10. San Francisco Giants Hire Barry Bonds as a Spring
Training Instructor No word yet on whether or not his official title
will be “Chemical Engineer”.
7. USA Men’s Hockey Team Forgets How to Score Goals That’s a problem
when you’re facing Canada for the right to play in the gold medal game, and
then getting blown out by Finland with a chance
to earn a bronze.
Collins historic appearance (he’s the first openly
gay athlete to appear in a game in any of the four major sports leagues)
resulted in 2 boards, 1 steal, and several hard screens
that freed up his teammates. 3. Clippers Win a Shootout in Oklahoma City Jamal Crawford went bonkers in this one with 36 points, which trumped a 42-10 effort from Kevin Durant. He
delivered Los Angeles’ their best road win of the season. 2.Canada
Dominates Sweden, Wins Olympic Men’s Hockey Gold Medal Even on the larger international ice, Canada’s elite defensive corps was able
to swallow up the talented Swedes.
1. Dale Earnhardt Dominates Under the Lights, Wins Second
Daytona 500
Withstanding
a six-hour rain delay, Junior cranked it up in primetime. You’ll
be hard pressed to find a more grateful winner than Dale Earnhardt Jr.
yesterday.
Yet
another steroids scandal got No Credentials thinking (always a dangerous
thing)... what are my ten favorite baseball memories? A couple of facts to set
the stage before we get to my list.
1995
was my first year as a die-hard sports fan. I was nine years old for 10
months of it.
I’ve
barely watched baseball over the past five years (fortunately, managing
fantasy teams does not require watching real-life games).
Pedro
Martinez was the man.
Without further ado…
10. Anaheim Defeats the Giants in “The Steroids Series”
What Happened = San Francisco Choked in Game 6,
squandering a 5-0 lead that they carried into the bottom of the seventh inning.
Both teams combined to hit 21 home runs in the seven game series (San Francisco
hit 14 of them!), with final scores of 11-10 in Game 2 and 16-4 in Game 5.
Chances Steroids Were Involved = If it were ever
possible for the answer to this sort of question being 6,000%, this would be
time for it. I think Victor Conte was injecting Giants hitters with HGH in the
batter’s box. Barry Bonds stat line might have been the peak of his ridiculous
steroids run (even surpassing his 73 dinger season), as he put up a .471-4-6- batting line with an OPS of 1.994.
Bonds getting robbed of a World Series ring thanks to the Giants bullpen
collapse was one of the great karma moments of the 2000’s that we didn’t realize
was happening at the time.
Other Memorable Moments = Dusty Baker’s kid almost
got run over at home plate (because you know, letting a three year old be the
bat boy makes a ton of sense), but was saved by J.T. Snow.
9. Texas Chokes Twice, Giving St. Louis the World Series
What Happened = Ron Washington, higher than a kite on
cocaine (just kidding! I think…), used a bunch of weird people to try to close
out Game 6 of the 2011 World Series. Naturally, things didn’t work out. St.
Louis posted two rallies to tie the game, and went on to take Game 7.
Chances Steroids Were Involved = We’ll go fairly high
here, throwing out a number of 65%.
Other Memorable Moments = This is the only time I
remember watching a World Series game in the last three years. I just had to
use Google to make sure the Giants won last season.
8. Pedro Delivers a Giant F-U Performance in Tampa Bay
What Happened = Pedro Martinez hit Gerald
Williams with his fourth pitch of the night in a late August start in 2000. The
following video is what resulted from said hit batter.
After the
dust settled, Martinez went into overdrive, recording 24 consecutive outs before Tampa
Bay broke up the no-hit bid with a single in the bottom of the ninth.
Chances Steroids Were Involved = 100%. People don’t
get pissed off like that much anymore (unless of course, it involves Zach
Greinke), so roid-rage definitely had something to do with it. Also, there is
no way Brian Daubach would’ve made it to the Major Leagues without the benefits
of performance enhancing drugs.
Other Memorable Moments = It took four attempts (and
two pitchers!) by the Devil Rays to finally hit Brian Daubach during his at-bat
in the seventh inning.
Forgotten Moniker = Tampa Bay immediately became
relevant when they dropped “Devil” from their team name, which is one of the
great wins for God of the 2000s.
7. Mark McGwire Hits 50 Home Runs Over the Green Monster
in the Home Run Derby
What Happened = Alright, I think he only did it 12
times, but regardless of the quantity, Mark McGwire hit a bunch of fucking
baseballs about 500 feet in the Home Run Derby at Fenway Park. Sadly, MLB
hasn’t uploaded a video of this event to YouTube yet (couldn’t imagine why),
because it was incredible live television. Big Mac didn’t win the Derby, but he
was the star of the show.
Chances Steroids Were Involved = Um, you know who
Mark McGwire is right? 100%.
Extended Rant = There really isn’t more dated and
ignorant television programming from the late-90s and early-00s than the Home
Run Derbies. Watching Chris Berman go bonkers as juiceheads like Sosa and
McGwire crushed baseballs is retroactively hilarious.
6. Josh Beckett Puts the Sox on His Back, J.D. Drew Hits
the $13 Million Grand Slam
What Happened = I’m not sure if anyone remembers
this, but the Red Sox were down 3 games to 1 in the 2007 ALCS against the
Cleveland Indians (this was before Grady Sizemore’s career went off a cliff).
Josh Beckett destroyed the Indians in Game 5 (easy to forget that performance
the way his career in Boston ended), and then J.D. Drew capped a big first
inning in Game 6 with the only quality play he made during his debut season in
Boston.
Chances Steroids Were Involved = In the series we’ll have to say 100% (Manny Ramirez was the World Series
MVP after all), but with the two guys we mentioned in the headline, I’ll say
10%. J.D. Drew or Beckett didn’t appear to give enough of a shit about baseball
to ever put substances in their bodies to improve performance.
Other Memorable Moments = I was playing poker and/or heavily intoxicated during every game of the
2007 ALCS, meaning that the $13 Million Grand Slam and Beckett’s Game 5 are the
only things I vividly remember about it.
5. Pedro Martinez Demoralizes Don Zimmer
What Happened = During Game 3 of the 2003 ALCS, Manny
Ramirez freaked out about a baseball that was closer to home plate than his
face. Chaos ensued, culminating in 146 year-old Don Zimmer going after Pedro
Martinez.
All right I
lied Zimmer was only 72. Regardless, that’s the high comedy point of the 2003
ALCS.
Chances Steroids Were Involved = 100%, with a hint of
Viagra thanks to Zimmer.
Other Memorable Moments = Aaron Boone’s walk-off Game
7 homer (which only happened because Grady Little left Pedro in one inning too
long…sigh) was the last stomach punch Red Sox fans took before their epic 2004
title.
Interesting Fact = On the same day as the epic
Pedro-Zimmer throw down, I had almost 100 people over my house to celebrate my
birthday. That scenario sounds great on paper, but I think only five of the
people in attendance knew it was my birthday.
4. Mariano Rivera Blows the Save in Game 7 Against
Arizona
What Happened = After an epic first six games of the
series (remember Derek Jeter earning the nickname Mr. November?), the Hammer of
God just needed to get three outs to give the Yankees their fourth straight
World Series victory.
Needless
to say, Rivera imploded. A lesser man’s career would’ve gone down the toilet
after such a dramatic meltdown. The Hammer of God is not a typical closer.
Chances Steroids Were Involved = 200%. For proof, here’s the statline Luis Gonzalez
threw up for the 2001 Arizona Diamondbacks.
BA = .325 (second
highest of his career)
HR = 57 (only had
one other season where he hit more than 30) RBI = 142 R = 128 OPS = 1.117
(that’s not a typo)
Call me a party-pooper, but those
numbers are a tad suspicious.
Other Memorable Moments = For my money, the 2001
World Series is the greatest playoff series I’ve ever seen in any professional
sport. From Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling (soccer mom) hoisting the
Diamondbacks on their backs, to the epic games in New York less than two months
after September 11th, there has never been another series like it
since.
Editors Note = I made money off of this series, so my
opinion is 100% biased.
3. Pedro Martinez Goes Bonkers in the 1999 All-Star Game
What Happened = Pedro nearly throws his right arm off
as he strikes out Barry Larkin (Hall of Famer), Larry Walker (fringe Hall
candidate, but he was the ’97 NL MVP), Sammy Sosa (Steroids Hall of Famer),
Mark McGwire (ditto), and Jeff Bagwell (soon to be Hall of Famer) during the
first two innings of the ’99 All Star Game at Fenway Park.
Chances Steroids Were Involved = With Pedro’s opponents, 100%, but as for Pedro himself, I’m saying 0.
2. The Home Run Chase of ‘98
What Happened = Reeling from the devastating 1994
strike (that cancelled the World Series, and for all intents and purposes,
destroyed the Montreal Expos), Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa dragged MLB back
from the depths with their epic pursuit of 61 home runs.
Chances Steroids Were Involved = 800%. McGwire’s
whole career was a juiced concoction (he posted a league leading 49 dingers and
.987 OPS in his rookie year), and Sosa’s stunning 1998 season was truly
remarkable. Sosa was one of the better power-speed combo players of the mid-90s
(he posted 30-30 seasons in 1993 and 1995) before morphing into the Dominican
version of The Hulk. Here’s the stat line he put up in 1998, with previous
career highs in parenthesis.
What Happened = If you don’t know the story of the
2004 Boston Red Sox, then I don’t understand how you've made it this far into the column.
Chances Steroids Were Involved = 8,000%. For grins
and giggles, here’s the list of likely juicers from the 2004 ALCS.
Alex Rodriguez
Manny Ramirez
David Ortiz
Mark Bellhorn (remember him?)
Gary Sheffield
Jason Giambi
Andy Pettitte
Dave Roberts (just kidding!)
Bill Mueller (post steroids cycle, his 2003 numbers were
ridiculous)
That’s just going from memory. The
2004 Red Sox will probably be the most memorable sports team of my life time,
and it wouldn’t of been possible without good old fashioned PEDs.
TECMO Super
Baseball is the greatest baseball video game ever made. Based on the 1994
season, TECMO was one of the first games to keep full season statistics for an
entire 162 game season. Even more amazing, the game gives you the option to
literally play every single game of the season (which is a feature that
currently is only offered in Madden). My goal before I croak is to play every
single game of the season (picking which team to play in a given game based on
pitching match-ups, home field advantage, personal bias, ect.). As of today,
I’m through the first week of May (roughly 26-28 games played for each team).
It’s taken me three years to get to this point.
To
complement this nerd quest, I created a TECMO Super Baseball Fantasy League
(you read that sentence right). I drafted ten 25-man rosters, with no bias to
any particular team. To emphasize how nerdy this really is, I have a 3-page
Excel spreadsheet dedicated to it. Since it would be ridiculous to keep
track of daily lineups, all 25 players are active every single day. There won’t
be any add and drops, so each team is stuck with what they have. The positions
that needed to be filled are…
C
1B
2B
3B
SS
2 CIFs (1B or 3B)
MIF (2B or SS)
LF
CF
RF
3 OFs
UT
8 SPs
2 RPs (I think relief pitchers are stupid)
Before
we get to the draft, there are a few things about the game you should know.
Both
teams from Canada rock. Toronto was coming off two straight World Series
titles, and Montreal is the most athletic team in the game.
Rob
Dibble’s fastball tops out at 110 mph.
Tom
Candiotti throws a knuckleball that travels 29 mph.
Both
eastern divisions are vastly superior to every other (I guess not much has
changed in 20 years).
The
home run jingle is the best sports video game music ever. I attempted to find
a clip of it on YouTube, but alas there is something that can’t be found
on the Internet.
1994
was the year of the strike, so in a way, you could say that when I finish
this, I will have officially decided the World Series winner for 1994.
Now without further ado, the first
round of the TECMO Super Baseball Fantasy Draft.
1-1: Barry Bonds, LF, San Francisco Giants
Back
in 1994, Barry Bonds wasn’t a steroids abusing dickhead yet. Instead, he was
simply a dickhead. Bonds is an absolute monster in the game (ironically enough,
his only attribute that he isn’t close to being full is his “clutch” rating)
who can belt balls 500 feet or steal bases at will. He’s lived up to his status
as the first overall pick in this ridiculous draft, easily ranking as the top
offensive player through 20 games. As it stands, he's on pace for the first 100-60 season for home runs and steals in baseball history.
Stats through 20 games: .471, 13 HRs, 32 RBIs, 29 Rs, 8 SBs
1-2: Ken Griffey Jr., CF, Seattle Mariners
Griffey
will forever be known as “The Best Player That Hopefully Wasn’t On Steroids
During The Steroids Era”. Griffey didn’t get nearly enough props for speed in
this game (he’s only ranked a 10 out of 15, which would equate to a 67 on a 100
point scale), but fortunately he hits the ball out of the park enough so he
only needs to trot around the bases.
Stats through 20 games: .345, 12 HRs, 31 RBIs, 23 Rs, 2 SBs
Most
people forgot that Alomar was the most important player on a team that won two straight
World Series after he spit in the face of an umpire in 1996.
Stats through 20 games: .389, 2 HRs, 15 RBIs, 21 Rs, 16 SBs
1-5: Albert Belle, LF, Cleveland Indians
Belle
wasn’t quite Mike Tyson Crazy, but he wasn’t far off from Carl Everett Crazy.
Other than hitting 50 home runs in a strike shortened 1995 season (he wasn’t
juicing or anything, no way), his most notable accomplishment was still getting
checks from the Baltimore Orioles five years after he had played his last game
with them.
In
TECMO Super Baseball, Mike Piazza is far and away the best catcher. It’s not
even close. Drafting him at six is similar to taking Rob Gronkowski around the
turn in fantasy football drafts this year, only there isn’t a guy like Jimmy
Graham you could’ve taken a round later. In retrospect, he probably should’ve
gone second or third.
In
real life, Matt Williams actually had a chance of breaking the home run record
in 1994 before the strike killed the season (he had 43 homers in 112 games,
which is roughly a 60 homer pace). So far in TECMO land it looks like Williams
will have a shot at breaking the batting average record.
Hard
to decide whether hitting the go-ahead home run to win Atlanta’s only World
Series or once being married to Halle Berry is the more notable accomplishment
in David’s life. I think I’ll vote for the latter.
Stats through 20 games: .353, 8 HRs, 21 RBIs, 17 Rs, 2 SBs
1-9: Juan Gonzalez, LF, Texas Rangers
Juan
got off to a slow start in the first 20 games, but he cranked out eight bombs
in his next six games.
