7:45pm = We are coming to you live from my living room. For those of you that have never read Bill Simmons' columns on ESPN, this running diary is a shameless rip-off of him. Fortunately, he can't sue me because I don't generate any income with this blog.
Tonight, myself and fellow No Credentials analyst Charlie Sheen will be analyzing each selection of the NFL Draft. Also, since the draft is boring, we'll be flicking around between three NBA Game 6s and the first game of the Canucks-Predators series. Anything Charlie writes will be in italics.
It's great to be here. Ever since my goddesse's ditched me I have way more free time. Now instead of supplying enough cocaine for three people, I only need to get enough to support myself. Life is good. Winning.
7:50pm = I've got the Magic-Hawks on right now before the draft starts at 8pm. Both teams are competing valiantly for the right to get slaughtered by the Bulls in round 2.
7:53pm = Remember watching Joe Morgan on Sunday Night Baseball, when for the past decade he would claim that home run totals were up due to players "working out more", and never acknowledging that any of the players took steroids? I'm expecting a similar performance from Chris Berman tonight in regards to the NFL labor woes.
7:56pm = Cam Newton's dad looks like me just before I'm about to bang a 8-gram rock.
7:57pm = On the ESPN main stage, we have Chris Berman hosting, with Jon Gruden, Mel Kiper, and Mel Kiper's hair joining him. Berman just shocked me by actually mentioning the lockout. Big ups to him.
7:58pm = 14-12 Hawks with 5 minutes left in the first quarter. Of all the first round series in both the NBA and NHL, this is the only series that was completly unwatchable.
7:59pm = First alley-oop of the series for Dwight Howard. He still looks like he hates everyone of his teammates though.
8:00pm = Cam Newton is on his cell phone. No word if he is finalizing his last payment from Auburn or setting up his plane trip to Carolina.
8:03pm = Newton is hugging his family before the pick is announced. This shouldn't be allowed.
8:04pm = Roger Goodell is loudly booed by the fans in attendance at the draft. Good times.
8:05pm = Carolina Panthers select Auburn quarterback Cam Newton with the first pick. His ceiling is Ben Roethlisberger (minus the luring underage girls into a bathroom hopefully). His floor is JaMarcus Russell.
Say what you want about Newton earning more money at Auburn than I did filming an episode of "Two and a Half Men", but the guy has Adonis DNA. He's got the tiger blood. Love this pick. He's a rockstar.
8:08pm = "He's overrated" - my fiancee on Cam Newton.
8:11pm = Jon Gruden just ran through 14 things that Cam Newton needs to work on to be an effective NFL QB. Panthers fans everywhere threw up in their mouths.
8:13pm = Texas A&M linebacker Von Miller goes to Denver with the 2nd pick. He's probably among the five safest picks in this draft.
I didn't like to see him cry there. Winners don't cry. Jon Cryer cries. Hell, the first three letters of his last name spell cry.
8:18pm = Flipped over to TNT to check out Lakers-Hornets for a bit. Solid acting job by Derek Fisher to draw offensive foul on Chris Paul.
8:20pm = After screwing up last years 1st round pick, Buffalo makes amends by grabbing Alabama DT Marcell Dareus. Apparently know when told him he's going to Buffalo, because he's smiling way to much.
8:24pm = The Bengals draft WR A.J. Green out of Georgia. I hate when bad teams grab skill position players. What good does a wideout do when you can't block or play defense?
That's similar to this theory...what good is a porn star without Charlie Sheen to have sex with her?
8:30pm = Everyone was expecting a trade at the 5th spot, but Arizona stays put and grabs LSU CB Patrick Peterson. This guy looks like he will be a shut-down cornerback for the next decade. Arizona made the right move staying put, and not drafting a quarterback.
8:33pm = "This guy better be a shutdown corner with the 5th pick in the draft" - I'm glad we flew Jon Gruden in for expert analysis tonight.
8:34pm = Atlanta makes an aggressive move and trades for the 6th pick from Cleveland. It looks like Julio Jones is going to the Falcons.
8:36pm = ESPN shows a montage narrated by Jon Gruden of Julio Jones dropping passes. I'm enjoying ESPN's decision to antagonize fanbases this evening.
8:37pm = Alabama WR Julio Jones is officially announced as the 6th pick by the Atlanta Falcons. Atlanta gave up five picks (2011 1st, 2nd, and 4th, along with 2012 1st and 4th) for the right to move up 21 spots in the first round.
At first glance, that is an insane amount of picks to give up for a rookie wide out. Perhaps adding another weapon alongside Roddy White will make the Falcons a dynamite offense, but they better hope their roster is solid for the next two seasons to withstand losing four draft picks.
On the flipside, a great move by Cleveland. As mentioned earliar with Cincinnati, I hate when bad teams grab wide receivers and runningbacks with top 10 picks. It didn't make much sense for Cleveland to add a receiver when they have tons of holes on defense. Grabbing four extra players will prove much more beneficial than adding one wide receiver.
I tried to trade Denise Richards one night for a bottle of vodka, a Volkswagen Bug, and Chuck Norris.
8:42pm = San Francisco passes up Missouri quarterback Blaine Gabbert for Missouri DE Aldon Smith. This is a good move to shore up a solid defense.
8:45pm = The first "WOW!" of the night. Tennessee goes way off the board and takes Washington QB Jake Locker. I think we can safely say that the Vince Young era is over. Mel Kiper is killing Locker for his completion percentage. Gruden is arguing saying that the percentage was due to poor talent around him. Chris Berman just compared him to Brett Favre (first Favre mention of the night). Needless to say, craziness ensued when Locker was taken. It's fun in any draft (real-life or fantasy) when a team or individual makes the first pick that makes absoleutly no sense.
The lone defense of this pick is the comparison to Favre. Favre started four years for Southern Mississippi in college, barely completed half of his passes, and went on to become the greatest quarterback in NFL history who ever texted a picture of his penis to a fellow team employee.
8:52pm = Blaine Gabbert looks like someone just punched him in the face.
8:54pm = My Dallas Cowboys take Tackle Tyron Smith from USC. This is the first time the Cowboys have taken an offensive lineman in the Jerry Jones era. I wish we traded down, but am happy we addressed the offensive line. And no, I won't apoligize for saying "we".
8:58pm = Wasn't Nick Fairley the projected #1 pick three months ago? Can someone explain to me why he is still on the board?
9:00pm = Washington trades down from #10, sending the 10th pick to Jacksonville.
9:01pm = "What is that, a hockey player?" - my fiancee on Blaine Gabbert, who looks like he is about to be taken by Jacksonville.
9:02pm = Gabbert (out of Missouri) is officially chosen by Jacksonville. I read the other day on ESPN.com that apparently Gabbert has a "great memory". In other words, he's the anti-me. I can't remember anything.
Of all the quarterback picks so far, this makes the most sense. Gabbert can sit on the bench for a year or two behind Garrard and develop. Still waiting to see the official package that they shipped to Washington.
Can I sign Suzy Kolber up as one of my new goddesses? What a saucy babe.
9:07pm = Just found out Jacksonville is playing twice on Monday Night Football this year. Can someone tell me why?
9:08pm = Houston grabs J.J. Watt out of Wisconsin. It made sense for the Texans to find a pass rusher. He's a great compliment to Mario Williams.
9:11pm = They just showed Nick Fairley in the green room. I wasn't sure why he was still sitting on the board, but now I'm thinking his outfit might have something to do with it.
Forget the fat guy, I want to talk about St. John's recruiting God's Gift. If he's not winning, than what chance do we have?
9:14pm = Minnesota just made quite possibly the worst first round pick in the last five years by taking Florida State QB Christian Ponder. Mel Kiper just compared him to Chad Pennington. That's right, the same Chad Pennington with a noodle arm. Yikes.
9:21pm = Detroit just formed the best young 1-2 punch in the middle with DT Nick Fairley from Auburn. Good luck running up the middle against him and last years defensive rookie of the year Ndamouka Suh. The steal of the draft. I don't even care what happens for the rest of it.
9:26pm = It's funny that the worst pick of the draft was followed up by the best one. We'll remember this day when Detroit is a much better football team in three years than Minnesota.
9:29pm = St. Louis takes North Carolina DE Robert Quinn. Quinn was suspended last year because of NCAA violations, but he was a monster when he played in 2009. Quinn is a top-5 talent that the Rams grabbed at 14.
9:34pm = It looks like the Lakers and Hawks are taking care of business. Lakers up by 8 in the 3rd, Hawks up by 10 in the 4th.
9:35pm = Miami avoids the temptation to grab a quarterback or runningback by snagging Florida C Mike Pouncey. Mike is the twin brother of Maurkice Pouncey, who was a Pro Bowler for the Steelers last year. Great selection by Miami.
9:39pm = Either I missed what Jacksonville traded to Washington or ESPN neglected to mention it, but Washington is now on the clock at 16. I'm secretly pulling for them to take the red-headed quarterback (because I think he is going to suck).
I could make numerous inappropriate jokes about red-heads sucking...but I'll just stick to winning and digress.
9:42pm = It looks like Washington actually made a good decision (they must've locked Daniel Snyder out of the war room) and picked Purdue DE Ryan Kerrigan.
9:48pm = New England uses the first of their 67 draft picks on Colorado tackle Nate Solder. Kiper isn't crazy about this pick, but one should never bet against The Hoodie.
Did someone say "The Hoodie"? Sweet, I think my eight ball is here.
9:53pm = Chris Berman just spoke passionately about improving the Chargers defense. Not sure why he's so invested in their success, but it was an enjoyable speech.
9:56pm = Apparently Roger Goodell was taking a bathroom pick, because Illinois DT Cory Liuget had to wait an extra five minutes for the commish to annouce his selection by the San Diego Chargers.
9:57pm = Now is as good a time as any to make fun of the fans sitting in the crowd at Radio City Music Hall (the site of the draft). Assumming that these people paid money to attend this event, they are all morons. Let's think about what you're watching. Big dudes in suits walking on to a stage and taking pictures. That's it.
10:02pm = Giants grab top ten talent Prince Amukamara, a cornerback out of Nebraska. If Dallas took him at nine I wouldn't of complained. Solid pick by the Giants.
10:06pm = Lakers are hammering New Orleans by 16 with 7 and a half minutes to play.
10:20pm = I had to miss the last few minutes because my 10-month old son woke up and I had to rock him to sleep for a little bit. If for even a second I'm annoyed by this scenario, I always remind myself that in fourteen years he'll want nothing to do with me.
10:22pm = Here's what I missed...
#20 - Adrian Clayborn, DE, Iowa
#21 - Phil Taylor, DT, Baylor
What's with all the fat dudes? When are we drafting Mila Kunis?
10:26pm = Colts make a solid pick with Boston College OT Anthony Castonzo. They needed to find some form of youth to block for Peyton Manning. Castonzo fits the bill.
10:31pm = Apparently, the Eagles are drafting the entire New York Fire Department. At least they milked a "USA" chant out of the idiots in the audience.
The odd chant reminds me of the Black Friday NASCAR race I wrote about in my NASCAR preview blog. Brad Whitford from Aerosmith was the Grand Marshal (which means he got to say "GENTLEMAN START YOUR ENGINES!"). Anyways, before the festivities started, Whitford got on the microphone and asked the crowd to get a "USA" chant going for the drivers. The fans in the crowd (who were freezing) didn't even make a peep. After an awkward silence, Whitford said, "No...okay," and then got off the mic. I promise it was much funnier if you were actually there. You're just going to have to trust me.
10:34pm = After the awkward tribute to the firemen, it was finally announced that the Eagles select Baylor guard Danny Watkins. I have nothing to say about him other than I like his pink shirt.
10:39pm = Jon Gruden is begging someone to draft Da'Quan Bowers. Maybe he will get a commission.
10:42pm = New Orleans snags California DE Cameron Jordan. Jordan is obviously destined for stardom because he shares the same first name as me. Kiper's Hair loves this pick.
10:44pm = I'm still trying to figure out how the Atlanta Hawks beat Orlando. I know the Magic are a one-man gang, but it's the fricken Hawks. They never beat anybody. We can start debating where Dwight Howard will end up right now.
10:47pm = Adam Schefter is reporting that Seattle is attempting to move back in the draft. No word yet on whether or not Chris Mortensen wants to push Schefter off of the balcony.
10:51pm = Unable to make a trade, Seattle selects Alabama guard James Carpenter. Solid pick at this point in the first round.
10:57pm = We just had our annual Drew Rosenhaus sighting during the NFL Draft. I love that guy. He could sell Jesus to Osama Bin Laden.
11:00pm = Apparently Baltimore couldn't figure out what to do, because somehow they ran out of time. I can't figure out how this is possible. This means that Kansas City jumps up to #26, with Baltimore falling back to #27. This wasn't quite as bad as Minnesota wasting 15 minutes a few years back and then grabbing Bryant McKinnie with the 8th pick instead of the 7th (which resulted in a long hold out from McKinnie because he felt he should've been paid as much money as the 7th player in the draft).
11:04pm = Kansas City takes WR Jon Baldwin (out of Pittsburgh) with the 26th pick. Baltimore fans everywhere are very confused.
11:05pm = Baltimore finally gets to choose a player and grabs Colorado CB Jimmy Smith. Apparently Baltimore had a trade in place with Chicago that fell through (which is why they ran out of time), but in the end they up with a player who will help them.
11:09pm = In typical form, New England trades away the 28th pick to New Orleans. Looks like the Saints are taking Mark Ingram.
11:13pm = New Orleans traded this years 2nd round pick and next year's 1st to New England for the rights to acquire Mark Ingram. Other than New England or Indianapolis, I don't think Ingram could've ended up in a better situation.
If I'm a Patriots fan, I have to be shaking my head. Stockpiling picks is great and all, but don't you have to use them eventually?
11:16pm = As a die-hard Cowboys fan, I firmly disagree with Mel Kiper comparing Mark Ingram to Emmitt Smith.
11:20pm = Chicago makes a solid selection with Wisconsion OT Gabe Carimi. They need someone to block for Jay Cutler.
11:22pm = We better hammer through these last three picks. I'm starting to fall asleep in my chair.
Instead of watching this stupid draft, we should've invited Tera Patrick, Savana Samson, and Sasha Grey over. Talk about some winning.
11:24pm = The annual footage of dumbass Jets fans just woke me up a little bit. The Jets grabbed Muhammad Wilkerson, a DT out of Temple. A very good depth pick for them. He won't need to contribute right away, but within a year or two he could be a force.
11:27pm = Pittsburgh selects DE Cameron Heyward out of Ohio State. If nothing else, he'll be able to help his teammates find a great place to get a cheap tatoo.
11:35pm = Green Bay mercifully ends the 1st round by taking Mississippi St. OT Derek Sherrod.
With that, we are signing off. Sheen wandered into my basement and passed out on my washing machine, so unfortunately we'll get no closing thoughts from him. Look for more running diarys in the near future. Good night, and drive on.
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