Bruins-Penguins Eastern Conference Finals Preview and Prediction

            We’re busting out the “tale of the tape” method to determine who will win the right to face the Western Conference winner for the Stanley Cup.

 

Forwards

            Both teams are deep, but when you have the star power that Pittsburgh has, it’s no contest. Figuring out how to slow down both the Crosby and Malkin lines will be Boston’s toughest challenge.

Advantage = Penguins

 

Defenseman

            At first glance, you want to say Boston. They have Zdeno Chara, one of the few defenders on Earth that have a chance of slowing down Sidney Crosby, along with a cast of role players that play solid team defense. However, when you look at the other side, you have Kris Letang, arguably the top offensive defenseman in the game. If I were guaranteed that Wade Redden and Andrew Ference would be 100% for this series, it would be advantage Boston. With that not being the case, we’ll call it a draw.

Advantage = Push

Goaltending

            Tuuka Rask isn’t the second coming of Patrick Roy (his Game 4 against New York was so atrocious it had some New Englanders asking if Tim Thomas was available), but Pittsburgh’s goaltending is the Achilles heal of the team. Longtime starter Marc-Andre Fleury was benched after a lackluster performance in round 1 against the Islanders. While Tomas Vokoun has been solid in net since replacing him, one would have to wonder how long of a leash he has if the Bruins light him up in the first few games of the series.

Advantage = Bruins

Special Teams

            Barring a goalie collapse, here’s where the series gets decided. Pittsburgh was the second ranked team on the power play during the regular season, but only five other teams were worse than them at killing penalties. Boston was the fourth best team on the penalty kill, but only four teams were worse than them at scoring power play goals. The Bruins would be best served avoiding the penalty box, as Pittsburgh has already netted 13 power play goals in 11 playoff games. To put things in perspective, Brad Marchand leads the Bruins with 3 power play assists. Pittsburgh has five players who have at least three assists, with the Letang/Malkin/Crosby trio netting 7-6-5. When you trot sharpshooters like Jarome Iginla, James Neal, and Chris Kunitz around the quality of playmakers the Penguins have, it makes for a deadly attack.

Advantage = Penguins

Coaching

            I’m taking Claude “The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman” Julien over any coach not named Mike Babcock in the NHL. I love that guy.

Advantage = Bruins

Home Crowd

            Two great hockey towns here, but if I have to nitpick, I don’t like that all too often the Penguins go with the “white out” and dress all their fans in white t-shirts. That and the stirring rendition of the National Anthem just a day after the Boston Marathon bombing earns the Bruins an uncontested win in this category for the next three years against any city not named Toronto.

Advantage = Bruins

Local Announcers

            Jack Edwards is a fucking idiot, and an embarrassment to the city of Boston.

Advantage = Penguins

Prediction
            Boston is going to beat and batter the Penguins, but there’s just too much talent on the other side. Look for Pittsburgh’s juggernaut power play to be the difference in this series.
 
Penguins in 7 over Bruins

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Weekend (5/24-5/26)

10. FOX Camera Wire Snaps, Injuring Fans, Damaging Cars, and Delaying Race
            No word yet on who is to blame for the malfunction, but I have a feeling FOX will claim it has something to do with liberals.

9. Cain Velasquez Destroys Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva

            Using my betting strategy from the Kentucky Derby, there is no way I would pick a dude nicknamed “Bigfoot” to win a championship fight.

8. Nico Rosberg Wins Monaco GP

            I caught the last 18 laps of this one (kudos to NBC for broadcasting it live, a first for network television in the United States), and came way thinking that it would be really cool to hang out in Monaco.

7. Anibal Sanchez Comes Up 2 Outs Short of Second Career No-Hitter
            The Twins trotted out four players with batting averages that were .212 or worse Friday night. Reason number 93,481 why we need to get MLB hitters back on the juice.

6. Bayern Munich Wins the Champions League Final

            I have nothing in the form of substantial analysis to offer on this event, but here are my takeaways.

a.       This is the second week in a row a soccer championship has been won, and made the weekly top 10.

b.      Bayern Munich will play for another championship next week.

c.       It was pretty cool that two German clubs were playing for the title in an English stadium. Sehr gut!

 

      d.  Someone needs to message me and explain why there are 5,254,192 soccer trophies.

           

 

5. Penguins Beat the Piss Out of Ottawa, Advance to Eastern Conference Finals
4. Bruins Finish Off Rangers
            Finally, Boston gets to exact revenge for what Ulf Samuelsson did to Cam Neely in the 1991 Conference Finals.

            Crosby and Malkin better have their heads on a swivel.

3. Pacers Hang on For Game 2 Win in Miami
            Indiana’s triumph in Miami would’ve been #1 if Miami didn’t beat the living shit out of them Sunday night. It was fun for 48 hours when people thought there was actually a chance the Heat wouldn’t make the finals.

2. Kevin Harvick Steals Another Crown Jewel Event, Wins Coca-Cola 600

            I think I ranked Harvick in the low teens in my pre-season NASCAR column. With his second win of the year (virtually assuring him a spot in the playoffs), he’s quickly added that to the long list of poor No Credentials predictions.

1. Tony Kanaan Finally Wins the Indianapolis 500

            While not as noteworthy as the failures of the Andretti family over the years at Indy (they are 1 for 69 as a family, which is remarkable when you consider that Mario and Michael were two of the greatest Indy Car drivers of all time), Tony Kanaan has been snake-bit at the Brickyard for the last decade, routinely having a fast car, but being unable to reach victory lane. A perfectly timed pass before a caution assured him of finally breaking through.


           This post concludes another riveting season of weekend reviews. Check No Credentials all summer long for thoughts on the NBA Finals, the Stanley Cup Finals, MLB, and the NFL team previews. The weekend review will return to recap Week 1 of the NFL season in September.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Weekend (5/17-5/19)

10. Atletico Madrid Stuns Real Madrid to Win One of 683 Soccer Trophies Given Out Every Year
            Anything involving pretty-boy Cristiano Ronaldo getting thrown out of a game while his team loses, I’m down with.

9. Bob Burnquist Wins 24^th X Games Medal

            Burnquist was one of the top skaters back in the early days of the Tony Hawk video games, so how he’s still getting it done all these years later, I have no idea.

8.  San Jose Scores Season-Saving Overtime Win Over Kings

            Going down 3-0 to the defending Stanley Cup winners wouldn’t of been a recipe for success. Still think L.A. will take care of business though.

7. Miguel Cabrera Posts a 3-Dinger Game
            About the only way someone will make this list during the last sporting event of the weekend (NFL season not included) is hitting three home runs in one game. I’m sick of pitchers flirting with perfect games, so that wouldn’t even cut it anymore.

6. Jimmie Johnson Wins Another All-Star Race

            By all accounts this event was virtually unwatchable, but it serves as an excuse to link to one of No Credentials favorite video clips, the end of the 1992 Winston.

5. Orb Finishes Fourth in the Preakness
            The perils of being pinned to the rail.

4. Sidney Crosby’s Hat Trick Leads Penguins to 2-0 Series Lead Over Ottawa

3. Facing 3-0 Hole, Ottawa Rallies to Win Game 3 in Double Overtime
            Crosby was brilliant on Friday, but it was the goalie’s turn to shine in Game 3.

2. Boston Beats the Hell Out of the Rangers, Take 2-0 Lead

            No Credentials is looking forward to the inevitable confrontation between the Bruins and Penguins.

1. Pacers Eliminate Knicks

            There’s some measure of irony that New York City’s greatest high school player was responsible fore the end of the 2012-13 Knicks.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Weekend (5/10-5/12)

10. Grizzlies Grind Out Game 3 Win Over Thunder
9. Knicks Can’t Shoot in Indiana
            ESPN and ABC should’ve billed this doubleheader on Saturday as “games so atrocious you’ll almost wish you were watching college basketball”. New York needs to ditch iso-ball in order to turn their series around, while there is a little too much Reggie Jackson involved (which wasn’t a bad thing for the Athletics and Yankees during the 1970s) for Oklahoma City to have a prayer of advancing past Memphis.

8. Brooks Orpik Grips and Rips the Penguins Into Round 2

            Orpik picked a great time to net his first goal of 2013.

7. Jon Lester One-Hits the Blue Jays.
6. Shelby Miller One Hits the Rockies
5. Adam Wainwright Carries No Hitter Into the 8^th
            Here are three more reasons why MLB hitters need to get back on the juice. Honorable mention goes out to Chris Sale, who tossed a one-hitter Sunday night after this post was written. Just for grins and giggles, every time we post about multiple no-hit bids in a single weekend, I’ll list some home run totals from the steroids era (you know, when baseball was tons of fun). Here’s everyone that hit 30+ dingers in 1996.

1: Mark McGwire (52)
2: Brady Anderson (50)
3: Ken Griffey (49)
4: Albert Belle (48)
5: Juan Gonzalez (47)
6: Andres Galarraga (47)
7: Mo Vaughn (44)
8: Jay Buhner (44)
9: Barry Bonds (42)
10: Gary Sheffield (42)
11: Todd Hundley (41)
12: Greg Vaughn (41)
13: Ellis Burks (40)
14: Ken Caminiti (40)
15: Vinny Castilla (40)
16: Frank Thomas (40)
17: Sammy Sosa (40)
18: Cecil Fielder (39)
19: Rafael Palmeiro (39)
20: Jim Thome (38)
21: Dean Palmer (38)
22: Alex Rodriguez (36)
23: Geronimo Berroa (36)
24: Mike Piazza (36)
25: Henry Rodriguez (36)
26: Ed Sprague (36)
27: Terry Steinbach (35)
28: Robin Ventura (34)
29: Eric Karros (34)
30: Ryan Klesko (34)
31: John Jaha (34)
32: Barry Larkin (33)
33: Manny Ramirez (33)
34: Dante Bichette (31)
35: Jeff Bagwell (31)
36: Joe Carter (30)
37: Steve Finley (30)
38: Benito Santiago (30)
39: Jeff King (30)
40: Chipper Jones (30)
41: Bernard Gilkey (30)
42: Ron Gant (30)
43: Tim Salmon (30)
 

4. Kyle Busch’s Car Gets Tight, Matt Kenseth Steals a Darlington Victory

            Kenseth hasn’t won at a rate like this since the year before his championship-winning season in 2003.

3. Tiger Woods Shows Sergio Garcia Who’s Boss, Wins Players Championship
            Was there any doubt that Sergio would choke on the 17^th hole?

2. Maple Leafs Come Back From 3-1 Series Deficit, Defeat Bruins

            Boston looks like they could use the benefit of a reverse jinx right now.

1. Down Late, Golden State Rallies to Even Series Against San Antonio

            Win or lose, there isn’t a more entertaining team in all of sports right now than the Golden State Warriors.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Weekend (5/3-5/5)

10. Hanley Ramirez Lands on the DL…Again
            I hope his fantasy owners enjoyed the 11 at-bats they got out of him, because that’s probably all they’ll get until June.

9. Regan Smith Makes Daring Move to Win Nationwide at Talladega

            I’d bitch about NASCAR making the Nationwide guys drive in the dark, but they crash so much anyway I don’t think the extra light really matters.

8. Thunder Put Away Pesky Rockets

7. Knicks End an Era in Boston
            Those 48 hours when everyone was pumped about an NBA team coming back from a 3-0 deficit for the first time were pretty fun.

6. Grizzlies Eliminate Coaching-Deficient Clippers

            Assuming Chris Paul doesn’t sign with another team, losing in the first round and getting to can Vinny Del Negro will probably be the best thing that could’ve happened to the Clippers.

5. Penguins Win Wild Game 3 in Overtime
            You have to give the plucky Islanders credit for giving Pittsburgh a fight in Games 2 and 3, but expect the Penguins to win the next two.

4. Thunder Hold Off Grizzlies For Game 1 Win

            Is it possible that it took the Thunder a couple of games to recalibrate their offense without Russell Westbrook? If they hold serve in Game 2, you can book the Thunder for a date with the Spurs in the Conference Finals.

3. David Ragan Scores Improbable Victory at Talladega
            NASCAR was bailed out for some horrendous decision making (namely, restarting the race after 90% of the crowd had gone home, forcing the cars to run in the dark at 200 mph) by Front Row Motorsports miraculous march through the field on the final lap.

2. Pacers Steal Game 1 at Madison Square Garden

            Indiana is one of the few teams in the NBA that can make the Knicks pay for playing Carmelo Anthony at the four.

1. Orb Wins a Muddy Kentucky Derby

            I’d like to thank Normandy Invasion for giving No Credentials a solid ten seconds where we thought we’d actually make money.

                         

1000% Informed Kentucky Derby Pick

            Last year, I wrote a Kentucky Derby preview mostly as a means to make fun of the dumb names given to the horses, and partially because I’m a gambling degenerate who needed to cross betting on the Kentucky Derby off of my bucket list. What happened a year ago would go down in the books as one of the top five gambling moments of my life.

 

            Miraculously, No Credentials netted $240 off of a race I knew nothing about. Looking to catch lightning in a bottle for the second time, we’re offering up our second annual Kentucky Derby ranking of all the horses. Here’s our 100% successful method of choosing the winning horse.

1.                      The horse has to have a cool name. Kind of like pro athletes and actors, if the horse doesn’t have a name, he doesn’t have a game.

2.                      I want some good odds. Most experts agree that it’s a wide-open field again, so I’d rather take a chance at a greater payday than go for the favorite. For example, a $20 bet on Orb will net you $70, while a $20 bet on Frac Daddy would net you $1000.

3.                      If a horse covers the first two bases, I needed to find at least one writer on-line who thought that horse could win.

Without further ado, here are our rankings of the 2013 field.

20. Charming Kitten (20-1)

            A name like this happens when parents let their spoiled twat of a daughter name the poor horse.

19. Itsmyluckyday (15-1)

            We researched this last year, and we’ll say it again. No horse with four words in its name has ever won the Kentucky Derby. Not even putting all four words together will trick the horse racing gods.

18. Lines of Battle (30-1)

            Lines of Battle sounds like the name of a Tom Clancy novel. I hate Tom Clancy novels.

17. Falling Sky (50-1)

            Anytime you have the chance to name a horse after a cheaply produced TNT drama, you have to do it. I guess.

16. Black Onyx (50-1)

            Props go out to the owner who decided to honor one of the first Japanese RPGs ever made, but Black Onyx has no chance starting in post 1.

15. Giant Finish (50-1)

            Naming an elite racehorse something as mundane as Giant Finish would be like instead of naming their classic album “Dark Side of the Moon”, Pink Floyd settled on calling it “Cool Songs”.

14. Oxbow (30-1)

            What would possess someone to name a horse after a U-shaped frame?

13. Golden Soul (50-1)

            When I first read this name, I thought it was the title of the latest tear-jerking true story written by Mitch Albom.

(EDITORS NOTE: For those scoring at home, we just set a record for the most references made to books in the same column)

12. Overanalyze (15-1)

            I thought about writing an extended analysis of Overanalyze’s chances in the Derby, but after considering it for several minutes, opted to keep it to one rambling sentence where I neither endorse nor disparage the horse in question.

11. Will Take Charge (20-1)

            Reminiscent of Take Charge Indy, who sucked balls in last year’s race.

(EDITORS NOTE: I actually don’t remember where Take Charge Indy finished. I was contractually obligated to use the phrase “sucked balls” and figured this was the best way to do it)

10. Vyjack (15-1)

            I had Vyjack ranked in my initial top-5 until I discovered he’s recovering from an infection he had last month. No details on what the infection was, but hopefully Lindsay Lohan had nothing to do with it.

9. Goldencents (5-1)

            Rick Pitino has a minority ownership stake in Goldencents, which means I would love his chances of winning if the race only lasted 30 seconds.

8. Mylute (15-1)

            Rather than naming it after a musical instrument from the middle ages, I would’ve voted to name Mylute “Fender Telecaster” instead.

7. Revolutionary (10-1)

            I’m all for patriotic horses, but I’m not a fan of the three hole out of the starting gate.

6. Verrazano (4-1)

            Assuming that Verrazano is named after the Florentine explorer, it’s not good to name a horse after a dude that was eaten by South Americans.

5. Java’s War (15-1)

            Is the name of this horse referring to coffee’s war against energy drinks?

4. Orb (7-2)

 

            Orbs were a key part of the mythology of “Star Trek Deep Space 9”. That has no relevance to the race, I just thought I would note it.

3. Palace Malice (20-1)

            I wanted to place a wager on the horse whose name is loosely associated with the most famous sports brawl of the 21^st century.

 

            Unfortunately, I can’t find a writer anywhere who gives him a chance of winning. We have to cover all three bases for a horse to earn my bet.

2. Frac Daddy (50-1)

            ESPN’s Hank Greenberg, who is the network’s most famous gambling degenerate, got No Credentials all excited when he endorsed Frac Daddy yesterday. I just can’t pull the trigger on a horse who will either finish first or twentieth.  

1. Normandy Invasion (12-1)

            Just in case you’re drawing a blank on what Normandy Invasion is named for…

            I’m not crazy about his starting post, but in No Credentials opinion, it would be downright un-American to not pull for Normany Invasion Saturday evening.