Rex Ryan - "So I like feet, what's the big deal?"

Florham Park, NJ (AP) – Rex Ryan has admitted to a small group of reporters that it was in fact him and his wife Michelle in the foot-fetish videos that were unearthed by Deadspin.com. He took time to speak with the few reporters left on the Jets campus on Christmas Eve morning.

            “It’s pretty damn obvious that it is us in those videos,” Ryan said, “Since there was nothing illegal that was done, I feel comfortable enough at this time to talk about it.”

            When asked why his wife posted the videos online while Ryan was the defensive coordinator for the Baltimore Ravens, Ryan said it was so they could network with other people who are fond of feet.

            “Most people don’t have that much affection for feet. I mean, they smell, they get puffy at the end of the day, on paper feet don’t have a lot going for them.”

            According to Ryan, the origins of Ryan’s foot-fetish started when he was a young boy in Toronto. “You may not know it by looking at me now, but I was pretty flexible in my youth. When I was having a bad day, I’d suck on my toes. It was pretty innocent at the time, but it definitely planted the seeds for further exploration.” Ryan laughed while recalling when his fetish was taken to the next level while a junior in high school.

            “I don’t want to go into too much detail, but let’s just say the situation involved a jungle gym, handle bars, chocolate syrup, and the prettiest, size 5 ½ pair of feet I’d ever seen. Man, from that point forward I was hooked.”

            Rex sights his shared foot-fetish with his wife of 23 years as one of the key components of their marriage. “You know, when you share a weird passion like that, it makes it a lot easier to have open lines of communication. Whenever we even think about getting into a fight, we just slip off our shoes, toss the socks in the hamper, and have a good time.”

            Ryan does not believe that his players have lost respect for him. In fact, there has apparently been plenty of good-natured ribbing from them. The highlight was when a collage of every player’s left foot was posted on Ryan’s office door. Ryan denies that he’s ever checked out one of his player’s feet, although he did joke that “from what I’ve heard from guys that were here in ’08, Brett Favre should’ve been texting a picture of his right pinky toe instead of his penis to Sterger.”

           

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (12/24-12/26)

10. Eagles-Vikings Game Cancelled Due to Blizzard

            For those of you who missed last week’s column, the #10 spot has turned into something that really isn’t awesome, but is something I can rant about.

            I’m just going to copy the quote made by Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell made to a Philadelphia radio station, because it is better than anything I could ever write. Enjoy.

             "It goes against everything that football is all about… My biggest beef is that this is part of what's happened in this country. I think we've become wussies… We've become a nation of wusses. The Chinese are kicking our butt in everything. If this was in China do you think the Chinese would have called off the game? People would have been marching down to the stadium, they would have walked and they would have been doing calculus on the way down."

            In related news, Ed Rendell is officially the most awesome politician in the United States.

9. Sidney Crosby Extends Points Streak to 24 Games

            Hockey is pretty far off the national radar, so what Sidney Crosby has been doing this season has gone mostly unnoticed. Which is a damn shame. To put it in perspective, Crosby’s streak would be equivalent to a 48 game hitting streak in baseball. Hopefully the streak is still alive when they face the Capitals on New Years in the Winter Classic.

8. Cowboys Miss an Extra Point, Lose to Cardinals

            About the same number of people who read this blog watched this game due to the fact that it was on NFL Network (for those of you not in the know, that number is roughly 7). At least Dallas was been eliminated from playoff contention months ago, otherwise this loss would’ve troubled me much more. Not now though. Keep losing guys, it’s a higher draft pick if we do.

7. Spike TV Has “Star Wars” Marathon on Christmas Eve and Christmas

            These movies always suck me in. Episode I is a crappy movie (thanks to Jar Jar Binks and the little kid playing Anakin Skywalker), but it’s bad enough that making fun of it is actually enjoyable. II and III are all right, despite the best efforts of Hayden Christensen to destroy them. Have you ever watched a football game where one team’s quarterback is playing so bad that you think he bet money on the other team (example: Neil O’Donnell in Super Bowl XXX for the Steelers against the Cowboys)? That’s what it looks like Christensen was doing in these movies. I think when George Lucas was casting the part, his only criteria was “dude who sort of looks like a young Mark Hamill”. At least he gets most of his limbs chopped off at the end of the third one, so there’s a payoff at the end.

Episodes IV-VI are classics. An epic story carried by solid performances, these movies are still the gold standard for quality science fiction.

6. Bears Win a Surprising Shootout Against the Jets

            This only made the list because every NFL expert and their brother picked this game to be a low-scoring, defensive affair. It’s a good thing TV networks pay big money to get these people’s opinions.

5. Carolina Panthers Earn #1 Pick in 2011 NFL Draft

            After getting destroyed by the Steelers last Thursday, and then two unlikely simultaneous victories by the Bengals and Broncos, Carolina has clinched the top pick with a game to spare. The popular opinion will be for the Panthers to add Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck. However, the roster is so bad that throwing a young quarterback onto this team might not be the best idea. We’ll discuss this more come early April when the NFL Draft is approaching.

4. Green Packers Push Giants to the Brink of Elimination

            I’m on board with any outcome that ends in the phrase “New York Giants in a free-fall”. Has anyone noticed how Green Bay has done this season against coaches on the hot seat? They destroyed Dallas, and the next day Wade Phillips got the boot. They pounded Minnesota in the Metrodome (before the roof imploded), and the next day Brad Childress was canned (by the way, these posts were much easier to make when idiots like Phillips and Childress were head coaches. I miss those guys). Green Bay won’t kick Tom Coughlin out the door, but they could get the first assist (hockey term) if New York doesn’t make the playoffs after week 17.

3. 49ers Coach Mike Singletary Goes Bonkers, Then Gets Fired

            I’m going to keep this very brief…Mike Singletary is f***ing nuts. I’d love to see him coach a college team (as long as my son  wasn’t on it), but I have a feeling his NFL coaching career could be over.

2. Miami Heat Defeat Lakers

            If I had remembered that the Lakers were 4-8 in their previous 12 Christmas Day games, I wouldn’t of been as surprised about the outcome as I was when it happened. LA looked listless, and didn’t take advantage of their significant size advantage inside. I have a feeling that if these two teams were to meet in the NBA Finals, it would be a very different outcome. The Lakers are on cruise control until April.

1. Christmas

            Was there any doubt that this would be #1? Christmas is awesome. I hope everyone had a very happy holiday.

Week 16 NFL Picks

You’ll have to trust that I’m 1-1 so far this week (won with Steelers, lost with the Cowboys). Home team is in caps.

Lions (+3.5) over DOLPHINS

JAGUARS (-6.5) over Redskins

RAMS (-2.5) over 49ers

Patriots (-7.5) over BILLS

Jets (+3) over BEARS

Ravens (-4) over BROWNS

CHIEFS (-4) over Titans

Colts (-2) over RAIDERS

Texans (-2.5) over BRONCOS

BENGALS (+8.5) over Chargers

BUCCANEERS (-6) over Seahawks

PACKERS (-3) over Giants

EAGLES (-14) over Vikings

FALCONS (-2.5) over Saints

Last Week = 9-7

This Week = 1-1

Season Record = 42-37-1 (before Thursday games)  

My Christmas List

With the holidays rolling around, I thought it would be fun to post a Christmas list. These are all things that I hope can happen within the next year or so. Without further ado…

 

I wish that the NFL would keep their regular season schedule at 16 games.

I wish that “FOX News” would be forced to have its name changed to “FOX Conservatives”, and that MSNBC would be changed to “The Left Side”.

I wish that MLB would implement a salary cap, as opposed to having it’s entire infrastructure relying on the Yankees or Red Sox going deep into the playoffs to draw big TV ratings.

I wish that the Miami Heat would get rid Chris Bosh and find a couple dudes that could get a damn rebound and block a couple shots (as a fan of basketball I wish that. As a fan of the Celtics I hope they keep trotting out Bosh and his 7.9 rebounds and 0.7 blocks per game).

I wish that Gary Bettman could figure out that having less NHL teams in the southern part of the United States, and more teams in Canada, makes a lot of sense.

I wish that Tiger Woods would get his mojo back (golf mojo that is. Just wanted to be clear on that).

I wish that Jerry Jones would pay Bill Cowher eleventy billion dollars to coach the Dallas Cowboys.

I wish that Landon Donovan would be allowed to play in a European soccer league, as it would do much more to improve soccer’s popularity in the United States as opposed to him wasting away in the sub-par MLS.

I wish that Jay Leno, Chris Berman, Brett Favre, Kate Gosselin, and television show “The Sing Off” would go away. Permanently. They don’t have to die or anything; just get out of the public eye. Forever.

 

I wish that Obama, or Sarah Palin, or Martians, or anybody would destroy the BCS and create a college football playoff.

I wish that “Days of Thunder” would be released on Blu-Ray.

I wish that NASCAR would have their main series be sponsored by cigarettes again instead of a cell phone company. It was way more fun when it was “The Winston Cup Series”.

I wish that Caillou would grow hair (sorry to those of you that don’t have small children that probably don’t understand that line. You’re just going to have to trust that it’s a good wish).

Lastly, I wish everyone a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (12/17-12/19)

10. Hyundai Continues to Air Their Christmas Themed Commercials

I’ve decided that #10 will become a gag item that really isn’t that awesome, but is actually something I would like to complain about.

These commercials annoy the living crap out of me. I despise the ads, but strangely, I can’t look away. This duet fascinates me so much, I actually looked them up on Wikipedia (their name is “Pomplamoose”. They are an indie band based out of California. I would’ve guessed that they were from Nova Scotia, but what do I know). The girl is creepy enough that you wouldn’t put it out of the realm of possibility that she sacrificed farm animals for religious ceremonies, and the guy is just an ass. I can point to them as the only reason I want Christmas to come and go, so that way they can stop airing these commercials.  

9. Cowboys Win “Dysfunctional Bowl” Over Redskins

            Dallas even laid down in the second half a little bit to make Rex Grossman look good, hoping that this sort of performance will convince Washington to go into 2011 with Sexy Rex at QB. That Jason Garrett is a real thinker.

8. Peyton Manning and Colts Take Control of AFC South

            Even if you are a Patriots fan, or a fan of another AFC contender, as a fan of football, would you rather see David Garrard or Peyton Manning in the playoffs?

7. Terrell Owens Out For Rest of Season

            I don’t normally cheer or applaud a player getting injured. This is one of those rare occasions.

6. Bengals Blow Opportunity to Take Control of #1 Pick in 2011 Draft

            Carolina won, giving the Bengals an opportunity to pull even in the race for worst record in the league. But alas, it wasn’t meant to be, as they pulled out a two-point victory over the Browns.

            In all seriousness, why are these two teams trying to win games? I would argue that drafting a potential franchise quarterback is much better than winning a meaningless game in December. If I were coaching the Bengals or Panthers, I would’ve pulled my entire defense off the field. I would’ve had the nose tackle play QB (alright, maybe that wouldn’t of been a good idea, since that would’ve probably been an upgrade for both teams under center). Picking a quarterback first overall isn’t a perfect science (see Couch, Tim, and Smith, Alex), but at least it creates some hope for the fans.

5. Tim Tebow Doesn’t Embarrass Himself in 1^st Start

            I’m not a die-hard Tebow fan (like the majority of the Bible Belt is), but I would like to see him do well. If nothing else, he’s a pretty compelling guy.

4. A Fat Patriot Runs a Kickoff 71 Yards

            If DeSean Jackson didn’t have his punt return at the end of regulation against the Giants, 313-pound Dan Connolly and his 71-yard kick return would easily be the play of the day. I was in tears when he cut back to the middle of the field at the 30 yard line and picked up 25 more yards.

  

3. Milwaukee Brewers Trade for Royals Ace Zack Greinke

            I love this trade for a multitude of reasons. For starters, he didn’t go to one of the usual suspects (Yankees, Red Sox, Phillies). Second, he joins a very sneaky Brewers club that could be really good in 2011. They already had added little known Shawn Marcum (formerly of the Blue Jays), who will be a guy that gets drafted in the 13^th round in fantasy leagues but produces like a 3^rd or 4^th rounder. Prince Fielder is entering the last year of his contract, which should mean that he will be pretty motivated. Add in Ryan Braun, Corey Hart, and Rickie Weeks, and you have the makings of a pretty potent offense. With Greinke, they have a legit #1 starter who will contend for the Cy Young trophy. Needless to say, I’m high on the Brewers.

2. Magic, Wizards, and Suns Make a Mega-Deal

            One of the reasons I really enjoy the NBA is when a few teams in the middle of the season decide to get together and blow up 30% of their roster.

1. Giants Pull Off Epic Choke Against Eagles

            I don’t need to write much about this (since it led off every single ESPN studio show today), but I will say that this was the most shocking NFL comeback I’ve ever witnessed. Never underestimate the power of momentum.

Week 15 NFL Picks

I forgot to post my Thursday pick, so you're just going to have to trust that I wouldn't pick a team quarterbacked by Alex Smith on the road in San Diego.

 

Bills (+5.5) over DOLPHINS

I want to continue my string of getting every Dolphins’ game wrong.

RAVENS (-1) over Saints

New Orleans is way to popular of a pick this week because of Baltimore’s struggles against Houston a week ago. I’ll go against the national consensus.

Texans (+1.5) over TITANS

Tennessee has pretty much mailed it in ever since Jeff Fisher and Vince Young had their little spat. Not sure how they can be favored over a Texans team that shut them out three weeks ago, and at the very least, puts in a solid effort every week.

PANTHERS (-2.5) over Cardinals

Very, very, very weird game. Carolina should just throw the game to preserve the #1 pick in next year’s draft (and the ability to acquire Stanford QB Andrew Luck). Arizona is trotting out a quarterback from Fordham. I guess I’ll just take the home team, and promise not to wager actual money on this game.

Browns (+1) over BENGALS

Colt McCoy is back baby! Can’t believe I just typed that, but it’s true.

COWBOYS (-6) over Redskins

How about the Redskins pulling up fast on the home stretch for the prize of most dysfunctional franchise of the year? They’ve passed Dallas, although we need one or two more crazy things to go down in D.C. before they pass the Vikings.

COLTS (-4.5) over Jaguars

This is one of those situations where I should absolutely take the Jaguars, but can’t let go of the delusion that somehow Manning will carry the Colts to the victory and the playoffs.

Eagles (+3) over GIANTS

Philadelphia dominated the Giants offense in their first meeting.

Lions (+5.5) over BUCCANEERS

The Lions have treated me well the last couple weeks. I’ll hope for another 3-point defeat.

RAMS (+1) over Chiefs

It looks like it will be Brodie Croyle (and his career record of 0-10) under center again. Has a team ever been crushed so much by an appendix late in the year?

SEAHAWKS (+7) over Falcons

I keep picking against Atlanta because I believe there is no way that team should finish a season 14-2. They have to lose at some point.

Jets (+6) over STEELERS

I think the Steelers will win, but it will be of the 13-10 variety.

RAIDERS (-6.5) over Broncos

Tim Tebow should light a spark…for the Raiders defense.

PATRIOTS (-11) over Packers

With Aaron Rodgers out, this line could’ve been (-38) and I would still pick the Patriots.

Bears (-6) over VIKINGS

Love the outdoor night game being played in Minnesota, but I do not have as much love for Joe Webb at quarterback for the Vikings.

Season Record = 33-30-1
Thursday Pick = 1-0

How Not Growing Since Age 12 Impairs Your Basketball Game

            I was that kid in school who started puberty at approximately age 5 ½. Fellow classmates used to gawk at my armpit hair. While my friends were asking for action figures and video games for Christmas, I was praying for a new electric razor. This early start of growth also contributed to me being fairly tall for my age. Straight through junior high school, I was at least in the top 10% or so of tallest kids in my class.

            Flash forward to now. Believe it or not, I haven’t grown an inch vertically since 1998 (I wish I could say the same horizontally, but unfortunately a few too many trips to Wendy’s back in the day have made that impossible). Do you realize how long ago that is? Bill Clinton was still in office. Jordan had just made “The Shot” against Utah. I still have jeans that fit that I wore the week Mark McGwire broke the home run record. For the most part, I’ve come to grips with ending up fairly short, but let me flash back to the past again to set-up my major gripe with this situation.

            I was never the next Bird or anything, but I was a decent basketball player growing up. I would sometimes play center, but since I’m a bit of a ninny, I usually played the 3 or 4 (think of me in my youth as a Chris Bosh, Rashard Lewis type player. Tall dude with absolutely no muscle who could hit jumpers and drive to the basket but had a hard time hitting the boards). My height made it so my shot usually didn’t get blocked when I was in the paint, and I was fairly adept at sneaking around and getting open down low.

            One more time, flash forward to now. For the first time in about seven years, I’ve started playing basketball on a weekly basis. My main objective when I first started to play was to be able to run up and down the court for a couple of hours without passing out. Having crossed that task off the list, I now have to deal with a perception issue that I hadn’t prepared for.

            Having grown up tall, I never played point guard. To be honest, I was much more of a chucker than a distributor of the basketball. Now though, since I’m usually the shortest guy there, everyone is assuming that I’ve always been short and always played the point. Not to mention that if I ever have the gumption to drive into the lane, I better get the ball up in a hurry or else it’s getting stuffed right back into my pie-hole. Needless to say, there have been quite a few turnovers at the top of the key at Monday night basketball. Fortunately, the regulars have figured out that I shouldn’t bring the ball up every time, so I’ve transitioned into more of a Steve Kerr-like role (which means I stand on the wing and wait for the defense to rotate away so I can take open jumpers). It’s sort of hard to believe that at this point in life I have to learn how to play guard. I’ll probably get it down right about when I’ll start a miraculous growth spurt.        

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (12/10-12/12)

10. Big Ten Names New Divisions For 2011

I cheated for this one, because this actually happened today, but the names the Big Ten came up with for their divisions are so ridiculous I had to write about them. Seriously, “Leaders” and “Legends” are the best names they could come up with? Hopefully a Babe Ruth league based out of Arkansas won’t sue them for copyright infringement.

            I did some hack research on the Internet, and was able to uncover the list of names that didn’t quite make the cut. Here they are.

1. Apples and Oranges
2. Captain and Tennille
3. Sonny and Cher
4. SpongeBob and Patrick
5. The One and The Only
6. Red Bull and Jagermeister
7. Seinfeld and Costanza
8. McDouble and Cool Ranch Doritos
9. Backstreet Boys and N’Sync
10. Deep Dish and Thin Crust

9. Ovechkin Goes Bonkers

            I’ll keep this short because roughly 1% of my audience cares about hockey. The Washington Capitals were getting pummeled by the New York Rangers on Sunday. Alex Ovechkin got angry and tried to fight everyone on the Rangers. It was a good time.

8. St. Pierre Dominates Again at UFC 124

            It took GSP about 30 seconds to make Josh Koscheck’s right eye look like it had gotten hit by a watermelon that was traveling 50 mph directly at his face.   

7. Florida Steals Mack Brown’s Chosen Successor From Texas

            What would you do if the best job in your chosen field was promised to you in five years, but you had a chance to take the second best gig right now? You’re instincts would probably be to wait, but after Conan O’Brien’s harrowing case with NBC, I think it makes sense to take the job that’s open right now. Kudos to Will Muschamp.

6. “The Cliff Lee Saga” Continues

            ESPN.com officially dubbed the Cliff Lee free agency chase a “saga” today on their homepage. Hey, if it worked for the folks at “Twilight”, then why not give it a shot to drum up interest.

5. New England Patriots Destroy Chicago

            What happened when an unstoppable force (Patriots offense) met an immovable object (Bears defense)? We found out that the Bears were very, very movable.

4. Cowboys Runningback Tashard Choice Asks For Michael Vick’s Autograph

            While watching this happen live, I found it odd that a player on a team that just lost would ask the opposing team’s quarterback for an autograph. This is an event that definitely wouldn’t of happened back in the day. 

3. Clippers Owner Donald Sterling Heckles His Starting Point Guard

            This story is all the more hilarious when you remember that Sterling is paying Baron Davis $13 million to play point guard this season.

2. Jets Assistant Coach Trips Dolphins Player During a Play

            As brash as the Jets are, it’s no surprise that their strength and conditioning coach was way too obvious while tripping the Dolphins gunner on a punt. Did he think he could pull this off without one of the 212 cameras used for telecasts catching it?

1. Metrodome Roof Collapses

            It’s a shame that Brad Childress still wasn’t the head coach of the Vikings. He could’ve blamed the roof collapse on Brett Favre.

Week 14 Picks

JAGUARS (-3.5) over Raiders

Teams from the western time zone playing a 1pm game on the east coast usually have a hard time.

STEELERS (-8.5) over Bengals

Some people seem to think the Bengals can keep this close, but I’m here to tell you that the Bengals stink.

Browns (EVEN) over BILLS

I basically flipped a coin to pick who would win this game.

LIONS (+7) over Packers

Detroit pulled out a cover against the Bears, so I’ll ride them again against a Green Bay team that can’t run.

Falcons (-7-5) over PANTHERS

This game has a 31-10 smack down written all over it.

REDSKINS (+1.5) over Buccaneers

I think Tampa Bay will be pretty bummed out after that loss at home against Atlanta.

Rams (+8.5) over SAINTS

New Orleans hasn’t blown that many teams out. I can see the Rams keeping this one close.

Seahawks (+5) over 49ERS

I would never, ever, EVER, wager real money on this game.

Patriots (-3) over BEARS

Bet on Jay Cutler over Tom Brady? Ya right.

JETS (-5.5) over Dolphins

I have a feeling the Jets will be a very motivated football team.

Broncos (-4) over CARDINALS

If the Cardinals Head Coach doesn’t seem to have confidence in the quarterback he’s starting this weekend, than neither do I.

CHARGERS (-9.5) over Chiefs

If Matt Cassel’s appendix didn’t explode, this would be a very entertaining game.

Eagles (-4) over COWBOYS

I’ve picked against Dallas the last two weeks, and they’ve proven me wrong. Maybe if I had started this blog before the season Wade Phillips would still be employed.

Ravens (-3) over TEXANS

Similar to the Jets (minus the losing 45-3 part), expect to see an angry flock of Ravens on Monday night.

VIKINGS (+3) over Giants

With the Giants being stuck in Kansas City overnight due to a snowstorm, you could make this line 20 points and I would still take Minnesota.

Wake Up Wrangler

            For the better part of the ‘00s, Wrangler Jeans has been using Brett Favre and Dale Earnhardt Jr. as their spokesman. In the beginning, it wasn’t such a bad idea. Favre was the beloved quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. Earnhardt Jr. was NASCAR’s most popular drive behind the wheel of the #8 Budweiser Chevrolet. Whether or not you supported either of these two guys, you couldn’t of argued with a company using them to sell their product.

            Fast forward to 2010. Brett Favre is now playing for his 3^rd team. After his best statistical season in 2009, Favre threw a devastating late interception against the Saints to cost Minnesota a chance to play in the Super Bowl. He broke his ankle in a game at Lambeau, was given a 12 stitches and a bloody nose against the Patriots, and just last week suffered a severely sprained right shoulder. And oh ya, there’s allegations that he sent pictures of his privates to a former New York Jets employee. Keep in mind that Favre’s wife is a cancer survivor, which adds more points to the Favre “creeper meter”.

            Dale Earnhardt doesn’t have allegations of lewd text messages, but he probably wishes he did, because that would divert attention from his sub-par driving. Junior has only won once since joining Hendrick Motorsports (the same organization that fields cars for Jimmie Johnson) in 2008. Earnhardt’s funk has not only hurt his status, but the entire sport of NASCAR as well. I won’t sit here and compare his effect on NASCAR to Tiger Wood’s impact on the PGA, but he’s not far off. TV ratings for all NASCAR events have dropped significantly over the past three years, and attendance is as low as it’s been since the late-80s. NASCAR’s popularity issues can’t be all blamed on Junior, but it wouldn’t hurt if their most popular driver could be much more competitive.

            The moral of this short story is simple. How can Wrangler keep trotting these guys out in new advertisements? Have their executives been buried under a rock for four years? I would think someone at one of their advertising meetings would raise their hand and say, “Brett Favre is one of the most hated men in America. Can’t we get Tim Tebow?” At some point you have to cut the cord and find some people who will be better pitchman. Or at the very least, people who won’t annoy me so much when a commercial featuring them comes on the air.  

Shortest Post Ever

Just wanted to note for the books that I'm taking the Colts (-4) on the road against the Titans tonight. Been busy the past couple of days, but hope to write a couple columns by Sunday evening.

10 Awesome Things That Happened This Past Weekend (12/3-12/5)

10. Auburn and Oregon Punch Tickets to BCS Championship Game

            I wrote about this scenario in last weeks 10-pack, but I’m quite pleased that it is a reality. I’m predicting that Auburn will out muscle the Ducks, but if Cam Newton gets wined and dined a little too much during the Heisman tour, it could open the door for Oregon (that happened to Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith a few years back against Florida. He attended so many banquets he gained about 65 pounds.)

9. Jeter Resigns With Yankees

            Unbelievably, Jeter was able to weasel an extra $7 million out of the Yankees. This would’ve been higher, but the 5th item on this list bumped it down. It was nice to see the Yankees show their respect to Jeter. You don’t see that often in pro sports.

8. Dolphins and Browns Play One of the Ugliest Games Ever

            Due to not having NFL Sunday ticket, I was stuck with this game on CBS at 1pm. What a terrible game. I guess you can’t expect too much when the two quarterbacks are Jake Delhomme and Chad Henne, but this game didn’t even meet my very low expectations. At least there was plenty of humor to come out of this game (a field goal attempt hitting the upright, Chad Henne throwing three terrible interceptions, both teams combining to go 6-28 with 3^rd down conversations, and combining for approximately 46 punts) that it was still watchable.

7. WNBA Commissioner Resigns

            Until this was reported, I was completely unaware that there was a WNBA Commissioner.

6. Bengals Gift Wrap Victory for New Orleans

            It's been said on a few ESPN shows already, but I'll repeat it (because I'm lazy)...would any other team in the league jump offsides on 4th down when it is obvious the other team will not snap the ball?

5. Washington Nationals Sign Jayson Werth to an Insane Contract

            I’ve read plenty of stories about this signing, and I don’t know where I stand at this point. For those of you not in the know, the Washington Nationals (perennial doormats in the National League East) signed 32-year old outfielder Jayson Werth to a 7-year, $126 million contract (I guess the economy is on the way back up).

            On one hand, this contract is completely ludicrous. Paying this kind of money to a 32-year old player who only has 684 career hits is preposterous. Werth typically hit 5^th or 6^th for the Phillies, and has never had to carry a team. Now he’s being paid to do just that until he turns 39 years old. His high strikeout totals are not a good trait when projecting how a player will age. 

            On the other hand though, this signing gets people excited about the Washington Nationals at a time when their best young pitcher (Stephen Strasburg) will be out for the season and their best young prospect (Bryce Harper) is probably a year away from contributing at the major league level. Washington has plenty of money to spend, but has had difficulty convincing top free agents to sign with them. They were big players in the Mark Teixeira sweepstakes two years ago, but couldn’t compete with the Yankees. Going out and overpaying for a player of Werth’s caliber will at least show future free agents that they are willing to do what it takes to compete. It also completely screws up salary expectations for the rest of the 2010 free agent class. Carl Crawford has enough leverage now to try to get the Red Sox, Angels, or Yankees to pay him $180 million over 8 years. Any deal that infuriates every other GM in Major League Baseball deserves a pat on the back.

4. “The Walking Dead” Season Finale

            This is a bittersweet event for me. While I loved the first season of this show, I’m disappointed that we will have to wait a while for season 2.

3. Red Sox Acquire First Basemen Adrian Gonzalez From San Diego

            For a more extended analysis, check out my Saturday post on this trade. If you don’t want to check that out, then just know that Adrian Gonzalez is going to be a monster at Fenway Park.

2. Peyton Manning Continues His Brett Favre Impersonation Against Dallas

            What happens when a quarterback is on a team that has poor offensive line play, can’t run the ball, and has back-up wide receivers trying to read blitzes? The quarterback will try to force the issue, and turn the ball over at an alarming rate. We’ve seen this happen plenty of times with Brett Favre (the first half of the ‘00s with Green Bay, this year with Minnesota), and we’re seeing it this year with Peyton Manning. I mean, if Orlando Scandrick is picking off a pass and running it back for 6, then you really have issues (for those of you who haven’t seen much of the Cowboys the last few years, Scandrick is the Cowboys nickelback who constantly gets roasted by opposing wide receivers. I almost involuntarily soiled myself after he picked Manning off).

            Does Peyton Manning’s 11 interceptions in his last three games mean that he’s washed up? I say no. Indianapolis is clearly not going very far this season (whether they make the playoffs or not), but next year, if they can do anything to make their offensive line better, they will be back to the Colts we’ve all come to know and love (or hate). A stud runningback wouldn’t hurt either.  

1. Troy Polamalu and Ben Roethlisberger’s Schnozz Save Steelers

            All right, Roethlisberger’s nose had very little to do with the win, but did you see what it looked like? The next time the letter “C” is featured on “Sesame Street”, they could use a picture of Roethlisberger’s nose as an example.

            I’m not exactly sure what the Ravens were thinking throwing the ball on 2^nd down. After Ray Rice had gotten five yards on the first play, wouldn’t it make more sense to keep running the ball to run the clock down? Worst-case scenario is punting and pinning the Steelers back at the 20-yard line with two minutes to go (no way the Steelers were going to march 80 yards against the Ravens defense last night). Best-case scenario is Rice running for the first down in one of the next two plays. Barring a Rice fumble (which rarely happens), you avoid a costly turnover that gives Pittsburgh great field position and a chance to win the game.

            You have to tip your cap to Troy Polamalu on this play. I’m not sure exactly how fast he got to Joe Flacco, but I’ve estimated that it was probably about 0.013453 seconds. In other words, really, really fast. If Polamalu keeps flying around like that, the Steelers can go along way in the playoffs (assuming they don’t run into the Patriots. Hopefully for their sake the Jets will take care of that).

           

Victor Who? Say Hello to Adrian Gonzalez

            I wrote last week about how Red Sox fans wouldn’t remember Victor Martinez in six months. I’d like to go back in time and rename that column “We Won’t Remember Victor Martinez in 10 Days.”

            Boston and San Diego have agreed in principle to a deal that will send All-Star 1^st Basemen Adrian Gonzalez to Boston in exchange for three minor league prospects. The prospects are pitcher Casey Kelly (ranked the top Red Sox prospect by Baseball America), 1B Anthony Rizzo (ranked 3^rd), and outfielder Reymond Fuentes (ranked 6^th).

            Gonzalez hasn’t gotten nearly enough credit nationally, but he will now. In five seasons for the Padres, he had four 30-homer seasons, three 100+-RBI seasons, and two Gold Glove awards. 30 home runs may not sound like a lot, but considering we are in the post-steroids era, and he played half of his games in San Diego (the hardest park to hit a ball out of due to the vast size of it), it’s quite a feat. The Padres’ lineup wasn’t exactly the 1927 Yankees either, leading to Gonzalez having the second most intentional walks in baseball last season. Gonzalez will have much better protection next season. In fact, let’s assume that the Red Sox are able to sign Carl Crawford. This would create a top-5 batting order that could look like this.

1. Carl Crawford, LF
2. Dustin Pedroia, 2B
3. Adrian Gonzalez, 1B
4. Kevin Youkilis, 3B
5. David Ortiz, DH

             This group should be even more dynamic than the Red Sox World Series teams in 2004 and 2007. Keep in mind that they still have Jacoby Ellsbury on the roster (assuming he’s finally recovered from his broken ribs), although he’ll probably get shipped out if they land Crawford. J.D. Drew and his slowly decaying corpse will also be manning right field, although having him hit in the bottom third of the lineup isn’t a bad thing. Boston has tremendous flexibility going forward, and plenty of trade assets to play with. Ortiz’s contract expires after this season, giving them financial flexibility going into 2012. As bleak as things looked watching Bill Hall get everyday at-bats last year, it will be fun again to watch the Red Sox.

             The price that the Sox had to pay to pick up Gonzalez is amazing. They did not have to part with anyone on their Major League roster. Sure, they gave up three highly rated prospects, but I’d rather give up a few players that could be good for a guy who is already great. Gonzalez is only 28 years old, and will be a staple in the Red Sox lineup for years to come. Kudos to Theo Epstein for pulling off this trade without having to part with someone like Ellsbury.

(READER ALERT: WRITER IS GOING TO TALK ABOUT FANTASY BASEBALL FOR A PARAGRAPH. IF YOU THINK FANTASY BASEBALL IS ONLY FOR DORKS, MOVE ON TO ANOTHER WEB PAGE).

            What does this trade do to Adrian Gonzalez’s fantasy value? Easy answer…a lot. Last season, he was generally a 3^rd round pick. On a potent Red Sox team, he at least has moved up into Mark Teixeira territory (end of the first round, start of the second, depending on if you’re in a 10 or 12 team league). He will be overvalued in any league involving a significant amount of Red Sox fans, but I would not argue with anyone that took him 7^th overall or later.   

Pro Athletes Don't Care As Much As You Do

            Most sports fans, when speaking about their favorite team, tend to use the word “we” when describing what the team has done or hasn’t done well. If I had a dime for every time I said, “we need to fire the coaches”, when referring to the Dallas Cowboys the last few years, I’d at least have $3.80. We love our favorite teams, to the point that their performance can actually affect our moods for several days. It’s irrational, it makes very little sense, but it’s the truth.

            That’s what made tonight’s Heat-Cavaliers game so depressing. Cavalier’s fans brought their A-Game tonight. There were quality signs and t-shirts (the three dudes wearing Le-B-um were my personal favorite), and fantastic chants (“AKRON HATES YOU” winning the award for best chant of the night) aimed at Lebron James. Cleveland could’ve gone 1-81 this year, but if they somehow could’ve won this game, there season would’ve been a success. The crowd energized the Cavs early, but Lebron and company went on a 16-0 run at the end of the first quarter and never looked back. Lebron dropped 24 points in the 3^rd quarter alone to seal the deal and clinch a successful return to his former stomping grounds. It’s not really the fact that the Cavaliers lost that made me feel bad for Cleveland fans. Miami is a superior team, so no one would fault Cleveland for losing. It was the way they lost, and mingled with Lebron James, that had me scratching my head.

            Shortly after the crowd showered him with boos, Lebron began mingling with Cavaliers players. He was seen on camera chatting with Mo Williams. During a Heat free throw attempt, he was chatting with Daniel Gibson while Gibson was sitting on the Cav’s bench. As hard as the Cleveland crowd was working to make Lebron uncomfortable, Cavalier’s players were working to undermine that effort. By socializing with him, they allowed James to feel at home and nail jumper after jumper.

            As a fan of the Cavaliers, how would you feel if the players on your favorite team are laughing it up with the man who “betrayed” your franchise (I don’t necessarily believe that James betrayed anyone, sense he was free to sign anywhere, but for the sake of this column I’m trying to look at it from the point of view of a Cleveland fan) while your team is getting slaughtered by 30 points? I know times are different know, with social media what it is today, but I would at least want my players to be in business mode during the game. It’s a shame the players didn’t care as much as the Cav’s fans. We would’ve had a much better game.  

Week 13 NFL Lines

I'm going to keep it simple this week. One sentence explanation for each pick. I stunk last week, so don't wager real money on these.

EAGLES (-8) over Texans
Worst pass defense in the league won't stand up to Michael Vick.

VIKINGS (-5.5) over Bills
Buffalo is due for a letdown game after Steve Johnson's drop in overtime against the Steelers last week.

TITANS (-1.5) over Jaguars
This pick is very dependant on whether or not Kerry Collins starts, which is sad, but true.

Broncos (+9) over CHIEFS
Denver demolished Kansas City 3 weeks ago. They should be able to keep this one close (bonus sentence for this pick).

DOLPHINS (-5) over Browns
I don't feel comfortable wagering on Jake Delhomme on the road under any circumstances.

Redskins (+7) over GIANTS
Giants should win, but their wide receiver injuries will keep this game close.

LIONS (+5) over Bears
Detroit should've beat Chicago in week 1, and I need to lose one more Bears game before I will commit to them.

PACKERS (-9.5) over 49ers
A team quarterbacked by Troy Smith without Frank Gore is destined to lose by 20 at Lambeau.

Saints (-7) over BENGALS
The T.Ocho show is one of the worst television shows ever made.

CHARGERS (-13) over Raiders
Scary point spread, but San Diego has been a buzz saw as of late, and they need to win this game.

BUCCANEERS (+3) over Falcons
I destroyed my friend Ethan last night in Madden online with the Buccaneers, and they've already pulled two upsets for me this season, so I'll continue to ride them.

SEAHAWKS (-6) over Panthers
A team quarterbacked by Brian St. Pierre should never be only getting less than a touchdown on the road.

COLTS (-5.5) over Cowboys
A weird matchup that I would never put actual money on in real life.

Rams (-3.5) over CARDINALS
Whatever you do, don't question why Derek Anderson was laughing during a football game.

Steelers (+3) over RAVENS
Should be a good old fashioned slobber-knocker.

PATRIOTS (-4) over Jets
Thought about taking the Jets for a nano-second, but I won't be caught picking against New England after what they did against the Lions on Thanksgiving.

Season Record = 16-15-1