in with the Red Sox.
            “You know I like to do things like lay on tanning beds, or lay out in the sun, or you know, any activity that makes my skin more orange. During the first day of Spring Training, Pedroia asked if I wanted to play a game of cribbage. Cribbage! My Nana played cribbage. I don’t belong in a place where I have to play board games with people.”
            Valentine didn’t say whether or not ESPN was in on the scheme, but did say that if Francona were rehired, it would be very likely that he would return to television.