No Credentials Mailbag 8-6-12

            It was around 11:30pm, and after a long day at work I was checking my Facebook before bed. This is the message that greeted me…

Hey Dick, what's holding up the G.D. mail bag? Are you in a writers drought? Is the wife or child sick? Did you fall off the grape soda truck? Are you having a bad fucking hair week? Suck it the fuck up Hero and get on it. It pains me to have to fall back on my "not civilian" tactics and to think that you are utilizing the "God gave me freedom" excuses. But I know where to find you. And Big Brother has yet to take my arsenal. As always, I'm here to help w/ the required motivation.
Legion6T standing by. – Ryan B, Kearsarge, NH

            I guess that means it’s time for a mailbag. As always, these are real or made up questions from real or fake people.

I remember one of the things you were excited about heading into 2012 was “The Dark Knight Rises”. Assuming you’ve seen it already, what do you think? – Davey, Leesburg, VA

            We’ll hit this one in bullet points.

-         Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman, who No Credentials predicted would ruin the movie, was actually the best character in the whole film. Biggest upset of the year.

-         Bane was the only villain they could’ve picked for this final film. Foes like The Riddler or The Penguin would’ve only been lesser versions of Heath Ledger’s Joker. Bane was the only realistic character they could’ve used that would’ve provided a physical threat to Batman. I like how they tied Bane’s back-story with the first movie, adding more depth than he was given in the comics. His voice was a bit out there (Grantland’s Chris Ryan compared it to “a drunk Captain Picard”), but all in all Tom Hardy did a good job with the part.

-         There were a few more plot oversights than the first two. The stock exchange accepting a transaction supposedly done by Bruce Wayne while Bane and his minions attacked the Stock Exchange (cameras couldn’t of proven that Bruce Wayne didn’t do that, no way). Bruce Wayne getting his broken vertebrae fixed by a prison inmate who used rope and a swift punch to the back. Bruce Wayne climbing out of a giant hole in the desert, somehow finding an airplane in India, paying for a ticket that he couldn’t afford because he was bankrupt, and returning to Gotham City within 24 hours of climbing out of said hole. For a series that prided itself on bringing realism to comic-book movies, these plot holes are a little far fetched.

-         All in all, I thought it was good, although I still prefer “The Dark Knight” and “Batman Begins”. It’s fair to say that this movie is the equivalent of “The Return of the Jedi”. It tied up most loose ends, and proved to be an appropriate end to the trilogy.

Will Jerry Jones get himself some glory hole this year? – Mike S., Keene, NH

            Dallas has all the pieces of a championship winning team, which means they’ll end up right around .500 like they usually do. That’s the official party line of a depressed Cowboys fan.

So let’s say the NASCAR season ends, and if the old points system was in place, Dale Earnhardt Jr. would’ve been the champion, but since it’s The Chase format, someone else takes it from him. Will that end the NASCAR playoffs? – Alexis, Round Rock, TX

            I doubt it, but that would probably be the only situation that would threaten the existence of a NASCAR playoff. The problem with that argument would be that if there wasn’t a Chase, wouldn’t teams change the way they plan for races? There’s a lot more gambling for wins now during the “regular” season, and less focus on week-to-week consistency. I doubt that Junior would be the top ranked driver right now if there wasn’t a playoff (I think Jimmie Johnson would be on top). Regardless, the merit of a NASCAR playoff is questionable enough even without the doomsday scenario of Dale Jr. losing a title. The whole point of The Chase was to boost interest during the Fall, but the NFL still crushes NASCAR. I’d do away with it, if only to appeal to old fans that no longer watch due to all of the changes and watering down of the drivers.

Jerry Garcia would’ve been 70 this past Friday. Isn’t that crazy? – The Spaceman, Ft. Lauderdale, FL

            Ya. He looked like he was 102 when he died, so I would’ve thought he’d be much older than 70.

Where’s the No Credentials Olympics Coverage? No talk about Michael Phelps, or Gabby Douglas? Come on man! – Danielle, Montpelier, VT

            I’m going to title the following response…

AN UNPOPULAR OPINION

            I hate the Olympics. I think most of the sports are stupid. People run by my front window all the time, so I don’t give a shit how fast someone can run 200 meters. I can go to my local swimming hole and watch people swim, so I don’t give a shit who the fastest backstroker (if that wasn’t a word, it is now) is. I don’t give a shit if the United States (the country with the most nuclear weapons on Earth) beats Nigeria (#31 in terms of GDP) by 83 points at basketball. Sure Usain Bolt is fast (okay, really fast. He just ran a 9.68 in the 100 meters, which I’m pretty sure is faster than my car could accelerate from a dead stop in 100 meters), but can he run full-speed with football pads on and evade tacklers? My only fond memory of an Olympic event (other than the hockey tournament in the Winter Olympics, which is fantastic) was one of the swimming relay races in 2008, and that was because I was at a bar and heavily intoxicated. I haven’t watched a second of this year’s Olympics, and don’t plan to during the next week.

How long will it take the Celtics to get over Ray Allen taking less money to join the Heat? – Alex, Dorchester, MA

            Doc Rivers and the players might not be over it yet (read Paul Pierce’s take here), but management has already moved on, and fans should too. Let’s review what happened this off-season.

1. Avery Bradley has been promoted to the starting shooting guard role, meaning Ray Allen would’ve been coming off the bench.
2. Jason Terry was signed, meaning Allen would lose even more minutes to him.
3. Only after resigning Kevin Garnett, Brandon Bass, and inking Terry, did Boston make an offer to Ray Allen.

         So essentially, after trimming his probable minutes to nothing more than 20 points per game, Boston throws out whatever money they had left to Allen. I think Danny Ainge knew Ray was going to leave all along. That offer was to ease the backlash from fans and the press. 

Did Jenna Jameson sway your presidential vote? – Ron J., Las Vegas, NV

            No, but I’m hoping Mitt Romney uses her words in a commercial. Here’s the direct quote…

"I'm very looking forward to a Republican being back in office," Jameson said while sipping champagne in a VIP room at Gold Club in the city's South of Market neighborhood. "When you're rich, you want a Republican in office."

            There’s the number one contender in the award for “Best Unintentional Back-Handed Compliment of 2012”.

So the Red Sox stink. What should I do? – Johnny, Lee, MA

            Go outdoors. Spend time with you’re family. Watch movies. You only need to get through another month before football starts, which will truly get this dogshit Red Sox team out of everyone’s mind. I watched Friday night’s game from the third inning on. I understand David Ortiz is hurt, but is Ryan Lavarnway really the best option to hit fifth? Or Cody Ross third? No wonder there are empty seats at Fenway now.

Ok Wrench, let's climb into my roller coaster for this round of M.B. Questions.
I would like the following answered in laymen's terms. I'm not looking for the Google/ Siri / Wikipedia answer. I'm looking for the "Sitting on the Tailgate drinking a cold beer in a sweaty T-Shirt" answer.
The Bullpen,
#1. What is it? Why do Baseball teams have it? Where is it? Could we take a group of kids on a field trip to visit it? Is it a requirement at all Baseball facilities? Is going to the "pen" a disciplinary action, or do people want to go to the "pen"? (as civilians going to the "pen" is often frowned on and not something one would consider a positive activity)
#2. If not covered in #1, why is it called a Bullpen? Is it because it sounds better than say, a Dog or Pig pen?
Please remember the Tailgate and cold beer while answering this seemingly simple multi layered question.
Legion6T standing by. – Ryan B., Kearsarge, NH

            I’m not a huge fan of the “no search engine” format, but at least this question is in my wheelhouse. For whatever reason, “the bullpen” is the name of the place that relief pitchers hang out during games. It’s needed for baseball teams because apparently, they can’t build dugouts big enough for the relief pitchers to sit in with the position players.
            As for why it’s called a bullpen, I have no idea. I guess it’s referring to the pitchers that are in there as bulls, which is funny because most of them are out of shape guys that fart, chew tobacco, and talk about whatever skank they hooked up with during their team’s last west coast trip during games. The name of the pen should refer to something more lazy and lethargic (the fat dog kennel?). Or it should just be called “the bench”, like every other place in sports where players who aren’t in the game are sitting is called.