Week 13 NFL Picks

            An amazing thing happened last week. No, we’re not talking about RGIII eviscerating the Cowboys (it’s going to suck playing him twice a year), The Ass Fumble (thanks go out to Rex Ryan for not benching the Sanchize yet, otherwise we wouldn’t have that wonderful highlight to watch over and over for years to come), or even Thanksgiving. No, it was something much more significant than that, something that clearly shows the Mayans are right and we all have only three weeks to live…

No Credentials went 14-1-1 picking the Week 12 games.

            It started with a rousing 3-0 run on Thanksgiving, which led to a luck-filled Sunday, culminating with the joy of picking against a shitty Eagles team. To put my good fortune in perspective (sorry if I’m bragging, but I’m pretty sure 14-1-1 will never, EVER, happen again), here are some fun facts.

-         Of the sixteen teams I picked to cover, only one of them didn’t win outright (Detroit, and by my count, they should’ve beaten Houston four different times). Fortunately, they still covered.

-         Denver was the only team I chose that lost against the spread, but they still were able to advance No Credentials in the Sportsbook $100K Survivor Pool, and I had them in a two-team teaser with the Bengals (dropping their line to 4.5), which also won.

-         Atlanta pushed (only beating Tampa by 1), but they redeemed themselves for me last night against New Orleans. Still can’t wait to bet on whoever they are playing against in the Divisional Round.

-         Sprinkling a little fantasy football in just for fun, my No Credentials Fantasy Football League team, which has been decimated by injuries (don’t feel too bad for me, I lost my mind and drafted both Vick and Roethlisberger. Should’ve known how that pair would turn out), had it’s season saved by Colin Kaepernick and Bryce Brown. To show how in the tank I am for Kaepernick, I was just able to correctly spell his name twice without even having to rely on spell check.

            I’d like to take more credit for my ridiculous week of prognostication, but I was half asleep when I made my Sunday/Monday picks after working a 6am-6pm shift on Black Friday. Even more egregious, I only made two wagers on NFL games (who’s winnings only made up for a foolish bet on the Trail Blazers earlier in the week). Thankfully, I didn’t have to work 12 hours today, but I will try to duplicate some of last week’s magic and simply list all of my picks. Home teams are in caps.

BEARS (-4) over Seahawks

PACKERS (-8) over Vikings

Rams (+7.5) over 49ERS

JETS (-4.5) over Cardinals

Panthers (-3) over CHIEFS

LIONS (-5) over Colts

Jaguars (+6) over BILLS

Patriots (-9) over DOLPHINS

Texans (-7) over TITANS

BRONCOS (-7) over Buccaneers

CHARGERS (+1.5) over Bengals

Browns (+2.5) over RAIDERS

RAVENS (-4) over Steelers

Eagles (+10.5) over COWBOYS

Giants (-2.5) over REDSKINS

 

Last Week = 14-1-1

Thursday = 1-0 (thanks Brees for out-sucking Matty Ice)
Season = 94-77-5

David Stern Can Go To Hell

     Get ready for a talking heads explosion on ESPN tomorrow. David Stern blasted Greg Popovich for resting the San Antonio Spurs' Big 3, saying that the Spurs would face significant . He sent Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobili home instead of bringing them to Miami. Popovich also didn't bring along Danny Green, who's led the team in minutes during the first month of the season. Tonight's game was the Spurs fourth in five nights, and their sixth road game in ten days.
     What exactly can David Stern fine the Spurs for? Good planning? Miami hadn't played a game since Saturday, so even the best effort from San Antonio would've likely resulted in a loss. Stern is just pissed because Popovich rested his stars during a nationally televised game on TNT. I look forward to seeing what rule the NBA commish makes up on the fly so he can penalize San Antonio.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Weekend (11/22-11/25)

10. Auburn Fires Gene Chizik
            Apparently, a national championship only buys you two years of job security.

9. Detroit Lions Get Screwed

            If it is any consolation for Detroit fans, at least they covered the point spread.

8. The Bengals Get Revenge on Carson Palmer

            One could argue that Carson Palmer got what he deserved for bailing out on the Bengals last year.

7. Jaguars Show Life, Knock Off Tennessee

            Want to know why No Credentials gave a shit about this game? Gambling on the Jaguars money line, that’s why.

6. No Credentials Goes 13-1-1 With Week 12 Picks

            No Credentials career best picks weekend is another sure sign that the world is going to explode on December 21, 2012.

5. Ray Rice Converts a Fourth and 29

            Getting a first down on fourth and 29 is hard to do in Madden, much less real life.
          
4. San Francisco Dominates New Orleans
            Colin Kaepernick’s efforts to save my fantasy football team’s season were greatly appreciated.

3. Notre Dame Knocks Off USC, Earns BCS Championship Game Appearance
            Congratulations to the Fighting Irish for earning the right to get slaughtered by the SEC Champions in the BCS title game.

2. RGIII Lights Up Dallas, Redskins Hold On Late

            It looks like Robert Griffin III is going to be tormenting me for years to come.

1. Patriots Rack Up 35 Second Quarter Points, Humiliate Jets

            The Thanksgiving night loss was so catastrophic, Fireman Ed was pushed to retire.

Week 12 NFL Picks

            12 hours on my feet for Black Friday have led to a condensed list of my week 12 picks. Just know that I went 3-0 on Thanksgiving and incredibly, didn’t bet on any of the games.

BENGALS (-8.5) over Raiders

BROWNS (+1) over Steelers

COLTS (-3) over Bills

Broncos (-10.5) over CHIEFS

JAGUARS (+4) over Titans

Falcons (-1) over BUCCANEERS

BEARS (-6) over Vikings

DOLPHINS (+3) over Seahawks

Ravens (-1) over CHARGERS

49ers (-1) over SAINTS

Rams (+1.5) over CARDINALS

GIANTS (-3) over Packers

Panthers (-2.5) over EAGLES

 

Last Week = 6-8

Thanksgiving = 3-0 (a holiday miracle!)
Season = 80-76-4

What Romney and the GOP Really Could Have Done to Win the White House

            It’s been two weeks since President Barack Obama was reelected to a second term. Democrats rejoiced. Republicans feared the worst, complaining not only about the President but their own party. You can read any number of articles on the Internet about why Mitt Romney lost. Click here to read about there failed experiment with technology that left most of their volunteers in battle ground states without any direction on what to do. Republican’s failure to attract Latino voters is well documented (I won’t even bother posting a link to it, just type it into a Google search and you’ll get 9,000,000 different sites). However, I think most of the reasons offered by “experts” are too broad. It’s time someone named specific ways Mitt Romney could’ve generated a better result in the electoral vote, or at the very least, figure out how Republicans can generate more votes in future elections. No Credentials isn’t qualified to do it, but that hasn’t stopped us before.

Open a Wendy’s in the Mount Washington Valley

            It was all the way back in the fall of 2008 when Wendy’s was taken away from North Conway, NH (apparently, the FDA frowns upon letting employees deal drugs through the drive-thru window). If Mitt Romney opened a new Wendy’s in my backyard back in August, it may have made me think about which candidate I was going to vote for. Well, for at least half a second.

         

Create an Ad Campaign with Dora the Explorer

            This move probably wouldn’t pay off until about 2028, but it would help the GOP plant some seeds. For example, they could send their leading presidential candidate on the show to say something like, “Remember when we wanted to deport your uncle? Just kidding!”

End the NFL Referee Lockout Before the Start of the Season

            An idea that I first heard floated around by Bill Simmons and Cousin Sal on a podcast, this could’ve at least swung the popular vote. If Romney came out and hammered the NFL for their handling of the referee crisis, Americans that don’t have time for less important issues (economy, healthcare, military, abortion) would’ve been plugged in to the 2012 election.
 

Offer to Banish the Tea Party to an Island in the South Pacific

            Ultimately, Romney breaking his back to impress the ultra-conservative members of his party was what cost him the trust of moderate undecided voters. Offering to ship folks that still want to live like it’s 1952 far away from the United States would go along way in bringing the independents to the Republican side.

Develop Technology to Stop Hurricanes

            Not to make light of Superstorm Sandy, but it’s fair to say that the timing of the storm couldn’t of been worse for the Romney campaign. It was hard to bash President Obama at campaign stops when New Jersey’s Republican governor was praising the president for his swift decisions in establishing recovery efforts (may or may not have something to do with Obama handling Sandy the exact opposite way that George W. handled Hurricane Katrina, but I digress). People got to see the President in action, while ol’ Mitt was stuck claiming he’d create seven million jobs out of thin air. What if shortly before Sandy made landfall, Romney busted onto the scene and did this…

 

            Who’s not going to vote for a guy that can stop a fucking hurricane? It would’ve been like electing Storm from X-Men with the added talent of flip-flopping on abortion.

Figure Out a Way to Compete in California

            Ceding California’s 53 electoral votes every four years is the equivalent of starting a football game down 14-0 before your offense gets a chance to hit the field. Unfortunately for the GOP, Republicans are a dying breed in America’s most populated state.

Hire Someone Other Than Karl Rove to Raise Money

            Actually, I take that back. Rove melting down on live television was the highlight of election night. We were lacking some serious entertainment without the involvement of Sarah Palin, so Rove’s performance was some much-needed comic relief.

 

           

            So there you have it. I’d like to give a shout out to Colin Tuttle, friend of the blog and graphic arts extrodianaire, for providing the pictures, even despite his best friend blowing the election. Here’s a picture of Colin with his pal Romney taken on the campaign trail.

 

 

 

 

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (11/16-11/18)

10. Toronto Blue Jays Ink Melky Cabrera to a $16 Million Deal
            Because you know, when you get the chance to sign an admitted juicer who will probably hit .260 now that he’s clean, you have to do it. Kudos to Toronto though for going bonkers and spending a bunch of cash this off-season. 

9. Ricky Stenhouse Jr. Wins Second Straight Nationwide Series Championship

            It sucks to lose Matt Kenseth, but Jack Roush couldn’t ask for a better replacement than Stenhouse. In four years, we could be talking about him as the next Brad Keselowski.

8. GSP Returns

            It wasn’t Georges St-Pierre’s most impressive performance, but at least the potential super-fight with Anderson Silva is still a possibility.

7. Houston Texans Win 43-37 Shoot-Out Over Jacksonville

            A suprisingly entertaining game who’s boxscore looks like it was produced by two junior high kids playing Madden. For Jagaurs fans, at least they could see that Justin Blackmon can play when he has someone other than Blaine Gabbert throwing him the ball.

6. Ravens Win a Slugfest in Pittsburgh

            It wasn’t pretty, but thanks to Jacoby Jones punt return, Baltimore has a two game cushion in the AFC North.

5. Patriots Put Up 59 Points

            Throwing some water on the Andrew Luck Love-Fest was a welcome event for Patriots’ fans, but unfortunately they paid a price for it. Rob Gronkowski had surgery today on his broken forearm.
          
4. #2 Oregon Loses in Overtime to Stanford
3. #1 Kansas State Pummeled by Baylor
            What did these two shocking upsets result in? That’s right, another event that proves the Mayans could be right about the world exploding next month…Notre Dame is the #1 team in the country.

2. Dallas Cowboys Rally, Defeat Cleveland in Overtime, Keep No Credentials Alive in the Sportsbook.com $100K Survivor Pool

            I’m glad I was working during this game, because I’m pretty sure I would’ve had a minor cardiac event if I was able to follow it live. Thankfully, I won’t be able to pick them the rest of the season.

1. Brad Keselowski Wins the 2012 Sprint Cup, Then Gets Wasted

            Keselowski is the first Sprint/Winston Cup Champion who’s post-race celebration included chugging Miller Lite out of a 128-ounce glass while being interviewed on Sportscenter.

 

Week 11 NFL Picks

Philadelphia Eagles (3-6) @ Washington Redskins (3-6)
Sunday, 1pm, FOX, O/U 43.5
            Super thrilled to be starting Nick Foles on one of my fantasy teams this week because Michael Vick and Ben Roethlisberger got hurt the same week. Anytime you can play a guy that looks like he should be delivering pizzas for Dominos, you have to do it.

REDSKINS (-3.5) over Eagles
Top-5 Pick of the Week

Green Bay Packers (6-3) @ Detroit Lions (4-5)

Sunday, 1pm, FOX, O/U 52.5
            Want to know what motivates Green Bay? How about the fact that if it weren’t for the replacement refs, they would be tied for first place in the NFC North.

Packers (-3.5) over LIONS

Top-5 Pick of the Week

Arizona Cardinals (4-5) @ Atlanta Falcons (8-1)

Sunday, 1pm, FOX, O/U 44
            Arizona is a good team to catch when you need to bounce back from your first loss of the season.

FALCONS (-9.5) over Cardinals

 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-4) @ Carolina Panthers (2-7)

Sunday, 1pm, FOX, O/U 48
            It took about a month for it to happen, but Tampa Bay now boasts one of the five scariest offenses in the league.

Buccaneers (-1.5) over PANTHERS

Top-5 Pick of the Week
 

Cleveland Browns (2-7) @ Dallas Cowboys (4-5)

Sunday, 1pm, CBS, O/U 43.5
            I have to take Dallas in the Sportsbook Suicide Pool, so I’ll hedge a little bit and pick Cleveland to cover.

Browns (+8) over COWBOYS

 

New York Jets (3-6) @ St. Louis Rams (3-5-1)

Sunday, 1pm, CBS, O/U 38.5
            There’s absolutely nothing to like about the Jets this week.

RAMS (-3.5) over Jets

Top-5 Pick of the Week

Jacksonville Jaguars (1-8) @ Houston Texans (8-1)

Sunday, 1pm. CBS, O/U 40.5
            You know a match-up is one-sided when Vegas won’t even give you the option of wagering on a Texans’ money line.

TEXANS (-15) over Jaguars

Cincinnati Bengals (4-5) @ Kansas City Chiefs (1-8)

Sunday, 1pm, CBS, O/U 43.5
            The hardest game on the board to predict (in my uninformed opinion). We’ll take the points.

CHIEFS (+3.5) over Bengals

 

New Orleans Saints (4-5) @ Oakland Raiders (3-6)

Sunday, 4pm, FOX, O/U 54.5
            I just made a rule up that I won’t pick the Saints to cover until they get back to .500. This feels like it’s going to be a weird game.

RAIDERS (+4.5) over Saints

 

Indianapolis Colts (6-3) @ New England Patriots (6-3)

Sunday, 4:30pm, CBS, O/U 54.5
            At some point, the Patriots have to blow someone out. People are little to excited about the Colts, who despite their record, have been outscored by their opponents by 15 points this season.

PATRIOTS (-9) over Colts

Top-5 Pick of the Week
 

San Diego Chargers (4-5) @ Denver Broncos (6-3)

Sunday, 4:30pm, CBS, O/U 48.5
            You’ll be feeling good about taking the Chargers to cover until another backbreaking pick-6 by Phillip Rivers.

BRONCOS (-7.5) over Chargers

 

Baltimore Ravens (7-2) @ Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3)

Sunday, 8:20pm, NBC, O/U 40
            I love the under.

STEELERS (+3.5) over Ravens

(EDITORS NOTE: Due to the uncertainty at quarterback for San Francisco, there currently isn’t a line for Monday night’s game. We’ll post a pick on Facebook as soon as one is available)

Last Week = 5-9

Thursday = 0-1 (I don’t know what to do with the Bills or Dolphins)
Season = 74-68-4

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Weekend (11/9-11/11)

10. President Obama Awarded Florida’s Electoral Votes
            If this year’s presidential election were a football game, we’d call the result of Florida finally counting their votes running up the score.

(SHORT RANT ALERT: 12 years ago, the United States was paralyzed by the state of Florida taking a month to figure out how to count votes. Isn’t it about time they figure this shit out? If a state as screwed up as California can manage to count their votes in one night, so should Florida)

9. Texas Honors Legendary Coach Darrell Royal With an Epic Wishbone Play

            Some backstory…Darrell Royal was a three-time National Championship winning head coach for Texas, and is still their all-time leader in wins. He was the first coach to bring the Wishbone offense to college football in 1968. Royal passed away this past week, and the Longhorns vowed to honor him on their first offensive play. No one expected what happened when Texas snapped the ball.

8. Ravens Destroy Oakland

            It’s nice to check the score of the team you picked in a suicide pool and see that they are up by 38 points.

7. Messi Tallies Goals #75 and #76

            When any record that Pele held is broken, that deserves at least a golf clap.

6. Yahoo’s Fantasy Sports Server Crashes

            There wasn’t a more inconvenient time for this to happen than a half hour before the 1pm games started. For those of you that lost your fantasy match up this week due to being unable to make substitutions at 12:50pm, I offer my condolences. 

5. The Philadelphia Eagles Stink

            You know things are tough in the city of brotherly love when even the Dallas Cowboys look competent when you are playing them.
          
4. Texans Make a Statement, Win in Chicago
            After getting shellacked at home by Green Bay, it was important for the AFC’s best team to perform well against the other top NFC North club.

3. Saints Late Goal-Line Stand Seals Win Over Falcons
            Don’t look now, but New Orleans has slowly crawled out of their 0-4 hole to give themselves a chance to make a playoff push in the second half.

2. Johnny Manziel Rocks Alabama

            You can read all about Texas A&M’s epic upset in Tuscaloosa here, but I’m instead going to write about what how awesome Johnny Manziel is. Not the man (he reminds me of a young Tony Romo, which sounds like a back-handed compliment, but can work in the SEC), but his name. Johnny Manziel easily could’ve been the name of the quarterback in “Varsity Blues”. How can you not be awesome at something when your name is Johnny Manziel? Obviously Manziel excels at football, but here’s a short list of other things you could be great at with a name like Johnny Manziel.

Lead Guitarist

A-List Actor
Drug Dealer
Spy
Iron Chef
Race-Car Driver

1. Jimmie Johnson Blows a Tire, and Jeff Gordon Loses His Mind

            For those confused by the headline, Jeff Gordon was not driven insane by walking in on Jimmie Johnson performing oral sex on a Goodyear. Johnson’s right front tire failure puts his championship hopes on life support. Jeff Gordon’s attempt to reenact a move done by countless people who’ve played any racing video game has tarnished his image. We’ll talk more about this later this week (hopefully!).

Week 10 NFL Picks

            Real-life events will cancel the typical worthless analysis of each game, but for your information we’re 20-8 the past two weeks. Play it safe and bet against these picks in anticipation of a market correction.

 

PATRIOTS (-12.5) over Bills

Giants (-4) over BENGALS

BUCCANEERS (-3) over Chargers

PANTHERS (+4.5) over Broncos (I like Denver 24-21 to win)

Titans (+6) over DOLPHINS

RAVENS (-7.5) over Raiders

Falcons (-2.5) over SAINTS

Lions (-2.5) over VIKINGS

SEAHAWKS (-6) over Jets

EAGLES (+2.5) over Cowboys

49ERS (-12.5) over Rams

BEARS (-1.5) over Texans

STEELERS (-12) over Chiefs
 

Last Week = 9-5

Thursday Pick = 1-0 (go Colts)
Season = 69-59-4

Mid-Season NFL Power Rankings

The Best Chance at the First Pick in a Bad Draft Division

32. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-8)

            It’s hard on the eyes to watch Blaine Gabbert try to be a NFL quarterback.

31. Kansas City Chiefs (1-7)

            Kansas City valiantly attempted to tank the rest of the year by naming Brady Quinn the starter, but a concussion has forced Matt Cassel back into the line-up.

Awful Yet Spunky Division

30. Tennessee Titans (3-6)

            Jake Locker coming back won’t lead to a miraculous playoff berth, but it will allow them to verify that they have a franchise quarterback.

29. Cleveland Browns (2-7)

            You have to give the Browns credit for being competitive in nearly all of their games.

28. Buffalo Bills (3-5)

            The only team that has been able to slow down C.J. Spiller this season has been the Buffalo Bills.

27. Oakland Raiders (3-5)

            Unless you’re a Darren McFadden owner in a non-PPR league, Oakland has proven to be a fun fantasy team.

26. Carolina Panthers (2-6)

            Carolina has shelled out $125 million to Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams the past two off seasons. They both suck.

25. New York Jets (3-5)

            No other organization is in more dire need of a complete purge (players, coaches, and GM included) than the Jets.

24. St. Louis Rams (3-5)

            Hard to believe that I’m typing this, but Danny Amendola’s injury was a back breaker. Nevertheless, still reason for optimism with all the picks they’ll get from Washington the next two years.

23. Cincinnati Bengals (3-5)

            A promising 3-1 start has been all but forgotten. At least Bengals fans can still watch A.J. Green every week.

22. Arizona Cardinals (4-5)

            This year’s winner of the “If They Only Had a QB” award.

 

Why the Giants Can Cruise the Rest of the Year Division

21. Philadelphia Eagles (3-5)

20. Washington Redskins (3-6)
19. Dallas Cowboys (3-5)
            These three shitty teams currently have a combined nine-game losing streak. Don’t be surprised if Sunday’s Cowboys-Eagles game ends in a tie.
 

The Rise From the Ashes Division

18. New Orleans Saints (3-5)

            With each passing week, the Bounty-Gate Saints have looked more and more functional. Unfortunately, they need to win seven of their last eight to have a chance at the playoffs.

The Best Days Have Already Happened Division

17. Minnesota Vikings (5-4)

            Christian Ponder is going to look even worse this week without Percy Harvin on the field.

16. Miami Dolphins (4-4)

            Ryan Tannehill has looked surprisingly competent since his disastrous debut at Houston.

The Life Support Division

 

15. Detroit Lions (4-4)

            Thought for sure Detroit was on it’s way to a 4-12 season, but their upset of the Eagles appears to have saved their season.

14. San Diego Chargers (4-4)

            Cheering for the Chargers must be like being a Cowboys fan, minus the ability to brag about the Jimmie Johnson years.
 

The Playing For the Right to Get Slaughtered in Round 1 Division

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-4)

            As Doug Martin has evolved into a one-man fantasy football winning demolition machine, Tampa Bay’s offense has found another gear.

13. Indianapolis Colts (6-3)

            Andrew Luck won’t win the Rookie of the Year award, but when it’s all said and done, he will be the most successful quarterback of the 2012 draft class.

11. Seattle Seahawks (5-4)

            Seattle would be a top-5 team if Matt Flynn was starting.

The Flawed Contenders

10. Baltimore Ravens (6-2)

            Unless Baltimore has been Milton Berle-ing it all season (intentionally pulling out just enough to win), the Ravens haven’t laid the smack-down on anyone since Week 1.

9. New York Giants (6-3)

            Being ranked ninth on this list is exactly where Tom Coughlin wants the Giants to be to set up another Super Bowl run.

8. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-3)

            Getting the running game back on track is what Pittsburgh needed to become a Super Bowl contender again.

7. Green Bay Packers (6-3)

            Aaron Rodgers is brilliant, but this still feels like a team that can be pushed around.

6. San Francisco 49ers (6-2)

            Their defense is brilliant, but this still feels like a team that is quarterbacked by Alex Smith.

5. Denver Broncos (5-3)

            Peyton Manning has exceeded all expectations in his return to the field. Based on what we saw from the Broncos with Tim Tebow under center last year, Manning should be the MVP.

4. New England Patriots (5-3)

            No team has outsmarted themselves more often this year than the Patriots. If they stick to basics offensively, New England still is capable of being the scariest team in the AFC.

The Favorites

3. Atlanta Falcons (8-0)

            Even with the undefeated record, Atlanta still feels like a team that’s going to get thumped at home in the divisional round of the playoffs. 

2. Houston Texans (7-1)

1. Chicago Bears (7-1)
            We’ll determine which one of these teams is #1 after Sunday night’s mammoth tilt at Soldier Field.

Agents of Satan - Bad Kids TV Show Rankings

            The following list is my ten least favorite children’s television programs (ranked in reverse order).

10. Angelina Ballerina

            Whenever this show accidentally airs on my television, my start starts yelling, “No, no, NO!!!!” Angelina Ballerina would be number one if he could type this list.

9. Barney

 

            More of a lifetime achievement award, as we never watch Barney. He did enough damage in the early-90s to secure a spot in the inaugural poll.

8. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

            I don’t mean to dog on the face of Disney, but there’s more action at Pancake Social Night at an Amish village than there is on this show.

7. Special Agent Oso

            On paper, Special Agent Oso has a lot going for it. James Earl Jones is involved, and…well, James Earl Jones is actually the only thing this show has going for it on paper. In the end, it’s a show about a stupid bear with a stupid catchphrase.

6. Abby’s Flying Fairy School

            Abby is the Yoko Ono of Sesame Street.

5. Jake and the Neverland Pirates

            The title of this show would be much more accurate if it was called “Obnoxious Little Asshole Pirates”. I feel like I’ve covered the basic plot of a typical episode in this space before, but for those who missed it, here you go.

1. Captain Hook steals a soccerball/football/basketball/treasure/parrott/pirate ship from the Neverland Pirates.
2. The Neverland Pirates get their soccerball/football/basketball/treasure/parrott/pirate ship back.
3. To get away from Captain Hook they use Pixie Dust, which even though it is only supposed to be used in emergencies, is used in every show.

          Jake and the Neverland Pirates would be a total loss if it weren’t for these two guys, who always deliver the goods at the end of every episode. 

 

4. Doc McStuffins

            I’m not sure who green-lighted a show about a girl who repairs broken toys, but they should not be employed by Disney anymore.

3. Caillou

            Little known fact…the stories of Caillou are actually taken from the real-life childhood experiences of this man…

 

            That’s right, it’s based on NHL broadcaster Pierre McGuire, aka “The Bald Asshole”. We’re not sure how his lovely childhood (which includes him never being blamed for anything, always getting what he wants, including leaping into his elderly grandparents’ arms despite the fact that they may or may not have osteoporosis) led to him becoming the angriest sports announcer on television (sorry Skip Bayless), but perhaps their will be an episode where Caillou gets picked on for having a weak wrist shot.

2. Noodle and Doodle

            Who wants to watch a show where a dolt with Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder version) hair and a crappy puppet cook shitty snacks and then make awful crafts? Sadly, my son. My only satisfaction with each 15 minutes of horrendous television is the opening theme song, which starts with a long mumble, and ends with a roar.   

1. The Fresh Beat Band

     

            These assholes are the reason this list is called “Agents of Satan.” Each episode they try to top the previous one with cheesier dialogue (even by kid’s show standards) and annoying songs. The band is made up of the following four members.

Kiki – The lead female singer who struggles to speak English when she isn’t singing.

Shout – The lead male singer who thinks he’s on Broadway.
Marina – Originally a red head who couldn’t dance who was then replaced by a brunette who can’t sing.
Shout – The failed rapper who they let free style one verse every three episodes.

             Here’s all the blog related things I can blame The Fresh Beat Band for thanks to the brain cells they have destroyed.

-         Every NFL pick I’ve gotten wrong.

-         Predicting Tony Stewart to finish eleventh in last year’s Chase (I’ll toot my own horn and say I’m redeeming myself with my Jimmie Johnson prediction, not that I was leaning out on a limb or anything)

-         Picking the Eagles to win the NFC East (not my fault their whole offensive line went down. Note to Eagles critics, it’s not Michael Vick’s fault either)

-         Signing off on Zach Greinke as my favorite fantasy baseball pitcher last spring.

-         Not writing a fake news story since last May.

 
            So there you have it. I might do this poll once a month, or never again, so if you enjoyed it you might want to add this page to your favorites.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Weekend (11/2-11/4)

10. NHL Cancels the Winter Classic
            You can kiss the 2012-13 season goodbye with the announcement that their biggest moneymaking event (even more so than the Stanley Cup Finals) has been eliminated.

9. The Hammer of God Will Return

            It would’ve been a shame for Mariano Rivera’s career to end while shagging foul balls in batting practice.

8. Fear the Beard

            James Harden’s start with the Houston Rockets would’ve been #3 on this list if it weren’t for him running out of gas against Portland Saturday night, mostly because he’s on both of my fantasy teams.

7. Jimmie Johnson Wins Slugfest Over Brad Keselowski at Texas

            Let it be known that Keselowski had this race in the bag if he didn’t slide too far into his pit box with 58 laps to go. Who know that pitting behind Danica Patrick could be so treacherous.

6. Oregon and USC Combine for 113 Points

            For those unfamiliar with the game of football, that’s a lot of fucking points.

5. Ray Allen Completes Game-Winning Four Point Play

            Allen’s game-winning shot was a sum of all fears play for the rest of the NBA. Lebron James drove to the basket, Allen’s man left to help, and James hit him for a wide-open three. Allen doesn’t even need to move on this team.
          
4. Lori and T-Dog Bite the Dust on “The Walking Dead”
            If we can get confirmation that Carol croaked, that’s the three most unlikable characters killed off. The only thing that would've made Sunday's episode better was Lori's fetus being a zombie and eating her from the inside. 

3. Notre Dame Prevails in Triple Overtime
            There isn’t a more compelling team week-to-week in college football than Notre
Dame. Expect the fun to last two more weeks before they get their doors blown off by USC.

2. Down 10 in the Fourth, Steelers Make a Statement Against Giants
            Ben Roethlisberger served Eli Manning a piece of his own medicine, engineering some fourth quarter magic. Pittsburgh has reestablished themselves as legitimate Super Bowl contenders.

1. Alabama Makes Stunning Comeback at LSU

            Les Miles was the unofficial MVP of the game for Alabama. If it wasn’t for multiple horrendous decisions, LSU pulls off the upset.

Week 9 NFL Picks

Week 9 Byes = New England Patriots, San Francisco 49ers, St. Louis Rams, New York Jets

Denver Broncos (4-3) @ Cincinnati Bengals (3-4)

Sunday, 1:00pm, CBS, O/U 48
            If you take into account the last month of performance, this line is at least 2.5 points too low.

Broncos (-4) over BENGALS

Top-5 Pick of the Week
 

Arizona Cardinals (4-4) @ Green Bay Packers (5-3)

Sunday, 1:00pm, FOX, O/U 43.5
            I’m going to continue to stubbornly choose Green Bay to cover double-digit spreads, even if they refuse to do it.

PACKERS (-10) over Cardinals

 

Miami Dolphins (4-3) @ Indianapolis Colts (4-3)

Sunday, 1:00pm, CBS, O/U 43
            Who would’ve thought that this game would have major implications on the Wild Card race before the season started?

COLTS (+2) over Dolphins

 

Baltimore Ravens (5-2) @ Cleveland Browns (2-6)

Sunday, 1:00pm, CBS, O/U 42.5
            To trendy of an upset pick for me to jump on board with.

Ravens (-4) over BROWNS

 

Buffalo Bills (3-4) @ Houston Texans (6-1)

Sunday, 1:00pm, CBS, O/U 48
            Should be a great week to own Arian Foster and Ben Tate.

TEXANS (-10) over Bills

Top-5 Pick of the Week
 

Carolina Panthers (1-6) @ Washington Redskins (3-5)

Sunday, 1:00pm, FOX, O/U 47.5
            You won’t find a more entertaining game between two teams going nowhere this season than Sunday’s tilt in our nation’s capital.

REDSKINS (-3) over Panthers

 

Detroit Lions (3-4) @ Jacksonville Jaguars (1-6)

Sunday, 1:00pm, FOX, O/U 44
            The following pick has more to do with not having faith in Detroit than having any belief that Jacksonville will do anything special.

JAGUARS (+5) over Lions

 

Chicago Bears (6-1) @ Tennessee Titans (3-5)

Sunday, 1:00pm, FOX, O/U 43.5
            Chicago has outscored their opponents by 85 points this season. Tennessee has been outscored by 95 points this season. I rest my case.

Bears (-3.5) over TITANS

Top-5 Pick of the Week
 

Minnesota Vikings (5-3) @ Seattle Seahawks (4-4)

Sunday, 4:00pm, FOX, O/U 38.5
            Christian Ponder has played like shit the last two weeks in his own building. Playing at Seattle isn’t the right place for him to get back on track.

SEAHAWKS (-4) over Vikings

Top-5 Pick of the Week
 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Oakland Raiders

Sunday, 4:00pm, CBS, O/U 46.5
            I don’t know which way to go there, so I’ll take the point.

Buccaneers (+1) over RAIDERS

 

Pittsburgh Steelers (4-3) @ New York Giants (6-2)

Sunday, 4:30pm, CBS, O/U 47.5
            Had Pittsburgh penciled in before realizing that New York is playing their first game post Hurricane Sandy. You never bet against a team the week their fan base is dealing with a natural disaster.

GIANTS (3.5) over Steelers

 

Dallas Cowboys (3-4) @ Atlanta Falcons (7-0)

Sunday, 8:20pm, NBC, O/U 47.5
            I appreciate Rex Ryan’s moxie (he has every right to have it. His defense has been Super Bowl caliber this year), but that won’t be enough against Atlanta.

FALCONS (-4) over Cowboys

 

Philadelphia Eagles (3-4) @ New Orleans Saints (2-5)

Monday, 8:30pm, ESPN, O/U 51.5
            This game will decide whether the Michael Vick era continues or ends in Philadelphia.

Eagles (+3) over SAINTS

Last Week = 11-3

Thursday Night Pick = 1-0 (even the Chiefs can make Norv Turner look competent)
Season = 60-54-4