Bruins-Penguins Eastern Conference Finals Preview and Prediction

            We’re busting out the “tale of the tape” method to determine who will win the right to face the Western Conference winner for the Stanley Cup.

 

Forwards

            Both teams are deep, but when you have the star power that Pittsburgh has, it’s no contest. Figuring out how to slow down both the Crosby and Malkin lines will be Boston’s toughest challenge.

Advantage = Penguins

 

Defenseman

            At first glance, you want to say Boston. They have Zdeno Chara, one of the few defenders on Earth that have a chance of slowing down Sidney Crosby, along with a cast of role players that play solid team defense. However, when you look at the other side, you have Kris Letang, arguably the top offensive defenseman in the game. If I were guaranteed that Wade Redden and Andrew Ference would be 100% for this series, it would be advantage Boston. With that not being the case, we’ll call it a draw.

Advantage = Push

Goaltending

            Tuuka Rask isn’t the second coming of Patrick Roy (his Game 4 against New York was so atrocious it had some New Englanders asking if Tim Thomas was available), but Pittsburgh’s goaltending is the Achilles heal of the team. Longtime starter Marc-Andre Fleury was benched after a lackluster performance in round 1 against the Islanders. While Tomas Vokoun has been solid in net since replacing him, one would have to wonder how long of a leash he has if the Bruins light him up in the first few games of the series.

Advantage = Bruins

Special Teams

            Barring a goalie collapse, here’s where the series gets decided. Pittsburgh was the second ranked team on the power play during the regular season, but only five other teams were worse than them at killing penalties. Boston was the fourth best team on the penalty kill, but only four teams were worse than them at scoring power play goals. The Bruins would be best served avoiding the penalty box, as Pittsburgh has already netted 13 power play goals in 11 playoff games. To put things in perspective, Brad Marchand leads the Bruins with 3 power play assists. Pittsburgh has five players who have at least three assists, with the Letang/Malkin/Crosby trio netting 7-6-5. When you trot sharpshooters like Jarome Iginla, James Neal, and Chris Kunitz around the quality of playmakers the Penguins have, it makes for a deadly attack.

Advantage = Penguins

Coaching

            I’m taking Claude “The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman” Julien over any coach not named Mike Babcock in the NHL. I love that guy.

Advantage = Bruins

Home Crowd

            Two great hockey towns here, but if I have to nitpick, I don’t like that all too often the Penguins go with the “white out” and dress all their fans in white t-shirts. That and the stirring rendition of the National Anthem just a day after the Boston Marathon bombing earns the Bruins an uncontested win in this category for the next three years against any city not named Toronto.

Advantage = Bruins

Local Announcers

            Jack Edwards is a fucking idiot, and an embarrassment to the city of Boston.

Advantage = Penguins

Prediction
            Boston is going to beat and batter the Penguins, but there’s just too much talent on the other side. Look for Pittsburgh’s juggernaut power play to be the difference in this series.
 
Penguins in 7 over Bruins

Half-Baked 2013 NHL Season Preview

            Against all odds, the NHL season is starting in less than 48 hours. No Credentials thought it had written an accurate season preview last Halloween, but alas games will actually be played. In honor of the NHL teams spending roughly 35 seconds preparing for the season, No Credentials spent no time researching anything for the following preview (short of participating in one fantasy draft last Sunday).

Any Team Can Win The Stanley Cup

            Hockey is a fucked up sport. Cramming a 48 regular season into three months is ludicrous. It won’t take much of a hot streak for any club to sneak into the playoffs and make a Kings-esque run through the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

Except the Columbus Blue Jackets

            They suck.

Fear The Russians

            Chill out baby-boomers, we’re not talking about the Cold War. The majority of Russians played in the KHL, which should alleviate any rust. However, when the NHL regular season ends, Evgeni Malkin will have played 91 games (assuming he’s healthy), which is nine more than the typical NHL regular season. Don’t be shocked if the Russian players fade come playoff time.

Tim Thomas Will Not Be Missed

               Last time I remember seeing the Bruins on the ice, the Capitals were upsetting them in the first round. Tukka Rask will at least deliver a playoff appearance.

Sidney Crosby Will Not Have A Head Injury

            The best benefit of the lockout? There are 34 fewer games for Sidney Crosby to get a concussion in.

The Red Wings Will Be Weird To Watch Without Niklas Lidstrom

            Lidstrom wasn’t the flashiest player, but he was the most reliable defenseman in the league for the past 20 years. He will not be easily replaced.

Don’t Buy Stock In The Minnesota Wild

            I had the Wild pegged as a bust before the season, but then inexplicably drafted both of their goalies, Gary Suter, and Mikka Koivu in the No Credentials Fantasy Hockey League.

We’ll Pick Pittsburgh To Win The East

            A full year of a healthy Crosby and Malkin make Pittsburgh the most talented team in the East.

We’ll Pick St. Louis To Win The West

            While St. Louis lacks a bona-fide superstar, they go three lines deep, and have the strongest defense in the league. Depth works when you’re in a compressed season.

Screw It, We’ll Pick The Blues To Hoist The Stanley Cup

            Remember, it’s going to be a messed up season.

The Greatest Fantasy Hockey Team That Probably Won't Win a Championship

            I’ve never publicly declared that one of my fantasy teams is vastly superior to the other squads in the league. Believe it or not, I’m usually not pompous enough to do that. I wanted to make a Namath-esque guaruantee with my baseball keeper league team last season, but didn’t want to jinx it. However, one of my two hockey teams this year is loaded enough to handle the pressure of a No Credentials guaruantee.
            My club is in a 10-team head-to-head re-draft league (spit that out three times) that I’ve been participating in since the 2007-08 season. Because I was 21 at the time, I decided it would be fitting to name my team Dogfight. This was right when the Vick scandal was huge, and I was also fixated on making a team name that didn’t end with an “s”. My first team won the title (thanks to an infamous “drunk Joe Thornton trade” that maybe someday I’ll share with the public, assuming I can get permission from the person I made the trade with), so it’s been named Dogfight ever since.
             This year’s edition is the most loaded hockey team I’ve ever assembled. To have a team worthy of making a “unless something really fucked up happens, my team should win” type claim, I have one simple requirement… If you plugged your fantasy roster into the newest video game for whatever sport you’re playing, would your team be so dominant that friends would ban you from using it in games? The following breakdown of my team will make the case that Dogfight is such a team.

Line 1

LW = James Neal, Penguins (Season Rank 2, Average Game Rank 3), drafted in the fourteenth round
C = Steven Stamkos, Lightning (Season Rank 12, Average Game Rank 11), acquired via trade
RW = Evgeni Malkin, Penguins (Season Rank 1, Average Game Rank 2), drafted in the second round
            Malkin was tabbed to be the team captain before the season, and has been everything Dogfight could’ve asked for. However, he’s too busy making fun of Sidney Crosby to make inspiring team speeches.
            “College freshmen have bounced my skull off of headboards harder than that hit Crosby took in the Winter Classic last year,” Malkin says of his real-life teammate, “What a pussy.”
            James Neal isn’t more talented than any of the players on the next two lines, but his chemistry with Malkin is what has vaulted him to the number 2 ranking in Yahoo fantasy. Stamkos is my prized mid-season acquisition. Dogfight gave up four dudes to get him (including the breakout performer of the year, Maple Leafs winger Joffrey Lupul), but Stamkos knack for tickling the twine was well worth the cost of acquiring him.

Line 2

LW = Taylor Hall, Oilers (Season Rank 80, Average Game Rank 31), drafted in the tenth round
C = Henrik Sedin, Canucks (Season Rank 19, Average Game Rank 30), acquired via trade
RW = Marian Gaborik, Rangers (Season Rank 31, Average Game Rank 35), acquired via trade
            It would be more accurate to call this group “Line 1B”. Henrik Sedin is the ultimate facilitator, and an elite goal scorer like Gaborik was built to play with him. I think I offered Hall in 20 different trades, but fortunately for me no one else in my league realizes how good he is.

Line 3

LW = Dany Heatley, Wild (Season Rank 72, Average Game Rank 102), drafted in the sixth round
C = Patrick Marleau, Sharks (Season Rank 50, Average Game Rank 44), drafted in the fourth round
RW = Kris Versteeg, Panthers (Season Rank 30, Average Game Rank 34), picked up off the waiver wire
            Line 3 is the wildcard unit of this team. All three guys are capable of getting red-hot and carrying the team for five game stretches. They are also all equally capable of falling into ten-game slumps. In a video game, they’d run roughshod over opposing team’s third lines. 

Line 4

LW = David Perron, Blues (Season Rank 435, Average Game Rank 134), acquired via trade
C = Adam Henrique, Devils (Season Rank 178, Average Game Rank 177), picked up off the waiver wire
RW = Danny Cleary, Red Wings (Season Rank 163, Average Game Rank 210), picked up off the waiver wire
            These guys don’t do much, other than making sure Evgeni Malkin has enough condoms for the team’s west coast trips.

Defenseman

Duncan Keith, Blackhawks (Season Rank 109, Average Game Rank 145), drafted in the seventh round
Brent Burns, Sharks (Season Rank 173, Average Game Rank 174), drafted in the ninth round
Tobias Enstrom, Jets (Season Rank 404, Average Game Rank 185), picked up off the waiver wire  
Mark Streit, Islanders (Season Rank 311, Average Game Rank 191), acquired via trade
            The blue-line is admittedly the weak link of Dogfight, but with the top three lines possessing the puck most of the game, who needs defense anyway?

The Goalies

Henrik Lundqvist, Rangers (Season Rank 4), drafted in the first round
Jimmy Howard, Red Wings (Season Rank 8), drafted in the fifth round
            Shoddy defense is all right when you have these two guys in net. I’ve never gone with just two goalies in fantasy hockey (I’m typically a quantity over quality kind of guy, at least in terms of my fantasy goalies), but in a league where you only need three starts per week, rolling with two isn’t a bad plan. It doesn’t hurt that I ended up with two of the top-3 net minders in terms of Yahoo rank. I punt saves almost every week, but am still rock solid with the other four categories.

The IR Spot Guy

Sidney Crosby, Penguins
            Ever since Angels infielder Howie Kendrick spent the majority of the 2008 season hogging up the DL spot on my championship winning team, I’ve always made sure to keep one crippled guy on my roster. Sidney Crosby just got dropped in this league, so he seemed like an upgrade from Andrei Markov.

            So there you have it. My team is built to destroy. I can’t wait to find out how it will somehow finish in fourth place.